Welcome Back

It's now a full week since I hit the crazy train real hard. I've always been honest about wondering if i was bipolar. nobody would listen and so i kept living with the depression.

Well the last psych appointment ended up with me behind locked doors for 6 days. 6 days that so far have made a world of difference. However I do know that I can never go to jail because yesterday kind of sucked because i had to do things and go places when all i wanted to do was go home and get reacquainted with no restrictions lol.

This is the short version of the story because the long one has been told already. I got a change of meds at that psych apptmnet and it was a bad reaction. So i ended up in the psych unit but now so far the meds have made a difference.

i scared myself and people i love and all i can say to them is sorry and i have but i needed to be seen and have someone listen to me about whats going on....however the med search is killing me becase its 170 a month for my meds, i dont have them...but ill find a way to pay for them.

i wake up a little groggy but thats what coffee pots are for lol. but i feel better, still axious as hell but im feeling much better.

and i even had a  huge screaming meltdown that ended with this big guy being restrained after i yelled at him and then was all for him coming to beat me...that was my rage day and i obviously wasnt thinking clearly. then  i ended up with ice water n a cup thrown at me...i couldnt go off because they wouldnt get out of my way lol and i wasnt gettin restrained so i just seethed but calmly.

i cant go anywhere i tell ya lol but i did pet the fish! I know see even more proof of my new diagnosis lol.

All jokes aside I really do feel better. Today I started my day and did all my running before anyone was up lol.

now the mission is to keep the meds at a good level without having to be hospitalized again.

So I'm not blogging anywhere lol. I've just been really really unbloggable. Today will be day 7 in a row at work and when I get home I dont want to do anything but love on Mae and sit on my butt lol.

The kids dad got fired so we are without that extra money. It's really really tight around here. I'd get rid of the internet and direct tv but you know those wonderful 2 year contracts. It would cost more than the bill to get out of the contracts. I maxed my credit cards and now there isnt even that to fall back on. Well not only is he going to be an absent father he will now also be lumped into the full on dead beat dad department. But i'm working and all i have to do is just keep getting up and going to work and eventually all the bills will get paid...i hope!

But we won't have to worry about eating because they upped food stamps since we dont have that income. I used the child support for things we needed and without that money well never mind it doesnt matter because those who read this have been there done that.

Mae has to go back to iowa city to see if she has any kind of autism and they say yup she has adhd and pica...lovely!

But shes medicated now and it seems to be helping sorta...i think we need a med adjustment but what do i know.

So the best part of my day is Mae and the worst part of my day is a toss up between work and mae lol

other than that life is life and i really dont have anything to complain about.

Well it looks like im going to be moving my blog because i am not downloading another browser. I am no longer supported by blogger lol. Not sure where im moving it to yet but there are a couple options but seriously what a pain in the ass to have to move my blog AGAIN. First yahoo, then myspace, then livejournal, then something else, something else and blogger...ugh im spread out all over the world wide web. Tales of woe and tales of triumph all kinds of tales.

So instead of a big update like i wanted lol im just going to stop because i have no clue how to do the big update because...my life is in its own form of turmoil and its not dire but enough to send me over the edge...im hanging in there and hanging on...but seriously...ugh....life isnt all roses right now but hey at least i have the thorns!

4 months is a good run for me. I usually bolt at the begining of the 3rd month. But this time I didnt and well it ended. As happy as it all was going the crazy route would have been ok but add to that how attached he is to his mom...well lets just say he decided that he would rather live at home then be here. Ohh but he wants to be friends. There are some ex's I can be friends with. The love I had for this one means I can't be friends with him. He was forever, I saw forever, I heard the click...and now its back to doing it the way it was done before him.

Hell i thought we were getting back together and nope he was getting his big stuff from my house. Ha so funny the way men will get to you.

I guess it's back to the drawing board. My world is upside down right now but thats a good thing because now it looks like im smiling! lol lame i know.

Thankfully I had a relationship with his mama before him and her and I are all good because her and Mae clicked real well and I want her to still see her. He doesn' t get the confusion it would cause for her to hang with him because well she wanted a daddy she chose him and well didnt last long.

Though to his credit he does love Mae and is willing to give her rides to see him and shit so at least he has one up on the donor.

Anyways im gonna get my ass ready to take this kid to school and chill before work.

Holy crap batman! Up at 3 am again because Mae had to get up. So of course I had to stay up to make sure she went back to bed and stayed there. About an hour and a half later I was snoring on the couch because I just had a feeling she'd get back up lol.

Today I don't have much of an agenda except do the dishes and sleep and be lazy. I figure what the hell are two days off for lol.

Soooooo we're both covered in bruises from our romp on the hardwood floors. BUT lol the best part is that the wine made for some pictures that um omg what the hell lol. He lost his hat yesterday and looked and looked and looked for it. Then for some reason I got my phone out and was looking at the pictures. Well we have the proof of hat and that there is baby makin equipment lol. We didn't even remember it til we saw it lol and then of course we promptly found the hat lol. OMG we are bad bad bad people lol.

Well nothing going on still just living life, enjoying our family, and trying not to strangle the kid lol have a great one.

HOP HOP HOP

That's what the Easter Bunny does! I was the bunny! I had a great time until they told me I had to go to lunch. Damn it I was enjoying all the kids even if i was sweating to death.

Hardwood floors need to have rugs on them lol we keep ending up with bruises in places we shouldnt have them lol. Yeah we're working on that making a baby thing. Hopefully it will happen but if not then we still have Mae.

There really truly isnt anything going on in the life of the crazies. Work, love, food, and do it all again lol.

The only interesting thing to happen is that Earl thinks he saw the kids dad. He calls him Skullet and the woman he was with Fugly. Not my words but i find them amusing. What I don't find amusing is that if it was him that he saw, he was two blocks from my house. Which means he either walked down or the woman gave him a ride. Guess that I was right when I said he wanted nothing to do with her because if he did he would have used that woman for a ride to get his kid.

Oh well, the only thing that thought does is freak out Earl because he's afraid Mae will forget him. What he doesn't know is that yesterday Mae started talking about (we'll go with skullet lol) and she started to call him daddy and then stopped and called him dad. He had two years to be with her and now she has a daddy she isn't worried so much about him anymore so now she has a dad and a Daddy. Daddy wins everytime because its the daddy that does the most work.

Life is good and i didnt get screwed at work as much as they tried lol they fucked up and yay im good!

Almost over

Literally 2 minutes to type this before I have to get my ass back out the door to go to work. However by wasting gas and coming home I spent all my paycheck lol. Bills bills bills! But the bills are paid and I only have to work til 3 today with tomorrow off.

Since our fight things have been great. Its weird again let me tell you being at the place where youre good. I think ron was the guy who showed me good guys are out there and i got practice. and my Earl whos as crazy as they come is who i was waiting for.

Him and Mae have really embraced their father/daughter relationship. He has graduated to taking her to school and waiting with her til Tammy gets here on the weekends.

Like I said 2 minutes my pants are screaming at me lol the alarm says run so i must run!