And the drama begins again! The kids dad has threatened to keep Mae from me tomorrow when I go to pick her up. I told him on the phone then I would be bringing the police with me to get her. He then says that he will just tell them I've been in the psych unit and I'm psycho crazy and they won't give her to me.

Wrong buddy...you are ooo so wrong! Being in the psych unit has no bearing on me getting my daughter. Especially considering that I was there because of a huge fucking panic attack that had me reeling and not knowing what to do. Also, it helps that I have had my intake evaluation for therapy and again...Confirmed...I am not psychotic, I am not anything but depressed and anxious. Ooo it is a crime to be depressed and anxious, you know they won't give me my kiddo. Right!

So tomorrow when I get off work it will be me and the police, or me and one of three family members headed over there to pick her up.

It's actually kind of pathetic because I called tonight and he was slurring his words like he had been drinking. I did not raise my voice to him, I had no need to. But it all came out that it's my fault he won't get to go camping. Um you didn't tell me you had plans. If you would have told me you had plans I wouldn't have kept changing mine. HOWEVER the fact remains that he would have had her tomorrow from 930 am til a bit after 4 pm no matter what. Sooo something isn't quite adding up. So what do I do since I "supposedly" cost him a non refundable deposit? I offer to throw 30 dollars into his account to cover that cost. Ooooo no that is not acceptable to him. I am not to do that I am not to do this. Seriously, you get pissed and tell me that and then get pissed because I'm going to refund you the money? Sad and pathetic and makes no sense to me.

These are the reasons why he should not have visitation with his daughter. These are the reasons why I worry about her over there. These are the reasons that I take his visitation away from him. The only bad thing is it does not work! He doesn't ever learn from his behavior. I don't know what will make him learn. But obviously he doesn't give a good goddamn about his daughter if he is going to CONTINUE to threaten me with not letting me pick her up.

I tell you this much though, if she is not at his place when I get there tomorrow. I will file a missing persons report on her, and see if it qualifies as kidnapping. It is not my intention to keep him from her. It is however my JOB to keep her safe from all the nasties in life. If he wants to be one of the nasties...well then he will have to learn to deal with the fact that he is the reason she can't be around him.

You would think that he would learn that threatening me with keeping Mae is not an option. I guess this is his way of saying he doesn't want her on the weekends. He wants to do this that and the other. Well muthafucker....pick a better way because me having to keep Mae from him isn't as fun as it is to some people.

But then again...when you point the finger at someone...remember you have three pointing back at you. So i guess that means he is the psycho fucked up person. Seriously? You want to fuck with people...man you picked the wrong ones!

PS

So my mom calls him and he is slurring his words to her. Then he vents to her and she tells me she didn't want to hear a word of it! She did say she was satisfied Mae was in no danger and well...the rest I'm keeping to myself! But seriously...when will he ever learn that MY MOTHER IS MY MOTHER AND IS ALWAYS ON MY SIDE!

I miss him so much. I want my grandpa. I don't like life without him. I don't like that Mae has to ask me if I'm crying again. I want my grandpa! I want him I want him I want him!

I feel bad for going out and enjoying life. I feel bad for having a couple drinks with friends and the kids all playing.

I feel like I don't know. I just know that right now, right this second. I miss him so much that it hurts and I can't let it all out.

It will get better, I know it will. But this second right now...I want him I want him.

Thanks for the good luck on the apps Brenda! BUT lol i just got done checking my "business" email and wouldn't you know it....more rejection.

I don't know what it is that screams don't hire me, but it does and I'm sick of it! I need a fucking job. I have a fucking med secretary diploma, i have 15,000(and growing) student loans, and I can't even get a job cleaning the fucking hospital floors? Are you kidding me?

The one call center we have is only hiring for save a sale positions. Um hello, that's not inbound calling, that's a fucked up hybrid of inbound calling.

I am very frustrated and very very just waaaaaaaaaa over this. I need a fucking job. I can't get one. I tell you what if I have to I will go work at the meat packing plant. I don't want to, but I will. But seriously...cmon there has to be something out there that will pay decent or have decent hours or something.

I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for the utility company or the bug place. Someone has to hire me! They have to!!

One way to hide from depression, if you aren't medicated for it, is to keep yourself so damned busy that your to damned tired to figure out if your lack of caring is because you don't care or because you just really don't care. Anyways, if you havn't figured it out yet, today was one of those busy days.

I was running from the time I got up til a couple hours ago. But then I was on the phone with my mom. That wasn't as pleasant as it could be. She really really is into this one house. The only thing I really like about the house is the yard. I'm sorry I just don't like the house. Ok so the living room and partial dining is good, but it's the bedrooms. I just don't like them. It's like she is trying to talk me into liking it because she likes it so much. I get why it's what she wants us to have. I really really do, it's also the reason I would live forever at a place I don't like. Yup! You guessed it .... Mae!

So now she is going to let me go an look at places. I have to do something she says. Here's the problem, what I like she won't. And if she does that means we are just looking at a dream house. Mmmm hmmm yea...so who knows how thats going to go.

I picked up an application, printed out an application, wrote a letter of introduction, and printed out 2 resumes today. All while finding out something that I DID NOT KNOW! lol.

Today was the intake for therapy. At the end she goes...so do you want therapy. I was like um yeah, I'm not all kinds of broken, but I'm still kind of broken. She told me no I'm not crazy, which is what I've been thinking since I had my incident lol. She informed me, and I also found out EVERYONE ELSE DID TOO, that what I had wasn't a psychotic break or anything like that. What it was was a good ol' fashioned panic attack. I don't know why noone else told me this! But that's what it was. That if I hadn't said anything about the thoughts of the days before I went that they would have kept me in the ER for about 6 to 12 hours for observation. Well WTF!

So once again it is nice to have confirmation that I am indeed NOT riding the crazy train. Though the kids dad today wanted to make jokes about it. I don't know how to get through to him that he can not joke with me at this time, about anything at all! I am not capable at this time of understanding or getting other peoples humor. Heck even my friend today was feeling bad because I totally missed the joke. Yea...I'm not all broken but I'm still a bit broke.

Tomorrow we have shots for Mae and lead testing. My girl will be going to the psych doc in July for the pica...I can't remember if I mentioned this or not. But while I'm there I'll be asking about other things in her personality.

I'm tired. I sleep for a couple hours and then wake up. Then am up for a bit and then back down. I am sooo not digging this. But hopefully soon I'll have the medication to help everything.

Here's to confirmation that you are not riding the crazy train!

So I'm the crazy friend now. It's ok, because my friend who calls me that actually saw me lose my mind. Saw what it's like when a person can not take anymore and just snaps. I'm starting to feel at that point again. I know what it is, it's depression. It's anger; it's rage; it's frustration. It's a whole host of things because of the way life is right now. No, I'm not crazy, but I can play crazy pretty well.

I picked up a day shift at work today, which I'm really glad I did. I havn't been sleeping again, thank you depression(i assume), and it's made me cranky and irritable. Add to that that I have quit smoking again. So much easier to just beg, borrow, steal the 6 bucks for smokes, but not the right choice.

I don't know if I could get through day 1 with Mae feeling like this. So yay for Mae; she gets to go to daycare where she will have fun.

Tomorrow starts the therapy. Hopefully something can be done to help me with the anxiety and sleeplessness and depression. I hate that I had to wait so long though. Oh well.

Adding to my depression is the whole not being able to find work. I'd really really like to know what it is about my resume that screams DO NOT HIRE HER!!! I have a diploma as a medical secretary, I have held a job for a lenght of time, I have decent references. But I just keep getting rejection letter after rejection letter.

My mom wants me to buy a house. But knows it depends on the job I get. Yea well I can't seem to get a job. But they expect me to pull one out of my ass. What noone seems to realize is that I have been looking for work. I have been trying to find a job. They either aren't out there, or they don't want me. So I'm under stress and pressure on that front.

I am seriously lost and just want to give up. Give in and not go to my 2 shift a week job, that I have to hustle to get to be 4 shifts. And then the 4 shifts don't pay shit! It would be so easy to just give in and give up and stay in bed.

A friend of mine is all over my ass because I went and asked for help from the damn psych unit. Fuck you buddy, it takes a much stronger person to go to the professionals then to sit in your living room and cut yourself up and be a bad attention whore.

So yea, I'm not at a real good place in my life at the moment. Thank god there are a bunch of silver lineings out there and how the hell do you spell lineing? That sure doesnt look right!

Sigh...One day normal heather will be back, and I for one can't wait lol

Distracted Mommy Moment

My mom is going to put a birthday thing, at least thats what i think it is, for Grandpa in the Sunday Celebration section. I uploaded photos to WalMart and called her to see if she would be able to meet me outside her office so I could drop off the pics I had of Grandpa.

While talking to her I had to talk her down from what i consider irrational thinking. We're all guilty of it, sometimes you just have to share. She was feeling bad because not only did she sign the papers for hospice, she was feeling like she should have told him we were taking him there.

I told her hell no. You did nothing wrong. That would have just been cruel to tell him that we were going to hospice. The last coherent thing, besides the hug and i love you, said to my Grandpa from me was an out right lie! So if your going to feel bad about not telling him he was going to hospice then I should be feeling lower than(insert the name of your favorite crazy person here) because I lied to my Grandpa on his death bed!

I told her Grandpa would never have been that cruel to us. He would never have said ok I love you and now we're off to Hospice. I know that's not how mom would say it, but by saying it like that it helps chip away at the irrational thought. I told her, he had to know that he was very ill. We had told him that much, and cmon...like i said to my mom, Grandpa experienced A LOT of death in his lifetime. He spent many times next to a bedside saying all the i love yous. He had to know it was bad because ALL of his brothers and sisters(except david...i dont get that one except he's the youngest and probably didn't have the connection to Grandpa we all had) were with him. They were in the hospital every day if not every other day. All any of us did was tell him how much we loved him and tried to have conversation while we had him.

I reminded mom that at the end with Grandpa, we didn't have a fulltime Grandpa. We had moments of Grandpa. Small pockets of time that we had Him! Would she have wanted to waste one of those moments being cruel to him in a way he never would with us.

I got her to feeling better and she said that made sense. Grandpa wouldn't do us like that, and she was feeling a bit better.....THEN IT HAPPENED!

All this time I was talking to mom, I was also getting Mae ready for her last day of school. Yes I play the role of Distracted Mommy and I also win the worst mother of the day award!

Got Mae into the car, got the car out of the drive and to the school. Got Mae out of the car, and POPPED THE TRUNK because I needed a sack to bring all Mae's papers home. Still talking to mom, and I SLAMMED the trunk lid down.

It bounced back up and that's when I started screaming! I slammed that trunk. I slammed it hard! And the reason it bounced back up, because Mae's hand was in the way. OMG OMG...I screamed and they heard me inside. I was freaking out. Mae hadn't lost it yet, I think my screaming was disctracting her. I hustled her into school, just out of my mind. I was scared I had hurt her bad.

I wasn't even paying attention. I just slammed the trunk.

Thankfully, at this moment, nothing is wrong. There is a big scratch/dent type thing on her hand, it's red, and I know it's going to swell. I am the worst mom today! I feel so god awful horrible. Not only did I hurt Mae, I had yelled to mom I gotta go i gotta go and just hung up all panicked(ok someone spell panicked for me lol).

I called her back after the teachers got me and Mae all calmed down. The parents were even concerned about us. When I scream...I scream. When I'm scared I scream louder. She said she was so worried, she just started praying real hard because of the way I ended the call.

Ooo this morning is such a wonderful day(sarcasm), well it's not all bad. It's just the first few minutes were too exciting for me lol.

Mom asked me for a line for the thing in the paper. I came up with one and the revised version(since this thing is from all of us) is...Your memory is our salvation

Today is Mae's graduation from her first year of headstart. They have the room across the hall all set up for our little graduates. It's at 10am and I plan on being there at 930am so I can snag two seats right in the front!

I need to have my pictures and I need to have my little video of the kiddos singing.

Today is also bitter sweet. Never back in August when she started did I think that my Grandpa wouldn't be here to see her with her cap(they did caps last year so im assuming they will today) and to sing her little song. Accept congratulations from her teachers and classmates families.

Thankfully making the day a bit better and special for Mae my dad will be coming. Thank you Dad for coming into town to see your mom. Thanks to his company for putting him on 2nd shift because now Mae will have someone other than Mommy beaming with pride at her.

Today is one of those days that you get through with heartfelt gladness and love, and a bit of profound sadness. But we will get through it and we will enjoy it.

Oh and my mother lol. It lasted all of 12 hours lol. She came into the living room and said its nasty. Funny thing is, all it needs is a vaccum, the 6 toys picked up(she made mae do it lol), and the stuff SHE left out on the table! Soo funny lol.

But she did come to tell her granddaughter how proud she was of her and congratulations.

I really wish he was here today in body, not just spirit, because he started her on her path of independence, education, and growth. May he watch over her all the days of her life!