Ok, one more getting it out blog and then I'm going to bed. The plant my dad worked at closed and he took a job with this other plant. Working 2nd shift, and Saturdays. My dad worked Monday through Friday 1st shift. Overtime gave him Saturdays.

15 years of this. All nights, weekends, major holidays spent together. Now they aren't together as much and my mom is lonely. She isn't used to being home alone. She said the first week she was hearing noises. SIGH!

The last two weekends I've gone to her house on Saturday, because she was LONELY. Good daughter that I am, hungover a bit lol, I made the hour drive. Called the kid's dad and told him it would be the later time for picking her up. Went down and watched movies and drank some beer with mom.

The next Saturday comes, she's lonely. This time though she adds some passive aggressive shit to the mix when I was trying to not go. Again... I may have been a little hungover. It was Saturday after all and the night before was PARTYerr Friday lol. She starts in on I need to be a big girl, suck it up, blah blah. I'll be there by 5 mom.

That woman called me a bunch of times before I left. My friend bough a 6 pack for her, which I have to get him the cash lol. She wanted pie, She wanted to know where I was, She wanted to know where I was again. Seriously, I was tired before I went down there lol.

BUT I am a good daughter! After some bitching to my friend about having to go lol I got on the road. I even stopped and picked up goodies for us on top of the pie.

Mom even facebooked that I had brought treats lol. I took the garlic rye chips from the Gardettos. Yay for bags of just those. And an apple fritter from Caseys. She was happy. I took some movies along.

Man sleep watching movies is hereditary lol.

It wasn't a bad weekend, it just really sucked that I had to do that driving when I really just wanted to stay home. I don't mind going and visiting my mom, but we can only get along for so long. I don't want to spend so much time with her that it ends up with a massive fight because we've over done our stay with each other.

WELLLLL now my Friday night is about to be invaded, possibly. All depending on the weather determines who I'm partying with on Friday. Mom lives an hour out of town and sucks at driving in bad weather. We are supposed to get some bad weather tomorrow, maybe. Well she asked, in her way, but more kinda suggested and told me that I should agree to her plan.

Ok so I'm all about following orders from the Person. But maaaan, I have a very hard time just taking it with my mom lol. Though for the most part it really is easier to just suck it up and do it, because it's a pretty good bet that I'll have a good time. THOUGH it would be nice to actually have a choice not just a pretend one lol.

Anyways, Friday night is my night with the boys! Pretty much every Friday except holidays, excluding NYE, we hang out for at least a drink. Well this Friday with it possibly being bad, I'm now hanging with my mom. Trying to convince her to go to the bar we go to, stopping at my friends house, and just going with our flow.

I don't see it happening! She wants to go see a band. She has a hotel room for us. I don't have a problem partying with my mom. I just really don't want to go to the bar with the bands. They aren't my kind of bar. And if I'm going to go to them, I want to be able to at least look like I gave a shit when I left the house. Remember I'll be stinking like a sandwhich and my hair will be shit after being in a pony and hat!

Yea I change my shirt and perfume it up, but you still get that underlying scent lol.

Yes I will have fun! But damn, please please let my mom let it down enough that we can go do my Friday night lol. I'm scared lol this could all blow up. Usually she only is this nice to me when her n my sister are fighting. At least that's how I see it. Which is probably skewed. I admit that, but IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!!!

I have a ritual, I like my ritual, I like hanging with my friends. Creature of habit, but please dear god don't let my mom become a habit!!!

Better to blog about it then to let it float inside my head. I have a really really really good (bad) feeling that when I ask Katie about spring break that the answer will be no.

I love my daughter, and I hate to think like that. BUT from all previous attempts to spend time with her, I hear that No.

I really wish I could get someone other than my friends on my side for my wanting to have her come visit. She already told me there isn't any school activities going on. Just whatever they are doing at their house. I DON'T CARE! I'm SELFISH. I want to spend time with her. WITHOUT my sister and the whole freaking clan.

She already calls my sister mom. I lost that fight! Do you know how hard it is to be the mom, because bottom line I am her mother! Even that my mom will say. When she was here for that over night my sister was asking her if everything was ok, and whatever else. Like something was going to happen. Oh wait, I might actually parent my daughter.

I buy my Katie A LOT of crap! I was thinking about how much crap I buy her today, and it's a lot. I was putting groceries away and I went to put stuff in the bottom drawer and there was the boxes of Twilight SweetTarts I bought for her. She's a Twilight FREEEEEAK. Then I came upon another bag. Told my grandpa that I was going to put it in his room. More crap for my Katie! Yes, Twilight! Hell, taxes come in, I'm going to be a big ol dork and buy her the Edward standup. She's Team Edward...ALL THE WAY! It was in a text so it must be real :)

Well as my low self esteem, and feelings towards the situation with my girl; my brain went into overdrive with bullshit. After the "adult" conversation with Katie the other day, I went that way again today.

Her phone called our house phone while she was in school today. Soo weird to be going um hello, hello, and listening to the background noise. I admit, I listened for a minute. It was good hearing her be a kid. Love my girl! I texted her and she texted me. Said she would call tonight. Yay she called!

Anyways, I said to her that I had bought her a lot of crap again. I always buy her crap lol. I told her that I love her very much and since she isn't here for me to show her blah blah, I buy her crap. I know your not supposed to buy your kid's love but that's not why I was doing it. I only buy her stuff like that because I don't see her. If she lived with me it would be like it is with Mae. If I have the money yes, If I don't no.

So I talked to her like an adult again. Because I wanted something, horrible of me, but I want to see her. I want her to know the reasons why I do things, and how much I love her, miss her, and that it's real. It's not some whatever teenagers can invent in their heads. I don't know what my sister says about me, but after that text, I can imagine. So I have to, or at least I feel like I have to, defend myself against real or imagined things.

I want Katie to know that I love her, regardless of the gifts. That the gifts are the only way I know to put some kind of image in her head of me that is real. I didn't say those last two things to her. But I did try to explain to her somethings.

I don't know how to impress on her that her sister needs to see her more too. Mae talks about Katie. Mae asks for Katie to come visit. I feel sad that I always have to tell her no. I don't know why they are still so against me not seeing Katie alone, Ok so many years ago I said I would just get Katie. I have been punished enough! Katie isn't with me because I did something to her. I don't know where it came from, because it came out of nowhere. I did the right thing. Yes, it hurts like hell, but I know I did the right thing.

I expected my sister to do the right thing as well. I expected to see Katie. I expected to talk to Katie. I expected that her AUNT would be her AUNT. Katie knows me as her mother, the world knows me as Katies mother. Katie had a life before the one she has now. Katie doesn't remember this. So for my sister to even say yes to her being called mom. Well that was, in my eyes, the worst hurt and betrayl I've had.

So I'm trying a different way in dealing with my Katie situation. And unfortunately, I already know the answer is No.

Heres to blogging to get it out of my head. If you get it great, If you don't I'm sorry, and If you just wanna slap me, Get in line lol

It begins again

Here we go again! It's back! I'm happy camping! Survivor Thursdays baby! I don't think obsessed describes it enough how much I enjoy Survivor!

I am guilty of loving every train wreck, piece of fluff, mind dissolving, brain rotting show there is out there. Just to make sure all that goo doesn't leak out the sides of my head, there are some real shows in there. Though some of the real shows lol, I'm not sure they qualify as much more than fluff lol.

I was at work the other night and A was like Survivor starts this week. Maaan I got excited, then she finished with Oh, next week. BUT for us Survivor junkies, there is a lil special on tonight. Yayyy Survivor Thursday's are back!

I know that this is shallow and stupid, but after being with Mae all day, I wanna watch tv at night. We tend to let her run the tv lol well Thursday's are mine baby!

Survivor, Grey's Anatomy, Project Runway, Housewives....then by the time it gets to 11 or Midnight Star Trek The Next Generation. I love my Thursday night tv nights lol.

I havn't been blogging lately because I just havn't felt like putting anything to the screen. Things are going good on all fronts and while I could go on and on about the good stuff, I just don't feel like sharing. Though you would be surprised at some of the good stuff lol.

I'm waiting and on countdown for the hotel party. I'm pretty sure I blogged about it lol. Maybe not here because I don't remember if that was still 360 days or not. BUT the party is fast approaching and I'm ready for 2 days of nothing but drinks and swim suits.

Anyways...I'll be back to ramble again.

Here's to being lazy with the blogging.

Some days~

There are some days that you just wish you could start all over again. This day is only partially like that. Well, if there is any fallout then it will totally be like that lol.

I woke up before the alarm this morning and didn't feel so hot. No big deal, figure I just needed to get moving and awake. Which was the case. Did the typical Monday morning routine and set about to be lazy till pick up time.

When you drop/pick up your child from school you have to sign in/sign out the child. Well today when I picked her up there was an action form. OMG! I gasped, literally, gasped out loud.

The form was for me to sign and be put into her file. I don't know what happened, but I do know my child well enough that maybe she wasn't provoked. Hey maybe she was and I'm just a bad mama for not believing the best of my child. Anyways!

Mae BIT another child on the shoulder so hard that she left teeth marks. They put her in time out. Talked to her about it being a red light, a no no. And from me they got the promise that we would be TALKING about this incident.

It's hard to talk to an almost 4 yr old about their actions. Especially mine. She just doesn't get it sometimes. Sometimes she totally gets it. But she doesn't tell you things. She really does live in her own lil world. Sound familiar lol.

We talked about how you do not bite! How it is not nice and acceptable behavior. And that she would have a consequence, punishment for being NAUGHTY! Even at 4 the punishment sucks for the adults lol.

We tend to let her take over the tv during the day. Well at least until Grandpa's shows are on. So I took tv away from her today. Well she can watch it, but it IS NOT on any of her channels. We got home from WalMart and grandpa decided it was ok for her to watch tv.

UM HELL NO! It's hard enough to enforce punishment with him, we are not going to start letting shit slide on this scale. So I told him again, FIRMLY, that Mae does not get to watch her shows today! She can watch them tomorrow. I'm sure by tomorrow she will have forgotten about why, so one day is good enough.

Ooooweee, it's been an interesting afternoon. Her toys didn't occupy her. The only thing that did was being all up my butt! Nothing new there, except it was ALL DAY lol.

I've expressed my concerns before about my parenting of Mae. The frustration, joy, horror, laughter, all of it. Well I did something about it! I contacted a counseling service and we are now going to be getting assistance. We started last Friday and this Friday will be our second session with the lady. Wow nice that I have something new we need to address and we just freakin started!!

The flip side of Mae today though was she shocked her teacher at school with how smart she is. She recognized almost the whole alphabet today. The letters were out of order and Mae was able to kick butt. Wooooo yay Mae, but the biting!

The second part of the day was a conversation I had with Katie. As you well know I'm always trying to find ways to be with her. With tax time upon us, I have some money so me and MY GIRLS can do something together. And Katie has spring break coming up.

Well I asked her if she wanted to do something with us, because I needed the dates of her break so I could plan. Well she hemmed and hawed and was all I don't know what we have going on. I asked her, do you have band? No. Well then what's the problem. She told me she didn't know what was going on at the house!

That's when I changed tactics and probably came off like a big ol bitch! I told her That I loved her and she was going to be an adult soon and I was going to talk to her like an adult. I told her that if she doesn't want to spend time with us, if she doesn't want to be with us, if she doesn't want to do things with us, that I wanted to hear it from her mouth. I wanted her to tell me to my face(ear) that she wasn't interested. That it would be much better than thinking she wasn't allowed to come. She understood, or so she said, you know teens. Then she was like again about stuff going on at the house. I told her that her helping my sister with her daycare kids was not a reasonable reason for not spending time with us! I also told her that I would like to know by the time of the hotel party.That way I could plan and get it done without rushing. Remember I'm a planner lol.

I'm waiting for this to bite me in the ass though. You know that Katie has to ask permission. I also know that there could be a discussion about what was said. After that last text from my sister, I'm really waiting to see what comes from this. I'm going to go with the assumption that Katie is going to say no. Well I called my mom after talking with Katie to let her know what I had said and such. Because if my sister is going to implode/explode it will be with my mom first. She didn't have a problem with what I said to Katie, she was just concerned about how we ended the call. Which I totally get, but we ended it well. At least it was well when I got off the phone with her. I told mom what I said about the babysitting not being a viable excuse.

That's when I got irritated with my mom. She told me well she has to help, or she helps out and...that's when I cut her off. Seriously it is my sister's business. It is my sister's responsibility. It is my sister that gets the paycheck and spends it the way their house needs it spent. Katie is almost 16 she shouldn't be expected to help out or not be able to make plans because my sister wants help. I know for a fact Katie already helps out with the 3 kids my sister has of her own.

So no I do not think that her helping my sister is a good reason. Like I said though, I asked Katie to give me her answer at the hotel part. That gives her 18 days to make up her mind. Again, I am all prepared for her to turn me down flat and if she does. Well that just means I stop trying.

I can't let this hurt me anymore. I don't know what to do anymore and to be honest...while giving up on my child isn't very nice. It's what I am going to have to do because I also have Mae to focus on. Sadly Katie won't ever know what she is missing with us because my sister's husband was able to give Katie everything I would never have been able to give her. One day though, maybe Katie will see what is really important and see that it's not all like she thinks it is.

Heres to that tax return making it into my account really really soon, I need a mini vacay!

I am hiding out! Right this very moment I am hiding from the phone, Mae, my grandpa, I am in hiding lol. Today has been one of those days! One of those days I'm going to have to borrow like 20 bucks because it's only 938am and I NEED A DRINK!! Not want one, need one lol.

There is nothing like waking up to finding out your bank accounts are WAAAAAAAAAAY out of wack! Trying to find charges you know you made and figure out which account has the right amount of money in it. Oh hell, I'm going to have to pause and go look at one of the accounts again, because now I'm worried about the 18 bucks in gas I got the other day. Insert elevator music here.

Ok that was another mistake!!! Seriously.. I don't understand how hard it is to add and subtract funds! They need to figure out a better way with the authorizations and the actual pulling of funds! Now my account shows that I have 3 bucks, BUT still isn't showing the phone payment. But my gas is covered lol.

Then I go to another account and I'm racking my brain to figure out if I used it. Do I really have 20 bucks in there, or is it an illusion!!

Then my mother!! OOOO seriously!! My mother! She ordered almost a hundred bucks worth of Pampered Chef. I just need to pick the check up. I have no idea when the stuff is coming. She's having a day about money too! So she's off on well that's bull and this is bull and I'm like here's the number call!! I got a text and I got the info. Now she's ok. Except for the next flurry of calls I got from her!!

Mae...do I really need to say anymore? I don't know what the hell her problem is besides she's spoiled and thinks she is the boss. I put her ass back in bed for a lil bit because I was tired of a tantrum every 2 minutes. She knows the word No, she hears the word No, the word No is applied to her daily...still...she has a tantrum.

I was freakin done!!!! She had a timeout in bed, which I know isn't the "correct" way. BUT I sent her there, made her lay down, told her she could get up when she could get up in a better mood.

We had the counseling services here yesterday. I asked what she thought about ADD and she just kind of nodded and said Yeah it kind of looks like that. Ohhhh joy! So now to wait for a real diagnosis from professionals. BUT she is going to come and see about helping me and Mae.

It's Friday! It's not supposed to be this hard this early lol. I have laundry in the washer, Mae has been fed, and I have about 15 more minutes that I can hide out! I'm going to enjoy my 15 minutes and then I have to face the music lol.

Have a great weekend everyone. Dawn...I sure hope you get better soon! I can kind of sense your frustration.

There isn't much going on in our world. Just some things that I figure I better not talk about too much, you know that whole jinx factor lol. Still worried about money, and now that taxes are here, Ive realized...Even after taxes ill be broke.

I was getting a few thousand back, but this year i only made about 3 grand..yea i know big freakin difference in pay.

I had gotten excited about a room meet. Then after the excitment wore off and i THOUGHT about it. Realized that there was no way I can justify spending that kind of money on a trip. I want to be totally irresponsible with the money I might get. BUT when its not very much, bills have to be paid first. Which means, Maybe lol Ill have enough for a trip to Des Moines lol. Yay Des Moines lol.

Today I was disappointed by MamaNature. I was praying for school today lol. I was really really selfish and i think thats why it didnt happen lol. We were supposed to have a spa day, stress reliever at the school for the parents. Yea the weather turned nasty and we have a two hour delay which means...No school for Mae lol.

Im being flirted with a lot, but its sooo stupid. I think the dude thinks i just turned the net on for the first time. The rule is if hes flirting with you, hes flirting with 20 other people. DUH LOL. Then this guy from earlier posts decided to email me. WTH...seriously, and then!! LOL. And today i wake up to an email from another site. This one is one of those Adultish sites. Asking me why he hasnt seen me at the video store. Ummmm kinda scary, but kinda pissin me off lol. Why wait til now to say something to me lol.

Such is life lol. Like i said nothing going on with us right now. Though to be honest lol I really wouldnt mind finding someone to hang with lol as long as they're appropriate lol. Right now Im holding a secret about one of my best friends man, and i just cant bring myself to tell her what ive heard. I think I need to, but seriously...noone wants to hear the story I was told. Hopefully the phone call my friend made to the guy gets him to straighten up, if not...All i know is Im waiting till after the party in February to talk to my girl! I dont want to ruin something fun for her.

Yayyyy its a boring life, but im living it!

So remember that catalog I ordered the Christmas boxes out of ? Yea they sent me a new catalog today! Now I know that they don't know I have a girl named Katie. BUT Somehow I think someone tattled lol.



I always buy Valentines for the kids. My sisters, mine, and my brothers. I'm cool like that lol. I love WalMart at Valentines because they have tons of stuff kids love. Well this catalog is candy candy candy lol.



Im getting suckered into buying from them again!! I did't want to be pulled in but I sure was. Doesn't help that the name Katie is on a ton of the things lol. Right now my cell is blinking with a message from Katie. I had to text her to get her view on gummi bears.



I hate not having money and wanting to send gifts lol. Spending this money means we don't get a trip to the video store. But it's so worth it to see them smile because they got a present. I like giving gifts lol. I'm stupid like that lol.



Well back to the catalog and see what the verdict is on the GB's.

Ok checked the text...they are her fav no joke lol. That's what I got back. She isn't a little girl anymore, so I can't buy for her like I do the other kids. Eventually they will all be too old for it lol. BUT they have a tin of freakin gummi bears and I thought she liked them but you know how kids are. They get older and leave stuff behind. I love my girl...guess Im going to have to shower her in gummi bears lol

Heres to raining bears