I'm sitting here procrastinating AGAIN! This time i dont want to take my meds. There's nothing to do and nothing to keep me awake. I just dont wanna go to bed now lol.

im used to keying down for hours after work not after only being home less than an hour lol.

though i am mulling over something the kids dad said. Ill ask him next week, but he offered to take mae on a day if i needed someone to take her. now im pretty sure thats applying to mental health issuse.

The question becomes does my birthday equate to a mental health issue? Is is worthy of him taking her after school on that day or not lol. im hoping yes. I think i know what  i want to do and i know where and who to do it with. Though my ride home probably wont attend the party lol.

i really want to party on my birthday and i have the time off already. Ahhhh i can almost taste my birthday lol.

I don't have a lot to say though Im pretty sure I do have a whole lot to say I just cant get it out of my fingers. so today im going to be a complete lazy slob who's gained a whole ton of weight back and do nothing.

i need to get back to work and be around the real people. talking to the voices i hear sometimes doesnt seem like that good of an idea. but what do i know. Oh yeah i took every psych and therapist apptmnt i could this week. I was told good job and petted on the  head.

i made my mom cry twice because of me this week, wasnt intentional. i  just dont think she gets the whole bi polar thing and that some little corner of her brain still thinks im just fucking around. dear god i wish i was fucking around. i wake up two ways...good mood or pit of rage in my stomach. i prefer good mood. but for those days that i feel rage ill have fmla to get out of work. thank goodness cuz i cant fake it for 8 hours lol.

everything is good im just bored to death and i dont want to hang out with my friends, just wanna be a blob in a blog lol

$1 Bottles

I'm broke! I have no money but the mortgage is paid. I also have friends who work and have money on Friday. They new where $1 bottles were at.

Since It's been MONTHS since they set eyes on me guess who got invited out! Yup me and they killed my ass lol that or the butter crowns bit me lol.

They had to send me home. OMG it was nice being out with my guys! Now the puking later part sucked ass lol. Well dollar bottels and a couple shots plus a can of soup will do that.

Now its not even 8 in the morning and  I dont have to work til 3....a nap is sooo in my future but man i had FUN!

She's home!

Yay my girlie is home! Bathed and clean and full of happiness. I invited him in because I didnt want to text everything i wanted to talk about. I have to get over the fact that the girlfriend watches her Friday night while he works but since he works 3rd shift I can't bitch.

To be honest I don't even want to bitch. I just want to say if she is curious about me be an adult and come to me don't stalk a social networking site because those things don't tell the real story.

She's going back next week and it looks like a permanent thing. Crossing my fingers. At least until she's old enough to want to spend nights at friends houses then we will deal with that.

So mission accomplished a good visit. I just have to remember and try to believe in what he says when he says the war and battles are over. Excuse my hesitency on that one,,,, but time will tell.

Now I have to wait for my hospital psych dr to fax back my fmla papers and THANK YOU LORD JESUS i was covered for real title 19 and wont have to pay the bill. Though with all the tax money ive put in the system I feel a bit entitled to a free stay lol.

I dont know much of anything but i do know that in 2 days i havnt had any suicidal thoughts which is an improvement over last week when 3 out of oh hell lets be honest all week i thought of ways to off myself.

Maybe its the nature of the beast or maybe i just havnt gotten all my meds adjusted correctly. We'll get there though just hard to adjust to everything ya know.

Brenda...your doing a great job with the girls...i say if your capable of taking them in tell them to call cps themelves and tell them they dont feel safe there but there is a safe place for them. Sorry our phones dropped the calls.

Well im going to enjoy haha this instant cup of coffee and pray for real coffee tomorrow maybe lol

Sometimes aware isnt even enough

In just a couple hours me and 2 friends will be going to the viewing of a friend we lost in a motorcycle accident. We've been talking about what to wear and finally we decided he wouldnt want us all dressed up..just come as you are and bring a drink lol. Im really almost certain it would be those words.

They were able to get some help through the VA, my mom rocks at her job!

He had 2 little children at home and grown if not almost grown children and i know his partner and mom are losing there minds.

My cousin was a great friend to him and is broken up.

We have all known this man for at least a decade plus. We've known his partner Beth from almost the get go.

I hate losing people but damn why all the ones that make you laugh and smile and are the life of the party.

i wish his family nothing but the best.

Soooo stupid

Ooooo how stupid I am! Turns out that the person keeping tabs on me is dj's girlfriend. WTF really? And now hes taking her to lunch to tell her the ground rules. Um that should have been done a long long time ago!

But back to the soo stupid. I contacted who at home we call Jackass2 in an effort for Mae. Why I felt i had to do it today i dont know. oh wait cuz his girlfriends following my movements!

He played it just like I knew he would....you know all my fault blah blah. Whatever just pick a time to see your kid while Im in a semidecent mood. Hell he could have come and taken Mae out to eat with them, but i guess that didnt occur to him.

HOWEVER I am not taking any responsibility for him not seeing her in 2 years because while he was quoting me the email he left out all the other stuff that was in there. He knew he had the option of seeing her. Jackass2 choose to not see her. But thats typical obviously.

But now I guess Ill have to let him  pick her up on Friday because her school is down the street.

Yup I went stupid again, lets hope its for the best of Mae!

Today is one of my bad days. My meds which i thought were kicking in, arent. Ive been depressed so much today that i couldnt do anything. Pacing, laying down, sitting up, trying to read, trying to play games. I just couldnt do it.

Tomorrow my friend is coming to get the bright shiny knives out of the house. Yup they are looking bright and shiny again so they need to go.

I dont know whats wrong with me but today i woke up and just couldnt function. I think I was scared to be diagnosed because then I would have to do something about it.

So I called a friend of mine and she talked with me for a bit and will be here tomorrow.

Mae is growing like a weed. Shes so smart and sometimes i think its only her that keeps me here. I would hate to leave her because well shes my love my life my everything.

Ok so im done with blogging tonight because even it has lost its appeal. Oh and hello to my ex who is keeping tabs on me...still dont know the why for that one lol.