I dont know if anyone reads this or not, but i write it like someone does. Is that weird? I dont think so because personally its ok if noone is reading what i write. Its not like im a writer trying to be noticed.

I just thought maybe it was a little weird that i write that way. I think that it helps me process things when i write them like that. It at least helps to get everything out.

I must confess im obsessed with blogging. I always liked to write, i just hadnt done it in so long. I wouldnt know how to write a poem if my life depended on it. Though i know i can whip one off if the mood hits. My blogs will always be personal and will always talk about my personal life.

Ive gotten to a point in my life where if im afraid to put down truth or speak truth then im doing something wrong. I dont have anyone to impress in my life except my daughter and when employed my employer. Everyone else can pretty simple kiss my tush and move on in their day.

I think the nice thing about the transition to a new blog is that you can let go of some of the bullshit from yahoo. Lets face it we all loved the drama and the ability to find the drama. I dont even know how to begin looking for interesting things on here, though im sure ill find something.

When i was thinking about drama and blogs, it got me wondering. You know all those attention whores out there, who blogged about how damn horny they are. How damn sexy they are. How they got this dick and that one. What is going to happen to our free entertainment? Where are they going to go and peddle their old tired wares?

Im sure though that it wont be hard to find them, you know how men love free pussy and all. I just wonder how lost they will feel without an audience. Having to build one from scratch.

Oh its a sad sad day for the old attention whores. Lets take a moment and mourn the loss of free entertainment.

Lack of

There is lack of trust and communication with Mae's dad. Thats why i have so much trouble with her spending time with him. Now that its imperative that we speak and try to hash out some kind of working relationship, i just cant bring myself to do it. I dont have the energy, patience, or time to deal with the inner workings of what he calls his mind.

Mae is having her tubes put back in, tonsils and adnoids taken out, and while i dont need him there for the surgery, there is a possibility i will need him for a few days after the surgery. Because of the lack of trust and communication i cant talk to him about it.

There is the possibility of a job on the horizon. Thats why i asked people to cross their fingers for me. However the person who is in charge of hiring can be wishy washy at times. Well this isnt one of those times i can be flexible with wishywashy.

I have already talked to them about the wednesdays i need off by 5 or 530 the latest. I have already talked about wanting the day of and the day after the surgery off. When starting a new job its hard to do it with stuff going on.

Well i told my friend that the bottom line is i would work. I have to work. I need the money. I never intended to sit on my ass for the rest of my life. It would be nice if they could start me the week after Mae's surgery. Truth is, i can see them not doing that.

So what i wanted to do was ask the kids dad to take 3 days off that week if he could so if i get this job Mae could go to his house instead of daycare. The problem with that is he doesnt deal with change AT ALL in a positive manner. He doesnt understand that life changes, life happens, and sometimes it happens many many times in a row!

I was talking to my friend and telling her if i could find out what this guy is thinking it would be good. My girlfriends that i talked to about this have said the same thing....Oh fuck...youll be the bad guy if you ask him to take the time off and then turns out your not working!

How crazy is that? I know its a maybe, but hey it would be 3 days of vacation, though we all know thats not how he would take it. It would be taken wrong and i would have done something yet again.

I have no doubt that my daycare provider can care for Mae after her surgery. She has her own kids and has been a daycare provider for a while! I just think its shitty that because there is no trust and communication that i cant ask for this.

I cant ask for this because of our crap and his crap. I get that life happens, that its full of uncertainty and that you sometimes take time off and dont get what you want! But then again this is the same man who said he was taking a week of vacation and didnt want to see mae because he wanted time to himself.

Its a catch 22 and it sucks. Im trying to do whats best for Mae and me. Its hard when the person who is supposed to help pick up the slack is so rigid in his sense of the world. How do you deal with that? The easiest way is to just not, and thats what ive been doing.

However life sometimes tells you that you cant do that. Now im faced with the dilema of trying to figure out a way to ask this and when/if it backfires that im not the bad guy, im not the fucking bitch, im not the myriad of things i have been called.

God being a parent sucks! I know everyone gets and understands that so im not going to elaborate lol.

Ive started the accumulation of food and stuff for Mae. Yesterday i got her 12 bottles of gatorade to start, a big box of popsicles, pudding, jello, and ill be getting the apple juice and sauce, and more gatorade and jellos, but i think i got a good start.

Im not worried about the surgery(yet) but i am concerned over the recovery period! This is when the scabs form, when they get tired of not having real food, when the scabs itch and i want to make her drink.

Thats what im worried about! Surgery is the cakewalk, the recovery is the oven.

Le Sigh....such is the life of a mom.

Greetings

I was thinking when i decided to use this blog that isnt it funny that the three blogs i have all were started because of a man. The first blog i started was toward the end of an online relationship, the second was the start of another relationship, and the third, this one, when i met a new guy. I guess then i shouldnt bitch about the lack of men in my life lol.

With that i welcome you to this new blog. As you can see the entries start about 3 months ago and since yahoo has seen fit in its infinite, obviously, man wisdom to shut us down, here we are!

Nothing is going to change with the way i blog because its the way i blog. I just hate that yahoo is shutting down the one service i use as much as i have my messanger on. I enjoyed reading all the people i had added and it sucks that im going to lose many of them in that infinite man wisdom.

Well this wasnt supposed to be grumpy it was meant to be welcoming. Again welcome and enjoy the new home.

No decision to make Saturday night! The combination of drinking and headbanging took its toll on John. Brigitte and I had to take him home because he got sick and had to much party!

There was a huge fight with me and my mom and that freed up my sunday. John had said lets get a hotel in an earlier text this week and i had declined. Well obviously he didnt know that i was thinking of saying hey lets, or else im pretty sure he wouldnt have just let loose like he did.

I was totally into letting loose! It had been a month since i had gone out and done anything and i needed it!

I dont know what my problem is. John is a really nice guy and i like hanging out with him. Im cool with the hugs and kisses, but come to sex and i just want to hide. I dont know if its because hes a big guy and ive never been with a big guy, i dont know if im just stupid, i just dont know.

I know that im not as sexual as i used to be it seems. I dont pleasure myself and i just dont think about it. I used to be a masterbating fool, but i stopped a few years back because of lifestyle stuff. Now i dont know whats wrong. I cant seem to kick start my sex drive.

Im pretty sure that id like to at least try sex with John but i really have no idea how to have sex with him. First hes way tall and hes a big guy. I dont have any idea how to make the parts fit! Im scared to have sex with him i guess, but i dont know why. But its really putting a damper on things.

I also am smart enough to know that you cant really progress anywhere without the sex part. Sex is important to me and id hate to hate the sex and be stuck in that kind of relationship.

He also wants to take Mae and me on vacation. I dont know why, but im not really feeling it. Im not as comfortable with it as i should be.

What the hell is wrong with me??

Its date night again and this time, i have lots of drinks to drink and decisions to make lol

Im a bit disappointed tonight! Its ok though life happens, and it was nice to see that life happening isnt cause for traume and drama!

This week was 2 months of seeing John and this is the first week that we wont be hanging out. This morning Mae woke up at 137 in the am and i was treated to vomit and a 103.7 temperature!

I am very concerned about Mae but i am disappointed that the weekly dates got a hiccup this week. We were supposed to go over and have supper with John. I asked the doctor about it and she told me 72 hours is best and since there is a 1 yr old where he lives, that Mae absolutly shouldnt go over.

The whole time though im making sure to get a reason/excuse from the doctor. Leftover bullshit from the kids dad. It pisses me off that i still feel like i have to have a reason that can be checked and verified and to prove im not being a bitch or whatever!! Its not fair that i cant get rid of all the past bullshit. Im trying very very hard and sometimes i think im doing better then others.

Im just glad though that John was understanding and there was no trauma drama to come out of it. I need to keep telling myself that John needs to have his own fuck ups with me unclouded by other peoples fuckups.

Gawddd im telling you this really is tougher then it should be and its all because of my baggage. Plus i really really think its time we sped up the whole physical aspect of this thing!! He needs to hurry up and actually decide on a place to live! Though im thinking lol that going out all the time will end, but thats ok, we can watch a movie!

Tamales! Ohhh how i love tamales! Heck when John was getting over being sick i wanted tamales so we had mexican, poor guy! Then we went for lunch with mom yesterday and i had to take a tamale home.

Well John had hoped that the pool would be open at his house by next weekend, and had invited us to go swimming. Looks like it wont be and thats ok because the weather is crazy. He texted me a bit ago asking if i wanted to have lunch on Saturday and he would cook.

Last man i was with who cooked i swear i gained literally 80 lbs! This man likes to eat and cook! I texted him back that anything without coconut and raw onion was fine by me. I get a text back saying how about tamales?

*jaw hits floor* IS HE FREAKING INSANE!! I understand that he has been enjoying the tamales and he has seen me enjoying the tamales, and hes definitly seen mae enjoy my and her tamales lol. I texted him back that if they were from a restraunt sure lol do you know how much work they are? i dont want you to go to a lot of trouble.

OMFG tamales are WORK, PREPERATION, PLANNING, and um WORK!! It can take 2 days to make them. You have to make the meat and shred it. You have to soak the corn husks. You have to make the masa. You have to spread the masa on the corn husk, fill it with meat and then roll it up. Then you steam them bad boys.

Now typing it it may not seem like a lot of work, but ive read the how tos on it! I havnt even attempted to make them and im all up for trying new things! I wonder if i should then offer to help him make them? I probably should, but i dont really wanna cuz i can see me throwing a steam pot out the damn window without it being opened from the sheer frustration of spreading and rolling!

Ohhh dear lord! Why couldnt he have said hey lets just grill out lol...the continuing saga in the dating world lol