Once again i find myself conflicted when it comes to the asshole. As a parent who has been cut out of a lot of my childs life, i do feel some sympathy for the asshole because another part of his childs life is going to be cut off from him.

While i feel that conflict because of my own situation. Im not going to stop myself from being part of what keeps the asshole cut out. The assholes actions on many many occasions over the past 5 years has helped me come to forgive myself for leaning towards the cutting him out part.

This person is not able to act appropriately in a social setting. I dont know why and it is no longer my place to try to fix that. Because of this very big problem, along with the fact that there is no longer any meaningful conversation between us. The asshole is going to be missing out on Mae's first steps into her life.

Today we had our headstart preschool orientation. Ohhh how sweet that is, as i hold back the tears because 3 years has gone by so fast. She is such a big girl and such a good sweet girl! My family, my meaningful friends, and me have raised her well. So far so good, lets all knock on some wood.

She still cries when i leave her at daycar, but today when i left the room to go do the adult portion of orientation. She didnt cry or look scared in the least.

We got to her room and we found her name tag. They moved her name tag around and she found it right away. She can track lol. Then the teachers were introducing themselves, Hi my name is Miss Mary, Miss Rhonda and another Miss, sorry there were a lot of new faces i forgot, nice to meet you and put out their hand to shake. And MY MAE! Oh My Mae...she put her little hand out and shook their hands like a big girl and said Hi Miss Mary, Miss Rhonda, Miss....and she even got out nice to meet you to one of them. Ohhhhh it was so good to see that all our hard work was fruitful.

I cant imagine having missed that. To read it is one thing, im pretty sure i convey how my heart swelled with love and pride for what we have accomplished. But to be there in person to see it, to actually feel that feeling of when your child does something and does it appropriately and the way they should. Ooo its a big great feeling.

Do you see where the conflict is coming in? Who would really want to miss their childs first steps into life? I guess when it comes to later in life when Mae asks why her dad wasnt at stuff ill have to find a way to explain to her how he has acted and continues to act in public.

I cant take the chance of the asshole being there or showing up and being inappropriate. Some of the things the asshole has said is so inappropriate that im not even going to explain it here. I tried to explain it to the asshole but the asshole doesnt care, because the same behavior continues.

So for the sake of my sanity, my childs well being, and the start of her new life....im going to once again have to make the hard choices. Sometimes though these hard choices are made easier because of others peoples actions, reactions. All the school needs to know is that the situation isnt pretty and because of that me and my family are the ones who will be the responsible parties to Mae and her education, health and well being.

Believe it or not i do feel kind of bad for the asshole. The only thing that makes it better is knowing that i am not the one who put the asshole in this situation. That this isnt a position that i really wanted to be in, but i have no control over others actions, reactions, words, and whatever else. My job is to make sure Mae is happy and healthy and so far im doing a pretty good job.

Heres to Monday.... a new start for Mae, a new naptime, and all the joys being 3 brings.