Permanence. That's the conversation I didn't have today because I'm all pms girl. Or maybe I chose to ignore it and not acknowledge it.

But I'm really starting to get a clue that he doesn't like even the joke of not being together. 

He's all excited about us moving in. I am too but it's going to be a big change.  

I'm just scared that I'll let myself be too happy and it will disappear.  I'm not easy to live with and I know me.

Anyways..... permanence.... scary.

Seriously i thought we had the job figured out. Extra running today to get the job and they haven't done the paperwork or started the payroll card. 

We went from way happy to irritated. Seriously just do your job so he can get working. I can see he isn't happy with not working. That's why we've been hitting it hard.

Just what is needed more stress. Joys of adulting. 

Another day another color I didn't quite choose lol. 

I've been up since 430. It's surgery day for "dad". So we're sitting in the room waiting for them to take him to surgery. 

What I didn't expect is the sheer anxiety and horrific feeling in the pit of my stomach. I thought I was over my grandpa experience but obviously I'm not.

It will be a fun day with anxiety. But I brought my xanex so I can grab one as needed. 

I'm the other half according to his dad lol but the fun will really happen when Isaacs brother and sister get here. 

Life needs to cut us a little slack because I'm starting to get exhausted from all this excitement. 

Have a great day and Brenda I'm glad crystal got to hear what her uncle said.

Ok so once again life is hitting us HARD! Went to work at 3am and  about a half hour later I checked my phone and there's a message telling me Ron fell and possibly broke his hips.  Turns out its a leg break and we might be moving his dad into maes room before she gets home that way he has a place he can get into.

Told Isaac you keep joking about marrying me...well you just might have to if I'm going to be around and need to leave work.  Father in law trumps boyfriends dad. 

But fortunately I had all my work done way early and I didn't take too much shit for it.

So now it's on and we gotta get this done. 

I have a boyfriend who freely admits he comes with a damaged goods label. Ok well so do I. But to have him speak so openly is a good thing.  It means we're communicating.

I'm very glad that we can talk. With all the time we're spending in the car job hunting we get to talk. Sometimes it's funny and light hearted. Sometimes it's dead serious.  Our honeymoon period is seriously jacked up.

Tomorrow will be a serious one depending on how the interview goes. Totally not cool to add shit to what could be a shit mood. If that's the case I'll just wait. Only because it's the money talk.

Yes he's been great about making sure everyone is taken care of but I have to be able to understand his money system. That way I can figure out how to work with the money so bills get paid.

I don't mind doing the money but for fucks sake we just had 2 major financial burdens hit at one time. And I have to remind myself this is my boyfriend and not a husband. 

See I still have most of my wits about me even if I'm falling faster and faster.  There's just something about a man who wants you next to him. Who doesn't want to let go when you're cuddling on the couch. Who puts his hand on your thigh while driving. 

I think I'm moving from last to love. So until I get all the way there I won't be initiating the I love you at the end of a call or dropping off.  It will do us good.

So I also 5 days in wrote him a letter. You know the high schooly letters you passed in the hall. Tonight I wrote him a big one and folded it like high school lol. After I give it to him I'll ask what he thinks and if he likes them I'll write if not I'll just blog lol.

I like him I really do. I hope our demons can play nice and that our crazy matches. I'm ready to be sharing a house on a full time basis. I don't know how this will go. But from what he's shared he's a long term kind of guy so I can work with that. Plus I hate him as much as I hate my loves lol so that's good.

Donut shift in the morning so it's time to let the meds do their job and put me out.

Much love 

So 5 days ago he said I love you. Today he said it again.  I took a long pause before replying. 

This is so strange for me. I haven't gone without anything since I met him. Life is throwing tons of things at us. Yet we just keep chugging along.

I love you sweetheart.  Wtf is that shit? Of course I want that. But man I really like to sabatoge. 

I guess I'm just going to have to go with it lol. Though we did have the conversation about not telling me to go play,party or have fun with my friends lol. I get kissy  when I drink. So tonight I was told no kissing no touching lol etc...I was like I'll be good I'm with girls . Get me with the guys and I act like one lol.

Well I think it may be Netflix and chill time.

Ok so I never know what color I'm going to get because I'm on the phone lol.

Lots going on.  Big changes for me. It's crazy.