Im doing it again! Im inviting heartbreak and heartache into my life! My hopes are up and im prepared to have them dashed. Im prepared for my temper tantrum if all this happens. Im ready for the horrible gut wrenching pain that comes with disappointment.

There is a very slim possibility that my oldest daughter will come up here to spend the day with me, grandpa, and Mae. That she wont be under the watchful eye of my sister, supreme bitch, the one katie feels the need to call mom being there to make sure that nothing is said or done or whatever the hell it is she's afraid of.

Now i just have to rearrange my schedule a little bit so i can get things done before she comes up here. I have about 2 weeks to get everything settled.

My mom didnt want to say anything to me, but she did, because, in my opinion, she knew i needed to hear it. Even though she knows how i react to that kind of disappointment.

Im sorry but where katie is concerned i lose all my self control, my mind, and literally will throw a tantrum like a 3 year old i know! Yes i know its wrong, but for me, if i dont then all of it festers. Even a good blogging doesnt help.

So im setting myself up for this ultimate feeling of crappiness. Hell they all may change their minds and me getting excited is for nothing!

Ive already got her visit planned. Its been about 6 hours since i heard this news and ive got plans made in my head! Since she would be coming in for the day with my mom, that means she would be here a bit before 8. Well that means mama gets to make a big breakfast for all of us.

Ill make scrambled eggs with cheese, sausage or bacon, and have juice and milk(a combo of white, chocolate, and strawberry) all waiting for when she comes in the door.

Then for lunch we will actually go out and go up to my work for subs. Who doesnt like subs? And she can see where her mom is working now and try the bestest subs EVER.

Then after lunch if she wants we can get a movie, or we can just come back to the house and hang out.

I know it may seem like im trying to impress katie, but its not that i want to impress her. I want to mother her, and do those kinds of things that i do for Mae. She used to be treated like that, but i think shes forgotten that though i may have been the crap mom, i did have a lot of good mom qualities.

Anytime i get with katie is precious. I want to fill them with memories she will remember and maybe eat away at whatever is around her heart towards me. Hell as it is im making her a cake and buying her a birthday cake, im getting balloons and taking them to my moms so the iowa side can have Katies birthday.

Screw that not celebrating or whatever im all for whoopin it up because she deserves to be celebrated just like Mae is celebrated. Just like my mom is, just like my grandpa is!

Heres to knowingly putting myself in a position to have my heartbroken while riding the tide of excitement.