I'm broke! I have no money but the mortgage is paid. I also have friends who work and have money on Friday. They new where $1 bottles were at.
Since It's been MONTHS since they set eyes on me guess who got invited out! Yup me and they killed my ass lol that or the butter crowns bit me lol.
They had to send me home. OMG it was nice being out with my guys! Now the puking later part sucked ass lol. Well dollar bottels and a couple shots plus a can of soup will do that.
Now its not even 8 in the morning and I dont have to work til 3....a nap is sooo in my future but man i had FUN!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
She's home!
Yay my girlie is home! Bathed and clean and full of happiness. I invited him in because I didnt want to text everything i wanted to talk about. I have to get over the fact that the girlfriend watches her Friday night while he works but since he works 3rd shift I can't bitch.
To be honest I don't even want to bitch. I just want to say if she is curious about me be an adult and come to me don't stalk a social networking site because those things don't tell the real story.
She's going back next week and it looks like a permanent thing. Crossing my fingers. At least until she's old enough to want to spend nights at friends houses then we will deal with that.
So mission accomplished a good visit. I just have to remember and try to believe in what he says when he says the war and battles are over. Excuse my hesitency on that one,,,, but time will tell.
Now I have to wait for my hospital psych dr to fax back my fmla papers and THANK YOU LORD JESUS i was covered for real title 19 and wont have to pay the bill. Though with all the tax money ive put in the system I feel a bit entitled to a free stay lol.
I dont know much of anything but i do know that in 2 days i havnt had any suicidal thoughts which is an improvement over last week when 3 out of oh hell lets be honest all week i thought of ways to off myself.
Maybe its the nature of the beast or maybe i just havnt gotten all my meds adjusted correctly. We'll get there though just hard to adjust to everything ya know.
Brenda...your doing a great job with the girls...i say if your capable of taking them in tell them to call cps themelves and tell them they dont feel safe there but there is a safe place for them. Sorry our phones dropped the calls.
Well im going to enjoy haha this instant cup of coffee and pray for real coffee tomorrow maybe lol
To be honest I don't even want to bitch. I just want to say if she is curious about me be an adult and come to me don't stalk a social networking site because those things don't tell the real story.
She's going back next week and it looks like a permanent thing. Crossing my fingers. At least until she's old enough to want to spend nights at friends houses then we will deal with that.
So mission accomplished a good visit. I just have to remember and try to believe in what he says when he says the war and battles are over. Excuse my hesitency on that one,,,, but time will tell.
Now I have to wait for my hospital psych dr to fax back my fmla papers and THANK YOU LORD JESUS i was covered for real title 19 and wont have to pay the bill. Though with all the tax money ive put in the system I feel a bit entitled to a free stay lol.
I dont know much of anything but i do know that in 2 days i havnt had any suicidal thoughts which is an improvement over last week when 3 out of oh hell lets be honest all week i thought of ways to off myself.
Maybe its the nature of the beast or maybe i just havnt gotten all my meds adjusted correctly. We'll get there though just hard to adjust to everything ya know.
Brenda...your doing a great job with the girls...i say if your capable of taking them in tell them to call cps themelves and tell them they dont feel safe there but there is a safe place for them. Sorry our phones dropped the calls.
Well im going to enjoy haha this instant cup of coffee and pray for real coffee tomorrow maybe lol
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Sometimes aware isnt even enough
In just a couple hours me and 2 friends will be going to the viewing of a friend we lost in a motorcycle accident. We've been talking about what to wear and finally we decided he wouldnt want us all dressed up..just come as you are and bring a drink lol. Im really almost certain it would be those words.
They were able to get some help through the VA, my mom rocks at her job!
He had 2 little children at home and grown if not almost grown children and i know his partner and mom are losing there minds.
My cousin was a great friend to him and is broken up.
We have all known this man for at least a decade plus. We've known his partner Beth from almost the get go.
I hate losing people but damn why all the ones that make you laugh and smile and are the life of the party.
i wish his family nothing but the best.
They were able to get some help through the VA, my mom rocks at her job!
He had 2 little children at home and grown if not almost grown children and i know his partner and mom are losing there minds.
My cousin was a great friend to him and is broken up.
We have all known this man for at least a decade plus. We've known his partner Beth from almost the get go.
I hate losing people but damn why all the ones that make you laugh and smile and are the life of the party.
i wish his family nothing but the best.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Soooo stupid
Ooooo how stupid I am! Turns out that the person keeping tabs on me is dj's girlfriend. WTF really? And now hes taking her to lunch to tell her the ground rules. Um that should have been done a long long time ago!
But back to the soo stupid. I contacted who at home we call Jackass2 in an effort for Mae. Why I felt i had to do it today i dont know. oh wait cuz his girlfriends following my movements!
He played it just like I knew he would....you know all my fault blah blah. Whatever just pick a time to see your kid while Im in a semidecent mood. Hell he could have come and taken Mae out to eat with them, but i guess that didnt occur to him.
HOWEVER I am not taking any responsibility for him not seeing her in 2 years because while he was quoting me the email he left out all the other stuff that was in there. He knew he had the option of seeing her. Jackass2 choose to not see her. But thats typical obviously.
But now I guess Ill have to let him pick her up on Friday because her school is down the street.
Yup I went stupid again, lets hope its for the best of Mae!
But back to the soo stupid. I contacted who at home we call Jackass2 in an effort for Mae. Why I felt i had to do it today i dont know. oh wait cuz his girlfriends following my movements!
He played it just like I knew he would....you know all my fault blah blah. Whatever just pick a time to see your kid while Im in a semidecent mood. Hell he could have come and taken Mae out to eat with them, but i guess that didnt occur to him.
HOWEVER I am not taking any responsibility for him not seeing her in 2 years because while he was quoting me the email he left out all the other stuff that was in there. He knew he had the option of seeing her. Jackass2 choose to not see her. But thats typical obviously.
But now I guess Ill have to let him pick her up on Friday because her school is down the street.
Yup I went stupid again, lets hope its for the best of Mae!
Friday, August 3, 2012
Today is one of my bad days. My meds which i thought were kicking in, arent. Ive been depressed so much today that i couldnt do anything. Pacing, laying down, sitting up, trying to read, trying to play games. I just couldnt do it.
Tomorrow my friend is coming to get the bright shiny knives out of the house. Yup they are looking bright and shiny again so they need to go.
I dont know whats wrong with me but today i woke up and just couldnt function. I think I was scared to be diagnosed because then I would have to do something about it.
So I called a friend of mine and she talked with me for a bit and will be here tomorrow.
Mae is growing like a weed. Shes so smart and sometimes i think its only her that keeps me here. I would hate to leave her because well shes my love my life my everything.
Ok so im done with blogging tonight because even it has lost its appeal. Oh and hello to my ex who is keeping tabs on me...still dont know the why for that one lol.
Tomorrow my friend is coming to get the bright shiny knives out of the house. Yup they are looking bright and shiny again so they need to go.
I dont know whats wrong with me but today i woke up and just couldnt function. I think I was scared to be diagnosed because then I would have to do something about it.
So I called a friend of mine and she talked with me for a bit and will be here tomorrow.
Mae is growing like a weed. Shes so smart and sometimes i think its only her that keeps me here. I would hate to leave her because well shes my love my life my everything.
Ok so im done with blogging tonight because even it has lost its appeal. Oh and hello to my ex who is keeping tabs on me...still dont know the why for that one lol.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Thank you very much anonymous. Well it's either one of two people and the names i threw out gave a facial change in the lady. Hello I'm your friendly DHS worker! I have never had DHS in my house except once when someone said we were making meth, unfounded of course!
So today I get DHS in my house and it's funny when you can see the a ha moment on the workers face. Supposedly 6 years ago i hit the ex in the head. Um yup I remember hitting him in the head...not with a fist but a frying pan when he had me backed into the kitchen.
Lucky for me I am a good parent and my child is surrounded by those who love her. Hell she forgot dj was her dad because she considers another man her daddy.
Oh and just because I forgot about him and dont look for him doesnt mean he forgot about me. I hope that whatever i write here keeps you as up to date as youre willing to be where Mae is concerned. Sadly when I told the worker about the "demands" i had she asked well when does he see her. Had to tell her he was to busy being a martyr and blaming me for everything to see the girl. Not my problem.
BUT from what it sounds like I have nothing to worry about. However if I was him Id be worried since someone hasnt paid all their fines and such.
Just remember people when you do something for an actual good reason things happen that are good. Pulling stunts like this does nothing but make the other person stronger and you more pathetic!
So today I get DHS in my house and it's funny when you can see the a ha moment on the workers face. Supposedly 6 years ago i hit the ex in the head. Um yup I remember hitting him in the head...not with a fist but a frying pan when he had me backed into the kitchen.
Lucky for me I am a good parent and my child is surrounded by those who love her. Hell she forgot dj was her dad because she considers another man her daddy.
Oh and just because I forgot about him and dont look for him doesnt mean he forgot about me. I hope that whatever i write here keeps you as up to date as youre willing to be where Mae is concerned. Sadly when I told the worker about the "demands" i had she asked well when does he see her. Had to tell her he was to busy being a martyr and blaming me for everything to see the girl. Not my problem.
BUT from what it sounds like I have nothing to worry about. However if I was him Id be worried since someone hasnt paid all their fines and such.
Just remember people when you do something for an actual good reason things happen that are good. Pulling stunts like this does nothing but make the other person stronger and you more pathetic!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Welcome Back
It's now a full week since I hit the crazy train real hard. I've always been honest about wondering if i was bipolar. nobody would listen and so i kept living with the depression.
Well the last psych appointment ended up with me behind locked doors for 6 days. 6 days that so far have made a world of difference. However I do know that I can never go to jail because yesterday kind of sucked because i had to do things and go places when all i wanted to do was go home and get reacquainted with no restrictions lol.
This is the short version of the story because the long one has been told already. I got a change of meds at that psych apptmnet and it was a bad reaction. So i ended up in the psych unit but now so far the meds have made a difference.
i scared myself and people i love and all i can say to them is sorry and i have but i needed to be seen and have someone listen to me about whats going on....however the med search is killing me becase its 170 a month for my meds, i dont have them...but ill find a way to pay for them.
i wake up a little groggy but thats what coffee pots are for lol. but i feel better, still axious as hell but im feeling much better.
and i even had a huge screaming meltdown that ended with this big guy being restrained after i yelled at him and then was all for him coming to beat me...that was my rage day and i obviously wasnt thinking clearly. then i ended up with ice water n a cup thrown at me...i couldnt go off because they wouldnt get out of my way lol and i wasnt gettin restrained so i just seethed but calmly.
i cant go anywhere i tell ya lol but i did pet the fish! I know see even more proof of my new diagnosis lol.
All jokes aside I really do feel better. Today I started my day and did all my running before anyone was up lol.
now the mission is to keep the meds at a good level without having to be hospitalized again.
Well the last psych appointment ended up with me behind locked doors for 6 days. 6 days that so far have made a world of difference. However I do know that I can never go to jail because yesterday kind of sucked because i had to do things and go places when all i wanted to do was go home and get reacquainted with no restrictions lol.
This is the short version of the story because the long one has been told already. I got a change of meds at that psych apptmnet and it was a bad reaction. So i ended up in the psych unit but now so far the meds have made a difference.
i scared myself and people i love and all i can say to them is sorry and i have but i needed to be seen and have someone listen to me about whats going on....however the med search is killing me becase its 170 a month for my meds, i dont have them...but ill find a way to pay for them.
i wake up a little groggy but thats what coffee pots are for lol. but i feel better, still axious as hell but im feeling much better.
and i even had a huge screaming meltdown that ended with this big guy being restrained after i yelled at him and then was all for him coming to beat me...that was my rage day and i obviously wasnt thinking clearly. then i ended up with ice water n a cup thrown at me...i couldnt go off because they wouldnt get out of my way lol and i wasnt gettin restrained so i just seethed but calmly.
i cant go anywhere i tell ya lol but i did pet the fish! I know see even more proof of my new diagnosis lol.
All jokes aside I really do feel better. Today I started my day and did all my running before anyone was up lol.
now the mission is to keep the meds at a good level without having to be hospitalized again.
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