I feel like I'm neglecting Mae. I told my mom today that I'd put her on the back burner, because that's exactly how it feels to me, and she blew up at me. She doesn't want to hear it, I need to tell my friends that and not her.

But she is the reason why I am putting Mae on the back burner. Monday was their birthdays. I wanted to take treats to her class and have lunch then, but I had to drive to get my Uncle from the airport. 4 hours roundtrip. Then I had to stay with Grandpa, not complaining, so that ruled out Tuesday. Well I was going to do it today, but my mom told the bed place it was ok to come today. Doesn't matter that I wanted to do Mae today. So I said I'd do it tomorrow. Only way I can do tomorrow is if Grandpa has a good night tonight. Because I have to stay with grandpa tonight because if he goes to the nursing home mom will be there and it would mean two nights up for her. Um hellllo!!! I was all freaking drugged on Saturday when I checked out of the psych unit(partly because of "my responsibilities" that she reminded me of) and I spent the night with him.

We got into it! I have had like 2 nights since all of this that were for me. To do something I wanted to do, or nothing at all. I am not counting the 36 hours in the psych because even if I hadnt gone I wouldnt have been able to help anyone because of the state i was in. I don't like the feeling of neglecting Mae.

I don't like feeling I'm neglecting my grandpa. I just can't get a break. Mom talks to me like I havn't done anything and I'm so ungreatful when I say that I want to do something for me and something with Mae. I yelled at her that I have done just as much as her! If not more since I'm the one with the image of my grandpa helpless on the fucking floor!

My friend told me today that she was talking to another friend of ours about me. She said it was like he didn't know me. Didn't know that I take on everything! I do take on everything. But I can only take so much. I'm really really looking forward to having someone to talk to. Someone who is paid to listen to me and to help me figure things out.

I don't think I'm being selfish. I don't know what else I can do for everyone else. I just want to have a little fun in all this swirling mess. I really need to just get out and be the good kind of crazy. At least I go back to work next week. Hell maybe I should have just said schedule me. Let mom figure it out how to make me feel guilty about working during the week. No not a good idea. Then she will just drive me further crazy.

What a viscious cycle!