I've been having a hard time lately dealing with Grandpa not being here. Last week I did pretty much as little as possible because I just couldnt find any motivation. Normally my facebook is all about how much I'm cleaning. Yes, I know that gets old, but that's usually what I do.

Last week though, I just couldn't do anything. I went to work, took care of Mae, and spent an ungodly amount of time playing Bejeweled. I did just enough housework to keep the hoarding at bay.

I know how those people turn into a hoarder after a traumatic event. I feel like my house is just one wrapper away from a hoarders home. It's not, but that's how I feel. Today I got up and cleaned the house, partly. I got dishes done, living room picked up, laundry in. Tomorrow I need to do the rest of the cleaning.

Also tomorrow if the weather holds, fingers crossed, after Mae gets out of school her and I are going to be outside picking up all the walnuts the tree has dropped. Funny how everyone wants the walnuts, UNTIL, they figure out they have to come and pick them up lol. Yea I tried to get out of it via freecycle, but the two bites I got never happened.

I've been trying to figure out how Mae can see her dad. Though I havn't come up with any solutions. Ok, I have, but they are obviously very unattainable for her dad. He needs to have his own car, or a person with a car, or a cab to come pick her up and drop her off. Mom asked me a couple weeks ago why I couldn't have my friend drop her off and pick her up.

Well, I found out the reason! She feels like he threatened her and she doesn't want to deal with him. He creeps her out and makes her uncomfortable. But after the last exchange she had with him, she won't do it. She feels threatened.

In my circle of friends we believe in the It Takes A Village philosophy. If one of our kids needs to be redirected, then we do it. Be it talking, yelling, or even the occasional swat. We all do it! We do it because we love these kids and want them to grow up with the understanding that you mind your manners etc.. with all adults, not just the adults in the home.

Well somehow he felt it was his duty to get onto my friend about not touching Mae. Whatever he said to her scared her and she felt threatened. I don't blame her! I feel threatened by him and scared of what he will do. Let's face it with the way he lives right now, he's just a serial killer waiting to happen. He's isolated, doesn't have many friends, doesn't get out of his apartment, and in my experience has so few social skills that people are very put off by him.

My mom finally understood a bit better why we don't want to deal with him. Though she did ask me what I would do if he went to court. DUH first thing I'd do is make sure my lawyer has the name of his other kids mothers. There is a reason why he doesn't see his kids, or have child support taken out. Also I would be going through his family history to find out about mental disorders, on top of the molestation issues that I've vaguely heard about.

Am I a bad mother for this? In some peoples eyes maybe, but until you're the one in charge of this little life you just get to judge to yourself and not bitch to me about it. My mom thinks she knows what went on in our relationship. She only knows the little pieces I've told her. There's a whole big ball of Heather should have known better that she doesn't know.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed again and am not sure what to do with myself. I know that the harder I stress the worse the house looks, and I feel, and poor Mae is eating pizza rolls. But at least I have pulled myself out of my grief long enough to keep her in clean clothes, get her to school, read her books, and do the stuff mommy has to.

I'm also really concerned about my friend. She went back to Mayo and they asked her if she wanted to start counseling with their terminal patient therapist. She said no, hers would be fine, especially since Mayo is over 2 hours away.

So I'm just plain worried about everything going on in my life. I tell you what though, if I wasn't a stronger person I would sooooo be falling into a big ol bottle of something.