He's home and in bed sleeping, or at least trying to go to sleep. I'm pretty sure he is happy to be home.

Tomorrow we are going to my moms house. Katie stayed the night to stay with grandpa.

I'm exhausted and I'm on my way to bed.

Ok so my post wasn't nice. But I think I just need to get over everything and really realize that I am forever going to be the one who has to be the strong one. I think that maybe that's part of why my sister is pissing me off so bad right now.

I don't get to say oh I can't deal or I'm sick or I have the kids, or just whatever and not have to deal with the situation.

I've already been told by my mom and her that when the time really does come...It's up to me to be there.

Seriously?

I guess that also since this is expected of me, being the strong one, it pisses me off that they still find things to get on me about. The one that I really truly like is about finding a job in my field. Still waiting for the bullshit from my marriage to leave my record. They want me to have a job job. Yes I want one too...but do any of them ever stop to think what that means if I do?

That means I won't be here with grandpa. When anyone calls and he doesn't answer...I won't be a call away to find out where he is. I do a lot to keep my mom sane where grandpa is concerned.

I want to have a pity party in reality, not just here in my blog. I want someone in my family to hear how this is for me. I want to have the luxury of breaking down. I don't have it now and I'm not going to have it.

God, I'm sorry I'm so whiny, I'm just tired of being the strong one. I'm just tired!

Today makes day 9 that I have been to the hospital every day. I'll be sitting there for hours. I'll also be EXPECTED to sit there after everyone else goes back home. I am not complaining about my grandpa. I am complaining about my sister!

I get on facebook this morning and people are asking her what's going on with grandpa. How is he doing, and so on. No, I'm not bitching because I'm not the center of attention. I'm bitching because the way she answered was like she had been there.

And the fact that My sister helped a ton. FUCK YOU! I have done more than help a ton. I have been there for every fucking thing! EVERYTHING! And your bitch ass couldn't bother to just get the fucking hotel room and go back to see your grandpa!

But you sure the fuck can jump in when the crisis has pretty much passed.

I don't care about the recognition. I care about the fact that I have sat up there and done my duty as a daughter and a granddaughter but she is here for the procedure and gone. OH wait she is going to be looking after him at my moms house. OH yea he's getting better and now your are a bigger part of it.

I'm just fucking irritated. Oh and facebooking me last night about Katie. FUCK YOU YOU DOUCHE! Like I don't know how to take care of a cut, like I don't know to look for an infection, Like IM GOING TO DO SOMETHING TO HURT KATIE!!

I really dislike my sister. It must be nice to be able to live hours and hours away and just come for the important part and leave because your sick. I need to stop before I get more worked up.

God, seriously, and she's the good daughter!

It looks good! They should have grandpa FINALLY sitting up. He has been on his back since about 9 this morning.

Right now they are watching the wounds because they were swelling but they don't hear any bleeding. He ate before we left and was loopy from the percocet tha Katie and I decided he should have. We're happy with it because they have to push on those wound sites for upwards of 20 minutes at a time when they do it. And he wasn't feeling any pain. Yay narcotics!

This morning was really rough for me. I was breaking down on the phone, I was very unsure of any decison I made. I even did a prayer blog here, but blogger decided it had to go down just as I pushed publish. My prayer was a real and honest prayer. I believe that the prayers that are answered are the honest ones. I was real and honest about how my prayers were for my own selfish reasons and said some stuff. And I cried as I did it. It's nice to be able to breathe.

My sister and the family made it to moms house about 330 this morning and then were up to the hospital a bit before 9. Mom called me to see what we were doing this morning and I was a wreck and asking her what she thought about Mae coming up to the hospital instead of going to school. I just didn't want to have her in school and not with her grandpa if it was going to be the last time she saw him. I would have felt awful guilt for a long time.

Through my tears and trying to get myself back to the strong one I decided that Mae was coming to the hospital. I'm glad that she did because she got to sit with grandpa in bed before he went to his surgery. He should now be sitting up. He's been on his back since about 9 am and they said he could sit up at 10pm.

Mom called while we were up there and then the nurse said to us that they were coming to get him in a minute. Mom was told that the procedure would be about 10am and they were just getting to the hospital, literally like pulling in. I called mom back and she freaked out and was calling my sister. In the time it took for us to hang up the phone the lady was there to take grandpa. I freaked out! Mom wasn't there. Noone was there but us!! This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. We were supposed to take a picture of grandpa with baby Myah!! I called mom and she freaked out. She didn't know where to go, what to do, how to breathe!

I told her to take the B elevator to the floor and take the long walk and ask them to escort her. Grandpa, Mae and I walked down. As I'm trying to not feaking lose it all over again and in front of grandpa. I told the lady hey go slow and look in every waiting room for them. She understood. Now it's a long walk from his old room to the unit that we needed to be on. I told her I'm sooo going to get yelled at, my mom is going to yell at me. Now we all know I have no control over anything but I know my mom and she would have found a way to make it mine.

THANK YOU LORD JESUS! As we walked down the hall the last double doors I saw my mom. I pretty much screamed there's mom!! I'm not getting yelled at!

We got through the doors and mom was on grandpa. Then there was Brianne and bad mom that I am, pulled Katie right up. I'm sorry, but I know what it is like to lose a beloved grandparent. I lost my grandma when I was real young, I know! Then the other kids came up and they got baby Myah out and on grandpa. I got the picture mom wanted and then one of the group. Except I wasn't in it, mom pointed that one out and was sorry. It was ok, I'm the picture taker...I'm not in a lot of pictures but I was there.

We had like 15 or so people in this itty bitty family waiting room. Everyone has come up to see him except one brother who doesn't live in state, and a brother from out of town who doesn't drive or something. But that's not unusual. We said a family prayer and mom and Brianne cried. Hell my mom even talked to my cousin Mary Ellen and she hasn't talked to her in YEARS! Been in the same room, and same conversation...but has not talked to her.

My nephew Logan gets car sick and was throwing up. The girls were loud as hell. Katie sat semi queitly, the rest of us talked. My sister ended being sick from both ends because of all the caffine and energy drinks on the way up. I won't apologize for the bullshit I'm about to spew!

My mom can get a hotel room for 50 bucks. My sister decided to drive the hour back to my moms house with the kids because she was sick. I looked at her and was like why don't you get a room today, go get better, and COME BACK AND SEE YOUR GRANDPA WHO JUST GOT OUT OF FREAKING SURGERY, WHO YOU CAME UP HERE TO SEE FOR MORE THAN 20 FUCKING MINUTES!!!! Noo she wasn't going to do that, they might do it tomorrow if they keep grandpa. EXCUSE ME!! I have been up here with grandpa for a week! I have been doing all this with moms help. I have been stressed out, depressed, and just plain fucked up in the head for a week. You are here for an hour and have to leave and only see your grandpa that long?? Oh fuck that bullshit! If it was me, I'd have had that hotel room and slept til I felt better and been back at the hospital to see him. Guess since he is going to mom's house that that is the best time to see him. Ok maybe it is, but I disagree. AND THEN I became the biggest selfish bitch I could be!

First I said to Katie (this isn't the selfish part) that I hadn't gone and gotten our rings and maybe we could go get them while people visit. I asked my sister if we could, because you know im going to run off and do something bad to katie, and she was ok with that. *selfish part now* Then when the going home with the kids came up, I jumped the fuck up and was all...Hey Katie can stay up here with us if she wants. I will take any opportunity I can find to be with Katie without everybody else. OMG they said yes. So as I type this my girl is in the next room working on sleep.

The bestest bestest part of Katie being here! She is grounded from her cell for 2 weeks. Brianne doesn't like her being away without the phone blah blah blah. Bitch doesn't want to be able to not ask her what we're doing and is she ok, is everything ok, blah blah blah. I'm so nice. I told her hey um hello I have a cell phone. You have the number, you can call the number, I can hand the phone to Katie. Whatever I HAVE MY KATIE FOR THE NIGHT!

We went for lunch, picked up my check, she went for a carousel ride with Mae, and we got our rings. And a laugh at poor Mae who was not having any of the Easter Bunny lol. We went back to the hospital for about 3 hours and got grandpa all changed and percoceted out lol.

They gave him the percocet for the pain when they pulled the line out of his groin area. After they gave him that he was having some funny visions. The holes in the ceiling were either dancing or bugs moving around. It was funny. Poor grandpa but he didn't have pain when pushing on the sites.

Ok so I just lost my train of thought and I've noticed I'm begining to ramble, badly. So I'm going to end this with...Grandpa is doing ok, they are looking at the swelling in the sites, and right now we don't know if he is coming home tomorrow or thursday.

All is right in my world tonight, and I'm loving it!

Not Good

It's not good. I am working my way into my own meltdown but I don't get to have it until I get off work. I had a mini one on the phone with one of my besties, but I was able to hold it together. Tonight will be a half a xanax night for sure!

As you know I slacked off and played online for a bit before going back to the hospital. I'm sure glad that I went and picked Mae up early from school. They didn't come and take grandpa for close to one, so Mae had a good chunck of time to lay in bed, under the covers no less, with grandpa. We went downstairs to get some lunch because they said it was still going to be awhile. Halfway through lunch I look up and they are taking grandpa zippin down the hall. Mom ran after him with Mae and I picked up our lunch stuff.

Then got totally lost and a nurse helped me find my way to the waiting area. We finished lunch, watched some tv and then the doctor came out.

It's not good news.

Excuse my lack of medical technical terminology. So you have 3 arteries to your heart. One in front, and one on each side. I can't remember which side they said which was on so just bear with me.

When my grandpa had his first heart attack almost 16 yrs ago it left one on the side blocked. Well that one looked pretty good. Go figure! Well the one on the other side is 100% blocked. Yea we had a mini freak out, but the doctor stopped it by telling us that he wasn't so worried about that one because it looked like it had been that way for awhile because it had grown or whatever your does to help itself new ways for the blood to flow. Then we come to the kick you in the fucking gut, shoot you in the gut, and drag your ass out to the woods with a trail of honey part.

The artery that runs in the front of your heart......99% blocked. That's the one that gives you the big heart attack. This gives you two options. Open heart surgery or putting in stents. Both procedures have good and bad points. But that OHS is the bad one.

The doctor did his best to explain to two stressed out women and a 4 yr old what all would happen, could happen, this, that, and the other. He did really well but we were both left in just fucking shock, awe, and disbelief. All this time the chest pains that he has been having is because of this.

I'm a tad pissed off at his regular doc at the moment, because he told us it was ok, there was nothing they could do, that he's almost 90. Well fuck that! My grandpa could have died and we wouldn't have known that he had a chance. Ok so maybe I'm being dramatic....I've earned it.

I called my friend and I broke a little bit. I'm not breaking yet or I won't be able to stop. I need to cry and vent and process. That way I can get back to let's do this thing Heather.

I told my sister, and then my cousin because we needed to ask her if she would come and sit with grandpa tonight. She's coming. I didn't like telling her because she really loves my grandpa. My sister on the other hand I give myself a lot of credit for because in the back of my head all I could hear was " Tell her what a bitch she is for keeping the kids away, tell her how much you hate that grandpa misses the kids, that you can take your fucking car to branson but not to iowa, how when I asked for katie so she could see all of us you said no, etc. etc. etc.." I did real good and I just told her what was going on.

I left with Mae, obviously, because grandpa was pretty out of it, mom was staying til 6, and I needed to get Mae home for a bit before work. Oh yea, I needed to not be there in case I lost it.

Just like usual the minute you leave the doctor comes back up. The surgeon was there and we have taken OHS off the table. It would take grandpa months and months to get back to himself and it's just not advisable due to his age and kidneys. So we have decided on going with the stents.

I don't know and I don't care....JUST MAKE MY GRANDPA WELL SO HE CAN COME HOME TO ME AND MAE!!!! Sorry mini meltdown. There are risks for his kidney and stroke with the stents. I just am so scared and unsure. But I don't get to show it because I am not allowed that luxury. It's ok because one day I will be allowed and thank god I have the friends I have.

It's not good, but I guess it's not horrible. I just don't want to be the one to tell grandpa he can't drive anymore, that I'll be the one doing the laundry, that depending on how this goes he may even lose the one job that I know he considers his...taking out the trash. He just lost the job of cutting the lawn...he doesn't mow...he cuts the grass!

Thank you for your prayers and support....I just have to remember it's ok to still live my life even though my grandpa is sick. (hope that didn't come off as selfish)

I dropped Mae off at school this morning and then went to the hospital. Looks like they aren't taking grandpa til about noon. So I came home to shower and get ready for work. Yea I fucked off and played on the computer.

I just really want to escape from reality for a little bit. Yea going out was good, but I want to just be able to sit around on the computer, lay in bed, and just not answer the phone. 2 weeks and I'll be able to do that, unless of course I have to work Saturday night lol. I don't want to have to think about a thing, just be brain dead all day.

Im leaving in just a minute to go pick Mae up and we are going to go back to the hospital and see grandpa before they take him in.

I hate reality lol. But I am forced to live there so Ill make the best of it. Ahhh hospital and work what a fun fun day!

Delayed Blogging lol

*waves hi to Dawn* Giggles* Kinda funny that usually I'm the one waiting on a blog lol. I do so love your blog. As the title says...delayed blogging lol.

As you know I am STRESSSSSSSED lol and Dawn, I don't know how you didn't go to that clocktower....the waiting is the bitch. AND we took your advice to keep ourselves ok lol.

Grandpa is doing ok, the angiogram is scheduled for sometime Monday. I worked Friday night and me and mom got the scheduled fixed for the days that would work for Grandpa coming home. Im waiting for my boss to ask why I told him I needed Monday off and now I'm working Monday lol.

I have spent every day since this started at the hospital for MANY hours. I was able to get a couple small, very small, breaks in this week. Well yesterday Mae had her first swimming lesson and after I took her to see Grandpa. Well she didn't last more than an hour and a half. She needed to be out of the hospital. She had a good time with my Great Aunt n Uncle, but she needed to be able to just play without being shoooshed. I took her to her dads and hit the hospital again.

EVERYONE but me thought I was going home for a few hours. I didn't know that was allowed! I thought I was supposed to come right back. Well I ended up going home and was supposed to be back at one time and totally missed it. I set my freakin alarm wrong. BUT I did get a pretty decent nap in.

We stayed with granpa until 7 and then My Wonderful Mother whipped out the credit card and we went out! OMG I needed it! We stopped at one bar to see my cousin and I had a vodka cranberry.

Like the last time I drank that tasted soooo good. Too good, enough for me to slowly drink my drink and only have one. When they taste that good, that can mean trouble. And I was responsible for not only me but also my mother. After that we went to another bar to get food and my mom a Blue Moon. She reaaaaaaaaaaaally loves her Blue Moon. We had food, and drinks, listened to the band. And two of my friends showed up to drink with us.

I had to run home and pick something up, so my mom walked across the river back to the hotel with my friends as escorts lol. Ohhhh it was funny and cute. My mom is almost 58, had on her shoes from Paris France, and was walking across the river on a Saturday night lol. I told her later lol must have been like when she was a kid. Downtown used to be the shit lol. I told my friends that they were not to let her fall down, fall in the river, and not walk to fast! She was walking better then them lol. Personally lol I think it was a collective effort lol.

I called my sister to tell her to call her mother and ask her what she was doing. I THOUGHT IT WAS CUTE AND FUNNY!!! My sister was laughing right along with me. THEN MY MOTHER CALLED! I guess what was funny when she was on the phone with me wasn't funny when she was talking to my mother. My mom wanted to know why i called and i was like it was funny and blah blah.

I get another call on the way back lol from my best buddy. He's like your mom misses your dad, get here!!! LOL sometimes taking care of my mom can wear on you if your not used to doing it lol. (ok that sounds bad, but its not like its an all the time thing just enough that you know what to expect when the person parties) I told him Im pulling up right now!

Get in there and my mom is all happy because for once they have Blue Moon on tap. My friend is telling me how my mom stopped on the bridge and was arguing with my sister lol. Ohhh it was funny.

So we partied and went up to the room and pow wow'd. My friends left and our destressing(maybe tipsy drunk)selves went back to the bar to wait for my dad. He works 2nd shift and thats about an hour and a half away from town. He got there and the party continued for a little bit.

Mom thought her room had a couch in it and I was going to sleep there. No couch...I was sad, next thing I know mom is asking if i want a room. Hell yea! I ended up in the room across the hall from them.

It was a good night of destressing and was needed. Now I'm taking my break from the hospital and will go up there this afternoon with Mae for like 4 hours and then bring her home because she has school tomorrow.

Whewwwww we are almost to the procedure and maybe some answers.