Yeah, that's a good mom

http://www.press-citizen.com/article/20100811/NEWS01/100811002/1079/

I worry about Mae. I worry all the time about if I am being a good mom. I have doubts about that every single day. I think that all good parents worry about their ability to parent. It takes a lot of hard work to turn out a good kid.

I'm checking my mail today and that link is the article that stood out.

Her 4 yr old was missing for over an hour before she called anyone. I've lost Mae twice, both times I had someone else helping me watch her. I know it happens. BUT I also know that after checking the immediate area if you don't find your child, you CALL for help.

The first time I lost Mae I went to take a shower and asked Grandpa to watch Mae. This was when she first started getting some freedom in the house lol. I got out of the shower and realized it was too quiet. I threw on my clothes and checked the inside of the house and then immediately went outside. I found her in the backyard, in her pajamas playing on the swingset. After the, at most, 10 minutes it took to look for her, if I hadn't found her I would have called the police. At 3 and 4 years old if a 10 minute self search can't locate your kid, something is wrong!

The second time I lost Mae I went outside to have a smoke. I asked her dad to watch her while I went out. We both knew where she was when I left. I came back inside and the first thing I did was look for her. She wasn't there. Went up to where she had been and looked around, checked the bathroom, walked back through the tables, and then asked her dad where she was. He told me she was at the front, no she wasn't. He didn't know where she was. Started asking people and looking for her. 5 minutes later she's found sitting at the front bar(we were at a benefit) just hanging out with a toy and having her drink. If I hadn't have found her again I would have called the police.

This woman waited an hour to call the police. And it wasn't the first time she's lost her kid. Both times the kid could have been seriously hurt. NOW they are going to do an investigation on her. I don't understand the waiting an hour to call the police. I totally get losing the kid, but both times not calling really makes me question her commitment to her child.

I'm glad the little girl is safe, but am fearful for the home she lives in. How hard is it to pick up the phone and call for help. What motivates a person to not call for help. How do you live with the fact that your actions/inactions could lead to your child being seriously hurt?

I'm not the best parent, but I am one of the better ones. I hope that everything comes out good for the girl. I really hope this mother gets the help she needs.

Well hell was only frozen for a minute. It's all unthawed and jumping all over me again. WTF is it with the house being cleaned that my mother feels she has to jump me over, nag me over, and in general just be a pain in my ass?

I asked her if since they did all this stuff to the house if she's seen it dirty. Her answer No. Well wtf doesnt that mean then that someone is cleaning it? Does she think theres a house fairy that comes by , or the 4 yr old does it? No it's me. I have friends who back me up when talking to her about it that IM ALWAYS FUCKING CLEANING SOMETHING! PLUS all the goddamned yard work.

But today just really burns me! She asked if I cleaned house. Fuck me for being honest. I didn't clean house. I'm off work tomorrow and was going to take my aggression and sadness out on the house tomorrow instead of wallowing in self pity and alcohol.

Ok I lied, I did do some cleaning. I changed and took out the garbage, I put a new bag into the soda can garbage, I cleaned off the table, I did the dishes, and I put the dirty clothes in the hamper. What I did not do however was clean the toilet. I was going to do it tomorrow. BUT my mother in all her clean freak wisdom chose to get on me about the toilet being dirty and how I'm not cleaning it. Um fuck you I clean it once a week. Sorry that I cleaned it early in the week this week and YOU THINK IT'S FUCKING DIRTY!

I asked her if you thought it wasn't clean enough for you, then why didn't you clean it? Seriously she was here Friday and part of Saturday. If it was really that horrible and that bad, and that unacceptable...WHY DIDN'T YOU CLEAN IT! The answer I got...because it's your job!

WTF?? So your telling me that even though you will be staying here, using the shower, shitting in the toilet you are not going to do any work? Oooo my bad she cleaned up after the party we had while I was at work ONE TIME! You expect me to wait on you, my dad, and clean the house, do the yardwork and you get to talk to me like I'm 12 and forgot to do my chores?? AND I asked her if the house has been dirty when she's been here(which is at least once a week) and the answer is No.

So why the hell do you have to nag and get on me over the toilet especially when you have no intention of helping out. Oh and then tell me under the sink are extra things to clean it. HELLTHEFUCKOO...I know they are there and yes I know to use them. How do i know they're there? Because I PUT THEM THERE, I USE THE THINGS UNDER THERE!!

I just don't get why all my hard work and effort; on a daily basis, isn't seen. I don't know why she can't just back the fuck off. And then wonder why I want off the phone and don't want to talk to anyone now.

Give me a break....you want me out of your house that fucking bad, out of your life. It's a good way to go by pushing me and pushing me on something I already do. God I wish she would just lighten the fuck up because seriously I feel like I'm going insane and I know I can never live up to her expectations on any level.

Fuck my life.

Man I had some messed up dreams last night. Yup they involved Grandpa. I don't even have a clue how my brain came up with these dreams but man too bad I can't translate them into something that will make money.

I kind of wonder if part of it isn't because I spent a hundred bucks yesterday on clothes for Mae and Grandpa would help me out if I ran short and that's why I had my dreams. All I know is for some reason I was staying in a hotel with Mae with my mom's discount and we didn't check out in time and ended up with 3 days on the bill and I could only afford 2 and next thing i know BAaaaam Grandpa is back. Like seriously he was back and eating with us and talking with us. And we were all together. I know I miss him and man I have some crazy dreams. It was good to see him though even though I woke up and it wasn't real.

Tomorrow is the 3 month mark. I miss him something fierce and the crying is getting bad again. Wednesday is the grief counselor and Thursday is the psych doctor so who knows what I'm going to be feeling.

But thanks to the tax free weekend Mae has some clothes that will last her through November and then when it's too cold for short sleeves all I'll have to do is buy some long sleeve shirts to go with the leggings. For some reason her body right now just doesn't fit into anything with a real waist and button. They have to be bought so many sizes bigger and then fall off. I swear if it's not one thing with this girl it's another lol.

Anyways I just wanted to get some of this out before church, hope everyone has a good Sunday. And Brenda....I say for a good laugh sit out on the porch with a hose and everytime one of his kids or him come out all nasty looking you squirt them so they have to go find soap lol

I fell asleep AFTER 1230am. I couldn't stay up anymore. I couldn't I'm sorry I'm a bad fucking parent. I tried to stay awake because I could still hear Mae awake in her room.

But my body said no, and I fell asleep.

I woke up about 30 minutes ago and she was in the fucking bathroom. Into all the fucking cleaning supplies. She had sprayed down the bathroom in something and was "cleaning" it.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to handle her. Obviously the medication isn't working, or maybe im just a shit parent.

Either way they better fucking legalize speed real soon so I can stay awake 24/7 so she doesn't hurt herself.

What am I supposed to do if I can't even sleep because she won't sleep. I think she's finally asleep. God I hope so because I want to sleep.

Maybe the spanking did the job, I don't know. And those parents who say don't spank...fuck them, they have the perfect kids. Mine...bad!

I just don't know what to do anymore. My mom will be here tomorrow night. I'm going to beg her and my dad to keep an eye/ear out for her so I can sleep. I wish I had help with her but I don't and I guess tomorrow I call the doctor to see if there is any suggestion because the Melatonin didn't work.

Fuck my life fuck my life! Oh and found out that another guy I used to work with died, my drivers ed teacher died...wtf....SERIOUSLY!!!

Monday is 3 months since Grandpa passed. July my Aunt Alberta had a pacemaker put in. Tonight I find out that my Aunt Teresa had a fucking heart attack like Monday or maybe Friday and didn't tell anyone.

I AM DONE!!!

What the hell else is going to happen?

I don't know how much more health scares I can take with my family!

Mom called me tonight while I was at work to tell me she found out. Hell my aunt didn't even tell her kids!!! The only reason one of them found out was because they needed a ride. The Dr who put the stents in Grandpa put her stents in. I think it may have been a blessing in disguise that we didn't know because we would have gone to visit and she had the same room Grandpa did.

What else? Do I even want to know? Do I even want to think about it?

This is not our year! This is just a fucking crap year and I'm going to blame Obama!

I think hell must have frozen over. No seriously, I think it has!

As you know I have a mother who is great, wonderful, overbearing, guilt trip laying, and a few assorted other choice phrases good and bad. One of the big bones of contention has been about my housekeeping ability.

The thing is...I am not the worst housekeeper out there. She is just never satisfied. NEVER!

When I lived with Mae's dad I cleaned the damned house every single day. I mean CLEANED the house. You know toilets, sinks, kitchen, living room, bedroom...THE WHOLE PLACE. Every single solitary day.

She came over one time and I had a box of diapers in the living room. My house to her was filthy! Yea like I said never satisfied.

When Grandpa was alive he didn't do anything. I did everything. Yes I let it get out of control but then enlisted the help of some friends for motivation and cleaned the place from top to bottom. Again there was something on the floor and the house was filthy. So filthy that she said it was the cause of my grandpa being depressed and how could anyone live like that.

Funny how spending all my time cleaning is never good enough. BUT today I think hell has frozen over!

She told me that I'm doing a good job on keeping the house clean. Then of course threw in how I have to do it every day even if I'm working a lot. I took today off and only cleaned the bathroom vanity. BUT she was talking to my friend who watches Mae here and she told my mom that I'm really really trying.

Sad how everyone else in the free world can see the effort I am putting forth on a daily basis but one thing out of place makes the house filthy to her.

So today my mom was proud of me...I really think hell has frozen over.

Another day another virus! I don't know how I get so many virus's and other people who are on the computer more than me never catch one! It's really rather irritating. Especially when part of my birthday present ends up having to be my computer getting fixed. To top it off my virus protection was corrupted. WTF?? Seriously?

Oh well I had other things to occupy my time. You know work, trying to cut the grass, laundry, housework. All the fun things in life!

It's quickly approaching 3 months that Grandpa hasn't been with us. I don't know if it's grief, or my body, or what but I've been having trouble sleeping again, nightmares, and hearing my Grandpa call out for me waking me up. It's so bad that I should just be taking the damn ambien when I want to go to bed. But I've been taking one at 2 am. Fall asleep around midnight, wake up at 2, take a pill, wake up at 5, wake up at 7, and you get the picture. I don't know how people get through grief and move along, but they do and eventually I will to, but for right now I deal with the consequences of his death.

Next Wednesday mom and I are going to the grief counselor. Let's see if that helps anything. I'd rather go on my own, but I don't think my mom would go without someone. This is the first time she has mentioned going and if my going gets her there then I'm going. She doesn't understand, or see, or get how she has turned into a raving bitch at times and how she is hurting the people around her. I get it your dad died. I get it my grandpa/dad died. I get it! Ok I really truly get it! But that doesn't mean you get to just bash everyone around you. If you did that's what I would be doing on a regular basis.

In the moving on process I've decided to have another party! I think that 35 deserves a nice celebration. I'm going to have a mexican fiesta. Full of mexican food, people, kids, a pinata, and DRINKS! It's over a month away but I really do like my birthday and to pull this off I need more than a week to get it all together lol. My friend Tammy is going to help me with the cooking. Should take a day and a half to get all the food made. Thank god for crock pots!

I really don't have anything going on in my life. Just taking care of Mae, trying to scrounge up hours at work, and trying to find work. Life just keeps moving on, but I tell you sometimes I'd just like to get off the ride. Today I got the bathroom half cleaned, the yard half mowed(ran out of gas) and since I don't work til 5 tomorrow...I'm taking the rest of the day off. When I get up tomorrow I can do laundry, clean the shower, vaccum, and do whatever dishes we use tonight.

I hate life right now. I'm not used to these bipolar days of my life. I'm used to normal and sane. But trying to deal with the good days and the bad days and the in between days is really taxing. Thank god for books, tv dramas, and all the other stuff that keeps me occupied or else I might just climb a bell tower.