I really have the distinct impression that I am supposed to be doing it all. I also have the distinct impression that I'm disappointing everyone around me. I also don't understand how my parents want me to be looking for a fulltime job, but then expect me to spend every day, or every other day at the hospital.

I can't please everyone, though lord knows I try. I don't deserve the guilt my mother is laying on me. It isn't my fault that things cost so much and we have to do the work. I'm not complaining about the work, I'm complaining about feeling like I'm ignoring my daughter. I had to explain to my mom that Mae is acting out. She is having bad days at school, being mouthier, just plain being irritating because it's getting her attention. Attention she didn't have to fight for before.

But some how Maes needs arent coming across as important. That or mom is too blinded with the begining of grief and needing to take care of her dad that noone else matters. WHICH I UNDERSTAND.

But we can't do it all. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him on his own because who knows if we would have another incident. I told mom if it keeps up I'll be back on the edge again.

I tried explaining to her how the drug made me feel better but too much of it hurt. Guess you just had to put lots of substances in your body to know what i mean. I tried explaining to her that its like a withdrawl. That its not fun after it stops being fun. I've had my fair share of experience in this department. It makes you snappy and jumpy and crabby and it's hard. Glad that I only spent 4 bucks for this instead of what street drugs go for lol.

I guess its a good thing i blog, can you imagine all this still stuck swirling around my head? Please let something normal happen. I asked for Saturday off and Monday off so I can do Mae things...please let me get them!