I am not ok. I havn't been ok for awhile. All I know is that I don't know how much longer Mae can be my reason to keep going on. I mean would it really be that awful for her to be raised by her dad. Ok so I know the answer is Yes it would, but more days than not I just pray that I go to sleep and don't wake up.

I can't slit my wrists because I don't want to die in pain. I don't have medication that I can take to zap me out. I just keep going because of my girl. She is the only reason I keep getting up and keep trying.

I can not be the horrible person I am feeling like. I can not be so worthless and useless. I refuse to belive it, sometimes. Otherwise I walk around feeling like this horrible person who is so awful that there is nothing I can do to make it right.

My mom had gotten to be a mean bitch who says horrible things since Grandpa died. She doesn't see it, she doesn't care all she cares about is if I'm giving her money, if the house is clean, and what can I do for her and how fast can I get it done.

This weekend was the last straw. I can not feel like this anymore. Especially now that I find out that I was abusive to my Grandpa. I don't recall being abusive to him, I don't recall doing the things that could be considered abusive. My sister said I had said some things she didn't like, but she never thought I was abusive.

But my dear mom told my friend that she wasn't going to take my abuse anymore not like her dad did.

I didn't know that everything I did, all the times I tattled, all the times I had to yell at him to not eat the food that was 3 weeks old, that that was being abusive. I didn't know that by taking him to his appointments, cooking his food, trying to keep him off the road as much as possible, was abusive.

I am a horrible person that I couldn't see the harm I caused my grandpa. I can not live with the fact that someone out there thinks I abused my grandpa. I didnt, I know I didnt! But if thats what people are thinking and saying...well I guess I did.

The house is an issue. Who comes into someones house and tells them how good it looks, then looks for dirt? Then says oh you were doing so good about keeping the house clean? It takes me an hour to clean my house. Thats doing the bathroom, the living room, and the kitchen. An hour to make it all sparkly. If the house was so horrible how come it takes an hour to put it back together?

Money...I can never give enough money to my mom. I give her every damn dime I have. I will make my bills late so that she has money. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I can't find a better job. She doesn't understand that. I keep looking, I keep getting rejected. Well I guess that just proves how horrible I am, if even damned KMart wont hire me.

All these favors, I do them. If I can't do them right away I get hounded about when its going to be done. This picture of Grandpa my mom was going to take away from me because I hadn't gotten to WalMart and made another copy in the size she wanted. Who does that? It's like if you don't do something for her right that minute then your awful and horrible.

She wanted a collage of the pictures that I have. I offered it to her, I can get my own later. No no no, but hey why not go get another one made. Ok but then I have to pay for it and I dont have a lot of extra money.

The carpet in the house. We got new carpet. My mother hates(hated) it and proceeded to tell anyone who would listen that she hated it and it was all my fault. Then all my friends were liars and not wanting to hurt my feelings and thats why they said it looked nice and they liked it. If she didn't want it then she shouldn't have gotten it. She never hasn't gotten what she wanted so why start now?

I just don't know what to do. I just really do not want to wake up again. I just want it to all go away because I am not strong enough to handle what my mother is dishing out to me.

I don't know why I'm her target but I am and I am just supposed to take everything she says and not resond. Well Saturday I responded.

Responded so hard that my friend came and dragged me and Mae to her house. Popped me a half a xanex and then found out that I was abusive to Grandpa.

I told my mom I think she needs counseling. I told her this before Saturday. Finally Saturday I told her that she has become this mean hateful person since her dad died and she needed to get some grief counseling.

Yea, I was abusive. And she isn't going to take it anymore. Oh wait she is when she wants something. She called yesterday for money, today she called because she wanted I don't know what. I told her the truth I want to kill myself and I can't talk to you until I'm better.

I am pretty happy most times, at least I think. I don't bring my problems to everyone, I listen to them, and I do what friends do.

I just can't take the criticism from my mother anymore. I don't understand it. I do all kinds of things for her, and make sure when she is here that there is stuff she can eat and drink, but I'm rotten and horrible, and abusive.

I don't understand how doing the things I do makes me this kind of person. I am always putting everyone else in front of myself. If you ask me to do something I do it, I don't tend to hesitate. Even if I'm sick, not feeling good, in a bad place, whatever it is...I tend to do it.

I keep saying this but it's the truth, I don't get how if I'm this horrible, rotten, abusive person I have close friends, who aren't afraid for me to be around them or their families. If I'm so damned horrible why did someone at work tell me I had a very pleasant personality. I don't get it, I don't get it.

What I do get is that I want it all to just end. I want it to just stop. I want to make everything go away. I keep hearing I'm a strong person, yea well I don't feel so strong. I just feel fucking miserable and that nothing I do will ever be good enough and if its not then what the hell am I hanging around for? How long can I make Mae my priority. If I'm so horrible awful and abusive, maybe I'm doing it to her and I don't even know it. Why should she have a mom who is like that?

What's the use really? I just don't know what is wrong with me? What exactly did I do that was so horrific that I have to feel like this? I don't like feeling this way. I know that something has to change and until I can get someone to hire me at a real job, then I'm stuck.

I have an appointment with the therapist this morning. I hope she can help, I just don't know. I'm tired of crying over this, I'm tired of feeling worthless. If she is hurting this bad why does she have to dump it on me? Doesn't she know that I'm hurting too? Doesn't she know what it's like to come home and it just be 2 instead of 3? But I guess I'm just making up my feelings because an abuser doesn't care about anyone but themselves right?

Maybe one day it will get better, but I don't see that day. I used to feel like my life was spiraling out of control and I couldn't see the drain. These days I don't feel like I'm spiraling, I feel like I'm actually trying to hold onto the drain lip so it doesn't suck me down.

Other than that, life is just grand! I love my girl, I love my friends, I just don't love me anymore. But then who would, abusive people get what they deserve in the end and I guess i'm finding the end.