Soooo yea I totally lost my shit! I had the big great breakdown. It was so very very wonderful. So wonderful that I spent almost 36 hours in the psych unit of the hospital my granpda is in. After I posted that blog a couple days ago, I went to take some stuff up to the hospital and just walking in the doors started to set me off.

My mom called me as Mae and I were on our way to wallyworld for a night light. She asked why i was so damned angry with them. I was like im not angry with you, and then fucking lost it. I couldn't stop crying.

Crying so bad that Mae was asking me mommy are you crying again. That is sooo not what you want your child to be asking you. Ranks right up their with mom why does the dog get that red thing when hes happy. Yea not good.

Mom told me just to take her to daycare and go to the ER. Which I did! They got me into the back and took all the things that could hurt me lol. I didn't have anything and while I really had had thoughts, I wasn't going to do anything.

I just couldnt get a grip. Reality had left the building, or maybe it was the weight of reality crashing down on me. I don't know but it wasn't very fun. I couldnt stop crying. I was half ass hyperventilating. I was rocking myself. Can you say mental breakdown?? I can!

Mom told me she was sorry for telling me I had to be the strong one, I believe her, but then in true mom form told me i had to be there lol. I love my mom i really do. I scared my friend kimmi so bad she couldnt do the driving and the thinking on her way to get to me.

BTW now i feel like an attention whore, embarrased, and stupid for going to psych and only being there a day and a half. BUT IM NOT FUCKING CRAZY AND THOSE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING NUTS!!! lol. but i didnt do it for attention, i did it because i needed to be away, i needed to be safe and let someone else do the looking after, and the vistral didn't hurt either. The ativan was really really nice though it hurt like hell lol.

I slept all day friday and had trouble interacting with the fellow nuts, and just kind of wandered and ended up in bed before 9. That makes for a restless night. But i toughed it out. Got up the next morning and was feeling a bit better and just wanted to go back to bed. the people were stressing me out, making me anxious. Then of course you get art therapy. I went cuz I had to and sat there. Then the fun thing sent me running for a vistral and a nap. Some lady needed a bed alarm and it kept going off and i just couldnt deal. I dont think ill ever be able to hear an alarm like that without a reaction.

Soooooooooo because i am stronger than i give myself credit for, the vistral, the antidepressent w/some kind of anti anxiety or somecrap...i was at the hospital last night with grandpa. Though i think if i would have flipped out on psych any more with the 2 1/2 hours it took to discharge me i probably would have had to stay lol.

But Tammy stayed with me last night and we stayed with grandpa.

It was not a good night. 1. Im just out of psych and ty for the anti...the anxiety part was working. 2. Grandpa went on bipap and fought. 3. grandpa wouldnt rest and we had to hold him like last week, but it wasnt as bad, but when you know how bad it can get you just wait for it to happen.

Im home right now obviously, DJ(Maes dad) is staying the night with me. Yes I broke down and asked for a mans help. My mom asked me why i wanted him to stay the night. I told her because I need someone! I need it to be about me is what i told him. Hes out in the living room leaving me alone. WTF lol he did my laundry. Thank you DJ! I could have done it but like he(didnt order) said just accept it.

I thought last weekend was the hard part. I believe I had my meltdown, break down, attack, when i did because the hard part isnt even here yet. Its working its way faster than we would like, but its coming. I hope and pray that it turns around but its one thing after another. Heart, then kidneys, now lungs. We cant catch a break. I want my grandpa, i am selfish, but its time to face reality that maybe its time to be selfless. I will continue to pray and hope for his recovery. I pray that I get up tomorrow and my mom says we had a good night and grandpa is eating breakfast. I just wish I could make myself believe it will happen. I hope that truth can equal positive because I only want positive thoughts. But reality truth it all can be something different....I dont know

Im off to watch one of the 2 dvd's i got out of the redbox and I bet I dont see much lol