Tomorrow I'm calling the mental health place that works on a sliding fee scale. I have to for my own safety. I have never EVER thought about actually committing suicide until a day or so ago.

I was either going to drive my car into a telephone pole or a tree or I was going to come home and take all the medication in the house.

I am not as strong as I thought I was. I need outside professional help. The stress of this situation has made me think crazy things that I would normally not think of.

I almost checked myself into the psychiatric unit at the hospital I was so scared of myself.

I know I was really ready to do it because I didn't even care what would happen to Mae. Everyone who knows me knows i would die for the child. That I would give everything for her. And I just didn't care about what would happen to her.

I feel anxious, nervous, scared, and sometimes I just don't know how to deal with this.

On top of everything with my grandpa, my bio dad has to have heart surgery to. It is just supposed to be stents but you know how it is. If it's to bad they will just crack his chest for open heart surgery.

I tried telling my mom how I felt, but I don't think she quite gets(until a few minutes ago) how deadly serious I was about hurting myself.

I know that I don't want to hurt myself because while I was having these horrible thoughts I just kept thinking something like this isn't right. This isn't you.

Since I have noone to actually be there be there for me, like a spouse would be, I am going to seek help tomorrow. I have the phone number to call and I am going to call.

After I had Mae and had the issues with her dad, I went and talked to someone. I wasn't diagnosed with any mental illness. So I don't think I have one. I do think I am seriously severely depressed.

I didn't want to blog this, but I need to so I can get it out. So i can have my outlet for just a moment. I just don't know where all this came from all of a sudden. Ok so I do know and I hate myself for even thinking it. But sometimes our brains just don't do what they are supposed to do.

My mom called me a bit ago and grandpa asked her to stay with him tonight. She said his legs are starting to do what they did when it was really bad. His hands arent doing it yet she said. Now I'm all worried again. I just don't know. I just need someone or something to help me.

And that's what professionals are for. Hey who knows maybe after 3 years of not seeing a professional I'll be diagnosed with bipolar and i can become all inappropriate and stupid and blame it on a disease. Maybe they will diagnose me with schizaphenia. Hell maybe they will tell me Im normal and nothing is wrong with me.

I just know that if I don't get some kind of help, there is a distinct possibility that I will do something stupid. Not like what i described above, but you know like drink til i hurt myself, or just be plain stupid and pick a fight with the wrong person.

It's serious. I'm scared. I wish my friends could help me, but they can only do so much.

All this stress and anxiety has got to stop sometime. Things have got to get back to somewhat normal soon.

God I'm such a cry baby lol...well I guess I should be greatful I'm smart enough to not do anything and maybe the professionals can fix me so I can truly be the strong one and be there for everyone like always.