Todays blog is brought to you by schizophrenia and bi polar disorder! Did you know that bipolar disorder kills? I didn't know that until a couple days ago. Yup something like a 1/4 of the people with it will die because of it or some disorder that it caused!

I know this because one of my very good friends started out as bipolar and has now also been diagnosed with schizophrenia. I am so greatful that it isn't happening to me. Though in a way it is.

I ride that ride because I'm close to my friend. And let me tell you that isn't the prettiest of rides at times.

On top of all that my friend has other medical conditions. Her life is spiraling out of control at the moment and I wish it could all be blamed on the mental parts of it.

Soooo while I'm dealing with a friend who has issues, I'm having my own issues. So far this month I have had one anxiety attack, a panic attack, and a half assed attempt at a second anxiety attack.

The first one was on the 5 month anniversary of Grandpa's death. Of course it happens when I'm driving and my anxiety medication is in the trunk of the car. It also happens when I'm turning onto the busy highway to my mom and dads house. It was so bad that I almost called them to come and get us not more than 20 minutes from there house. BUT I kept driving because sometimes that's what you have to do.

The panic attack happened last weekend on my way down to my mom and dads again. This was a bit scarier because it was exactly how it was when I went to the hospital when Grandpa was in the hospital dying. I couldn't stop crying, I was getting the shakes, and of freaking course I was driving the car. Mom called just as it was getting bad and she suggested I stop. I couldn't because I was going in the wrong direction of the town she said to stop at. Again I just kept driving because sometimes that's all you can do. I really didn't see it as an option to pull over and just break down where Mae could actually see me and scare her. Pointless. I got to mom's and proceeded to chill out.

I felt better after spending time off the computer, off the phone, not at work, and with family. Hell I slept most of sunday away on various couches and it was needed.

Yesterday my car decided that it was time to fuck up on me. I have no idea what is wrong with it, I just know I'm not driving it until someone comes and looks at it. But I know it's bad because the check engine light is flashing and dinging. Soooo I'm driving Grandpa's car.

My friend calls me because noone is at work but her, the boss, and the boss's girlfriend. Can I puhleas come to work til 5. Sure. I need the money, tammy can watch the kid, and I NEED THE MONEY! While I'm driving Grandpa's car to work, it's all I can think is..I'm driving Grandpa's car. Hello half assed attempt at another anxiety attack!

I've also crossed over into some kind of anger in the grief process. It's bad when you add it to the fact that I don't know if I'm working my way to the good place or if I'm still stuck at the begining. My mom called the Hospice and I have an appointment with a grief counselor on Monday after I take Mae to school.

The kids dad won't stop emailing me asking if he is seeing Mae. I have laid it out to please not contact me but he refuses. Says he will just keep emailing me...well guess what? I'll be the bigger person and just block your email address. I'm not going to argue and I'm not going to beg that you leave me alone. That's why they have a block feature because some people don't get it.

I have also laid out the way he can see her. He has to provide the ride to and from, have a clean house, not smoke around her, have food for her and clothes she can wear at his house. I do not think that is in any way, shape, or form unacceptable. I do not think it is even asking a lot.

Mae lives in a clean house. She has plenty of food and drink. She isn't smoke around at home. She has clean clothes at home. All the things that I laid out for him are the same things she has at home. It isn't that difficult of a thing to accomplish.

After all the bullshit that I have had to go through with him as a woman, and as Mae's mom...I am done with him. I am not going to provide all the things I used to do. I am not going to be disrespected, I am not going to allow my child to see or hear me be disrespected. I am not responsible for her seeing her dad. I am responsible for letting her go if all her needs will be met.

I am not responsible for anything else. I used to take it upon myself to make sure she had what she needed and that she got over there. I am DONE! It wasn't appreciated, it was taken for granted, and I was the one who had to deal with his instablity in his life on all the levels. I'm done.

So right now in some areas things just suck. But that's life and you keep going.

With another friend of mine happiness is endless at the moment. Her and her boyfriend just got a new place! Not even a new place but a new house! She has been living in this one bedroom apartment for like 4 years. It's a hell hole! Her ceilings are falling in, the plumbing has been an issue and it just sucks!

Well a couple days ago she got lucky! And like they say its always about who you know! Our boss knows the landlord. He put a good word in for her. She now has a 3 or 4 bedroom house, less than a mile from me!!! She has a yard, a laundry room, a deck, an attached garage. She has such a nice place!

I couldn't be happier for her. BUT ask me how happy I am for her on Sunday lol. Thats when all the big moving is happening and I'm one of the lucky ones who gets to help! We moved two carloads over last night and tomorrow night we're doing her kitchen. Which I'm sure will turn into something more. I need to tell her to get her clothes together that can be moved now. Hell even see about getting the dresser drawers over there so its just the dresser part to move.

I also have to figure out how to help for my first friends benefit that we are starting to plan. I don't want to do anything but go to stores and ask for stuff lol. But I will do all that needs to be done because its what you do.

I'm just pretty greatful right now that my life isn't in the shitter. I have moments where I think it is, but then I just turn on the computer and look around. Doesn't take long to see how good you have it.