While I was writing my last blog, all of what ten minutes ago lol; I had a thought. It was a thought that I found rather disturbing.

Now that I have seen my mom, hugged my mom, talked to my mom, interacted with my mom after like almost 20 days and only 12 words in those 20 days. After we would talk on the phone minimum three times a day almost daily. That was a long time to have no interaction with my mom.

I can have interaction with my mom. Just not a lot. Well as I was typing the last blog I thought, oh hell! My mom is going to think that now she can call me all the time again and stuff. Oooo I didn't like that idea. I really enjoyed not feeling all stressed out and whatever else I might end up feeling after talking to her.

I was sitting here and my phone rang. It was my mom. I ignored the call. I don't want to talk right now. Not that I'm mad at her, I just don't want to talk right now. I can call her back. Hell I can call her back on my way to work. But right at this moment I dont want to talk to her.

Then I go and read one of the other blogs I read and the issue on that blog was about a daughter and mother who cant go a minute without seeing each other. Oooo man I kind of left a long comment. I hope she understands my comment. But I get the insane need to be in contact. I dont know how it happens, it just does. And to everyone else it looks totally insane and maybe it is, but thats just how it is.

After not having any contact with my mom lately ive felt better than i was feeling. I know i have to start taking her calls, but i dont have to take all of her calls, and I can choose when. Its ok to not talk to my mom ALL the time.

It's a sickness I think and you just have to wait it out to figure it out to work it out to get to a place where its ok.

Sooooooooooo my mom and dad came over yesterday. I hadn't spoken more than 12 words to my mother in almost a month. Literally only 12 words, I counted them one day. And you know what? While I missed my mom, I didn't miss the way I felt after some of the conversations with her. Was it wrong to not talk to her? I don't think so. I think it's helped me to not be in constant contact with her.

It was a lovely snowy cold day yesterday and my Dad; who is awesome, shoveled the drifts and the deck. Yayy!

Mom didn't say a word about the house and she took my birthday gift for my nephew to give to him.

Mom says she had a moment and that she has just been feeling sorry for herself and she doesn't want to be like she is anymore. Her doctor told her she has some kind of disorder and if it doesn't clear up soon then it will turn into a major depression. Um duh! I could have told you something was up. Oooo wait I did.

But at least she is going to make an effort.

I had to take my car in today and let me tell you what! -3 and walking about 8 blocks SUCKED ASS! It was sooo cold but I had on my ugly make me into a bobble head hat on and at least I didn't totally freeze. My friend watched Mae while I dropped the car off and walked to her house. My other friend came and got me lol and will be back later to get me to get my car.

I think I have to find another 20 bucks for Christmas presents. I think my brother is getting Mae something so I have to get something for his kids. I'm getting dollar general specials and I'm not spending more than 20 bucks! I don't care I have no money but I dont want Mae getting a gift and the others not. Soooo bring on the good tippers lol.

Ive got another 4 shifts this week and I was hoping to take tonight off but noone has texted me back...joy o joy lol.

My friend who got the house I'm afraid for her. Her bipolar anxiety ridden boyfriend is going to the hospital today, maybe to be admitted to psych. I dont know but I hope its not to serious because they need the income he has to pay for this new house. Its almost like he has decided he can't hold a job because of whatever so he goes with it. Well ya know maybe its time to go to work at one of the warehouses. BUT when you have drug convictions a lot of places wont hire you. Sooo I'm back to praying hard for them.

Other than that life actually isnt too bad. Oo except the heat bill was 150 bucks and i was a bit upset over that because we have been freezing in the house trying to keep it down. Mom told me she didnt expect us to freeze but when you only give between 200 and 300 a month that doesnt cover much more than the heat. AT least the heat is paid though. Now to go sit under blankets and watch tv and wait for the phone to ring telling me my car is done.

Today I made the call of shame. It's the biggest call of shame I could make and I made it. I stood in Kmart today and all but cried because I knew I would have to make that call.

Today of all days I guess it was very appropriate that I had to make the call of shame. 7 months ago today I lost my Grandpa. So today is one of those days that I am already wired. Then I had plans to go Christmas shopping because that was the plan.

Today didn't start off the way I wanted it to. I put my book on the kitchen table last night thinking Mae would leave it alone and the card I was using for the bookmark. WRONG because I moved it, I'm assuming, it was an easier target and my card is gone. It was a prayer card and it was just one that moved me and now I have no idea where it is and Mae isn't giving it up. I'm sure I'll find it another day. BUT I didn't scream at Mae or spank her or anything except tell her how disappointed I was and sad because that card meant something to me.

My car is having issues. It always seems to have issues at this time when there is no money because of Christmas. Well I called my brother and when he called me back I was shopping. Yes I know I shouldn't be spending money if I've got car trouble. BUT I did it anyway. Still no pictures of Santa and Mae but Christmas shopping is all done. So my brother is close to Kmart and stops out to look at the car.

My cousin Tanya the other day, over the phone, tells me its the water pump. But who wants to belive that lol. He comes out and looks at it and he's pretty positive it's the waterpump. He makes a call and they say $140. I don't have that; the only way I have that is if I don't buy Christmas and I don't pay my bills for a month. Ummmm....I have to pay my bills. The late fees on not paying my bills is not a good thing. Especially when one of them is car insurance and that would mean no insurance which you have to have.

So I agonized and angonized and tried not to cry. Then after a text from my sister telling me Dad was home, I made the call of shame!

I called my Dad and asked to borrow money to fix my car. It was one of the worst things I've ever had to do. I have never EVER asked them for money. I always paid Grandpa back with taxes or over time because he didn't judge. So like my dad said time to put on my ass kissing pants, because there is more news.

He may be getting a job here in town and that means him and my mom will be moving in sooner rather than later!

It has been one big day and I am ready for it to be over. I made the decision last night we are having pizza for supper and I am choosing to not be upset over the missing card. And I'm glad I chose that because I gave Mae her new outfit, her two new Christmas socks, and her countdown to Christmas chocolate calendar and she thinks they are all WONDERFUL!

So I'm going with Wonderful!

It's kind of like here's your sign. I've really been missing my Grandpa lately. I mean that bad miss, not the I'm working on ok and miss him, but the cry on the couch for hours miss him.

I've said things on facebook, I've told my friends and asked for hugs when I needed them, took a mental health day on Monday and found someone to work for me. I've been missing my Grandpa!

Brenda pointed it out to me and like the caption on my facebook says, it wasn't intentional, but Grandpa just seems to keep showing up at the important times. Something like that anyways.

The picture is of Mae in her new dress, standing in front of the Christmas tree and off in the right hand corner is THE picture of Grandpa. The one where he is smiling real big and you can see it in his eyes the person he was. Its the picture I talk to, its the picture all of us have of him. Its that one picture where he seems to follow you.

There was my sign that my Grandpa was with us tonight. That my Grandpa is still here. That he is showing up when we need him. I'm glad I ended up with that picture, even if it makes me cry a bit.

My cousin Tanya said isnt that cool. I should have replied beyond cool. I know that he was there tonight watching his baby, his chula, his amoure, and smiling that big smile of his. I know he watched with us and loved every minute of it.

Tomorrow is 7 months he's been gone from us and I needed a little Grandpa. I needed just a little bit. I just want a hug from my Grandpa....thanks for being there tonight Grandpa!

Facebook followers know that I just had the best hour in a long time. Tonight was the Christmas Program for school and we watched like 7 classes of kids. They only do 2 songs each so it doesn't take forever. It's preschool and they are all so cute and its always a good time.

My face hurt from smiling so much. Of course I had to run home and put it all on facebook lol. My girl is so funny. I wish I would have gotten this on the video but of course the really cute stuff happens after the recording is stopped.

As they were walking off the stage Mae turns to the audience and starts blowing them kisses, as she posed. Oooo my lord we have a Diva Star on our hands. It was so cute! I'm glad Tammy came with us so I had someone to share it with.

Mae had on her new purple dress that grandma bought her and she was all cute and curtseying in it. She kept asking if we wanted to see her modeling or something like that. Then she would pose and act like she was on a cat walk.

I can't lie that girl makes me smile. This was just what the doctor ordered and since I video taped it and put it on facebook I can have a quick 2 minute pick me up. This is why we don't eat our young~

Yay it's Sunday and that means a day off for me, from my job! The work has begun and mostly been completed.

We made it to church and the question I keep asking myself is...when do I get to pray for me? When do I get to, or is it appropriate for me to be asking God for things for myself? It would be so easy to go to church and when I pray to ask for a better job, better weather, a car that doesn't want to die on me, help with patience...you know that whole list of things you want to pray for yourself to have. Every week I go and I'm not complaining because what I pray for is what is truly needed.

I am not taking credit for this by any means! BUT I have been praying the last few times for my friend Brigitte. She is sick and has some mental health issues and the money for the medications for her health problems is staggering. So I've been praying for her. The other day one of her daycare clients gave her a Christmas card with a $1000 in it. She called me and told me that and we both went omg, what? The first thought we both had was she doesn't have to worry about her medication for almost two months because of this gift.

I have also been praying for my friend Kimmi who just moved into a new home and while she can afford the home, things are tight. I pray that her and her family will be able to find the way to afford everything they need.

Today I was praying for two of my customers at work. They are adopting a baby from Ethiopia and are just waiting to find out when they can bring him home. Ooo he is the cutest lil baby. He is 6 months old and they are over the moon waiting. Yesterday they said they weren't sure if it would be this month yet or maybe January for them to bring him home. I told them I would pray for them to get him home this month because lets face it, babies are always a good thing. So I prayed for them.

But when is it appropriate for me to pray for myself? Or maybe that's what Church is all about, being selfless and wanting the good of man over the good of yourself. Now don't get me wrong we aren't going without, but there are things it would be nice to have happen. But in the long run, it feels right to pray for others and not for myself.

After church we, ok I, came home and cleaned the house. I am a firm beliver that your house shouldn't take you more than an hour to clean. Unless of course you have a mansion and then thats not going to happen.

On my list of chores today I had sweeping,mopping, vaccuming, dusting, dishes, laundry, the bathroom, and something I'm sure I've forgotten lol. Well I've gotten everything done but the mopping.

I was going to be lazy and forget the laundry til that damned ol Facebook got a hold of me. My cousin's husband posted about how fun laundry is. Damn it to hell lol, if they could do the laundry then I could be unlazy and do the laundry. Sooo Ive got the laundry done.

I have decided though that the mopping is waiting for tomorrow morning when Mae is at school. that way I dont have to deal with her trying to walk across the clean floor.

So now that I have all my chores done I am going to enjoy the rest of my day reading, watching tv, and later a movie with Mae.

I love my day off, but damn could I get just one where it's truly a day off lol.

I love Facebook. My Facebook however isn't about collecting people. For me Facebook is for my real life. My family, my friends, and the people from the internet that I have "known" for a long time and are "real" people. I havn't met all of them, but I have had enough interaction over a period of time to know that they are "real" people and in the "real world" I would hang with them.

As we all know Facebook is about as juvenile as you can get and still be an adult. We play the games, we do the surveys, we tag the pictures, and we stay connected to family. Now we all know that families fight, we all know that friends fight, we all know that we sometimes put bullshit out there that is pure bullshit, that's meant to incite a reaction, and things that you just shouldn't put out there.

Compound all that with the fact that as human beings we are judgemental people. I don't care who you are but I will you call a liar to your face if you dare try to claim your not. It's in our nature to be judgemental. I will give a little wiggle room on that by saying there are different levels of judgment and while you may not be as judgemental as person B, you are still judgemental.

I sometimes do things on Facebook for my mom. She has added some people who she didn't want to remove because you know how it is, you delete someone and it comes back to bite you in the ass. Why did you delete me, you didn't have to do that, blah blah. You know what I'm talking about. Some of the people that she added she was sick of seeing their posts. I went ahead and just blocked them from showing up on her screen. They still show as friends, but she doesn't have to see their posts. In this instance it was a family member. Now in my opinion that's how you should handle it. If you don't like what they are saying, they are posting to much, you think they are childish...whatever the reason, just do that. Don't cause drama by deleting them.

Well tonight I did my best on there to not cause drama in the family. I was doing farmville and looking at everything people had posted and I came across something my family member had posted.

"I read a lot of non sense on this thing called FB, and I am so glad my two oldest kids have made great choices in their lives, I couldn't be more proud of them!!!"

It goes on to say that his boy is coming home for Christmas from the navy and his little boys are excited for him to come home. BUT that was written by my cousin. I know about the nonsense he is talking about, well at least some of it. BUT why would you write something like that?

There is only one reason, to hurt your family and to brag about your family. The thing is, while your hurting your family your showing what an ass you are. I almost commented on it. Because I know things aren't all rosey in his house! I go to church with his mom on Sundays, I've met his wife/girlfriend I don't know if they're married or not. BUT I know!

So common sense took over and I put my own lil facebook message out there. Remember the rule to live by is if it doesn't say your name then it's not about you and if you think it's about you then that's your issue because only the writer knows who it was really about. Yes I know that's what I should live by too, but I have a really good "idea" of who and what he is talking about and the way I read it, I'm going with my gut.

So I put out there Using facebook to hurt your loved ones is a shitty thing to do. Doesn't make you look any better than anyone else out there.

And I think that was the right way to handle it. Because when I read what he wrote I just wanted to smack him. We all use facebook to vent, to laugh, to cry, to hear bad news, to hear good news, to spread the word. Yes some of us say things we really shouldnt most of the time. Personally I try to keep my stuff pleasant, yes I have my days where my posts are not all roses and sunshine, but then what life is?

I just figured I should come over here and blog this before I accidently on purpose respond to his post. Yay for self control!