I don't talk much about my sexuality. Mostly because I'm not getting any lol. Also because I havn't been out in society looking for the next THING. I'm still apart of several sites that are for people looking for luuuuuuuuv lol, but in reality most of the guys just want sex. Yea well I'm not just having sex for the sake of having sex. If I want sex that bad I can ask my friend to watch my kid so I can go find some random person at a bar.

On one of these sites it caters towards the side of me that I really don't talk about. My submissive side. If I was going to be honest, I have to say I'm just there now looking, watching, and being envious of those who have that kind of relationship. It astounds me though how many of the Men there feel the need to tell me how I am jaded and not worthy to be anyones submissive. How unattractive I am to Dominant men because I have issues that I worry about, mainly my kiddo. And that they feel the need to do whatever it is they want to do to my head. The problem is that, yes I feel I am submissive. But NO I don't feel the pull of any of the people on these sites. I felt a pull with the kids dad. Sooo I do know the feel of that pull and if I ever felt it again...I'd probably want to pursue it. Though right now I'm not feeling it.

I am to the point in my life where I would much rather have a vanilla relationship because those are ooo so much easier(yes that was sarcasm), but in truth I think with having to raise my daughter that is the kind of relationship I should be in. With a Dominant man in my life who lives the lifestyle I just can't give up ALL the control that would be needed to make that a successful relationship.

My daughter is my first priority. She has to be. I've gotten emails from Men and Women who applaud that and they all say the same thing. A real Dominant will understand and give room for that. Yea see as much as I'd like to believe that...I just don't. You want me naked sucking your cock in the kitchen at 4pm...Um sorry can't I have my girl. Small things like that, that a regular person wouldn't have an issue with. But Dominants who happen to be assholes, which is what I attract, don't want that. They want the girl with no baggage who can be tied up 24/7 and all these other scenarios that are straight out of pornos.

I am still the submissive girl at heart. I still find myself doing things with a mindset of well if I had a Man I would do this. I havn't forgotten my submissive self. I've just put her lil ass to sleep.

AND have taken control of my life into my own hands. I want to be at the place in life where I could let go a bit. But man let me tell you Mae is just first. Period!

So now my dilema becomes not only how to find a Dominant man, but to find a man period lol. I would like to have someone in my life who I can watch movies with, hang on the deck with, go out somewhere with. But I have Mae and I would rather have a safe happy healthy Mae then become the mom who puts her kid on the backburner for another guy.

Hell when I had that boyfriend for a couple months...I couldn't let go enough for him to tell Mae to stop something because shes my job. She's my responsibility and your just a guy I'm seeing. See my problem?

Maybe I am a switch. Or maybe I'm just a sexual submissive who knows enough to be submissive in ways out of the bedroom that noone would notice. I don't know. I do know one thing though....a sadistic man is not the way I want to go at this point in my life. Sadism was ok when there was no Mae, but with Mae....No!

So there you have it, I wish I had a man to help me through this life, but I just can't settle. So I'll do what I've been doing and maybe some day I'll even up grade to owning a BOB...until then....I'm good without any sex lol Companionship I'll take!