Yay it's Sunday and that means a day off for me, from my job! The work has begun and mostly been completed.

We made it to church and the question I keep asking myself is...when do I get to pray for me? When do I get to, or is it appropriate for me to be asking God for things for myself? It would be so easy to go to church and when I pray to ask for a better job, better weather, a car that doesn't want to die on me, help with patience...you know that whole list of things you want to pray for yourself to have. Every week I go and I'm not complaining because what I pray for is what is truly needed.

I am not taking credit for this by any means! BUT I have been praying the last few times for my friend Brigitte. She is sick and has some mental health issues and the money for the medications for her health problems is staggering. So I've been praying for her. The other day one of her daycare clients gave her a Christmas card with a $1000 in it. She called me and told me that and we both went omg, what? The first thought we both had was she doesn't have to worry about her medication for almost two months because of this gift.

I have also been praying for my friend Kimmi who just moved into a new home and while she can afford the home, things are tight. I pray that her and her family will be able to find the way to afford everything they need.

Today I was praying for two of my customers at work. They are adopting a baby from Ethiopia and are just waiting to find out when they can bring him home. Ooo he is the cutest lil baby. He is 6 months old and they are over the moon waiting. Yesterday they said they weren't sure if it would be this month yet or maybe January for them to bring him home. I told them I would pray for them to get him home this month because lets face it, babies are always a good thing. So I prayed for them.

But when is it appropriate for me to pray for myself? Or maybe that's what Church is all about, being selfless and wanting the good of man over the good of yourself. Now don't get me wrong we aren't going without, but there are things it would be nice to have happen. But in the long run, it feels right to pray for others and not for myself.

After church we, ok I, came home and cleaned the house. I am a firm beliver that your house shouldn't take you more than an hour to clean. Unless of course you have a mansion and then thats not going to happen.

On my list of chores today I had sweeping,mopping, vaccuming, dusting, dishes, laundry, the bathroom, and something I'm sure I've forgotten lol. Well I've gotten everything done but the mopping.

I was going to be lazy and forget the laundry til that damned ol Facebook got a hold of me. My cousin's husband posted about how fun laundry is. Damn it to hell lol, if they could do the laundry then I could be unlazy and do the laundry. Sooo Ive got the laundry done.

I have decided though that the mopping is waiting for tomorrow morning when Mae is at school. that way I dont have to deal with her trying to walk across the clean floor.

So now that I have all my chores done I am going to enjoy the rest of my day reading, watching tv, and later a movie with Mae.

I love my day off, but damn could I get just one where it's truly a day off lol.

I love Facebook. My Facebook however isn't about collecting people. For me Facebook is for my real life. My family, my friends, and the people from the internet that I have "known" for a long time and are "real" people. I havn't met all of them, but I have had enough interaction over a period of time to know that they are "real" people and in the "real world" I would hang with them.

As we all know Facebook is about as juvenile as you can get and still be an adult. We play the games, we do the surveys, we tag the pictures, and we stay connected to family. Now we all know that families fight, we all know that friends fight, we all know that we sometimes put bullshit out there that is pure bullshit, that's meant to incite a reaction, and things that you just shouldn't put out there.

Compound all that with the fact that as human beings we are judgemental people. I don't care who you are but I will you call a liar to your face if you dare try to claim your not. It's in our nature to be judgemental. I will give a little wiggle room on that by saying there are different levels of judgment and while you may not be as judgemental as person B, you are still judgemental.

I sometimes do things on Facebook for my mom. She has added some people who she didn't want to remove because you know how it is, you delete someone and it comes back to bite you in the ass. Why did you delete me, you didn't have to do that, blah blah. You know what I'm talking about. Some of the people that she added she was sick of seeing their posts. I went ahead and just blocked them from showing up on her screen. They still show as friends, but she doesn't have to see their posts. In this instance it was a family member. Now in my opinion that's how you should handle it. If you don't like what they are saying, they are posting to much, you think they are childish...whatever the reason, just do that. Don't cause drama by deleting them.

Well tonight I did my best on there to not cause drama in the family. I was doing farmville and looking at everything people had posted and I came across something my family member had posted.

"I read a lot of non sense on this thing called FB, and I am so glad my two oldest kids have made great choices in their lives, I couldn't be more proud of them!!!"

It goes on to say that his boy is coming home for Christmas from the navy and his little boys are excited for him to come home. BUT that was written by my cousin. I know about the nonsense he is talking about, well at least some of it. BUT why would you write something like that?

There is only one reason, to hurt your family and to brag about your family. The thing is, while your hurting your family your showing what an ass you are. I almost commented on it. Because I know things aren't all rosey in his house! I go to church with his mom on Sundays, I've met his wife/girlfriend I don't know if they're married or not. BUT I know!

So common sense took over and I put my own lil facebook message out there. Remember the rule to live by is if it doesn't say your name then it's not about you and if you think it's about you then that's your issue because only the writer knows who it was really about. Yes I know that's what I should live by too, but I have a really good "idea" of who and what he is talking about and the way I read it, I'm going with my gut.

So I put out there Using facebook to hurt your loved ones is a shitty thing to do. Doesn't make you look any better than anyone else out there.

And I think that was the right way to handle it. Because when I read what he wrote I just wanted to smack him. We all use facebook to vent, to laugh, to cry, to hear bad news, to hear good news, to spread the word. Yes some of us say things we really shouldnt most of the time. Personally I try to keep my stuff pleasant, yes I have my days where my posts are not all roses and sunshine, but then what life is?

I just figured I should come over here and blog this before I accidently on purpose respond to his post. Yay for self control!

Let's try this again. A couple days ago Mae decided that she didn't want to clean her room, she didn't want to pick up her stuff, and she in general wanted to be as mouthy as she could be.

Mama had enough. I have threatened to take her tv away but never did it. You know sometimes just the threat of taking something away works; until it doesn't.

Well we got to that point a few days ago and while my crying and screaming Mae watched, I the big bad mama, took out the tv. She watched me undo the cable, unplug the box and pick that heavy sucker up and take it out of her room. The whole time begging me not to. The whole time I was telling her well then you shouldn't have done this this this and this and you should do this this this and this.

Oh you would have thought I killed the kid. Hell she's only had tv in her room for a couple of months. BUT I am not going to have my child be disrespectful to me or any other adults because she thinks that she can just do what she wants and then flounce to her room to watch tv. UT UH NO WAY! We all know parents who raised their kids that way and we've seen what they become.

She's been doing pretty good about not mouthing and picking her stuff up since then. Sooooo we are trying it again. Today while she was at school I went and hooked her tv back up. The nicest thing about it was that I didn't have to reprogram the channels. Thank god cuz its an old tv and sucks to program lol. So she has her disney, nick, abcfamily, pbs, and cartoon network. We will see what happens with the attitude.

BUT I am all prepared to take that bitch right back out of her room if she decides to be a royal brat!

I went to the grief counselor today and decided that unless I need to I won't be going back. I have other issues that aren't grief related that are being taken care of with other professionals. I love this guy he was so nice. I told him what had happened and ya know it's nice to have not only my friends but the professionals telling me I'm doing the right thing.

NOW the hard part! How do I ask my mom to come to Mae's school program and not kill each other and have to talk to each other about anything. I'm wavering on asking her because while I can avoid subjects she likes to poke them and pick them. Maybe after talking to my sister I'll have a better idea. I don't know though, I just don't know.

Oh well if I'm the only one there for the program at least someone was there!

I'm off to chill out while listening to the rain and praying it stays rain...no ice no snow PLEASE!!

It's sunday again! That means church in just a little bit. Some weeks church is my saving grace. I get to go and pray for those that need it, try to pray for me, and spend an hour with my Great Aunt.

Last weekend we didn't go because I just couldn't get my ass motivated. Funny thing though, Mae woke up and was like it's time to go to church with Aunt Berta. Ahhh the power of church and hanging with the Great Aunt.

Last week somewhere, some how I lost 10 pounds. What the hell is that all about? Well since I have a great start on losing some weight, maybe someone is trying to help me out, I will have to get out Miss Leslie and let her whup mine and Mae's butt. That's the nice thing about working out at home, when I do it, Mae likes to do it with me. So it's a double good deal. Though Leslie kicks my butt til I want to cry lol.

Remember my post about the girl who tried to friend request me? Well I asked my friend what the hell that was about. Guess what? No, he didn't ask her or the other girl to do it. Guess what, yet another blog about how she was the victim....but the story had changed YET AGAIN. So now I've read and heard three different accounts of what "actually" happened. Yeah, when you lie it's hard to keep them straight. He asked her why she did it and Ooops she thought I was someone different. HELLOOO same picture that's always been up on that site. I called bullshit, he called bullshit and then if you don't like us don't read us. Well if you invite me to your site, if you try to get my attention; you don't get to bitch about it when you get what you want. Suffice it to say, I'll be hanging with my friend and I don't have to hang with her.

Yesterday was pretty nice. We went and spent some time with my friends and just chilled while the kids played downstairs. It's nice having friends. Especially friends who live right around the corner from you and you don't have to travel to see them. Plus taking chocolate cake along helps out too lol.

Xanex is my new best friend! It works a lot better than the ativan that I was on before. It seems to take effect quicker, and it seems to help the anxiety MUCH better. It's hard for me to get prescriptions from doctors. I don't know why that is. If I'm in severe pain I get told tylenol. If I'm in moderate pain, tylenol. After surgery, tylenol. It's like I went to the doctors and always tried to get pain meds or anxiety meds. I have never been one of those drug seekers so I don't know what the deal is. BUT I know have the xanex and when I feel the anxiety start I get out a quarter of a pill and pop it. Not long after I'm feeling better. The tightness in my chest is gone, I feel like I can breathe easier.

The doctor wants me to take 3 pills a day. There is absolutly no way I can take 3 pills a day. For whatever reason a whole pill will knock me out. A half a pill I can function for a little bit then I'm ready to snooze. But a quarter of a pill does the job. I know people that take them recreationally but jeez I don't know how. Do I want to know how? Not really. I've taken them before, semi-recreationially, but at bedtime for sleep.

My car tried to die on me! I have a coolant leak somewhere so I will have to keep an eye out on that. My dad and Katie came to town yesterday to go see his mom and Mae and I tagged along.

We went to WalMart because Dad wanted some of these storage containers. He was going to get me a set for Christmas, BUT I found something even better that was NEEDED.

Child support only goes so far in paying the bills, getting food, getting gas, and entertaining Mae. Some how this month, even with the holiday, I got child support on time. Well there went the phone bill and I was going to buy Mae this $14 coat they had. Well thank you Black Friday! I found a coat that was originally, and the day after, $35 dollars. It's a real nice coat with a zip out liner so you can wear the inside during the spring. Well after paying for antifreeze and the coat, I had a choice to make with the money. But Mae the $15 dollar snow pants, or put food in the house. Seriously, it shouldn't be a hard choice to make, but if you have kids you know it is.

My dad and Katie walked up as I was trying to coat on her and I asked my dad, Hey for Christmas can you get Mae a pair of these snow pants. They go outside at school in the winter lol she needs snow pants. He asked how much they were and said yes! Oooo thank you to my daddy!

After we went to see his mom, he had to stop at the bank. Ahhh the bank that is right next door to the Fareway! He dropped me off and I got the last $30 I had in groceries. Funny he saw the pizzas, that were on sale btw lol, and I was like look we have 3 lunches to get through til I have those all important food stamps lol. I think he forgot to look at all the white packages I had too lol. Bought stuff for spaghetti, meatloaf, and beef stew, ooo yea and the yummy yummy roast I had cooking at home.

It was a pretty good week, if you minus the freaking panic attack that sent me screaming into see the psych doctors. I don't feel bad about going to see them. I have a lot on my plate and I have a lot of stress that I just can't deal with on my own. I'd rather go see someone then sit here at home, like some people do, and ignore the fact that while I'm ok, I could be better.

Well it's off to church we go. Have a good sunday everyone!

One holiday down, one to go! I've already got a place lined up for me and Mae to hang out at on Christmas. Mom decided when Grandpa died that we should have Christmas at the house. I don't know what happened to the house, but I think it's shrunk. I remember there being lots of people for a holiday, but now...there are just way to freaking many of us to fit into the house.

How do I know this? Because last weekend I threw two of my closest friends a dinner birthday party. I made meatloaf, mashed potatos, corn, and best of all a triple chocolate fudge cake with triple chocolate fudge chip icing! There were four adults and two little girls (4 and 5) and it was a squeeze. So much so that I had to ask my oldest friend if she could possibly leave the two teenagers at home because I had no idea where I was going to put them.

My mom has invited, including her and my dad, like 15 to 20 people. I have no idea how they are going to fit in here. Plus if she wants the kids to eat in the living room she better buy a damned sheet of plastic to put on the floor. In the summer you can get away with that many people because for the most part we hang outside. But Christmas? Yea, I'm not holding out much hope.

Anyways back to yesterday. I fought all day with myself about going down. Like I said, I really really didn't want to go. But I got up took my medication and chilled out for a while. Got up, got the two of us ready, picked out enough clothes and then sat on my ass. That's when the text messages started lol.

Are you still coming? Are you coming for the 1 to 3 like you said? Dad says he will bring Mae into town so she can stay the night. So I jumped on that one lol. I'm sorry but a little break from Mae is always welcome. Come on she's four and four year olds don't know how to STFU lol.

Drove the hour down and the car was fine. Driving the hour back the car decided it wanted to work on over heating and oh yea NO HEAT. Maaaan, I tell you what!

But I got down there and said hi to my dad, my uncle, kissed all my neices and nephew. Said happy thanksgiving to my mom. Ooo did I forget to mention that I had to take part of a xanex 20 minutes into my trip down. Its only an hour drive!

As I got closer to the 15 minute mark of the trip I could feel my chest getting tight and I could feel it just rising. I was a smart girl this time and my medication was in my purse. I stopped at a stop sign and broke one into 1/4ths and by the time I got there I was feeling better.

I'm glad I only stayed long enough to have a smoke and give my uncle and sister the pictures I had for them. My mom said hi but wouldn't look at me. Then she sat at the other end of the house. Let me tell you, AWKWARD! Mom and dad went to do something and I figured I'd make my escape then.

I didn't even have a beer with my Uncle because I was leaving so soon.

I kissed everyone good bye, hollared bye to Katie who was in the shower, and then to my Dad.

I get outside and here comes my dad. He tells me happy thanksgiving again and that it will be ok. I looked at him and told him I hope so.

I knew that my mom wouldn't be able to handle it and I knew it would be awkward. So I'm glad that I left and she got her house back. Hopefully since I didn't go to Thanksgiving and I have no intention at this time to be here for Christmas she won't tell me I can't go to the hotel in February.

My three good sets of friends are going, wouldn't it suck ass if I got uninvited?

So thanksgiving at my house wasn't all bad. I made some hamburger helper, I watched tv, and I freaking slept off and on til I finally went to bed. Sometimes I think the whole not sleeping thing is what makes the anxiety and depression worse. But now I've got a grief counselor, a therapist, and a psychiatrist who can help me process all that I have going on.

The funny thing is, is I know what I'm supposed to do. Hell the therapist just kind of laughs and says your right that's what you should do. But my mother...ahh my mother disagrees. Good to know the person with the degrees says I'm doing a good job at avoiding the conflict.

Anyways...that's about it. I'm going to either take a nap in bed or hit the couch with the remote in hand. Wait for Mae to get back and then just chill. I think I may have enough money left after getting gas to rent a movie. Have a great weekend.

Today has just been one big emotional day. I was really not prepared in any way for this day. It was probably one of the crappiest days I've had.

Though, it wasn't all bad. I did talk to my sister. She did some talking with mom and of course it wasn't pretty. Mom denied saying what she said. Brianne didn't stick up for me, she just stated the facts. You can't stick up for anyone with my mom, but stating the facts is a very fine line between them. I didn't want her to stick up for me, I wasn't talking to her to use her as the go between. I just needed someone to talk to.

I know that I needed to apologize to my mom for THE WAY I said what I said. I won't apologize for saying it because it's what I believe. She called tonight while I was at work to apologize and she didnt mean it the way I took it. She sounded sincere. I don't want to fight with my mom. I love my mom. But I can't be around her for extended periods of time face to face or on the phone. I did apologize for the way I said it.

They want me to come for Thanksgiving. I don't want to go. I really really do not want to go to my moms house. I have to go though. It's not fair to Mae. I'm doing a shitty compromise, but if we do go, we can go for a couple hours and get home before dark. I want to be with them, I want to stay the night. I just don't trust myself to do it. Am I blaming my mom? No, this is about me not her. She doesn't get it.

My sister gets the reasons and that it's not to hurt my mom. My mom doesn't get that. If I wanted to hurt my mom this isn't the way I'd do it. Hell I don't even know how to hurt her lol thats how much thought ive given it.

I have to figure out how to go and not go insane. But truly I don't want to go. I want to stay home in my pajamas and rent Mae a movie and do nothing but just breathe.

My mom has always been like this Brenda, just not to the extreme she is now. Yes I know she is grieving, but damn it, pick a better target, pick a different target.

I had my appointment this morning and was so upset and spilled so much that before the time was even up, she had me in with the prescribing doctor.

So now I have prescriptions for prozac and xanex. Im supposed to take 3 xanex a day for the anxiety and the prozac for depression once a day. I'm hoping they help.

How bad is it that you have two grown daughters; they are both in therapy, and both of their therapists tell them they need to limit their contact with their mother? That the only way for us to get better is to limit contact?

Its crazy to me, but what else is there?

The doctor told me today that if I was abusive then I wouldn't be worried about it. That I would be blaming everything on someone else, I wouldn't feel all upset, and I would just go on. I guess that makes me feel better, but then I talk to my sister.

She tells me that mom says she never said that. Again how very convienent that my mom says she didnt say it so it must be true. First thing my mom asked her was how big a bitch I told her she was. I didn't tell my sister that, I told her that I told mom she was being a mean bitch. My mom is never going to change, and she will never accept the change within me. So I need to limit the contact I have with her.

My sister says she will try to be there, but she has a life. I just think that sometimes I cant be the only one trying.

I have to get through the holidays and get through the grief, but i don't have to feel like I do. The therapist said I was right in the leaving that I do, the not talking about something I dont want to. That yes of course I have issues, but I can't take on someone else's issues.

So the cycle of medication begins, I really hope it works because I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to do blogs about how I just want to not wake up. i want me back, or at least the best me I can be since I dont have that one man in my life who made it all ok. Thanks Brenda, I know what you mean about losing that one person. It sucks ass on so many levels that we shouldnt have to be dragged through someone elses'