Xanex has been a life saver these past two days. I worked 5 days in a row and then got lucky and had two off in a row. Do you think I got to chill? Hell no lol my life goes at a million miles an hour. If people didn't know better you would think I was all gacked out on meth. Hell as it is I'm not gacked out on anything lol. Well mom did buy a big bottle of wine the other night lol. But sometimes you have to drink a big bottle of wine lol.
Because my ex boss had fax troubles and such Mae and I have been denied food and medical assistance through the state. HOPEFULLY the fax that went through today got filled out and faxed back because it's almost time for that all important shot. Though if I were to end up pregnant lol the only person who would be thrilled is Mae lol she wants a brother and she wants my boyfriend to marry me. Yes she told him that lol.
So anyways working on Tuesday I get a phone call telling me the dentist had a cancellation for Wednesday. Hell yes I want it! I need to get there before my insurance ends. THEN I had to run all over hell and back to get court orders of the child support and official documents showing that the kids dad has been paying child support. Then if that wasn't bad enough lol there was the phone call from hell and another dentist appointment today to have fillings put in and fixed.
Thank god I took the 1pm appointment because I went through hell again today for this home loan. Earlier though in my rush to get to the courthouse, get Mae to school, and to the bank...I was a bad bad mama! I forgot to feed Mae breakfast! WTF seriously lol. Lucky for us the school offers breakfast and she was fed and tomorrow she will eat breakfast there since I have to work at 9 in the morning.
After I get to the bank and start giving her my stuff I ask her if she got the check. OMG i thought i lost a $300 check, luckily it was stuck to some papers in my folder. Signed all kinds of papers so they could keep processing the loan and get the appraiser out there.
So two days in a row Xanex has saved my stressed ass lol. AND THEN....i know can you believe there is more lol.
Remember how I said that just because Mae and I are ready for him to live with us he has to be? Well today on the website I met him on I put as a status: Life just keeps moving on and maaan its moving fast! Home ownership on the horizon!!
I come back later and find out that his reply is want a roommate? WTF what has changed lol. Not that I would have a problem living with him but seriously this is a big change in his attitude. I talked to him and talked to him to try and figure out what was going on in his head. Then I emphasised several times that before he can seriously consider living with us he has to be ready to be a Dad. Because this is all about Mae, not her mommy having a live in. If he moves in he will be becoming her dad because Im not going to live with a man who thinks he has no responsibility to me or my kid. So he's thinking about it, hard. Im sure we will make the right decision especially since he said he wasnt talking about the minute i move in lol.
Then while I was at the library today killing time I get a phone call from the bank needing information from my new job. Called HR an was on hold for a half hour and they had no idea what the hell i was talking about. So i had to log onto a computer and make another call and FINALLY i got the information my mortgage lady needs.
Thank god that I'm not crazy and the stress and anxiety can be taken care of with medication. But damn Im not used to having to use it daily lol. Oh and from my understanding this should be 99% done in 14 business days.
Holy fuck buckets....my life acts like its on speed and i just cant keep up lol. But ooo it looks like everything is going to work out and Mae and I will be in our own house for the holidays and it will be just us and we will see how we interact as a family of 2.
Hope everyone else is taking care of themselves and being good to themselves! For most of you the week is almost over mine is just starting up again lol.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Closer
OMG seriously the hoops that I have had to jump through to even get to this point are amazing. Add to that my selfishness in asking people with troubles in their own lives to add me to their prayer list it's even greater. Then remember somewhere, maybe Dawn's blog, I asked about divine intervention. Well I'm going to take it as some sort of divine intervention because the other night at work Father David from my church came through my line.
Yesterday we consumed a BIG bottle of wine because of some of those hoops. They had to send out for a supplimental credit report because of my stupid student loan that I have been too poor to have payments set on. Equifax needed to do a conference call with me because they were unable to get any answers from my insurance and sell phone provider. Add to that Progressive who I just dropped last year because they raised my rates.
It was PRICELESS the amount of times I watched my mother's jaw drop when she found out that yes when I said I was paying my bills lol I was actually paying my bills....ON TIME no less lol. Ooo it was great lol she even admitted she thought I hadnt been paying on time. Hey I don't blame her, with as much partying as I was able to do. But as my friend said today...you've always budgeted what you had. And if I only had 10 bucks that meant I only had 10 bucks lol.
The worst part about the calls was the guy had an accent and some of the people we talked with on speaker didn't understand him and I had to interrupt for them lol. Then at Progressive they couldn't find any information about me. I was with them for 5 years up til September. I made several folders awhile ago in my email because I got tired of trying to delete stuff and keep important stuff. Thank god I saved one email from progressive with my policy number and bam we were on our way lol.
So today I fell to the floor right outside the bathroom door after a phone call. I was getting ready to go to a dental appointment and my dad and I were talking. At this point in time....I have preapproval for my loan! They have to have it appraised but we're thinking that that won't be a problem because the loan is a very small amount....Ok not that small but in the housing market a small amount.
Today I had to go running all over hell and back; which I'll be doing tomorrow as well, to get the many pieces of paper we needed. Had to go to child support recovery to get a record of the payments that the kids dad has consistantly paid. It's the one thing I can thank him for! Tomorrow I have to go back to the court house and get a copy of the actual court order for the child support. I found my diploma from college along with my transcripts; yet another thing I'm glad I actually kept lol.
Sooo it looks like I owe EVERYONE a big thank you for putting aside your own lives for the moments that you took to think of Mae and I and for your positive influence and thoughts sent out. Because we are soooooo close to having this house.
This house is perfect! This house is the one Mae loves. We love it and for the two of us it will be great! Not huge or anything but perfect for my little family. Ooooo I am trying to not get too excited because whenever I get excited something happens. But it's so perfect that if for some reason Katie wanted to spend an extended period of time with us...all we'd have to do is put a bed up in the basement for her because it's a beautiful basement that can be used as a family room, card room, drinking room....whatever we would need.
Thank you EVERYONE who thought good for us....it is appreciated....Now to get through the appraisal and finding insurance!
Sorry I've been absent but I havn't wanted to say anything because very superstitious am I lol I didnt want to jinx anything and I hope this didnt do that lol.
Yesterday we consumed a BIG bottle of wine because of some of those hoops. They had to send out for a supplimental credit report because of my stupid student loan that I have been too poor to have payments set on. Equifax needed to do a conference call with me because they were unable to get any answers from my insurance and sell phone provider. Add to that Progressive who I just dropped last year because they raised my rates.
It was PRICELESS the amount of times I watched my mother's jaw drop when she found out that yes when I said I was paying my bills lol I was actually paying my bills....ON TIME no less lol. Ooo it was great lol she even admitted she thought I hadnt been paying on time. Hey I don't blame her, with as much partying as I was able to do. But as my friend said today...you've always budgeted what you had. And if I only had 10 bucks that meant I only had 10 bucks lol.
The worst part about the calls was the guy had an accent and some of the people we talked with on speaker didn't understand him and I had to interrupt for them lol. Then at Progressive they couldn't find any information about me. I was with them for 5 years up til September. I made several folders awhile ago in my email because I got tired of trying to delete stuff and keep important stuff. Thank god I saved one email from progressive with my policy number and bam we were on our way lol.
So today I fell to the floor right outside the bathroom door after a phone call. I was getting ready to go to a dental appointment and my dad and I were talking. At this point in time....I have preapproval for my loan! They have to have it appraised but we're thinking that that won't be a problem because the loan is a very small amount....Ok not that small but in the housing market a small amount.
Today I had to go running all over hell and back; which I'll be doing tomorrow as well, to get the many pieces of paper we needed. Had to go to child support recovery to get a record of the payments that the kids dad has consistantly paid. It's the one thing I can thank him for! Tomorrow I have to go back to the court house and get a copy of the actual court order for the child support. I found my diploma from college along with my transcripts; yet another thing I'm glad I actually kept lol.
Sooo it looks like I owe EVERYONE a big thank you for putting aside your own lives for the moments that you took to think of Mae and I and for your positive influence and thoughts sent out. Because we are soooooo close to having this house.
This house is perfect! This house is the one Mae loves. We love it and for the two of us it will be great! Not huge or anything but perfect for my little family. Ooooo I am trying to not get too excited because whenever I get excited something happens. But it's so perfect that if for some reason Katie wanted to spend an extended period of time with us...all we'd have to do is put a bed up in the basement for her because it's a beautiful basement that can be used as a family room, card room, drinking room....whatever we would need.
Thank you EVERYONE who thought good for us....it is appreciated....Now to get through the appraisal and finding insurance!
Sorry I've been absent but I havn't wanted to say anything because very superstitious am I lol I didnt want to jinx anything and I hope this didnt do that lol.
Friday, August 19, 2011
WOW!
I read and watch a ton of true crime. One of them that Ive been interested in and just got done rereading was about the West Memphis 3. 3 boys who were railroaded and convicted because they were into the wrong kind of music(my opinion). After seeing the documentaries and reading numerous book and articles about them today I got a shock.
I got online to check my email and it said they were released. I dont know them, Ive never written them, Ive only read about them and visited their website but I was whooping and hollering because they were finally freed!
Yes I agree with Jason that having to say they were guilty to get out was shitty and wrong and they should have just gotten a new trial. However he took Damien's life into consideration because the state of Arkansas was trying to put him to death and took the deal. The defense attorney was right on, in my opinon, that the state wouldnt have let them out if they thought they were guilty at this point.
But after all the publicity, all the public documents, all the appeals....and in the enlightened age of 2011(sarcasm) I agree that there is no way they could have retried these men because noone in their right mind could find them guilty and never should have!
Jesse's confession was so screwed up that he basically had to be lead by the hand to get to the right times and circumstances of the crime to get a confession. Worse yet is that he was denied legal counsel and add on top of that his mental capacity.
Ooo what a wonderful day for their families and friends! It may have taken nearly 20 years, but finally they are free and I hope that some day they are able to totally clear their names because I know I am not alone in my opinion of these men were railroaded and did not get a fair trial and now they finally can go home!
Many prayers were answered today and Im glad theirs was heard!
I got online to check my email and it said they were released. I dont know them, Ive never written them, Ive only read about them and visited their website but I was whooping and hollering because they were finally freed!
Yes I agree with Jason that having to say they were guilty to get out was shitty and wrong and they should have just gotten a new trial. However he took Damien's life into consideration because the state of Arkansas was trying to put him to death and took the deal. The defense attorney was right on, in my opinon, that the state wouldnt have let them out if they thought they were guilty at this point.
But after all the publicity, all the public documents, all the appeals....and in the enlightened age of 2011(sarcasm) I agree that there is no way they could have retried these men because noone in their right mind could find them guilty and never should have!
Jesse's confession was so screwed up that he basically had to be lead by the hand to get to the right times and circumstances of the crime to get a confession. Worse yet is that he was denied legal counsel and add on top of that his mental capacity.
Ooo what a wonderful day for their families and friends! It may have taken nearly 20 years, but finally they are free and I hope that some day they are able to totally clear their names because I know I am not alone in my opinion of these men were railroaded and did not get a fair trial and now they finally can go home!
Many prayers were answered today and Im glad theirs was heard!
Maybe Monday
The bottom line is I have a new job! That and Mae have to be my focus! Today is Mae's first day of kindergarten. Though I got screwed out of my first day without her lol. She has a 1pm dr's appointment and my new glasses are in lol. Damn here I thought I was going to be able to come home, turn on tv and sleep for several hours lol. So maybe monday!
Monday....we all hate that day but for me Monday means only having to get through Tuesday to have a day off. I have 5 days straight at the new job because I picked up a shift already! Yay me! And then Monday is also the day we find out if we get a new house or not.
I appreciate everyone who is praying for us! Especially since we all have shit going on in our lives that makes it hard to have hope for ourselves let alone anyone else. St Joseph...funny how when Dawn brought him up we had a bit more hope. She brought him up to me on the 17th, my Uncle was a Joseph, and his birthday is the 17th of september lol. Um its really hard to not take this as a sign. Because we all know that just because its a sign doesnt mean its a good one.
I go to church and I pray for everyone else. The only thing I usually pray for for myself is help with being a better mother, daughter, friend, and girlfriend. I don't pray for things to happen for myself. I think this Sunday if I get to church(have to work Sunday) I will be praying for this to happen for Mae and me. It will make our lives that much better and will give me more purpose for getting my ass to work.
Though I must admit getting my ass to work isn't a problem. No matter the job I have always gotten myself to work. Sitting around on my ass and collecting a check for nothing isnt my thing. I was going crazy when I was on disability. Yeah getting a check every week was nice, but thats not the same as going out and actually earning money.
So today I am focused not on the loan that I am having a hard time holding onto faith and hope of getting, but on my new job! Focusing on the constants in my life. My crazy wonderful terror of a daughter who starts at her " catholic school" today, and the fact that I need to get fast on the register so I can get more hours at the new job! And to get good enough to not have a freakin trainer and be on my own!
Here's to Monday and everyone having a great weekend!
Monday....we all hate that day but for me Monday means only having to get through Tuesday to have a day off. I have 5 days straight at the new job because I picked up a shift already! Yay me! And then Monday is also the day we find out if we get a new house or not.
I appreciate everyone who is praying for us! Especially since we all have shit going on in our lives that makes it hard to have hope for ourselves let alone anyone else. St Joseph...funny how when Dawn brought him up we had a bit more hope. She brought him up to me on the 17th, my Uncle was a Joseph, and his birthday is the 17th of september lol. Um its really hard to not take this as a sign. Because we all know that just because its a sign doesnt mean its a good one.
I go to church and I pray for everyone else. The only thing I usually pray for for myself is help with being a better mother, daughter, friend, and girlfriend. I don't pray for things to happen for myself. I think this Sunday if I get to church(have to work Sunday) I will be praying for this to happen for Mae and me. It will make our lives that much better and will give me more purpose for getting my ass to work.
Though I must admit getting my ass to work isn't a problem. No matter the job I have always gotten myself to work. Sitting around on my ass and collecting a check for nothing isnt my thing. I was going crazy when I was on disability. Yeah getting a check every week was nice, but thats not the same as going out and actually earning money.
So today I am focused not on the loan that I am having a hard time holding onto faith and hope of getting, but on my new job! Focusing on the constants in my life. My crazy wonderful terror of a daughter who starts at her " catholic school" today, and the fact that I need to get fast on the register so I can get more hours at the new job! And to get good enough to not have a freakin trainer and be on my own!
Here's to Monday and everyone having a great weekend!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Happy Birthday!
So this is about 8 hours early for my girly and at least 3 hours early for Dawns girl...BUT happy birthday to the two beautiful birthday girls!
Two mothers who never knew what was in store for them, but totally love their kiddos even with all the trials n tribulations that have surrounded both stories!
Two beautiful girls share the same day and both are so special that they don't make helmets big enough for the situation! :)
Two girls who have brought love and joy to the lives of so many and both don't even know how much their lives have made others better!
So tonight instead of worrying about the BIG issue in my life at this moment...Im going to rejoice in the fact that Dawn and I have two beautiful girls who are celebrating a birthday tomorrow and be thankful that we have them in our lives!
Two mothers who never knew what was in store for them, but totally love their kiddos even with all the trials n tribulations that have surrounded both stories!
Two beautiful girls share the same day and both are so special that they don't make helmets big enough for the situation! :)
Two girls who have brought love and joy to the lives of so many and both don't even know how much their lives have made others better!
So tonight instead of worrying about the BIG issue in my life at this moment...Im going to rejoice in the fact that Dawn and I have two beautiful girls who are celebrating a birthday tomorrow and be thankful that we have them in our lives!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Wednesday came early
Have I mentioned at all that he's a real man? Doesn't hit, doesn't scream, doesn't go ballistic and then comes over so we can talk and try to figure things out. Work things out. Get things back on track. Though I know some people have reading comprehension problems, to those I say go back and get your education.
He came over tonight and we talked, cuddled on the couch, talked about other stuff, untangled a necklace and went over my schedule and found out that with WM we will be able to actually plan things.
I broke the no sex rule lol but that was only after a lot of hugging, couple hours of snuggling on the couch and while trying to say good bye lol we did lots of huggin n kissin lol.
He wasn't going to cuz it would make me feel bad cuz of some other issues we had talked about. Told him this was the exception...make up sex! I have never had make up sex that didn't result from physical violence. And let me tell you what! It was some good fucking sex!
We figured out that it was both our faults for the way I have been feeling and what is actually going on with us. We want to be together. When we are together we dont argue or fight. It's when we go days and weeks without physcially laying eyes on each other that it goes craptastic.
But get us together and we're all good. Hell not only did I miss him Mae missed him. She got up when she heard him and wanted to hug and kiss him. He is doing a good job with her and she got her hug and kiss.
We went over my schedule and we figured out when to see each other, what possible days he can stay over and he may actually get talked to at work because of all the overtime he put in that wasn't approved. I told him I get that you cant pass up 20 bucks n hour but seriously dont answer the phone lol.
The best part of him coming over was being on the couch. Watching tv curled all up on him and just being together. I told him this is what we have to do even if we have to do it with my mom and watch tv. I promised no bridezillas lol.
He loves me, i love him...but i dont know how to make things work when there isnt the threat of physical violence.
I knew he was different when I met him...wish i could quickly get over my issues so we can just enjoy what we have. We went a little overboard with the sex when it first started happening and i let it happen. now we know what we have to do and what we have as expectations.
Can you belive i was going to let a real man, a good man slip through my fingers because I'm not used to being with a real man! Someone slap me...ooo wait he already pulled my hair and gave me sex hair lol i think that counts.
This blog brought to you by the night time meds that make me sleepy and loopy lol...good thing they dont kick in right away lol or makeup sex would have been delayed if it even got off the ground! Did I mention he was hesitant cuz he didn't want me to feel bad...thats a good man!
He came over tonight and we talked, cuddled on the couch, talked about other stuff, untangled a necklace and went over my schedule and found out that with WM we will be able to actually plan things.
I broke the no sex rule lol but that was only after a lot of hugging, couple hours of snuggling on the couch and while trying to say good bye lol we did lots of huggin n kissin lol.
He wasn't going to cuz it would make me feel bad cuz of some other issues we had talked about. Told him this was the exception...make up sex! I have never had make up sex that didn't result from physical violence. And let me tell you what! It was some good fucking sex!
We figured out that it was both our faults for the way I have been feeling and what is actually going on with us. We want to be together. When we are together we dont argue or fight. It's when we go days and weeks without physcially laying eyes on each other that it goes craptastic.
But get us together and we're all good. Hell not only did I miss him Mae missed him. She got up when she heard him and wanted to hug and kiss him. He is doing a good job with her and she got her hug and kiss.
We went over my schedule and we figured out when to see each other, what possible days he can stay over and he may actually get talked to at work because of all the overtime he put in that wasn't approved. I told him I get that you cant pass up 20 bucks n hour but seriously dont answer the phone lol.
The best part of him coming over was being on the couch. Watching tv curled all up on him and just being together. I told him this is what we have to do even if we have to do it with my mom and watch tv. I promised no bridezillas lol.
He loves me, i love him...but i dont know how to make things work when there isnt the threat of physical violence.
I knew he was different when I met him...wish i could quickly get over my issues so we can just enjoy what we have. We went a little overboard with the sex when it first started happening and i let it happen. now we know what we have to do and what we have as expectations.
Can you belive i was going to let a real man, a good man slip through my fingers because I'm not used to being with a real man! Someone slap me...ooo wait he already pulled my hair and gave me sex hair lol i think that counts.
This blog brought to you by the night time meds that make me sleepy and loopy lol...good thing they dont kick in right away lol or makeup sex would have been delayed if it even got off the ground! Did I mention he was hesitant cuz he didn't want me to feel bad...thats a good man!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Wednesday
I'm giving myself til Wednesday to decide if I still have a boyfriend or not. Tonight was just another disappointment and I'm tired of being disappointed.
I know it's wrong of me to feel this way and I know he has to work. It's just a seriously shitty thing whenever we try to get together to do anything his work interfers. Someone can't come in and he loses his day off. Saturday night and the next shift can't make it in on time. He can't leave on time or he loses his job. So I can't expect that and I don't. BUT I can choose to continue on this way or to not.
I do love him, I love how it is when we're together. However, I don't like feeling like I'm an option. I have Mae to think about. I have me to think about. I have a new job that already is paying me more than I was making. I have a schedule that I can plan things around. I want to see him. I don't want an online relationship or a texting relationship.
I'm a grown woman and I want to see my guy. I want to feel my guy. I want to look into my guy's eyes. As it stands right now I havn't physically seen him in almost two weeks. Sure I've texted and talked to him. For me, I don't think it's enough.
We have plans to meet up on Wednesday. I'm seriously betting that it doesn't happen. I'm betting that he gets halfway here again and has to turn around to get ready for work.
Sure I may being unreasonable, but really I'm a girl who has to have contact with my guy. I don't think he's doing anything behind my back which is a first lol, but I just feel like an option and not a girlfriend.
So at the moment I'm in limbo as I try to figure out if I want to try to make this work out, or if I want to say fuck it and just end it. Sadly I don't want to end it, but the no contact except by phone is getting old. I need to see him, be held by him, hold him, feed him all the things that you do in a relationship.
Leave it to me to end a good thing because I'm selfish. But Wednesday will tell.
I know it's wrong of me to feel this way and I know he has to work. It's just a seriously shitty thing whenever we try to get together to do anything his work interfers. Someone can't come in and he loses his day off. Saturday night and the next shift can't make it in on time. He can't leave on time or he loses his job. So I can't expect that and I don't. BUT I can choose to continue on this way or to not.
I do love him, I love how it is when we're together. However, I don't like feeling like I'm an option. I have Mae to think about. I have me to think about. I have a new job that already is paying me more than I was making. I have a schedule that I can plan things around. I want to see him. I don't want an online relationship or a texting relationship.
I'm a grown woman and I want to see my guy. I want to feel my guy. I want to look into my guy's eyes. As it stands right now I havn't physically seen him in almost two weeks. Sure I've texted and talked to him. For me, I don't think it's enough.
We have plans to meet up on Wednesday. I'm seriously betting that it doesn't happen. I'm betting that he gets halfway here again and has to turn around to get ready for work.
Sure I may being unreasonable, but really I'm a girl who has to have contact with my guy. I don't think he's doing anything behind my back which is a first lol, but I just feel like an option and not a girlfriend.
So at the moment I'm in limbo as I try to figure out if I want to try to make this work out, or if I want to say fuck it and just end it. Sadly I don't want to end it, but the no contact except by phone is getting old. I need to see him, be held by him, hold him, feed him all the things that you do in a relationship.
Leave it to me to end a good thing because I'm selfish. But Wednesday will tell.
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