If you follow my facebook you know that last night I did a weeee bit o drinking lol. Said in my best Irish brogue.

Once again, no hangover. But in return for my great night lol I get a sick kiddo. She woke up about 8 and said she didn't feel good. Called her in sick to school. If she is saying she doesn't feel good, and I can hear her coughing, and her nose is all boogered up, I can belive she doesn't feel good. Why send a kid to school who doesn't feel good. She likes school so it's not like she is trying to stay home. That will come later lol.

The teacher completely understood and agreed don't send a kid who already feels bad to school. Good thing I didn't! After I called her in to school, I checked the redbox to see if they had any movies. If your going to be sick, be sick doing something you like. Found the movies and then went to the store for juice.

I didn't have any apple juice, just some strawberry banana and if she gets sick I don't want to see that! Well I was going to buy her some bananas for her but before I could get them picked out a stock boy, Mae, and I were running for a garbage can. Left my wallet and stuff right there in the cart lol. Ran back for my stuff and the girl was talking to Mae. I didn't see any puke, but yea calling her in was the right thing to do.

I'm trying to decide if we should do movies in mama's bed, or out in the living room. Thinking the living room because then she can have her apple juice with 2 straws and ice.

With all that going on my mom is having a day, which means I'm going to have a day. Did I say thank you yet for not being hung over? If not, Thank You! Because she then wanted to talk about the house, the money, the this, the that and I didn't want to! I don't like talking about this stuff with her. If I don't agree right away then I have to listen to her and there is always a possibilty of a fight. I've gotten a lot better at telling her I don't want to talk about it, and trying to steer the conversation to something that doesn't make me want to scream. My bad, I'm sorry Grandpa; but I've taken to throwing in there a " And then Grandpa up and died on us" or " Who knew Grandpa was going to up and die" and that seems to make her laugh a little and move somewhere else. Humor is a good deflecting tool.

So she's trying to find out if I'm going to want the money from the house NOW. I keep telling her I don't want to talk about the money because the more we do the more it seems like we're reducing Grandpa to money. And she flipped out the first time I said that and told me never to say that again. But sometimes truth sucks and I told her today I don't want to be one of those families that fight over the money and stuff. Hell she's talking about when she dies what to do with the house. Um, IN MY OPINION, the right thing to do is leave it to me. She says well your sister and ya know I wasn't going to leave you guys anything but maybe a thousand dollars the rest is for the grandkids. Um, thanks mom...it's a state run nursing home for you. Yes, I said it lol.

I had to reassure her that if I was going to leave here it would be at tax time, you know when I get rich for about two months lol. That I wouldn't ask for all the money right away. I get that she couldn't come up with it right away. Why would I want to put a financial burden on my mom? AND I get to live in the house that we aren't selling! I'm good! If I need something, and I mean NEED something, then I would ask while living here if she could help me out and take it off my inheritance. Otherwise...I'm good!

Then she wanted to know how long I wanted to live here. And the answer made her laugh, but it's not for me that I want to stay here for it's for Ryder. I told her 14 years. That way Mae can go to school in a decent district, live in an area that hasn't changed much in all the years that Grandpa was here, she has a good yard, and when mom and dad move back here she will have what I had. That extended family to make sure you do what your supposed to.

Yea, I have no problem living here with my parents. Mom said what if you get married. Well then I would move, but again I wouldn't be asking for all the money right away... I'm assuming that if that were to happen I would be in a place where I could still say I'm good!

I just want to tell mom to just give me til it's been a year before you start busting me about not looking for work harder than I am. I just really really really want to get through this first year and then hit it hard. I want to be able to have the flexibility to do the things that we do. Mom doesn't seem to understand that this job gives me more flexibility in a schedule than any other job out there. She wants me to do things at the drop of a hat, well if I had a different job, I wouldn't be able to do that. She is missing her dad, my dad works 2nd shift and is now working saturdays. She's alone! She feels alone! I get it, but she has to realize that my changing jobs will change my availability to her lol.

This weekends road trip is off. Mae is getting sick and really....I attract trouble and I could see me finding it. Especially out of state and all lol. But on the 16th we're going to the hotel with my mom and my friend and her daughter. We are going to do something like a trial run for Mae for February. Mom wants to invite my cousin and I don't care, but I'd rather not lol. But I get why she wants to and she should. It's going to cost me 25 bucks, but it will be a good time!

And I think in 2 weeks I'll have a day away from Mae! Yayyyy! I might ask my friend to take her to Sunday school but I dont know. I do know that I have to figure out how to get religion into that girl. I believe in God and I think she should at least be exposed to it so if she wants she can believe. Just because we say Heaven, and Angels doesn't mean she even knows what they are. How can we tell her Grandpa is in Heaven and with the angels and she has no idea what that is. Just words we are saying.

I don't know, I tell ya what though. I don't need to be in the bar drinking lol. Because I've turned into one of those drunks who gets weepy and loud and ooo my poor friends lol. So staying home is a good thing! Burnt arm and all.

Today(yesterday lol) I am trying to not get Karma on my back lol. I am trying to not wish that my dad has to work on Sunday. Because if he works on Sunday I get to make a 4 to 5 hour drive for a really good time. The sucky part would be the 4 or 5 hours back lol.

BUT I am trying hard to not wish that on my mom. But if I do get to go lol I have to make installment payments to my friend for watching Mae while we are gone lol.

My cousin(ex) is turning 50 and his kids, my beloved cousins, are throwing him a party. My mom and dad both want to go but he had to work last Sunday and he's like me not taking any more time off work unless we have to.

So I'm torn between wanting to go and wanting my dad to go. I never get to go out of state for the fun. I'd love to go, but let me tell you lol, I kind of dont just because of the loooooong ride.

Oh well, if I get to go yay, if not oh well.

BECAUSE

My mom wants to take me and a friend to the hotel on the 16th to give Mae a trial run at the hotel. See how she will react and behave and blah blah lol. I'm hoping that happens I really need a minute out of town lol.

Hell this weekend would be awesome because I need a few minutes more away from Mae lol. BUT even if this weekend doesn't happen my friend is most likely going to take Mae over night for me in a couple weeks.

I have fun stuff coming up it looks like, but after October...yea its going to be downhill. And did I mention that I'm the official Mexican cooker for christmas? Yup, my birthday food was soo good that I get to make stuff now lol.

Anyways...i think im going to try to blog a bit more, but I really just dont have any desire to do anything but play bejeweled and read blogs on here. Maybe I should seek out some crazy and do some reading, but maaan I cant take the crazy anymore. I like to read people who have grown as a person, who can let things go, who can just be normal. In my 20s I needed the crazy but now in my 30s...I just want normal!

I've been having a hard time lately dealing with Grandpa not being here. Last week I did pretty much as little as possible because I just couldnt find any motivation. Normally my facebook is all about how much I'm cleaning. Yes, I know that gets old, but that's usually what I do.

Last week though, I just couldn't do anything. I went to work, took care of Mae, and spent an ungodly amount of time playing Bejeweled. I did just enough housework to keep the hoarding at bay.

I know how those people turn into a hoarder after a traumatic event. I feel like my house is just one wrapper away from a hoarders home. It's not, but that's how I feel. Today I got up and cleaned the house, partly. I got dishes done, living room picked up, laundry in. Tomorrow I need to do the rest of the cleaning.

Also tomorrow if the weather holds, fingers crossed, after Mae gets out of school her and I are going to be outside picking up all the walnuts the tree has dropped. Funny how everyone wants the walnuts, UNTIL, they figure out they have to come and pick them up lol. Yea I tried to get out of it via freecycle, but the two bites I got never happened.

I've been trying to figure out how Mae can see her dad. Though I havn't come up with any solutions. Ok, I have, but they are obviously very unattainable for her dad. He needs to have his own car, or a person with a car, or a cab to come pick her up and drop her off. Mom asked me a couple weeks ago why I couldn't have my friend drop her off and pick her up.

Well, I found out the reason! She feels like he threatened her and she doesn't want to deal with him. He creeps her out and makes her uncomfortable. But after the last exchange she had with him, she won't do it. She feels threatened.

In my circle of friends we believe in the It Takes A Village philosophy. If one of our kids needs to be redirected, then we do it. Be it talking, yelling, or even the occasional swat. We all do it! We do it because we love these kids and want them to grow up with the understanding that you mind your manners etc.. with all adults, not just the adults in the home.

Well somehow he felt it was his duty to get onto my friend about not touching Mae. Whatever he said to her scared her and she felt threatened. I don't blame her! I feel threatened by him and scared of what he will do. Let's face it with the way he lives right now, he's just a serial killer waiting to happen. He's isolated, doesn't have many friends, doesn't get out of his apartment, and in my experience has so few social skills that people are very put off by him.

My mom finally understood a bit better why we don't want to deal with him. Though she did ask me what I would do if he went to court. DUH first thing I'd do is make sure my lawyer has the name of his other kids mothers. There is a reason why he doesn't see his kids, or have child support taken out. Also I would be going through his family history to find out about mental disorders, on top of the molestation issues that I've vaguely heard about.

Am I a bad mother for this? In some peoples eyes maybe, but until you're the one in charge of this little life you just get to judge to yourself and not bitch to me about it. My mom thinks she knows what went on in our relationship. She only knows the little pieces I've told her. There's a whole big ball of Heather should have known better that she doesn't know.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed again and am not sure what to do with myself. I know that the harder I stress the worse the house looks, and I feel, and poor Mae is eating pizza rolls. But at least I have pulled myself out of my grief long enough to keep her in clean clothes, get her to school, read her books, and do the stuff mommy has to.

I'm also really concerned about my friend. She went back to Mayo and they asked her if she wanted to start counseling with their terminal patient therapist. She said no, hers would be fine, especially since Mayo is over 2 hours away.

So I'm just plain worried about everything going on in my life. I tell you what though, if I wasn't a stronger person I would sooooo be falling into a big ol bottle of something.

Once again I sit here blogging instead of doing what I'm supposed to be doing lol. I am just not ready to start cooking.

I woke up at 3 am and was up for awhile. Then before I fell asleep I had to text my mom more stuff to bring to the house. I really think I must be insane for throwing a party lol.

But I have the bestest friends in the world. My cousin is going to bring something sweet, I think. One friend is loaning me a cd player. Another friend is bringing the candy for the pinata. Another is bringing pretzels and going in on a bottle of tequila for the margaritas. My other friend is coming over to help me cook. My mom is cooking and helping me set up.

I have a lot of help and I need to learn how to say thank you and not feel guilty about letting people help. I mean it's my party right? I set it up and invited people isn't it my responsibility to make sure I get the stuff? It's called help and I should just say thank you and express that I'm greatful not that I can do it, it's ok. My friends rock!

The weather is something I totally didn't take into account when I decided to do an outdoor party. Every year it's shit weather on this weekend. It's because Cattle Congress is going on. That means cold, windy, wet weather. For part of the day! I'm hoping that it's nice for my party. I'm not asking for extremes just something everyone can say it's not too bad out here, Ya know?

But mom is going to rent an outdoor heater thing and there is my birthday present...the fire pit! It won't be all that warm like a fire ring on the ground, but it will be nice!

Mom forgot to order my cake yesterday. As I type this I'm calling her to find out if she actually remembered to order it. The cake is very important to me! LOL cake is my thing I want one lol. She didn't answer the phone sooooo we will see!

Ok time to have a bite to eat and then procrastinate a little more, THEN to the cooking!

I can't remember if I blogged about this or not, so if you've heard it before...shrugs..you'll hear it again lol.

When Grandpa died they put a big rush into changing things and fixing things and getting rid of things. One of the things they did was to fix up the bathroom. New tile, new shower, new toilet, new vanity, new floors...out with the old and in with the new. Well for the most part! The shower head wasn't new. It was one that had been around here and I didn't care for it. I didn't like how it moved, I didn't like it. Got used to it, but didn't like it.

Threw a big ol stinky hissy fit about getting a new one. But oooo no that wasn't going to happen. Until it did lol.

The showerhead was ok for me, but after mom used it she didn't like it either. Well duh, I'm an adult now, I save my hissy fits for the important stuff.

So last weekend when they brought all the stuff for MY PARTY, they also brought my present, and a new shower head!!

I love this showerhead, I approve of this showerhead, I think it's great! And it does everything I need it to do lol. Mainly be adjustable and it's adjustable in all kinds of nice ways. Though I must say my mom is right...The cord for it is this horrible grey color.

BUT I think any cords hanging in the shower make it look crappy. But hey she is the one who needs the handheld thingy and I'm just happy with the rainshower effect. I think thats what they call it.

Yay for happy with the showerhead!

It's that time again! Time for me to start bashing my head against the wall and ask myself...WTF were you thinking!?!?!

I am turning 35 in just a few short days! I am having another birthday party! My friend and I are doing the majority of the cooking. My mom is making enchaladas and my dad is making pepper. I'm making the rest lol picadillo, fideo, chicken mole, sloppy joes, cheese dip, and I'm going o attempt to make beans lol Grandpa help us please lol.

I have a pinata for the kids, include them too.

I don't even know who all is coming lol. I have a lot of maybe's and well if noone but the confirmed show up...it will still be a damn good party. Just lots and lots of food left over lol.

Today my mom and dad brought the truck loaded down into town. We hauled out tables and chairs. Dad charged the lawn mower for me. And my mom nit picked the fucking house. I know it irritated her when I had a reason why the garbage lid was dirty and every time i change the garbage i wash the garbage can. DUH I know mother lol. The house was clean when she got her and guess who couldn't drag a garbage bag out of the house...sure wasn't me. But the house is dirty lol whatever.

I have 3 days of work this week, 2 days of party preperation, and then a good time, and then the awful realization that damn I gotta clean this mess up! But I'd rather do all the work and have a good time on my birthday with people I want around me.

I am not a bad mother. I know this inside I really do. But every day I'm being hurt by Mae.

For some reason she doesn't like me, she hates me, she doesn't want me, she wants a new family, a new mom, and it's really begining to hurt.

I know I shouldn't let a 4 yr old hurt me, but seriously EVERY DAY I hear those things from her mouth.

If I was an abusive parent I could understand why she says these things. BUT I am NOT!

I love her more than life itself. I do everything I can for her. I give her everything I can and even strive for what I can't. Hell I don't even make food that she won't eat. Though god knows I'd love to make say liver and onions, but I don't because I know she won't like it.

I don't know what the problem is but I'm ready for it to stop. If she was a teenager I would say this is completly normal. But what 4 yr old doesn't want their mom? What 4 yr old tells their mom they hate them?

I don't know how to make it not hurt and I don't know how to make her stop. Every time she says this I tell her how she shouldn't say it because its disrespectful, hurtful, and hateful. Again how do you reason with a 4 yr old?

I don't know, I just know that it sucks being me some days and I don't know what to do in this situation except do what I always do. Love her. Hug her. Squeeze her. Tell her I love her. And do my best not to show how much it really does hurt to have a child you love and care for tell you they hate you and that you're not her mommy.

Well it looks like karma has me again this time. I am a worthless parent and my child is the first indicator of how horrible a parent I really am! Thank you karma for showing me what everyone else seems to already have figured out!