I wasn't capable of reality today. I couldn't even reach the playground gate! I had a total emo day. The only thing I did was take care of Mae.
I just couldn't pull myself out of the hole I was in. I'm not out of it now, but I am trying to climb up.
Tomorrow I have to play in reality. I have no choice. I just don't even know how to handle all of this and process it.
Thank god the day is over and I can sleep. Let's hope tomorrow is much better than today!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Welcome to yet another BiPolar Moment with your hostess with the mostess! It's a rainy, nasty, dreary, yucky day in Iowa. Totally fitting for the mood that I acquired this morning.
My friend Kimmi and I talk a lot in the morning around 8. Today was no different. She did her bitching and I did my bragging about what a good night Grandpa had when I stayed. We both were in really good moods. Things were going ok, we were just having girl talk, when my mom called in.
It's just way easier to take her call and see what she wants right away. I wish I wouldn't have answered the phone. That's when the BPM started. God it kind of makes me wish I was bipolar because at least then I'd be medicated for it ya know what I mean?!
She was calling to tell me that Grandpa's night wasn't too bad, but his oxygen numbers dropped again and... They were taking him to ICU! Not what I wanted, or needed, to hear! At that time they were talking of putting him on the ventilator. Now I know they didn't. He is back on the bipap machine, THAT HE HATES. Mom was telling him if he just left it alone she would ask the doctor if he could go home tomorrow and if he said yes she would. She lied lol ok didn't lie but coerced or lied by omission..something lol, but it worked he settled down.
I am really in a funk right now and I'm just going to go with it. With the weather and my mood why fight it. Tomorrow is another day and there are plans for it. So get it out of my system now!
Yea easier said than done. I am depressed and sad and all kinds of things. But at least I know it and know what I need to do. I'm going to wallow today, and tomorrow be ok. I rented a bunch of movies for me, and me and Mae. Then tonight we will cheese out to tv and have fancy schmancy for supper!
Seee it's not all horrible, just enough good to keep ya afloat....ahhh life!
My friend Kimmi and I talk a lot in the morning around 8. Today was no different. She did her bitching and I did my bragging about what a good night Grandpa had when I stayed. We both were in really good moods. Things were going ok, we were just having girl talk, when my mom called in.
It's just way easier to take her call and see what she wants right away. I wish I wouldn't have answered the phone. That's when the BPM started. God it kind of makes me wish I was bipolar because at least then I'd be medicated for it ya know what I mean?!
She was calling to tell me that Grandpa's night wasn't too bad, but his oxygen numbers dropped again and... They were taking him to ICU! Not what I wanted, or needed, to hear! At that time they were talking of putting him on the ventilator. Now I know they didn't. He is back on the bipap machine, THAT HE HATES. Mom was telling him if he just left it alone she would ask the doctor if he could go home tomorrow and if he said yes she would. She lied lol ok didn't lie but coerced or lied by omission..something lol, but it worked he settled down.
I am really in a funk right now and I'm just going to go with it. With the weather and my mood why fight it. Tomorrow is another day and there are plans for it. So get it out of my system now!
Yea easier said than done. I am depressed and sad and all kinds of things. But at least I know it and know what I need to do. I'm going to wallow today, and tomorrow be ok. I rented a bunch of movies for me, and me and Mae. Then tonight we will cheese out to tv and have fancy schmancy for supper!
Seee it's not all horrible, just enough good to keep ya afloat....ahhh life!
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
I really have the distinct impression that I am supposed to be doing it all. I also have the distinct impression that I'm disappointing everyone around me. I also don't understand how my parents want me to be looking for a fulltime job, but then expect me to spend every day, or every other day at the hospital.
I can't please everyone, though lord knows I try. I don't deserve the guilt my mother is laying on me. It isn't my fault that things cost so much and we have to do the work. I'm not complaining about the work, I'm complaining about feeling like I'm ignoring my daughter. I had to explain to my mom that Mae is acting out. She is having bad days at school, being mouthier, just plain being irritating because it's getting her attention. Attention she didn't have to fight for before.
But some how Maes needs arent coming across as important. That or mom is too blinded with the begining of grief and needing to take care of her dad that noone else matters. WHICH I UNDERSTAND.
But we can't do it all. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him on his own because who knows if we would have another incident. I told mom if it keeps up I'll be back on the edge again.
I tried explaining to her how the drug made me feel better but too much of it hurt. Guess you just had to put lots of substances in your body to know what i mean. I tried explaining to her that its like a withdrawl. That its not fun after it stops being fun. I've had my fair share of experience in this department. It makes you snappy and jumpy and crabby and it's hard. Glad that I only spent 4 bucks for this instead of what street drugs go for lol.
I guess its a good thing i blog, can you imagine all this still stuck swirling around my head? Please let something normal happen. I asked for Saturday off and Monday off so I can do Mae things...please let me get them!
I can't please everyone, though lord knows I try. I don't deserve the guilt my mother is laying on me. It isn't my fault that things cost so much and we have to do the work. I'm not complaining about the work, I'm complaining about feeling like I'm ignoring my daughter. I had to explain to my mom that Mae is acting out. She is having bad days at school, being mouthier, just plain being irritating because it's getting her attention. Attention she didn't have to fight for before.
But some how Maes needs arent coming across as important. That or mom is too blinded with the begining of grief and needing to take care of her dad that noone else matters. WHICH I UNDERSTAND.
But we can't do it all. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him on his own because who knows if we would have another incident. I told mom if it keeps up I'll be back on the edge again.
I tried explaining to her how the drug made me feel better but too much of it hurt. Guess you just had to put lots of substances in your body to know what i mean. I tried explaining to her that its like a withdrawl. That its not fun after it stops being fun. I've had my fair share of experience in this department. It makes you snappy and jumpy and crabby and it's hard. Glad that I only spent 4 bucks for this instead of what street drugs go for lol.
I guess its a good thing i blog, can you imagine all this still stuck swirling around my head? Please let something normal happen. I asked for Saturday off and Monday off so I can do Mae things...please let me get them!
I feel like I'm neglecting Mae. I told my mom today that I'd put her on the back burner, because that's exactly how it feels to me, and she blew up at me. She doesn't want to hear it, I need to tell my friends that and not her.
But she is the reason why I am putting Mae on the back burner. Monday was their birthdays. I wanted to take treats to her class and have lunch then, but I had to drive to get my Uncle from the airport. 4 hours roundtrip. Then I had to stay with Grandpa, not complaining, so that ruled out Tuesday. Well I was going to do it today, but my mom told the bed place it was ok to come today. Doesn't matter that I wanted to do Mae today. So I said I'd do it tomorrow. Only way I can do tomorrow is if Grandpa has a good night tonight. Because I have to stay with grandpa tonight because if he goes to the nursing home mom will be there and it would mean two nights up for her. Um hellllo!!! I was all freaking drugged on Saturday when I checked out of the psych unit(partly because of "my responsibilities" that she reminded me of) and I spent the night with him.
We got into it! I have had like 2 nights since all of this that were for me. To do something I wanted to do, or nothing at all. I am not counting the 36 hours in the psych because even if I hadnt gone I wouldnt have been able to help anyone because of the state i was in. I don't like the feeling of neglecting Mae.
I don't like feeling I'm neglecting my grandpa. I just can't get a break. Mom talks to me like I havn't done anything and I'm so ungreatful when I say that I want to do something for me and something with Mae. I yelled at her that I have done just as much as her! If not more since I'm the one with the image of my grandpa helpless on the fucking floor!
My friend told me today that she was talking to another friend of ours about me. She said it was like he didn't know me. Didn't know that I take on everything! I do take on everything. But I can only take so much. I'm really really looking forward to having someone to talk to. Someone who is paid to listen to me and to help me figure things out.
I don't think I'm being selfish. I don't know what else I can do for everyone else. I just want to have a little fun in all this swirling mess. I really need to just get out and be the good kind of crazy. At least I go back to work next week. Hell maybe I should have just said schedule me. Let mom figure it out how to make me feel guilty about working during the week. No not a good idea. Then she will just drive me further crazy.
What a viscious cycle!
But she is the reason why I am putting Mae on the back burner. Monday was their birthdays. I wanted to take treats to her class and have lunch then, but I had to drive to get my Uncle from the airport. 4 hours roundtrip. Then I had to stay with Grandpa, not complaining, so that ruled out Tuesday. Well I was going to do it today, but my mom told the bed place it was ok to come today. Doesn't matter that I wanted to do Mae today. So I said I'd do it tomorrow. Only way I can do tomorrow is if Grandpa has a good night tonight. Because I have to stay with grandpa tonight because if he goes to the nursing home mom will be there and it would mean two nights up for her. Um hellllo!!! I was all freaking drugged on Saturday when I checked out of the psych unit(partly because of "my responsibilities" that she reminded me of) and I spent the night with him.
We got into it! I have had like 2 nights since all of this that were for me. To do something I wanted to do, or nothing at all. I am not counting the 36 hours in the psych because even if I hadnt gone I wouldnt have been able to help anyone because of the state i was in. I don't like the feeling of neglecting Mae.
I don't like feeling I'm neglecting my grandpa. I just can't get a break. Mom talks to me like I havn't done anything and I'm so ungreatful when I say that I want to do something for me and something with Mae. I yelled at her that I have done just as much as her! If not more since I'm the one with the image of my grandpa helpless on the fucking floor!
My friend told me today that she was talking to another friend of ours about me. She said it was like he didn't know me. Didn't know that I take on everything! I do take on everything. But I can only take so much. I'm really really looking forward to having someone to talk to. Someone who is paid to listen to me and to help me figure things out.
I don't think I'm being selfish. I don't know what else I can do for everyone else. I just want to have a little fun in all this swirling mess. I really need to just get out and be the good kind of crazy. At least I go back to work next week. Hell maybe I should have just said schedule me. Let mom figure it out how to make me feel guilty about working during the week. No not a good idea. Then she will just drive me further crazy.
What a viscious cycle!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
The trip through hell continues. Yesterday my mom tried to suggest that I do two nights in a row with grandpa. Yesterday I did a 4 hour drive to pick up and bring back my Uncle from the airport. My grandpa has problems at night right now and is a lot of work.
I don't mean a lot of work as in I'm bitching. But two nights in a row with grandpa right now isn't a good thing, for me at least. He changes at night. It's like an alzheimers patient. We do good(ish) during the day and then at night the fun begins.
His hands go, legs go, gets combative, angry, mean, funny, loving, storyteller, all these things. It's a mental and physical struggle with him. It's not his fault, I'm not angry with him, I won't not take care of him. I'd just prefer to not do 2 nights in a row because I've found out if I don't recharge then I creep toward the edge, and the edge sucks lol.
Last night I had to explain to him the concept of the foley, fun! Mom left instructions for no haldol unless she approved it. I CALLED MY MOTHER!! I've spent a lot of time with Grandpa since he's been in the hospital. I've been through almost as much, if not as much as my mom has with this. I have watched his behavior. At night around 10 we start to lose him. Like literally it seems like we start to lose him.
The last few nights he's had a fever start. Then we give him haldol to help him rest and relax from the restless leg syndrome and whatever is going on with the night thing, and his breathing gets worse. He will wave his hands and fight to get out of bed if not medicated. Thank you mom for saying yes when we called!
He doesn't sleep much. Or if he does it's not good sleep. It's like he is fighting sleep and I don't know why. Luckily there is enough of my Grandpa in there that you can make the best of the situation...if your not doing your best not to break his arm from having to hold him.
Mom called me a little bit ago, which is why I'm blogging, to tell me my Uncle had called her to tell her that it had started. It started earlier tonight. He has a fever and took the tylenol. Now though he is refusing to take anything else. They are going to give him the shot of haldol. I'm glad that our night was fairly easy after he was given it last night and didn't fight us on it.
I have no idea what's going on. I have no idea about anything really. I wish I could get the answer but I know there are only two possible outcomes.
It will be what it will be and like I told my mom tonight. I am going to spend this time with grandpa and just love him. That all I can do is be there and love him because it's what ive got.
I don't mean a lot of work as in I'm bitching. But two nights in a row with grandpa right now isn't a good thing, for me at least. He changes at night. It's like an alzheimers patient. We do good(ish) during the day and then at night the fun begins.
His hands go, legs go, gets combative, angry, mean, funny, loving, storyteller, all these things. It's a mental and physical struggle with him. It's not his fault, I'm not angry with him, I won't not take care of him. I'd just prefer to not do 2 nights in a row because I've found out if I don't recharge then I creep toward the edge, and the edge sucks lol.
Last night I had to explain to him the concept of the foley, fun! Mom left instructions for no haldol unless she approved it. I CALLED MY MOTHER!! I've spent a lot of time with Grandpa since he's been in the hospital. I've been through almost as much, if not as much as my mom has with this. I have watched his behavior. At night around 10 we start to lose him. Like literally it seems like we start to lose him.
The last few nights he's had a fever start. Then we give him haldol to help him rest and relax from the restless leg syndrome and whatever is going on with the night thing, and his breathing gets worse. He will wave his hands and fight to get out of bed if not medicated. Thank you mom for saying yes when we called!
He doesn't sleep much. Or if he does it's not good sleep. It's like he is fighting sleep and I don't know why. Luckily there is enough of my Grandpa in there that you can make the best of the situation...if your not doing your best not to break his arm from having to hold him.
Mom called me a little bit ago, which is why I'm blogging, to tell me my Uncle had called her to tell her that it had started. It started earlier tonight. He has a fever and took the tylenol. Now though he is refusing to take anything else. They are going to give him the shot of haldol. I'm glad that our night was fairly easy after he was given it last night and didn't fight us on it.
I have no idea what's going on. I have no idea about anything really. I wish I could get the answer but I know there are only two possible outcomes.
It will be what it will be and like I told my mom tonight. I am going to spend this time with grandpa and just love him. That all I can do is be there and love him because it's what ive got.
Thank god they finally answered their phone lol. Yayyyy I can stop taking the pill! The lady there said that if it was making me feel like that then definitly stop it.
Back in my wild and crazy 20's i did a whole lot of things that arent good for you and one of them made me feel like this. Um hello I quit for a few reasons but one of them was i really dont like feeling like this lol. I mean if i wanted to feel like this id have found some friends and wed have taken a trip with the street lol.
I just wish that I hadnt taken that morning pill, or maybe its really a good thing that i did so i saw this effect.
Maaaaaaan let me tell you lol....i dont know why i thought this was fun in my 20s lol but in my 30s im not enjoying it lol~
Back in my wild and crazy 20's i did a whole lot of things that arent good for you and one of them made me feel like this. Um hello I quit for a few reasons but one of them was i really dont like feeling like this lol. I mean if i wanted to feel like this id have found some friends and wed have taken a trip with the street lol.
I just wish that I hadnt taken that morning pill, or maybe its really a good thing that i did so i saw this effect.
Maaaaaaan let me tell you lol....i dont know why i thought this was fun in my 20s lol but in my 30s im not enjoying it lol~
Sooo not liking the anti depressant they put me on. Sooo not liking the fact that ive been pawned off to another place who isn't answering the phone during their business hours. Then if they can't help me I call back the place that is pawning me off lol.
What a freaking viscious cycle. I tell you what though, if i dont have an answer by tomorrow mornings dose...I wont be taking it.
Its making me jittery, my heart feels like its racing, i cant key down to sleep, when i do sleep i dont think im sleeping. Thursday Im supposed to start taking a whole pill. Well fuck me, if a half a pill is making me feel this way, whats a whole pill going to do?
Yes, i know your not supposed to stop them, but man i have to sleep! Not sleeping is part of what got me here in the first place.
The upside is ive lost 4 lbs since ive been on it lol. Wonder if that has anything to do with all the jittery heart racing stuff....im pretty sure it does!
God i love modern medicine, but seriously, i cant take this medicine. I know there are other meds out there that wont make me feel like this, but because i have no money i have to go to the sliding fee place. My first therapy appointment is May 25 and then i see a psychiatrist on June 15th.
Seriously lol it just keeps getting better.
My grandpa is still very ill, and at night he sundowns and can turn into a wild man. The haldol theyve been giving seems to help...if you get him early enough. But he isnt sleeping well either. Its crazy its horrible and im pretty sure my mom is next for a lil mental break!
What a freaking viscious cycle. I tell you what though, if i dont have an answer by tomorrow mornings dose...I wont be taking it.
Its making me jittery, my heart feels like its racing, i cant key down to sleep, when i do sleep i dont think im sleeping. Thursday Im supposed to start taking a whole pill. Well fuck me, if a half a pill is making me feel this way, whats a whole pill going to do?
Yes, i know your not supposed to stop them, but man i have to sleep! Not sleeping is part of what got me here in the first place.
The upside is ive lost 4 lbs since ive been on it lol. Wonder if that has anything to do with all the jittery heart racing stuff....im pretty sure it does!
God i love modern medicine, but seriously, i cant take this medicine. I know there are other meds out there that wont make me feel like this, but because i have no money i have to go to the sliding fee place. My first therapy appointment is May 25 and then i see a psychiatrist on June 15th.
Seriously lol it just keeps getting better.
My grandpa is still very ill, and at night he sundowns and can turn into a wild man. The haldol theyve been giving seems to help...if you get him early enough. But he isnt sleeping well either. Its crazy its horrible and im pretty sure my mom is next for a lil mental break!
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