Today just sucks! Its my Katies birthday and i hate this day. Its a day where i dont know if the phone will be answered and was the case this year, if the text was going to be returned or not!

945am i sent my sister a text. I asked what time Katie would be home from school. I wanted to call her. My calls dont get answered at that house very often. Well i waited and waited and waited and never got a text. UNTIL.

My mom called about 1 and i was like have you spoken to her today. She said yea a couple times and not that long ago. My first words were fuck that bitch! My mom tried to say maybe she didnt get the text. Thats bullshit. My sister is hooked to her phone like a newborn to the bottle. She had to pick up the phone to call my mom, to call her friends, to all the things you do. She doesnt use her house phone. Thats the number im supposed to call to talk to Katie. If anyone can hear that low ringer to even bother to answer it. Hell they admitted they dont answer that phone because its telemarketers. Yea i know but im supposed to call.

Well my mom said that she would say something to her and that she didnt call us to get in the middle. Bullshit, your the mom, your so firmly in the middle its unreal. But then again i dont blame my mom. If my mom publicly and to the family sticks up for me, well there goes her seeing her daughter and grandkids.

Well low and behold, about 45 minutes after speaking with my mom i get a text. Telling me when she would be home and that i was to call the house. What a fucking bitch. She had the text, she got the text, she was choosing to ignore it.

The sad thing is that i call and call, and i never get anyone. Usually i have to be all upset and yelling at my mom for that fucking phone to be answered. I wish my mom would say the shit she said to my friend to my sisters face. Wont happen but hey at least she told someone i trust what she thinks.

So i call katie and its really really weird. Its like its no big deal her birthday today. Hell its been talked about her for the last couple weeks. Asked her what she was doing and she said nothing. I asked her about going out to eat and she informs me she doesnt do that kind of thing or like it. Who the hell doesnt like going out for their birthday supper? Especially in this family. Hell we have all already gotten our christmas and birthday presents by the time those days come along, all we get is a dinner out. My grandpa was even shocked and confused and a little amused by her saying that. Thats how odd it really is in our family.

Birthdays are a big deal to us. If Katie was living with us she would have had balloons cake and a dinner out. Maybe not a party because at 15 who the hell knows what they want, it changes from minute to minute. But we would have whooped it up for her and in honor of her birthday.

If i could today i would just stay all fucked up, but i cant. I wrote in Katies birthday card that she wont ever know how much i love her and that i hope one day she will know and understand how much she effects my life every day. And thats the truth. She does effect my life everyday. How come you think i try so hard to be right and do right by Mae. I know the consequences. Katie is my reminder of what good parenting is for. So you have your kids with you. So that your kids love you. I wish the reason for Katie being gone was i was a bad parent, but its not. I made choices that i shouldnt have. I learned that kids dont get to make the decisions. That kids are kids and when you have no more patience you better borrow a cup from somewhere.

Yea today really kind of sucks! One day, i pray and beg and plead, that one day, Katie will be grown enough to get it, hear it, understand it, process it, and come to the right conclusions and see where she has been and continues to be manipulated. I hope its before its too late, i hope that it comes about in a manner thats not forced and manipulated. I just want to be with my daughter again and because im not selfish enough, she isnt with me. I want her home, but im not going to fuck her up like that by taking her out of her home. I dont always get what i want, so i deal.

Heres to dealing without binging on food and alcohol and any of the million other self destructive things out there!

*i am weak, and the fridge got hurt lol*