I am not a bad mother. I know this inside I really do. But every day I'm being hurt by Mae.

For some reason she doesn't like me, she hates me, she doesn't want me, she wants a new family, a new mom, and it's really begining to hurt.

I know I shouldn't let a 4 yr old hurt me, but seriously EVERY DAY I hear those things from her mouth.

If I was an abusive parent I could understand why she says these things. BUT I am NOT!

I love her more than life itself. I do everything I can for her. I give her everything I can and even strive for what I can't. Hell I don't even make food that she won't eat. Though god knows I'd love to make say liver and onions, but I don't because I know she won't like it.

I don't know what the problem is but I'm ready for it to stop. If she was a teenager I would say this is completly normal. But what 4 yr old doesn't want their mom? What 4 yr old tells their mom they hate them?

I don't know how to make it not hurt and I don't know how to make her stop. Every time she says this I tell her how she shouldn't say it because its disrespectful, hurtful, and hateful. Again how do you reason with a 4 yr old?

I don't know, I just know that it sucks being me some days and I don't know what to do in this situation except do what I always do. Love her. Hug her. Squeeze her. Tell her I love her. And do my best not to show how much it really does hurt to have a child you love and care for tell you they hate you and that you're not her mommy.

Well it looks like karma has me again this time. I am a worthless parent and my child is the first indicator of how horrible a parent I really am! Thank you karma for showing me what everyone else seems to already have figured out!

Another one to make you laugh! I do try so hard to amuse people lol.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. I tend to use the basement to store my clothes. All unfolded and hung up of course lol. By the time the towels make it upstairs it's time to do another load. Yes the towels come upstairs one at a time lol. I really need to do something with the clothes lol.

So like usual I shower and get ready for work. Make the trek downstairs to get clothes out of the dryer this time. It was a laundry day lol. And I'm yakking away with my mom and I think I must have registered something out of the corner of my eye and I stepped over the drain hole.

And then shrieked as I realized that WE HAVE FROGS! We have a 2nd frog in the basement. I am assuming this is a new one lol. First one was when we got the new cable. The guy said you have a friend. Then today is an even bigger frog! Aughhh! Scared the piss outta me it did!

Mom is like get it out get it out. HELL NO! I am not touching the frog! As I watch it hop away and mom is still telling me to get it out lol. I guess I'll have to ask my friend to bring her son along next time she watches Mae and have him go frog hunting in the basement. He's a boy nothing more needs to be said lol.

So if you follow me on facebook now you know what we have frogs mean lol. Hope it entertained you! Ahhh 6 hours of work then 96+ work free hours! I can't wait! Maybe I should see about a tiny bottle of tequila lol

When things are good they're good. When things are bad they're bad. When they happen, I blog! Here I am again lol with a new story! I love when I can share stories!

As I mentioned in the previous blog we had a home visit scheduled for today. We had an awesome home visit, if I do say so myself!

Two of her teachers came over and they pulled out there assessment form. Preschool through the school system and headstart both do A LOT of assessments on the children. Today's assessment was to see how many of the upper and lower case letters Mae knows.

Let me tell you something lol! Mae has known her letters since sometime last year. She can sing the alphabet song and she can recognize letters when shown them on a card or pointed out to her. She also knows how to spell her name. Today she even surprised the teachers and me!

When they were going through the letters they came to R and the teacher said your name starts with that. She knows that already btw is what I wanted to say, but you can't brag too much lol. Then they came to the letter N and Mae says I know who's name starts with that. My friend Noah! My jaw dropped, the teachers jaw dropped. I didn't know she knew that Noah started with an N! That is a good sign, a VERY good sign!

She only missed a couple letters and I know why. It's because of how they are written. Written letters look different according to whoever wrote them or who printed them. It's like font ya know. The goal for the school system is that by the end of the year or half way through that every child knows and recognizes 20 letters. Yea um Mae is way way way past that lol.

This year she will start learning to write her letters. I also asked when she would start learning to read. I am a HUGE reader! I love books like I love my family. She told me that first grade is when they want them reading. Not like the first day but definitly by the end of the year. Last year she said they had like 4 kids who could read by the end of the year. Well the begining reading. AND she thinks that Mae will definitly be reading by kindergarten or shortly after.

I told Mae that when she learns to read she can check out books at the library. The teacher told her she could read to me. Mae said Noooo my mama reads to me. Yeah we laughed lol.

The teacher said she is making friends, is learning that she doesn't get to have her way and it only takes one redirection to get her going. It's not even a full week of preschool yet and Mae is already on the road to success!

Yayyyy the hard work Mae and I put in last year is showing and it stuck! Yayyyy! Thank god the easy parts come first lol.

Tequila....sooo not a friend of mine lol. I learned that a long long time ago. But last night there was some tequila involved lol.

Since I had to work Monday we did margaritas last night. This time Paula brought all the stuff, since I had to work til 5, it was just easier to give her my share and have her pick it up.

Personally I am straight with the margaritas without the extra added alcohol. Though they do taste pretty nice with it added lol.

I just don't like the after effects lol. Thankfully she only bought a little bottle so you had to almost measure it so you had enough for the bottle. THANK GOD! lol two of my girlfriends really like tequila. I like margaritas and that's it lol. I don't do shots, I don't do tequila sunrises, it's margaritas only lol no extra shots!

I've had a pretty shit week for only working 4 days this week. When half your week is shit you just really want to unwind lol. Last night we did that! Hell it was sooo funny because we were sitting there and here comes my cousin dropping something off. Then here comes one of my other friends who said she couldn't come.

It was a very nice gathering. LOL ok so it was a very loud, crazy, laugh filled gathering lol. The kids all played together. The only thing is I think the medicine Mae is on makes her just want to chill. She doesn't want to go out and play, she wants to just sit around. Soooooo bad mama that I am lol bullied and pushed her out the damned door to play with the kids. Yea she hated it, but so what, fresh air wins everytime lol.

The worst part about Margarita Day is the next day clean up lol. But I did it. Got up this morning and cleaned the house. Again I was not Mae's favorite person! I am sooo sick and tired of being the one to pick her toys up. Sick and tired I tell you!

So this morning I made her pick up all her toys, and some of the papers that were laying in the living room. Maaaaaan you would have thought I was the worst person ever the way she was looking at me. When I told her don't you like it when mom makes the house look pretty. She said no. Ooooo hell no lol, I said doesn't the kitchen look nice all clean....then she changed her tune lol. My girl is a trip!

This weekend is my mom and dad's anniversary. 27 years of marriage! Soooooo I call about ordering a cake. I'm hoping that it will look nice because I don't have time to stop at the store and order one and I'm just hoping lol. I'm talking to the lady and she is telling me that the cake my mom ordered for Katie's party THEY DONT DO THERE! I'm freaking out. I wanted my cake to be a surprise but oh no something comes along and you have to tell lol. BUT I should know better, mom already has it under control lol.

This is a big month for celebrations. Because!!!! 16 more days and it's my BIRTHDAY!! I'm going to be 35 and I'm planning a party! It's going to be a big Mexican Fiesta! Mexican food, margaritas, and a pinata for the kids!

It's going to be a whole lot of work but I have my friend Tammy helping me cook. Now I just have to see if I get the friday off too. Cuz lord knows I have a ton of cooking to do lol.

Life is moving along and I'm rolling with it. Still looking for work, but I think I'm going to go apply for a waitress position at the Pizza Ranch they are building. At least the money would be better, and they are hiring for day shifts right now. Sooo tomorrow hopefully I will be able to get out there to do that.

Tonight is shift 4 of the week! That means tomorrow begins my 4 days off! I am sooooo excited to have so many days off in a row! It's like a mini vacation lol. I had totally forgotten that I asked for Friday along with Saturday off. I am soooo glad I did that now lol.

Well we have a home visit from headstart here in a bit. It's the one where they talk about the school goals and how they hope your child will do good. I can't wait to see the progress reports in future visits! I'm pretty sure, like Katie, Mae got her brains from good ol mama lol.

Have a great weekend everyone! Now who hid that tequila bottle lol.

Let's talk something pleasant now that I've gotten all the crap out of the way!

Last week Mae started her 2nd year of headstart and is now in the preschool program I guess is how it's termed.

Ahhh I am soo happy that she is back in school lol. It gives both of us a break from each other, she gets to make new friends, learn to deal with getting a new set of teachers, and she should be learning!

She was sooo excited to go to school. She got out of the car and ran inside and was just happy as could be!

This year I can tell is already different. Last year she wouldn't tell me what they did during the day. This time though...ooo it was great! She told me what was for lunch, and who her teachers were, and even sang me the song they are learning!

It's hard to believe that next year will begin the real school and everything she has learned in her 2 years of headstart will start to show up. I'm glad that she can go and get this great opportunity to get a bit of a headstart on her education. I know that headstart is a great program and it really does give these kids an advantage when they get to regular school.

Tomorrow is her first day off and her teachers will be coming here for a home visit. Then she has school on Friday and then we are off to the lake to celebrate!

We are celebrating mom and dad's anniversary, Katie's 16th birthday, and will be enjoying the new baby nephew.

It's been a hard year for us, but we are still going. We have trouble staying going, and not wallowing, but we are doing it the best we can.

I just hope Grandpa decided to take a peek at us on the first day of school instead of visiting with all those in heaven with him. Because he would be so proud of his girl! There is a picture I took of Mae on her way into school and she has her hand out...it makes me think that maybe just maybe there was a little bit of Grandpa with her on the way into school.

Ahhhhh sweet sweet memories!

The kids dad just keeps growing in his assholedom. He is just the biggest piece of shit and he sickens me.

I asked if he could contribute to Mae's school clothes. He said yes and said we would get a hundred dollars. Well guess what? The asshole only sent my mom a check for 50 bucks.

I spent a hundred dollars, my mom spent on her charge a little more than a hundred dollars. She was going to eat the little more part because she was SUPPOSED to be getting a hundred from him. Yea guess we should have waited to buy the clothes until we actually had the money.

He just keeps giving us reasons to hate him and to see what a piece of shit he really is.

I don't make a lot of money. But what I do make I use for Mae along with child support. When you agree to an amount you should at least give that amount!

It's soo funny how much he cares and loves and wants whats best for her, but he can't live up to a commitment he made!

It's ok though because her mom and grandma are busy picking up all the slack he left because he has no control over himself or what he does.

Thank god! Thank GOD that she doesn't have to be witness to his bullshit and the insecurity that haunts him. I should have known that there were reasons why he was kicked out of his other kid's life. Well at least he was used to it before I came around.

Don't fuck with the mama's! We don't appreciate our kids being fucked over, especially by their other parent!

Fortunatly for me, I've gotten pretty good at seeing him as dead! He emails, I delete. Thankfully his ass is smart enough not to call because those would go ignored as well. Thankfully we have enough men in the family to make sure there are positive male role models for Mae that show responsibility.

God, why did i have to pick such a lying manipulative loser for her dad? Oh yea...cuz thats what women do lol

Sorry Brenda, BUT...Me Time! I have found my me time! This is the first day of school that I have nothing to do until it's time to pick up Mae.

Oh sure I could be cleaning the house, which I need to do. But I'm going to take some time and just enjoy being alone. Able to watch what I want on tv. Not having to share my soda, remote, or food.

I did at least start last nights dishes so after me time they will get done lol. But 4 whole hours of nothing but what I want to do. Ooo I have been waiting for some down time. Working at 4 pm or 5pm is nice. You get the day to do what you need to do. BUT I've had all summer with Mae and I'm ready for a moment alone lol. If you follow me on facebook; besides always waiting for Margarita Monday lol, my posts are always about freakin cleaning. Well a lot of them are lol.

I clean the house so much that my friend who let her house go for a couple weeks and let her husband "clean" it told me yesterday my house is cleaner than hers. I was at her house it wasn't dirty it was just man cleaned up lol.

Taking a day off of cleaning is a really bad thing, but i think that exceptions should be made lol. Since I have to work tonight we are doing Margarita Wednesday. So the housework needs to be done today. Ive been using my day off to do the deep cleaning, but everyday im doing something.

So I am going to enjoy the next couple hours and just breathe and relax. Yea I'm a lazy shit! lol