As you know Monday is Margarita Monday at my house. About 4 of us get together and just have girl talk and girl time.
We laugh and shout, and in general drive the neighbors crazy lol. We drink either lime or strawberry margaritas and I put out a bowl of snacks. Sometimes it's real nice and other times it's hot. No matter what we all have a good time.
So one of my friends I've been picking up her daughter from school and dropping her at daycare. So she asks me how much I want for gas for driving her daughter.
I'm serious when I say I don't want anything she offers me 20 bucks. Is that taking advantage of a situation. I'd love to have the 20 bucks but it just seems excessive for doing a friend a favor.
I don't know, just feels wrong to take that kind of money.
Ohhh and thanks to Mae mama had to mop the damn floor today...i hate when they don't make it to the potty lol. Thank god it's tile!
Monday, August 23, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Mae misses her Grandpa. Today she made me cry with talking about him.
She knows he is in heaven. I told her that one day we would see him again. That when we did he would be waiting there for us to tell us how much he loves us and how proud he is of us.
She then told me she wanted to see him again. She wanted to see him one last time. I told her we can't baby and she said yes we can. We can see him in his casket. How heartbreaking for me to have to tell her we can't because he is buried.
But she is so sweet, when she started talking I began to cry. She said are you sad mama, I said yes baby. She said I am too.
I keep thinking how easy it has to be to be 4 years old and go through this. But obviously it's not as easy as I think it is.
I wish there was a way for me to help her, but there isn't. I just have to keep telling her what I've told her.
We miss Grandpa very much and love him. And like my beautiful daughter I wish we could see him once last time. I wish I could hold him and never let go. I wish I would have known how little time we had left. I wish I would have actually crawled into that bed with him like I wanted to.
I don't think we are ever going to get over it. I don't care that people say you go on. Yes, I know we will go on. But I'm never going to be able to be ok about it. I know we had him a great long time and it is some comfort to know that we are the ones who kept him alive as long as he was. The Dr told mom that. That our hypervigilence was probably what kept him going. But the body can only go on for so long. His chronilogical age may have been almost 90 but that doesn't mean that his insides were that old. They could have been older and because of our love for that man we kept him going.
I love him, I miss him and I still can't see the up...but some days are better than others. Right this moment though, Im a big baby and the tears just come and come and come.
I love you Grandpa! I love you so much that I have nightmares of you calling me like you did the first time we took you to the hospital. I have had a couple good dreams but the nightmares are more frequent. I'm taking care of your yard as best I can, I wish I would have gone to church with you, I wish I would have made you show me how to cut the grass. I wish I wish I wish...but I know you loved me and I loved you and will never ever stop.
It's so hard because he was the center of our world. He was the light in any darkness. Thank you and damn you for making us love you so much! Maybe it wouldn't be so damned hard if we didn't love you and bask in your love.
God, I'm pathetic!
She knows he is in heaven. I told her that one day we would see him again. That when we did he would be waiting there for us to tell us how much he loves us and how proud he is of us.
She then told me she wanted to see him again. She wanted to see him one last time. I told her we can't baby and she said yes we can. We can see him in his casket. How heartbreaking for me to have to tell her we can't because he is buried.
But she is so sweet, when she started talking I began to cry. She said are you sad mama, I said yes baby. She said I am too.
I keep thinking how easy it has to be to be 4 years old and go through this. But obviously it's not as easy as I think it is.
I wish there was a way for me to help her, but there isn't. I just have to keep telling her what I've told her.
We miss Grandpa very much and love him. And like my beautiful daughter I wish we could see him once last time. I wish I could hold him and never let go. I wish I would have known how little time we had left. I wish I would have actually crawled into that bed with him like I wanted to.
I don't think we are ever going to get over it. I don't care that people say you go on. Yes, I know we will go on. But I'm never going to be able to be ok about it. I know we had him a great long time and it is some comfort to know that we are the ones who kept him alive as long as he was. The Dr told mom that. That our hypervigilence was probably what kept him going. But the body can only go on for so long. His chronilogical age may have been almost 90 but that doesn't mean that his insides were that old. They could have been older and because of our love for that man we kept him going.
I love him, I miss him and I still can't see the up...but some days are better than others. Right this moment though, Im a big baby and the tears just come and come and come.
I love you Grandpa! I love you so much that I have nightmares of you calling me like you did the first time we took you to the hospital. I have had a couple good dreams but the nightmares are more frequent. I'm taking care of your yard as best I can, I wish I would have gone to church with you, I wish I would have made you show me how to cut the grass. I wish I wish I wish...but I know you loved me and I loved you and will never ever stop.
It's so hard because he was the center of our world. He was the light in any darkness. Thank you and damn you for making us love you so much! Maybe it wouldn't be so damned hard if we didn't love you and bask in your love.
God, I'm pathetic!
I watched a 20/20 show on WE tonight and it scared the crap out of me. It also makes me realize that even though it may seem wrong at times, keeping a child away from the other parent is a good thing.
This 20/20 was about a woman who married a violent man. He lied to her about the level of violence he had achieved. Hmmm, sound like anyone I know? He told her that all he did was slap his ex wife.
Turns out that he did more than that. A broken nose, and kicked her unconcsious at a school.
She hadn't seen that side of him until after she was already married to him. It never went to actual physical violence against her. It was emotional and verbal abuse. I heard part of a message he left for her. Hmmm, it sounded eerily familiar of things that have been said to me.
She finally got up enough courage to get a divorce and leave him. However, the kids were allowed to go visit him. Even after he violated his probration he was still allowed to see them.
Christmas he took the children and she waved good bye to them.
SHE NEVER THOUGHT THE ABUSE SHE SUFFERED WOULD BEFALL HER CHILDREN.
He called her a bit later and told her one of the kids wanted to talk to her. The little girl asked her why she wanted the dad put in jail and then she hears the other child begging her father not to do it. POP POP POP.
Both chidren dead by the man SHE NEVER THOUGHT WOULD HURT THE KIDS.
Parts of her story sounded so similar to the things I have had to go through with the kids dad. I have my trials with Mae. I have days where I just wish she would sew her own lips shut. Days where Mae and I are both lucky to have made it through the day and at the end of it all hug and kiss and be told I'm the best mom ever.
I am not prepared to risk her life. Do I think he would hurt her? Like the mother from the story, my answer would be no. But I have been threatend too many times with maybe you will get her back, no i wont give her back, to many times of him calling me nasty dirty names to her face to take that chance any longer. Do I miss having a big break from Mae? Yes I do. But would I rather face all the trials we do and still have her at the end of the day...overwelmingly yes!
It's sad when the other people in our lives have to agree with me. I can no longer subject Mae to the games he plays, the threats he makes, the abuse he still doles out when he well I don't know why he does it.
My friend said...if she ever does get to go back over there I'm going to have to take her aren't I? I told her yup, BUT the bad thing is you have to deal with him. You will have to figure out how much to charge him for gas and it will be on you. Guess what? She may change her mind and not do it. Why? Because noone wants to deal with a psycho.
I was talking to mom today and told her look we may have Margarita Monday but that is one day out of 7 that I have her. We drink responsibily, we don't over indulge, and we smoke outside. The house is clean, we don't put the drinking over her, and she is getting to an age where she repeats what goes on over there. I don't want to hear anymore about Coop and daddy drinking beer. And I don't have to find out that he had a sex offender over there. If that's going on...what else is that I dont know about.
I'm really glad I saw that show because it just reinforces that I am doing the best I can for Mae. It's my job to keep her safe and I take it seriously.
AND...I may have lost my free weekends, but school is starting soon and that means every day I will be Mae free for over 4 hours. We will be getting the break we need from each other. And I know that all over the world summer vacation is the worst time for parents and kids. We all get on each others nerves and take each other for granted.
Mae and I are starting our life together. Free from drama and bullshit that come from a mentally unstable man. It will just be another thing I have to explain to a kid. Lucky for me I have enough witness's to the story to back it up, plus truth is a powerful thing.
And if you follow me on facebook you know that the best times of the day are the new thing she is doing. Coming up to me, throwing her arms around me, and telling me I love you, your the best mama ever!
This 20/20 was about a woman who married a violent man. He lied to her about the level of violence he had achieved. Hmmm, sound like anyone I know? He told her that all he did was slap his ex wife.
Turns out that he did more than that. A broken nose, and kicked her unconcsious at a school.
She hadn't seen that side of him until after she was already married to him. It never went to actual physical violence against her. It was emotional and verbal abuse. I heard part of a message he left for her. Hmmm, it sounded eerily familiar of things that have been said to me.
She finally got up enough courage to get a divorce and leave him. However, the kids were allowed to go visit him. Even after he violated his probration he was still allowed to see them.
Christmas he took the children and she waved good bye to them.
SHE NEVER THOUGHT THE ABUSE SHE SUFFERED WOULD BEFALL HER CHILDREN.
He called her a bit later and told her one of the kids wanted to talk to her. The little girl asked her why she wanted the dad put in jail and then she hears the other child begging her father not to do it. POP POP POP.
Both chidren dead by the man SHE NEVER THOUGHT WOULD HURT THE KIDS.
Parts of her story sounded so similar to the things I have had to go through with the kids dad. I have my trials with Mae. I have days where I just wish she would sew her own lips shut. Days where Mae and I are both lucky to have made it through the day and at the end of it all hug and kiss and be told I'm the best mom ever.
I am not prepared to risk her life. Do I think he would hurt her? Like the mother from the story, my answer would be no. But I have been threatend too many times with maybe you will get her back, no i wont give her back, to many times of him calling me nasty dirty names to her face to take that chance any longer. Do I miss having a big break from Mae? Yes I do. But would I rather face all the trials we do and still have her at the end of the day...overwelmingly yes!
It's sad when the other people in our lives have to agree with me. I can no longer subject Mae to the games he plays, the threats he makes, the abuse he still doles out when he well I don't know why he does it.
My friend said...if she ever does get to go back over there I'm going to have to take her aren't I? I told her yup, BUT the bad thing is you have to deal with him. You will have to figure out how much to charge him for gas and it will be on you. Guess what? She may change her mind and not do it. Why? Because noone wants to deal with a psycho.
I was talking to mom today and told her look we may have Margarita Monday but that is one day out of 7 that I have her. We drink responsibily, we don't over indulge, and we smoke outside. The house is clean, we don't put the drinking over her, and she is getting to an age where she repeats what goes on over there. I don't want to hear anymore about Coop and daddy drinking beer. And I don't have to find out that he had a sex offender over there. If that's going on...what else is that I dont know about.
I'm really glad I saw that show because it just reinforces that I am doing the best I can for Mae. It's my job to keep her safe and I take it seriously.
AND...I may have lost my free weekends, but school is starting soon and that means every day I will be Mae free for over 4 hours. We will be getting the break we need from each other. And I know that all over the world summer vacation is the worst time for parents and kids. We all get on each others nerves and take each other for granted.
Mae and I are starting our life together. Free from drama and bullshit that come from a mentally unstable man. It will just be another thing I have to explain to a kid. Lucky for me I have enough witness's to the story to back it up, plus truth is a powerful thing.
And if you follow me on facebook you know that the best times of the day are the new thing she is doing. Coming up to me, throwing her arms around me, and telling me I love you, your the best mama ever!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
I know why people lie to my mom. I really do, and by people I mean service people. The problem I have is that this time I over heard it and though I should have I didn't dispute it. Why? Cuz he was kinda cute lol.
My friend Kimmi had to work today and school doesnt have after care for another week. She asked if I could pick Sidney up and take her to daycare. No big deal, EXCEPT, the cable guy was here again today to install the phone. Or however they do it. Well I told mom the phone was in my room and she flipped. She called them and said they would be sending the guy back out.
Um, mom I told you earlier that I have to pick Sid up from school and you told them to send him back now? It was 20 minutes til I had to leave. So she comes over to the house. THANK YOU LORD JESUS for whoever slipped the crack into my ginger ale lol.
I got up today and did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen and living room and the bathroom was done last night. So when she walked in, hell froze a little bit again lol, she told me the kitchen looked nice and the house looked good. OMG seriously? I'll take the little praise I get when it comes, i'm greedy like that lol.
Sooooo the guy comes the first time and we're eating pizza. He calls me back to my room and I go back to the living room not 5 minutes later and Mae is eating my pizza. WTF?? Did you eat my pizza...Nooooo, i hear from my room. Ok that made me laugh.
So the guy finishes the job and tells me the net is back up. I get online and what do i see? He checked his fucking plenty of fish account from my room! Ok I didn't flip because I don't care but you know that the next person will have a fucking fit.
Sooooooo since I thought he was cute, he didn't call me ma'am, and he actually talked to me lol I sent him a message on that site roflmao. So let's see what he has to say about that one lol.
Sometimes you just gotta go WTF lol.
My friend Kimmi had to work today and school doesnt have after care for another week. She asked if I could pick Sidney up and take her to daycare. No big deal, EXCEPT, the cable guy was here again today to install the phone. Or however they do it. Well I told mom the phone was in my room and she flipped. She called them and said they would be sending the guy back out.
Um, mom I told you earlier that I have to pick Sid up from school and you told them to send him back now? It was 20 minutes til I had to leave. So she comes over to the house. THANK YOU LORD JESUS for whoever slipped the crack into my ginger ale lol.
I got up today and did the dishes, cleaned the kitchen and living room and the bathroom was done last night. So when she walked in, hell froze a little bit again lol, she told me the kitchen looked nice and the house looked good. OMG seriously? I'll take the little praise I get when it comes, i'm greedy like that lol.
Sooooo the guy comes the first time and we're eating pizza. He calls me back to my room and I go back to the living room not 5 minutes later and Mae is eating my pizza. WTF?? Did you eat my pizza...Nooooo, i hear from my room. Ok that made me laugh.
So the guy finishes the job and tells me the net is back up. I get online and what do i see? He checked his fucking plenty of fish account from my room! Ok I didn't flip because I don't care but you know that the next person will have a fucking fit.
Sooooooo since I thought he was cute, he didn't call me ma'am, and he actually talked to me lol I sent him a message on that site roflmao. So let's see what he has to say about that one lol.
Sometimes you just gotta go WTF lol.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Today was a special day for me and a friend of mine. Dawn's daughter turned 21 and my Katie turned 16. Who knew we would both get this far with kiddos. Not because Dawn's daughter has an illness but because KIDS CAN DRIVE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!!
Yes I know Katie doesn't live with me, but like i keep reminding people...she had a life with me no matter who awknowledges it.
I know Katie has her own issues and as much as the Missouri family tries to hide it...it comes out.
I'm just greatful that we have her!
When she was born I didn't even get to be with her for the first 24 hours of her life. She had a fever and I had a fever and she had to go to the NICU. Scary stuff for an 18 yr old girl. Then i had blood pressure issues...so Katie was a lot of work from day one lol.
Today saw the loss of an old chatroom associate. I hadn't talked to him in a very very long time. But I know people who were close to him and I feel for their loss.
I'm still working on not being a big baby everyday because of Grandpa. Some days are much better than others.
Someone slipped crack into my ginger ale tonight because I just got done cleaning the freakin bathroom! Though I am a little irritated that my cousin says the only thing we can use on the tile is vinegar and water to clean it. He says that anything else will ruin the grout. I want a second opinion. Do you know how shitty it is to have to scrub each and every single individual tile to get the yuck off? I'm going to talk to my mom and see if she can call someone else and see what they say. Isn't that why they make Tilex? To clean soap scum off tiles?
I don't know...all I know is that I had to work on my day off today. Only slightly bitching because my plan for today was to do laundry, clean the bathroom, kitchen, living room, and get the yard done. My friend needed the day off so I went to work. Made decent tips so it wasn't sooooo horrible. But tomorrow I'll have to do the rest of the housework and yardwork before work.
I'm begining to think I really am Cinderella lol all I need is a singing mouse. Oooo wait...I have a Gus mouse tattooed on my ankle...damn maybe I should have gone with something else lol
Yes I know Katie doesn't live with me, but like i keep reminding people...she had a life with me no matter who awknowledges it.
I know Katie has her own issues and as much as the Missouri family tries to hide it...it comes out.
I'm just greatful that we have her!
When she was born I didn't even get to be with her for the first 24 hours of her life. She had a fever and I had a fever and she had to go to the NICU. Scary stuff for an 18 yr old girl. Then i had blood pressure issues...so Katie was a lot of work from day one lol.
Today saw the loss of an old chatroom associate. I hadn't talked to him in a very very long time. But I know people who were close to him and I feel for their loss.
I'm still working on not being a big baby everyday because of Grandpa. Some days are much better than others.
Someone slipped crack into my ginger ale tonight because I just got done cleaning the freakin bathroom! Though I am a little irritated that my cousin says the only thing we can use on the tile is vinegar and water to clean it. He says that anything else will ruin the grout. I want a second opinion. Do you know how shitty it is to have to scrub each and every single individual tile to get the yuck off? I'm going to talk to my mom and see if she can call someone else and see what they say. Isn't that why they make Tilex? To clean soap scum off tiles?
I don't know...all I know is that I had to work on my day off today. Only slightly bitching because my plan for today was to do laundry, clean the bathroom, kitchen, living room, and get the yard done. My friend needed the day off so I went to work. Made decent tips so it wasn't sooooo horrible. But tomorrow I'll have to do the rest of the housework and yardwork before work.
I'm begining to think I really am Cinderella lol all I need is a singing mouse. Oooo wait...I have a Gus mouse tattooed on my ankle...damn maybe I should have gone with something else lol
Monday, August 16, 2010
Another Margarita Monday is over with. A couple hours with the girls is really what the doctor orders sometimes.
Tonight it was all girls so that was nice. It was really gorgeous outside to make it even nicer. And the kids all got along and nobody was fighting.
It's probably the cheapest out of the house time we can all have together. A bottle of margaritas is anywhere from 12 to 15 bucks. That means if there are 3 of us....it's only 5 bucks apiece. Or if your the bringer of the ice and lime...not much at all.
I really like sitting out there with or without drinks. It's not as good as being at the lake but it's pretty darn close.
Here's hoping that next Monday I have off so I don't have to miss Margarita Monday!
Tonight it was all girls so that was nice. It was really gorgeous outside to make it even nicer. And the kids all got along and nobody was fighting.
It's probably the cheapest out of the house time we can all have together. A bottle of margaritas is anywhere from 12 to 15 bucks. That means if there are 3 of us....it's only 5 bucks apiece. Or if your the bringer of the ice and lime...not much at all.
I really like sitting out there with or without drinks. It's not as good as being at the lake but it's pretty darn close.
Here's hoping that next Monday I have off so I don't have to miss Margarita Monday!
As my mother said...Just another reason to hate DJ. Yup he is still a pos asshole and is doing such a good job of it that I think he should get some kind of trophy.
You would think at 46 he would know to not play games. Considering that all his problems have stemmed from some game or another he wants to play. But try to call him on it and ooo it's not me it's you..blah blah blah.
Last week I got an email from him at my yahoo account. It asked if he was getting the girl this weekend and i fired off my email. A one word reply of Nope. Not to long after that I go to my gmail account and lo and behold...there is another email about getting my girl. This one however says am i getting the girl, if so what time, and if not no need to reply. WTF?
Seriously...you want to play games with me? You have already seen what game playing with me does. It ruins everything for HIM. I'm almost 35 years old and I know that trying to play some stupid little bullshit game with anyone is going to get you what you dont want.
So he said he would give me money for school clothes for Mae. Well I sent him a message because my mom wanted to know when the money was coming because her Kohl's bill is due. To be honest I don't remember when he says he is giving me the money, so I message him.
His fucking game playing continues even with that! He wants her address so he can send her a check and have a record of it. So I tell him the truth I have to talk to my mom and see if she wants him to have her address. Guess what? She wants him to do what he has always done and put the money into my account so that I can give her the cash. I tell him this and he's all like hmmm interesting. What's interesting? It's what my mom wants. He reiterates that he wants a record for him. Hello you big piece of shit...when you transfer money from your account to another account....THERE IS A RECORD! It is in your paper statement, it's in your online banking page, AND if you don't get paper records you can go back like 2 years on your estatements and see where it went. But he wants to know where the money went to. Funny how all of a sudden he doesn't trust what the money is going for.
Any time i have ever asked him for money I have been able to prove what the money is for, and how it was spent. If I have to ask for money I'm asking because it's for something specific. BUT again he has to do all this game playing.
If you make it to almost 50 you would think you would be done playing games. I don't have any need to play games. I have a 4 yr old that plays them to the point of me wanting to wack her, ya know! But then again she is 4yrs old and they are supposed to be like that.
Again like my mom said...just another fucking reason to hate him. One day he will figure out all that he lost because he had to play some stupid game or have an agenda. The thing is...he is only hurting himself. Mae is fine WITHOUT him and his bullshit so the only one who loses anything at all...HIM.
Some people will never change, grow up, or be responsible for their actions/inactions but continue to blame others for their faults. Me....I'm going to continue on my path and own my mistakes and know that everything I do isfor the greater good of Mae.
You would think at 46 he would know to not play games. Considering that all his problems have stemmed from some game or another he wants to play. But try to call him on it and ooo it's not me it's you..blah blah blah.
Last week I got an email from him at my yahoo account. It asked if he was getting the girl this weekend and i fired off my email. A one word reply of Nope. Not to long after that I go to my gmail account and lo and behold...there is another email about getting my girl. This one however says am i getting the girl, if so what time, and if not no need to reply. WTF?
Seriously...you want to play games with me? You have already seen what game playing with me does. It ruins everything for HIM. I'm almost 35 years old and I know that trying to play some stupid little bullshit game with anyone is going to get you what you dont want.
So he said he would give me money for school clothes for Mae. Well I sent him a message because my mom wanted to know when the money was coming because her Kohl's bill is due. To be honest I don't remember when he says he is giving me the money, so I message him.
His fucking game playing continues even with that! He wants her address so he can send her a check and have a record of it. So I tell him the truth I have to talk to my mom and see if she wants him to have her address. Guess what? She wants him to do what he has always done and put the money into my account so that I can give her the cash. I tell him this and he's all like hmmm interesting. What's interesting? It's what my mom wants. He reiterates that he wants a record for him. Hello you big piece of shit...when you transfer money from your account to another account....THERE IS A RECORD! It is in your paper statement, it's in your online banking page, AND if you don't get paper records you can go back like 2 years on your estatements and see where it went. But he wants to know where the money went to. Funny how all of a sudden he doesn't trust what the money is going for.
Any time i have ever asked him for money I have been able to prove what the money is for, and how it was spent. If I have to ask for money I'm asking because it's for something specific. BUT again he has to do all this game playing.
If you make it to almost 50 you would think you would be done playing games. I don't have any need to play games. I have a 4 yr old that plays them to the point of me wanting to wack her, ya know! But then again she is 4yrs old and they are supposed to be like that.
Again like my mom said...just another fucking reason to hate him. One day he will figure out all that he lost because he had to play some stupid game or have an agenda. The thing is...he is only hurting himself. Mae is fine WITHOUT him and his bullshit so the only one who loses anything at all...HIM.
Some people will never change, grow up, or be responsible for their actions/inactions but continue to blame others for their faults. Me....I'm going to continue on my path and own my mistakes and know that everything I do isfor the greater good of Mae.
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