It's freaking Monday and I didn't get the memo until about 20 minutes ago! Ok so I knew it was Monday but I didn't think that I would be having a Monday!

The boss scheduled me at 5 today instead of 4 woohoo. Then my mom was staying the night and then she wasn't and now she is. Omen number 1 lol .

My friend/coworker from work stopped over and left me a little cheer only to take that cheer away from me by telling me I get to work with the person I really didn't want to work with! Damn well guess it's Monday.

So pretty soon I'll be headed out in what looks to be gearing up for a winter storm to work til 10 with a witch. Then tomorrow I get to go work during the day and that could be a fun time lol.

Oooo lordy please don't let me have a bad Monday and especially don't let me have a bad Monday that carries over into tomorrow lol. If i have to have a bad day i think wednesday is a good day lol I'm off that day and don't think I have anything going on except to veg out lol.

Today is the 8th month since I've lost my Grandpa. And as my Uncle pointed out it is the first Sunday since we lost him. I didn't want to go to church today. I wanted to stay home and be all sad and mopey and whiney.

I got over myself and got up and got ready for us to go to Church. We were running a few minutes late, but that's ok because we usually get to church about 20 to 30 minutes before service starts lol.

Well I started our morning out as normal; and decided it wasn't a sin to medicate before church because well the xanex hadn't kicked in yet and I needed a crutch lol.

Anyways I get us all ready and then realize its freaking cold outside. I should have started the car up and let it warm up. Instead I drove with my hands freezing and Mae wearing my gloves because IT WAS FREAKING COLD OUTSIDE!

Anyways before we went to church I had a little talk with my wonderful(notice today shes wonderful lol) daughter. I am trying to figure out ways to get her to figure out church. Isuck at it but I'm trying. The first thing I've tried to teach her is what you do with the holy water and making the sign of the cross. She has that one almost down! Then while I was talking to her I had her recite the Lords Prayer with me and told her we would be saying that at church later. I also told her that it's been 8 months since we lost Grandpa and I was very sad and that she should be a very very good girl in church today.

Miracles never cease with that girl. She was again better behaved. Though I have to remind her next week that she needs to try to sit a bit quieter because her Aunt and Aunt's Friend are trying to listen too.

BUT the strangest/happiest/saddest/definitly pushed the tears over the edge during church today happened. After I got us settled into the pew I happened to look down and the guy sitting next to me had on Grandpa's shoes.

I'll post a picture someday of the shoes so you have an idea what I'm talking about...kinda like wingtips i think. But anyways I looked down and there was this set of shoes that looked,other than color, just like his shoes.

I looked over at the man and he reminded me so much of Grandpa. Same color hair, looking like it needed a cut, same skin color and about the same size. It floored me. I kept staring at this poor man out of the corner of my eyes the whole time. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't just my mind making me see things. I told my Aunt after church and she said all except the glass the guy was wearing and that she had a similar experience once after her husband passed at church.

Something new to me at church is holding hands before the giving the sign of peace. Today I held that man's hand, and my Aunt's hand and I cried while doing our recitation.

One of the benefits of losing over 20lbs is that it is seriously way easier to kneel now. I actually fit lol. I knelt and prayed for those that needed it, i prayed for my family, and i prayed a little for myself, and then I talked to Grandpa. Told him thank you for sending someone today of all days and that while i still felt like crap, that part made me cry and I was at peace for a moment.

Making it even funnier this man left the same time Grandpa used to leave lol. Right after communion.

I texted in church my mom, uncle and sister. Yea i know but church hadnt started yet. I got my texts after church and my Uncle had sent one and said to say a prayer. Trust me, I prayed and prayed.

So today instead of doing what I'm supposed to do; I'm going to let it fall where it may. What gets done gets done, what doesn't...well there is always tomorrow!

I literally have like 5 minutes before I have to be out the door and headed to work. BUT I just wanted to stop here real quick and make sure that I have written proof that I woke up in a good mood, that the day wasn't shitty, and that life is as good as its going to get.

Yes yesterday I had a really crap day, sort of, I'll blog later about that.

But it really sucks to pick up your voicemail before you go into work and find out one of your coworkers is in a really fucked up mood AGAIN! And then on top of all that the person in a bad mood is one of those people who can suck you into their bad mood and drama.

I'm so glad I vented to my other coworker, boss, and best friend last night because I just knew that this other person would be a problem if I mentioned it at work today. I told my friend just go with whatever lie I tell lol. And then I have to remember the lie lol. You'll understand when I blog later.

Anyways...I'm taking my medicated ;) ass into work and I will have a good day! The only thing I want to happen today is for the tip money to be as good as it was yesterday because another two days like that and I will have a car with a full tank of gas!

Here's hoping that I don't have to xanex out at work today!

I have to be at work at 11 today and I'm on my way to a mini nap! But I figured I'd get out my grrrr before heading for that mini lol.

Mae is a thief and a liar. She's 4, they all are! Ive found so much stuff hidden under her pillows its unreal. Orange peels, bottle tops, deodarent...and yesterday was my perfume.

Today she woke up 2 hours before the damned alarm went off. She got in bed with me but after 5 minutes I had to send her to her room because she wouldnt shut up.

I get up and go in her room and once again its smelling pretty. Where the hell is my perfume? I moved it last night and guess what?

Yup she had BOTH of them this time. I have one bottle that I got about 2 years ago and I use it sparingly and my mom bought me some shimmer stuff. That is now half gone! Thank you Mae.

This resulted in a spanking and the jail talk. Yes I use scare tactics with my kid! She knows what jail is, shes watched tv. She doesn't want to go.

I told her that if she keeps stealing stuff and lying about it she will go to jail. Someone will call the police and they will come and get her for stealing.

Yea she wasn't happy about that. So lets see where this one gets us!

It's Tuesday thank god or I'd think it was Monday again lol. Let the fun begin!

Well my attempt to be a lazy ass was thwarted today by some kind of clean gene I've inherited from god only knows where!

With today being the first day back at school I had planned on napping, watching tv, and sitting on my fat ass for FOUR whole hours today.

That did not happen! First I got Mae up at 8 and by the time we left for school at 830 I had the bathroom clean, the floors swept, vaccumed and then thought whewww I can come home and veg out.

Did I mention the fact that all of Mae's Christmas presents are still in the trunk of the car? Yea I didn't want to bring them in while her room was a complete disaster area. So again I was thwarted from my tv watching by Mae's room.

I went in and got almost a full garbage bag of junk, broken toys, and McDonalds toys out of her room. Though I'll be damned I didn't find two of the bones for her Red Rover game. The one toy she got to bring in and its missing pieces already joy o joy!

So then I got to sit down for about a half hour! Where did my morning go? oh yea I wasn't a lazy bitch lol I got down to business. Hell I even loaded the damned dishwasher and made a new pitcher of Kool Aid lol.

I did however lay down the new rules to Mae. Told her that since Mommy has to clean the rest of the house her new clean room was her responsibility to clean. That she will do it every night before bed or there will be consequences. Then I made her go into the living room and put all the puzzles together because I cleaned the room I wasn't doing the puzzles lol.

But before all of that happened...we had a Doctors appointment.

I asked him about sensory integration disorder because my first cousin has a child with it and when she looks at Mae's pictures and videos she recognizes some of the things in her daughter in mine. Well at this time we aren't going to do anything about it because it would be a referrel to Iowa City hospitals for her to be evaluated.

With the Pica back and the defience and mouthiness that is now happening her Concerta for the Adhd has been upped.

And we added a new medicine! One for anxiety! My four year old girl has anxiety that needs medication. What the hell!

So now I'm all worried again about what the hell is going on in my kids life. I even had a moment where I almost called her dad. Then I realized hell no unless something life threatening is going on I am not opening any kind of contact with him! Besides there isnt anything he can do except bluster and blow smoke.

THEN I find out I might get to go to days for a little bit. But oh wait Im a horrible employee who doesnt deserve it because i talk to the customers too much, i talk to my coworkers to much, and ONE fucking time i said something about a workplace policy while we had a customer. Ooooo I'm sooo horrible! Fuck you man Ive been one of your best employees for almost 2 years and only took extended time off when my grandpa was sick and dying!

It has been one hell of a Monday. I'm pretty glad that I started my day off with a xanex chaser for my prozax lol. Yay for Mondays!

Did I happen to mention that I faked it through the holidays? Yup, I faked my way through it. It's pretty much now starting to catch up with me and all the sadness and crying that I held in during the holiday is working its way out.

I had genuine moments and time of happiness, joy, and fun; but it was work. Kind of like the day and day after Grandpa died it was a day full of adult diversions, drinking, xanex, and smoking outside on the porch where I got to just chill out. It kind of sucked though because I ended up doing a lot more smoking then usual lol. My Dad even commented about me smoking, usually he doesn't say anything. So obviously my smoking pattern was changed and noticable.

I got to see the kids and harrass them. I got squeezes and hugs from my Ella and Logan eventually came over and sat next to me. After of course I got my mandatory Aunt hugs from him lol. In my opinion that kid loves me but doesnt want me to know it because he wants my time and attention but when he wants it. Cuz he came up and took pictures with me and let me love on him. I think I feel about him what I do so strongly because I was there when he was born. I literally saw him come into the world. I love my nieces just as much but there is just a bit of difference in the love.

I was expecting to see a fat baby Myah but nope that girl has either gotten taller or has slimmed down because she was heavy but not fat heavy. She pretends she doesn't like me too lol like her brother. But then I start doing something and you can see her smile and then if you look at her she puts the frowny face back on. My friend Brigittes kid is like that with me too. I love it because you know they only do shit like that with people they really like. If they didnt like it they wouldnt do the things they do to demand attention...kinda like Mae lol.

New Years Eve was the most fun I've had in awhile. I needed that night and the fun I had. It's been a long winter break at my house and then you have all the negativity that seemed to invade facebook and online the last week or so and I couldn't take it. I have been forcing myself to not be a big ass baby online and with other people. Damn right I enjoyed my NYE out!

The next day kind of sucked lol, it's a big blur of napping, watching Mae, letting her watch movies, my dad telling me he'd be back and then finally we got to today.

I took my table back because it was begining to look like hell. I'm working on cleaning; it can wait another 24 hours it won't kill anyone.

So now I've got Mae in bed since it's a school night and I'm all alone with just my thoughts and the overwhelming sadness of missing my Grandpa. I'm not doing horrible in the crying department. I'll cry a little bit but then I stop because well I don't know why; maybe I'm saving it up for a big huge meltdown lol.

Today we went to church with my Aunt and she gave me two pictures for my mom. One of them was of my Grandma who died when my mom was 18 months old and the other was my Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Gumi, and we think a baby Uncle Larry and I took pictures and put them on facebook. They have gotten a lot of comments and it just makes me so sad to not have that Man sitting next to me.

I made it through the holidays. Now to do the actual work of dealing with the emotions behind it. To find a way to tell my mom I need to be left alone for a little while to deal with it and not have to worry that whatever place I'm in at that moment isn't misconstrued as towards her. I need to just deal and I'm doing that now.

It's just like I'm back to the begining, but not really but it's almost like that. I didn't even break down, a tear slipped, but i didnt break down when we had Grandpa say grace this year via video. I will now, but I didn't then.

I don't even want to think about how many years it will take for me to totally enjoy the holiday again. Thank God for NYE because that one isn't associated with Grandpa. He was always with a girlfriend, and we maybe had dinner with him some nights. But this is the one holiday that is different. So I'm not going to feel bad, I'm just going to miss my Grandpa.

Damn I miss him!

As usual I sit here procrastinating. I NEED to clean the house. I really do. Not the ocd, obsessive compulsive cleaning me, just the regular damn the house needs to be cleaned.

The problem is that I'm feeling particularly lazy today. Also factoring into my not wanting to clean is the fact that I still don't have my kitchen all the way back.

I did however "take back" my kitchen table today. It was piled with all kinds of shit because of the kitchen work going on. Let me tell you what! The house hasn't been this dirty in a long time.

I am starting to feel like a hoarder. Hell my kitchen table was begining to look like a hoarders table. I have been doing soooo good about housekeeping since that time my friend came and helped me clean the house, what about a year ago or something like that. It was horrible!

My Dad and Uncle got the kitchen sink and everything put back in yesterday and today I put all the stuff under the sink that goes under the damn sink. I took back my table!!

BUT I just don't feel like doing anything else lol. I think if anything gets done today it will be the vaccuming because the floor needs to be vaccumed. Its just knowing that even after cleaning the house its going to look like shit because of the stupid kitchen.

So I'm procrastinating with a very good "reason" to take it easy one more day lol. Yes, sadly, I have a "reason" all ready for tomorrow too if it doesn't get done lol.

Only one problem...I've kept the house so clean that I can tell when it's dirty and it bothers me lol so I can only procrastinate so long before ocd sets in and I'm on a tear lol.

If that didn't have you laughing this one surely will! Last week I was screwed up with when NYE was and I was talking to my cousin who's mom I go to church with and was like shit im going to have to call your mom about church, then realized oh wait nye is friday lol. Then yesterday i wake up at quarter after nine and went nuts for a minute thinking i was late for church and would have to call my Aunt lol...yea she laughed when I told her lol. But I made it to church today, Mae behaved, and My Aunt, Mae, and I are all having steak and twice baked potatoes for supper tonight lol.

We went to the store after church and we were looking at the meat case and we both got the same stuff for supper lol. Ooo I tell ya what lol.

Anyways...I think I hear the tv calling my name lol and I'm going to answer that call! Here's to all the lazy bitches lol