Wednesday came early

Have I mentioned at all that he's a real man? Doesn't hit, doesn't scream, doesn't go ballistic and then comes over so we can talk and try to figure things out. Work things out. Get things back on track. Though I know some people have reading comprehension problems, to those I say go back and get your education.

He came over tonight and we talked, cuddled on the couch, talked about other stuff, untangled a necklace and went over my schedule and found out that with WM we will be able to actually plan things.

I broke the no sex rule lol but that was only after a lot of hugging, couple hours of snuggling on the couch and while trying to say good bye lol we did lots of huggin n kissin lol.

He wasn't going to cuz it would make me feel bad cuz of some other issues we had talked about. Told him this was the exception...make up sex! I have never had make up sex that didn't result from physical violence. And let me tell you what! It was some good fucking sex!

We figured out that it was both our faults for the way I have been feeling and what is actually going on with us. We want to be together. When we are together we dont argue or fight. It's when we go days and weeks without physcially laying eyes on each other that it goes craptastic.

But get us together and we're all good. Hell not only did I miss him Mae missed him. She got up when she heard him and wanted to hug and kiss him. He is doing a good job with her and she got her hug and kiss.

We went over my schedule and we figured out when to see each other, what possible days he can stay over and he may actually get talked to at work because of all the overtime he put in that wasn't approved. I told him I get that you cant pass up 20 bucks n hour but seriously dont answer the phone lol.

The best part of him coming over was being on the couch. Watching tv curled all up on him and just being together. I told him this is what we have to do even if we have to do it with my mom and watch tv. I promised no bridezillas lol.

He loves me, i love him...but i dont know how to make things work when there isnt the threat of physical violence.

I knew he was different when I met him...wish i could quickly get over my issues so we can just enjoy what we have. We went a little overboard with the sex when it first started happening and i let it happen. now we know what we have to do and what we have as expectations.

Can you belive i was going to let a real man, a good man slip through my fingers because I'm not used to being with a real man! Someone slap me...ooo wait he already pulled my hair and gave me sex hair lol i think that counts.

This blog brought to you by the night time meds that make me sleepy and loopy lol...good thing they dont kick in right away lol or makeup sex would have been delayed if it even got off the ground! Did I mention he was hesitant cuz he didn't want me to feel bad...thats a good man!

Wednesday

I'm giving myself til Wednesday to decide if I still have a boyfriend or not. Tonight was just another disappointment and I'm tired of being disappointed.

I know it's wrong of me to feel this way and I know he has to work. It's just a seriously shitty thing whenever we try to get together to do anything his work interfers. Someone can't come in and he loses his day off. Saturday night and the next shift can't make it in on time. He can't leave on time or he loses his job. So I can't expect that and I don't. BUT I can choose to continue on this way or to not.

I do love him, I love how it is when we're together. However, I don't like feeling like I'm an option. I have Mae to think about. I have me to think about. I have a new job that already is paying me more than I was making. I have a schedule that I can plan things around. I want to see him. I don't want an online relationship or a texting relationship.

I'm a grown woman and I want to see my guy. I want to feel my guy. I want to look into my guy's eyes. As it stands right now I havn't physically seen him in almost two weeks. Sure I've texted and talked to him. For me, I don't think it's enough.

We have plans to meet up on Wednesday. I'm seriously betting that it doesn't happen. I'm betting that he gets halfway here again and has to turn around to get ready for work.

Sure I may being unreasonable, but really I'm a girl who has to have contact with my guy. I don't think he's doing anything behind my back which is a first lol, but I just feel like an option and not a girlfriend.

So at the moment I'm in limbo as I try to figure out if I want to try to make this work out, or if I want to say fuck it and just end it. Sadly I don't want to end it, but the no contact except by phone is getting old. I need to see him, be held by him, hold him, feed him all the things that you do in a relationship.

Leave it to me to end a good thing because I'm selfish. But Wednesday will tell.

Sometimes Happy Sucks

I had a fantastic day; well, lunch sucked. It was an easy orientation and I need to get out the pill splitter out and quarter up a few xanex. This is a job that I'm glad I have the option of medicating lol. The orientation lady looked one way at the begining of the day and at the end if I didn't know better I'd think she wasn't a very nice person lol.

OMG lol this has the potential to be fun. Going to suck because it's work but at least I won't be greasy and nasty looking. I can wear different shirts, not just tshirts. I have the option of polos and other shirts that are the correct color. I also will be looking for denim khaki colored pants. If I would have known we could have brown or that color denim lol I'd have been looking for some brown jeans lol. So we all know what I'll be looking for on the clearence rack.

It was also reaffirmed that I'm not a thief. They told us a way that people steal things and I was like wow...never would have thought to do that. Yay for not being a thief lol. Basically everything is common sense at this point. Saturday starts the training portion of our game.

Money! OMG I will have 2 huge(ish) checks. I haven't even seen the rhealm of huge(ish) in over 2 years. Sadly lol I only get about a 75 dollars every two weeks; this is up though from the 58 bucks i did have in that same amount of time. Tips weren' always good but they helped lol. I have my fingers crossed that I don't have to pick up shifts at the sub shop but if I do at least it's weekly money.

As you can probably tell I had a pretty good day. That does not include several margarita's and conversation with friends and my mom. Ooo it was a good day for me. Went to work, drinks after work, kid in the pool, so you think you can dance(do they win anything?), and now a quiet house.

The part of happy that sucks is that the boyfriend has a seriously craptastic day. I have no idea how to get into the right mode to deal with that. I had a great day and Im selfish I want to enjoy my day. I tried to be supportive but i just couldnt do the whole wallow pity thing. Im happy!

So lol his day sucked mine was great and I cant talk to him about it cuz his day sucked lol.

anyways the day has caught up wih me and my bed sounds really good. Ooo Brenda-Dawn: there really is an answer/explanation to the pic text I sent you lol WooooHooooo margaritas and a good work day!

It's Thursday!

Of course I'm up an hour before the alarm is supposed to go off lol but that's ok I can blog, veg out, grab some food, and just chill til I have to get ready for orientation.

Though I must admit yesterday was another epic fail in the epic failness of my life lol. We had plans yesterday. Grill, movies, real popcorn, chill out on the couch together with Mae.

I get a phone call and guess what? Yup he got called into work. Half way here and he gets called into work. I let him vent his heart out and told him I couldn't really say anything because anything i would add would just make the situation worse.

We just want to hang together, hell he's even ok with me saying no sex. Life however keeps conspiring against us to keep us apart. When we were talking yesterday I told him I know you're not ready to move in together and I'm not quite ready but jesus that's begining to look like the only way we will ever get to spend any time together is if we live together.

This sucks here I have this perfectly nice boyfriend and life/work/my attitude is keeping us apart. Soooo tired of it lol.

Hopefully with my new job we will finally be able to spend some time together.

Other than that the day was ok. I pissed off my kid by making her stay outside all day, grilled huge burgers and chicken breasts and had 2 strawberry margaritas, and read a book. Pretty good day until my mom who drives me crazy sometimes came home and wouldnt shut up. I popped a xanex and life was better lol.

Anyways now youre all updated on whats going on in my crazy ass world lol Bring on new work craziness cuz you know Im going to have stories about walmart lol.

Starting with a Rat Bastard

10 minutes ago I was asleep. Sound sound sound asleep. Then the RatBastard Vinnie woke me up. Now it would be one thing if it was the medicated sleep sex thing lol but no Vinnie is the 13lb cat. What the hell he wanted I have no fucking clue but once I'm up it takes me a minute to get back to sleep no matter what unless I'm drunk. And trust me I don't need the drunk lol.

So last Thursday! Let me tell you what! I got home from work and my mom was still up and thats unusual. Well turns out that my dad has decided he isn't coming back to this house ever. Fast forward to about this same time last Thursday my mom is standing in my doorway telling me my dad has decided he's living at the lake and not coming here.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOk wtf is going on? Did my dad just leave my mom...OVER FUCKING MONEY? All because she was upset and needed him to be with her to put my grandpa's house in her name. When it was all said and done he was upset because he thought she thought he was only worth 20%. His kids were getting shafted, my grandpa didnt do this or that, and it was just stupid and wrong. He slept on it and Friday he was back to everything is ok and well mom was hurt and I had picked my side.

What the hell happened to my dad I don't know but him and my mom were not at a good place. But over the weekend it got better and while she's still hurt; he did apologize and explain whatever he was feeling to her.

Good lord and I thought I had fucking issues.

Now lets fast forward to a day that hasn't even happened yet! Thursday of this week! I will be sitting my butt at WallyWorld from 930 to 5 for ORIENTATION!!! I was supposed to go to the boyfriends tonight and not come back til Friday for my eye doctor appointment. But nope now we are changing plans and doing burgers and movie day tomorrow. Seriously everytime we try to get together either I end up having to be talked into going cuz i change my mind lol or he has to work. Now its my turn to have work screw it up lol. Eventually we will get it right.

Please let me get back to ni ni land without too much trouble and if you see a breaking headline about an iowa girl who is in jail for animal abuse/torture dont be surprised if you see a picture of me cuz as much as i love that rat bastard vinnie(pictures on facebook) this waking me up shit has got to stop lol hell i wasnt even getting up to go potty lol but on the other side i was up enough to tell my dad what i told my mom lol. Unplug the digital box, hook up the reg cable and if you have sound then call the cable company cuz its their equipment not yours. Good lord i feel bad for the CSR that gets my mom tomorrow lol.

And damn it ..... i am not putting up lights! I hate putting up the christmas tree, but Mae is a willing volunteer and she takes instruction semi well though i think she'd prefer to hang with Taylor.

Explaining Absent

One of the nice things about ambien is that I still get up to go potty. I don't have to change my sheets the next day because I was so zonked that I didn't get up. Yes with all the side effects they warn about I was concerned about that when I first tried ambien lol. So I think now we will add nighttime blogging to that list lol.

Im one of those people who when they wake up it still takes me a minute to zonk back out, unless of course I'm completly drunk. Tonight I'm just xanexed and ambiened lol and I have enough left in me to blog. When I wake up at about this time, I must confess I become a Dawn stalker. I know when she publishes her blog and lol sometimes I can save it for morning and most times the only reason(when I wake up like this) I get to read it is cuz I just can't save it. I always save Brenda's blog to read last out of all the other shit I read because well hers is one;like Dawns that I look forward to reading. No matter what the content thats just how it is.

Can you see the drugs in effect lol I still haven't gotten to the Title of the blog yet lol, but I'm getting there lol.

If you notice my blog is kind of bipolar. I on the other hand am not. It's been one of the things about me that has had a line drawn through it cuz it's not me. I do however have depression. Depression as we all know; cuz the commercial tells us so, hurts. Sometimes I forget that I have depression and like an addict I don't see my downhill slide into that abyss.

We all know that sleep deprivation can kill; it can also send you to the psych ward(remember 2010 with Grandpa lol) and for me the depression sometimes shows up not only in mood issues, control issues, but sleep issues which fuels the mood and control issues. Control issues I mean of controlling myself and knowing that I'm ok and thankfully prozac has helped with the depression and the multitude of issues that comes with that.

However, with that said, the one thing I don't really see coming until it's too late is lack of sleeping. I find myself up til all hours, my mind doesn't shut off, I can't function in family or societal situations because I'm not sleeping. 2 hour intervals of sleep with an hour or two up, and two hours down...that's not sleep.

When I don't sleep it's like I'm out there functioning but barely holding onto myself. I start to feel out of control, I fight to keep myself grounded and eventually I start to feel crazy as hell. Crazy to the point of my friends are afraid I'm going to kill myself, my mom asks if I need to check myself into the hospital, and my poor Mae she ends up with a mom on the couch who just can't move.

It got to the point(the no sleeping) that I was literally taking handfuls of xanex at night to sleep. While that worked for a little bit, it doesn't last. Thankfully the day I did my Absent post was a therapy day. That poor woman got unloaded on and when I described how out of control I had been feeling, how I just wasn't feeling "right" and was I bipolar, was I this, why was I manic and then down. The answer was actually told to me the day before by another friend of mine. She told me it was anxiety. Well that day I could belive it because I had a massive anxiety attack right as I was supposed to start using the slicer lol.Popped part of a xanex for the anxiety and it took about an hour for me to get back to me.

So when I'm telling everything to my therapist she reassures me that its not any of the multitude of mental illness's I had listed but good old fashioned anxiety topped off with me not sleeping. I wasn't going crazy I wasn't sleeping. Well jeez why does it always take another person to make you see what was right in front of you.

I've been like this before and the lack of sleep makes me nuts. I want to cry, scream, break things, hurt people(not physically), and want to get all the good in my life away from me. My poor boyfriend got a text with good news your gf isnt crazy she just needs a nap.

So Thursday(there was drama there I'll get to that in another blog) came along and my friend brought me an oxycodone and 2 muscle relaxers. I took those and by midnight I was RELAXED, ask dawn i think she got a text lol, and bed called my name. I answered the call. Drama happened 2 hours later(next blog) but I got back to sleep and woke up feeling like myself again. Damn sleep is a good thing. Friday night I took the ambien and got yet another good nights sleep only to have the previously blogged about Saturday drama.

I'm working on getting back to sleeping and sleeping is a good thing. The boyfriend now knows that if I start acting psycho to put my ass to bed lol and if that doesnt work then worry lol. Because seriously sleep deprivation makes you nuts, it can kill you, it can make you think crazy things especially when you already have serious depression.

Im working on the depression, Im doing much better than I was 2 years ago at this time. Which I am greatful for. I have changed patterns and habits in my life and am in a much better place.

Especially when you find out....You're not crazy...you just need a nap! Ahhh my bed here I come!

****this blog brought to you courtesy of ambien and xanex****

Epic Fail

Never let it be said that when I fucke up I do it small. Today was supposed to be orientation for me at WalMart. Instead it ended with me back home within an hour, crying my eyes out, shaking so hard, and having a giant ass anxiety attack. Which in turn led me to 2 xanex and a text to my mommy and daddy asking if I could watch tv in their room.

The one thing I was totally sure of was that my social security card was in my wallet. Either one didn't matter but it was supposed to be in my wallet.

Got to WalMart and was asked for 2 forms of id and wouldn't you know it....no social security card. Every fucking thing else in the free world but no ssc! They can take a reciept from SS but um they aren't open on Saturdays.

So I texted my mom, and did really well and didnt lose it til I was out of the store. Then had to badger my great aunt to see if we were going to church tomorrow lol. She said well if your depressed and i was like maybe i need church if im depressed. Her daughter was in town and we hemmed and hawed and I ended the conversation with sometimes its hard to get an answer and we laughed. Though I must say it was nice to hear how great I look, since my cousin hasnt seen me in a bit and not since Ive lost weight lol. I dont see what others see so I rely on them to tell me Im ok lol and im ok lol.

BUT i did come home, crying my eyes out, cleaning everything out and up and still no ssc. 2 xanex later and a text to my mom asking if i could watch good tv in their room and next thing i know im out. Then im up, then Im out til I had to go to work today. My friend stayed all day and Id fall out and she'd be in bed with me and then id wake up and she was gone, then there, then gone lol.

There is way more in my life to update on but Im going to end this now because the xanex is kicking in lol. BUT i did make enough in tips tonight to buy a bottle of wine, a pack of smokes, and have 2 bucks leftover to light a candle at church tomorrow and give a buck in offering.

So heres to xanex, fake ass mimosa's, good friends, and the end of a craptastic day! Seriously I don't know who I pissed off lol but im hoping to not do it again lol.