Not Good

It's not good. I am working my way into my own meltdown but I don't get to have it until I get off work. I had a mini one on the phone with one of my besties, but I was able to hold it together. Tonight will be a half a xanax night for sure!

As you know I slacked off and played online for a bit before going back to the hospital. I'm sure glad that I went and picked Mae up early from school. They didn't come and take grandpa for close to one, so Mae had a good chunck of time to lay in bed, under the covers no less, with grandpa. We went downstairs to get some lunch because they said it was still going to be awhile. Halfway through lunch I look up and they are taking grandpa zippin down the hall. Mom ran after him with Mae and I picked up our lunch stuff.

Then got totally lost and a nurse helped me find my way to the waiting area. We finished lunch, watched some tv and then the doctor came out.

It's not good news.

Excuse my lack of medical technical terminology. So you have 3 arteries to your heart. One in front, and one on each side. I can't remember which side they said which was on so just bear with me.

When my grandpa had his first heart attack almost 16 yrs ago it left one on the side blocked. Well that one looked pretty good. Go figure! Well the one on the other side is 100% blocked. Yea we had a mini freak out, but the doctor stopped it by telling us that he wasn't so worried about that one because it looked like it had been that way for awhile because it had grown or whatever your does to help itself new ways for the blood to flow. Then we come to the kick you in the fucking gut, shoot you in the gut, and drag your ass out to the woods with a trail of honey part.

The artery that runs in the front of your heart......99% blocked. That's the one that gives you the big heart attack. This gives you two options. Open heart surgery or putting in stents. Both procedures have good and bad points. But that OHS is the bad one.

The doctor did his best to explain to two stressed out women and a 4 yr old what all would happen, could happen, this, that, and the other. He did really well but we were both left in just fucking shock, awe, and disbelief. All this time the chest pains that he has been having is because of this.

I'm a tad pissed off at his regular doc at the moment, because he told us it was ok, there was nothing they could do, that he's almost 90. Well fuck that! My grandpa could have died and we wouldn't have known that he had a chance. Ok so maybe I'm being dramatic....I've earned it.

I called my friend and I broke a little bit. I'm not breaking yet or I won't be able to stop. I need to cry and vent and process. That way I can get back to let's do this thing Heather.

I told my sister, and then my cousin because we needed to ask her if she would come and sit with grandpa tonight. She's coming. I didn't like telling her because she really loves my grandpa. My sister on the other hand I give myself a lot of credit for because in the back of my head all I could hear was " Tell her what a bitch she is for keeping the kids away, tell her how much you hate that grandpa misses the kids, that you can take your fucking car to branson but not to iowa, how when I asked for katie so she could see all of us you said no, etc. etc. etc.." I did real good and I just told her what was going on.

I left with Mae, obviously, because grandpa was pretty out of it, mom was staying til 6, and I needed to get Mae home for a bit before work. Oh yea, I needed to not be there in case I lost it.

Just like usual the minute you leave the doctor comes back up. The surgeon was there and we have taken OHS off the table. It would take grandpa months and months to get back to himself and it's just not advisable due to his age and kidneys. So we have decided on going with the stents.

I don't know and I don't care....JUST MAKE MY GRANDPA WELL SO HE CAN COME HOME TO ME AND MAE!!!! Sorry mini meltdown. There are risks for his kidney and stroke with the stents. I just am so scared and unsure. But I don't get to show it because I am not allowed that luxury. It's ok because one day I will be allowed and thank god I have the friends I have.

It's not good, but I guess it's not horrible. I just don't want to be the one to tell grandpa he can't drive anymore, that I'll be the one doing the laundry, that depending on how this goes he may even lose the one job that I know he considers his...taking out the trash. He just lost the job of cutting the lawn...he doesn't mow...he cuts the grass!

Thank you for your prayers and support....I just have to remember it's ok to still live my life even though my grandpa is sick. (hope that didn't come off as selfish)