In need of a break!

Please please please someone come and steal my kiddo for a day or two! I am in need of a break. She's 5 years old and all 5 year olds do is run there mouth ALOT lol. No matter how late you put her to bed she is up at the butt crack of dawn lol.

I keep debating about calling or emailing the kids dad but everyone tells me the same thing and I have to believe it. It's not worth the hassle. I am sick to death of having to explain to Mae though why her donor doesnt come see her.

Then I realize that if he even cared about her one little bit he would get a cab to get her, he would furnish food for her and he would make an effort. Hell my parents are even on my side in this one. I mean it isn't my responsibility to make sure she is fed or gets over there. Its my responsibility to let her go if and when he decides to show up.

But then again when talking about it last night with my friend she reminded me of all the reasons why I'm greatful he doesn't get her. I don't have to go through with the name calling, the threats of not getting her back, the possibility of having to call the police to get involved.

So as it stands life at my house is stressed lol but thanks to friends that come over and friends that have kids coming over we do all right. Thankfully with my job I am able to afford the little things in life lol.

The direct tv though is going to mean I have to probably stop smoking lol. Maaaan I really hate when I have to stop smoking lol. Thankfully Im a cheap drunk and a bottle of wine can last for more than a day lol.

The truth hurts more than anyone can ever know and that makes people bitter and angry. Though lol i do love how people still believe everything they are told online lol.

Its been almost a month since Ive actually spoken with my mother and life is great. I miss her sometimes but then its just like the ex I dont have to deal with any of the shit that comes out of both their mouths when they don't hear what they want.

My sister is pissed off at me because I told my daughter the truth of the matter that my sister is not her mother but is her guardian that she knew me her whole life as her mother. Now Im supposed to never contact them again. Ok fine but eventually she's going to want to know whats up with us. Hell my sister even took me off facebook.

The best thing about being blocked by people is that you don't have to look at their lies, issues, hypocrisy, and their need to make the world think everything is perfect.

I have had perfect moments in my life but nothing is ever perfect. Thankfully for me I don't have to hide behind anyone else, I dont have to hide from my own mistakes, I dont have to lie to myself and others just so i can be the victim.

On the work front things are going great! I have customers who look for me, my priest comes through all the time, and the managers like that Im constantly smiling and doing my best. Ok so Im still lazy lol but I do do my job and have even had several of the csm's tell me they think I would make a good one. So I guess now I have to decide do I want to be lazy and just be a cashier or do I want to actually move up the ladder and see where that takes me.

All I know is that besides having a nonstop running commentary from Mae life is good. There arent many extras but hey thats ok because we live in a nice, clean house that is ours and we are doing ok!

Aughh! Its my life

As we all know I have depression and right now it's trying to rear its ugly head. I have no idea why except to think it's all the stress of moving and getting settled, the newish job, the having a mortgage you know life! Nothing is seriously wrong Im just a little out of control right now but Im working on it. Pretty sobering when you realize you had to much fun and didn't save money for bills. Luckily though for me I started putting money into the bank when I first got the house. So Im up about a hundred that will help with the bills.





Mae is having issues at school because of her freaking pants and the fact that she doesn't have a problem with her butt crack showing. I have to get some money from my dad out of my money so after school today we can go running all over hell and back to try and find pants that are elastic waist for her.





I let a friend come back over and he tried to take control of my house. Um hello no! I just got out of that situation lol youre not turning my house into whatever you think you can turn it into. Thats our house, me and Mae.





I think what would help is if I would just go ahead and hook my computer up in the living room and blog offline just so I have a place to put stuff lol.





Though I do admit to feeling better after I F bombed the fuck out of dish network and their people. Tell me how the fuck other people get dish on my street with trees in their yard but I cant. Oh guess what directv works...so i went with them and it costs me less the only thing i dont get is tv in the basement. Thats ok cuz I cant find the damn remote for that tv lol.





I keep meeting inappropriate men lol. Love em but man they are young. Like 25 to 27 lol what the hell is up with that lol. Oh well.





Life isnt horrible and nothing is wrong just a case of the poor me's or some shit lol. Thankfully work is good. I am such a WM girl it's unreal lol. Still liking my job, still doing decent, hell Ive had 2 csm's tell me I would make a good csm...hello a whole extra dollar for a whole lotta headache...but fortunatly i have to be there 6 months before i can apply. Im thinking Ill be ok lol.





Ok so now its time to read blogs and see if my dad has my moolah lol hope everyone is happy and doing ok.

Yet another rant

It's been over a year since Mae has seen or spoken to her dad. Lately though she is bringing him up more and more. She wants to see him, she knows/remembers going to his place for the weekend. She is being mean to me and my friend sometimes about us not taking her and how we have to take her.

I am sick sick sick SICK to death of having to explain to my kiddo the reason why she doesn't see him. She doesn't understand that he is a selfish prick who has no concern for anything other than himself and what makes his life good. I explained to her that mommy told your dad that he had to come pick you up, drop you off, and feed you while you were there. She doesn't get why he isn't coming to pick her up!

How the hell am I supposed to explain it to her when I don't even get why a man who lives in the same town just refuses to find a friend, or pony up cab fare to come get her! I never NEVER said he couldn't see her. I just outlined the ways he could go about seeing her. Because obviously we do not communicate effectivly if at all.

Im just getting tired of having to watch her as she tries to comprehend why someone she obviously loves and feels a need to be around wont come see her. Hell even my dad is making an effort to see her. Next week when she's out of school he is coming to take her to lunch. And thats her grandpa but her dad can't do shit to see her?

Its good to know and sad at the same time that my stopping the bullshit of enabling him showed him for who he is, unfortunatly Mae has to deal with it.

Ok rant over! The house is still rocking out! We now have tv lol but I have to get cable before Thanksgiving since Im having thanksgiving at my house lol. Finally got off my ass and sent in all the paperwork for trying to get daycare assistance through the state. If that comes through then woohooo ill have an extra $300 a month and that will go A LONG WAY to all those extras we all want.

Brenda....i read your blogs and just didnt have enough time to comment on all of them. Bottom line is hes a doucebag who is totally getting everything he deserves and the next chick who he gets to live with him will definitly be an eye opener for him because i dont think there is anyone as understanding and nice enough to stick it out like you did.

Ok time to go read a couple more blogs and to get home. It's field trip day and of course I have the day off so Mama has to go to the pumpkin farm! Mama is having a nice big glass of wine with our leftover chili tonight lol.

Oh yeah and I joined Golds Gym for two months with a gift certificate lol. So now I have no excuse to go home and go back to bed lol. Plus they have a play area for kids so if I can get unlazy on Saturday I can go use their elipticals and Mae can play. Seriously lol id be home sleeping now if I hadnt had to go to a meeting at work.

Have a great one everyone!

House is great, kid is great, dishes are done, I need a swiffer and a rake and a shovel. My dad is bringing the vaccum today , the living room is clean, there are no clothes in drawers yet lol i lost my ambien and ive only drunk 3 bottles of wine. And not all by myself.

The booty call is crazy as fuck lol but thats ok because he's an idiot who is convient for the moment.

My friends are slowly making there way to my house and loving it. The mother is staying away and not calling me.

I still want to know where the other money is that was left over from the grandpa money. Because if it was 14 grand and they only had to put up 12 grand that means theres money. Why cant i have that money!

Still no cable no internet. Had to bring a movie back to the library so I decided to hit the computer. I use my phone but not as often as I would a computer. Facebook sucks but hey I have a house, wine, and everything else I need.

My kids happy, she loves her house and room. Her friend came over yesterday and they are both excited about 2 beds in her room so they can have sleep overs.

I have other friends coming over this week and eventually im just gonna put it out on facebook that its time to party bring some booze cuz I can't afford it and lets drink lol. Bring your kids let them play, dont get to drunk, and if you do better make sure you brought blankets and pillows cuz my bed doesnt sleep more than 3 lol.

And thats it in a nutshell.

Home sweet home

This is going to be real quick because im at the library and I have to go get Mae. The house is fabulous and we are totally loving it. Unfortunatly right now I am nursing a hangover and lack of sleep because well ya gotta christen a house lol. So we drank, had a good time, and then Evan came over lol.

Yup a good time was had by miss heather and poor evan, well if you dont get off before Im ready to pass the fuck out lol then to bad so sad lol. he really is kind of a doucebag lol but i find him very amusing and well hey i want a house to myself and him lol cuz yup it would be on like donkey kong!

Im slowly getting unpacked, my mom is pissed at me cuz of how im moving, and shes just like that in general. i dont care ive lefter her alone now she should leave me alone lol.

Well not much else to say except work work work and bills bills bills and i have food in the house finally!

Eventually Ill be back back but for now ive wasted the half hour before Mae gets out of school lol. Have a great one!

It's a mad mad world

As you know my mom and I had a HUGE blow up. Today it went to a new level of insanity! We had the final walk through of the house and I even put a pic up on facebook. After that my mom and dad are all like we have to talk to you.

Oh what the fuck now? Seriously isn't everything all fucked up as it is? So it seems that the amount of money needed for this deal lol didn't quite take up all of my inheritance. They came up with a plan for the rest of the money. While I wouldn't mind having more money lol I do like their plan. They thought they should get me a big flat screen tv for the new house. Yup I'll take it! However...isn't there always a however? However, my muffler/exhaust is making seriously bad noises and it should be fixed before winter. Especially since my new garage is in the alley and Iowa gets winter. So my dad says I should be able to get the tv and my muffler fixed.

Did I mention that my house payment is so low I can afford cheap cable? No net, but cable would be nice lol.

So later this afternoon my mother calls me. Considering the way things have been, even with the tv announcement, I choose to not answer the call. She called a little later and I again chose to not answer the call. I have voicemail and text if she really needs something. Well she wants me to call her. Dutiful daughter that I am, yes thats partial sarcasm, I called her back and more insanity.

She wants to know if Mae and I want to go out to dinner with her. Maybe go look at the tv blah blah. Then next thing I know she's crying because Mae and I are moving out and blah blah...seriously you were just bitching me out 2 days ago.

The new garage is getting put up and things are changing all over the place for everyone. Tomorrow the work starts and it sucks. Maybe after its all said and done I'll be more excited but right now all this does is make me want to puke lol.

Yes I'm excited but the sheer weight of the responsibility sucks. Before I could fuck up, I was young enough to have time to make up for it. Now..nope I have to be more of a grown up then the kid I am lol. But that's ok because so far it's not been a bad gig. The pay is much better too lol.

I'm a little crazier then usual right now and poor Dawn has gotten the calls. I figured call the sick girl try to cheer her up with my insanity. Ohh and she's really nice about letting me be a big whiny ass lol.

Anyways the library has the net, my phone gets facebook, and I have text lol. I won't be too far away lol but its going to be a whole new ride. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Not even close

I am not even close to being packed up. Hell as it is Thursday afternoon will be the last at home online I get for awhile. Unless of course I can figure out how to swing 20 bucks a month and go with the phone company's high speed net. But right now I'm afraid to go that route because I don't know exactly how much a change this is going to be in the money. Hell as it is lol all we are going to have is a dvd player for tv. I am not spending money on a converter box and dealing with all those issues. We can just live without tv for a little while. It definitly won't kill us.

I havn't even picked out my paint yet. I do have a new red garbage can...though no bags for it yet lol. I am all kinds of unorganized and not ready for this move lol. So basically tomorrow I need to make a big huge mess in the living room with all the laundry. Then make an even bigger mess out of mine and Mae's rooms just to get rid of stuff and to get ready to go.

Lucky for us we really don't have a lot of stuff. We have clothes, beds, a computer desk, computer and tv, and of course dishes. But really we don't have much of anything. It will be a pretty easy move. The hardest part will be painting the walls. I'm thinking that if we move all my shit over Saturday then we will be there Saturday lol even if it's not finished lol.

I'm not ready for this. I mean I am but it brings up so many emotions. Then the whole division of Grandpa's stuff. Yes i know it's not my stuff...but damn it lol it's my stuff. We are all psycho over that man lol, life or death he still gets to all of us. He was loved!

Work is going good. So good in fact that at least 2 sets of customers remember me and liked me enough to give me shit cuz i wasn't all bouncy lol. Ive got shit on my mind lol give me a break lol.

The boyfriend became a non boyfriend due to his own stupidity. It took Mae a couple weeks to notice he wasn't around. So that's all good. I've picked up a booty call but it's the worst booty call in the history of booty calls lol. He somehow thinks its ok for him to call me to come get him to have monkey sex at 2am. Ok if I didn't have the kid...cool, if i didnt have to work..cool...but um i am not wasting my gas for booty lol. If you got to drunk to drive your ass over for hot wild monkey sex then too bad so sad! I'm not chasing that. Though it was very flattering to listen to what he had to say all i could do was laugh. He's 27 and he could be fun lol if he can get his shit together lol.

Ok so what shouldn't have bummed me out just totally bummed me out. I lost my plates! Damn it i know all of the stuff here isn't mine but seriously theres a plate my mom is giving my sister and it pisses me off. My mom is seriously standing here ranting next to me and giving me a real hard time about this shit and shes talking to me about how i should be thanking her because of everything. I am not allowed to feel what i feel. I cant even have my own emotions and leave and stop something she follows me. I have thanked her and thanked her im not going to debase myself any further!

I am sooo fucking tired of all these fucking bullshit games my mom plays. Fuck seriously? And then tell me how to live in my house, what i can do in my house and what i should do and just be a bitch to me. She went without she this she that. She didn't do or say anything because it required an effort. Hell you want me to kiss your ass you better think again. I have said thank you. I had to be yelled at over 6 dollars and I had/have to repay 700 bucks that was actually mine to begin with!

I am going to miss that plate! The dishes are hard for me to part with because I used them my whole life. My mom says that means nothing because she used them too blah blah...um it is something to me and Im important. If anyone needs to be thanked its Grandpa because he's the one who worked all those years at John Deere to provide for his family! So thank you Grandpa for my new house!

Ok now im so pissed lol that i lost my train of thought. I'll probably have to blog tomorrow too because there are going to be words at this house! Words I tell you!!!

And im supposed to be excited lol