My life if falling apart right now. It sucks ass but it happens and this time, I'm done building bridges and getting over it.

I've made the hard decision to leave Katie alone. I will not call, text, write, or send her anything. I will not buy her things, I will not ask her to visit. Ryder and I are now her Aunt and cousin. That's the way the MO family wants it, well now they have it. I'm just done!

I need to move out of here and just let my mom take care of my grandpa. I am the reason his house is so filthy nasty dirty and I am the reason for his depression. Funny thing about the house though, if you take our clothes out of the house, and Ryder's toys out of the living room....everything that is left is Grandpa's mess. It is his stuff that is overflowing from rooms. But that's ok because it's my fault.

I also have realized that I have some sort of mental illness that I never knew about. One that makes me delusional to the point of hearing words that people say they never said and saying things that they say I never said, though i clearly opened my mouth and spoke. But i guess that is just the nature of the disease I seem to have acquired over night. My mom says she didn't say it but I heard it!

I told her we weren't coming for Easter so I could get a break from caregiving. She said You didn't do anything last week he was in the hospital. Um ok I did nothing. I didn't sit there, I didn't drive back n forth, I didn't rearrange my work schedule, I didn't lose any money. Oh wait...mom says she didn't say that and I'm making it up. Sorry there's that pesky disease.

So fine fuck you, I'm done, I'm out, Just give me time to either live with the kid's dad or a job and on my own. Either way I'm done. Oh yea and now my mom doesn't feel comfortable with me being with grandpa.

Wow! Ok fine, fuck you again. You do it all, You rearrange your life, You take time off from your job, You fit him into your schedule. She could have stayed in town all week, but no! She went home at 6 oclock on the dot every night, except Saturday and that's when we played.

Even Katie got in on this newly acquired mental illness. I sat at the table with the new pill bottle and said I don't know how you want me to do this one and then it was something said. And I was like fine you do it. Then of course when I said I tried to ask you, mom and Katie both said you didn't say anything. OMG seriously..then why did I open my mouth and words come out??

Again I'm done! I tried 3 different times telling mom how the pills were done. She didn't get it, wouldn't get it, and fuck it...I'm done trying to explain to you. You do all the shit!

I am done with everyone but Ryder in this family! I am over them, I am sick of them, and I am tired of everything I say or do being turned into something else. If I was angry I would say so. But when you tell me your just pissed off and I tell you no I'm not, maybe you should believe what I'm telling you.

Oh wait I'm sorry I forgot I am not allowed to have my own pattern of thought process. So by me going I'm not coming this weekend Mae can go to her dads....I was angry...but what I didn't say was what all else was in my head....Mae goes to her dads, I get 2 days off from her and grandpa..I need the break...yes this is good...Nope because I didn't clarify my exact position I'm once again the horrible evil person.

I'm done, I can't keep being hurt. And if I have to live with my ex, who will drive me bat shit crazy, well then I guess that's what I'll have to do. Do I want to live with my ex, hell no. But is it better than the alternative of being with my family who I find toxic at best? Unfortunatly yes!

Ohhh but with all this going on...I did the right thing today. I did not take the car ride that would lead to naughty kinky things! I could have, but I decided my self worth and self healing were much more important. Oh well maybe I'll get invited another time.