I just had the most fucked up but nice dream. Damned sirens woke me up from it, pisses me off.

I have no idea why, but a Jesse James look alike was in it, a woman who was pregnant an his girl, i think it was my sister and someone else and the starring role...Grandpa.

I don't know where we were at but we were having breakfast/lunch and the JJ lal was the owner and the preggo his girl and he rubbed her belly all nice and for some reason he lifted his shirt and you could see what i assume was a open heart scar.

So we are sitting there and grandpa is telling me what i'll have to eat and he's arguing with someone about what he will have to eat. Then something is wrong with granpas food and they fix it and he is telling them what i'll have to eat. But my food is bad. I end up spitting out hard bits of plastic onto my plate. Then Grandpa is talking, I think to Brianne, about his food, and she's asking him how his eggs were. He was like i didnt have eggs, and he was talking and laughing, and getting up to pay for extra and I had to give change to the lady for a pop, I have no idea.

I just know that I was really irritated that I was woken up. I wish I could remember more of my dream. I just know my Grandpa looked really good in it and I was happy. Maybe that's what he is doing in his head, revisiting things with us. Or maybe the dream is what's waiting for us all later.

I don't know I just know that it was awfully nice to see my Grandpa happy and whole in my dream and now Im bawling. Guess I'll go take my shower instead of an extra half hour of sleep.

It's almost naptime. I was almost in bed and the phone rang. It was my mom wanting to know if I had the little clipping my grandpa kept of their wedding announcement. I found it but it doesn't say when it actually was.

She also told me that her, dad, and my Uncle are going to Oelwein in a little bit to pick out a casket. She wanted to know if I had any requests on the casket. The only thing I said was it has to have enough room for his care package. She said it will!

Soooo he is in dialysis and that's the time they are going. BUT I don't know if any decisions have been made. Though it is a good sign of them being able to think about letting go with the casket expedition.

I told her they would pick something nice. I kind of wish I could go with, but I think I'd just be a wreck. I already feel like a monster for wanting them to "make him comfortable". I understand the hope that his lucid moments bring. But when they are like flashes...are we really really sure that Grandpa is there? Or is it just a cruel joke on us, to give us false hope. Maybe God wants us to decide so God doesn't have to. Maybe it's a test of our faith in ourselves to make the right decision. I don't know. I just know that I am so very tired of fighting with him. I want my grandpa back and I'm not getting that.

They took the feeding tube out yesterday and we had a realitively good night. I finally decided he was good enough I could get some sleep. An hour later my friend was calling me cuz she needed help with him. Then we got him all cleaned up and some haldol in him to calm him. I went for another lil rest. It was an hour later and I scared the crap out of my friend who had her phone out just waiting to call me. He was agitated again.

They got him cleaned up and some ativan in and it really didn't seem to do much. Though I was reading the hospice book last night and in the signs of death part I was just clicking off the things he was doing.

He just looked right through me while his eyes were open. He waved at Tammy but I don't know if he knew it was her. We live for the lucid moments but they are so fleeting and heartbreaking. I'm glad that I'm not alone in all this. I'm glad that others have had the experience in this, because without them I'd be lost.

I thank everyone who has said prayers and kind words, to those that have been there with me in person, who have taken my child....I am blessed to have REAL friends who CARE about me and not what I can do for them. Life will go on, but it won't be as sweet.

it was a fairly good night. didnt have to give any meds till an hour after i tried to sleep...both times lol.

right now he's kind o sleeping i think but he is still restless.

mom left the hospice info, yea i wish i hadnt read it because some of his symptoms are on the death ones.

im glad we had a good night lets see what today brings. and i hate this color lol but its whats on my friends laptop lol

I spent a couple hours at the hospital today. It wasn't good. He had another bad night. He's angry at us for making him wear the oxygen mask.

He seemed to know me when I came in and then he went back to fighting.

2 nurses came in while I was struggling to get the mask back on, but i swear he knows when the nurses are there because then he just kind of gives up.

He has diareah because of the feeding tube. He got really agitated earlier and since he either cant talk or when he is able we cant hear him because of the oxygen you just dont know whats wrong.

Well after fighting him for awhile and apologizing for not knowing what was wrong, i figured it out. He was dirty and he doesnt like that. Got him changed and he was ok, then a bit later, not much he was dirty again.

I think my mom and uncle are now seeing that its not good. The Dr came in today and said that he thought what was keeping him going was dialisys and i asked if the lungs were shot and he said yes.

They had hoped to bring him home but it doesnt look like thats going to be possible. Hopefully he can go to hospice, but with his oxygen being at 15 liters that probably wont be a possibility.

The best thing i heard was when we do let go, it shouldnt take forever.

Im still hurt and will be for a long while. I feel like my chest is going to explode with the anxiety and stress.

Though when he was fighting me earlier i told him me and tammy would be back tonight if he was going to fight us and he shook his head yes. It will be a long night.

I'm going to eat and try to sleep and try to be good to Mae. But she doesnt understand why moms a mess and i cant explain it to her. I have many tears shed and waiting to be shed and locked inside. I just want it to be over because i dont want him suffering.

Ive got a lot of support but i think i need another million arms to wrap myself in.

Seriously, what is God's plan for my grandpa! Because from where I'm sitting I can't see anything but my Grandpa not being my grandpa.

They decided to keep going with everything. Grandpa wants us to, and he wants to live. Though him telling me he wants to without knowing how they will do that is something else. I don't want him gone, i just don't want him like this. Not him!

To do everything they can to fight for him they have to intubate him. Well all the docs n nurses say they belive he will be vent dependant. Which means after they let him be on a vent for up to 2 weeks then he would need a trach and a feeding tube.

We don't want that. So the DNR DNI remain in effect. It also means that the carbon dioxide builds up in grandpa and makes him crazy. Makes him fight everything. He can't hardly even talk. He wasnt able to talk at all earlier.

They moved him out of ICU onto the medical floor with a room across from the nurses station. Yea like thats going to help if he takes his mask off. How long til they see him even over there?

I did the cans before we went up. And in the time it took us to do that and get there, he was gone. We had him for a minute here and there. He did know Mae which was great. He wanted a hug from her. Which was great and then he was gone again.

Is it really worth it! Is it our responsibility to say enough is enough? How do you say that knowing he wants to live. How do you think positive when the percentage for survival is 40%? I hate God right now!

My grandpa is the most Catholic person I know. Faithful to his God. A good man. And this is the plan god has for him? When it is his time the world will lose one of the real and true good men. We had a plan! It was a good plan! Wasn't good enough for God! So I'm angry and I'm saying I'm angry because if I don't then I'll implode again.

I never want to have a nervous breakdown again! I can't handle it. I already get close to hyperventilating as it is when i get overwhelmed.

So tomorrow after dropping Ryder off at school, the pos who does nothing, will be heading to the hospital. Then picking up Mae and maybe at 2 dropping her at her dads and then at 5 picking her up, and definitly dropping her off at 9 at her dads and stay with grandpa.

I AM ANGRY DO YOU HEAR ME!! ANGRY!!! IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS! HE WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SUFFER ANY INDIGNITY!

Now the good part of the day! Thank god there was a good part of the day or I'd probably be doing this from some dark corner lol.

I had lunch with Mae and we did cupcakes at school. Then on the way home from Kimmi's house(i had a minimeltdown and stopped at my friends) a Miley Cyrus song came on and Mae just busted out singing and did a lil dance. Oooo it was sooo goood to hear that and see that! I needed to have something awesome to hold onto.

So now who knows what they are doing. They did dialysis today and of course we got some grandpa time. But after this morning and hearing them talk to the doctors and my just going out of mind crying.

I did the unthinkable. I left the hospital. I left and then came back for just a minute before i had to leave or kill my mother. Omg i am the most awful person in the world. I'm not pulling my weight, I'm not staying enough. Ok fine I was in psych for a day n a half, I wasnt there thursday, and I wasn't there part of today. I am not pulling my weight.

Though wait a minute even though that's how it sounds coming out of my moms mouth THAT ISNT WHAT SHES SAYING. Though seriously...if your being told you have to start doing your shifts and there isnt a quota that you fill and are done....wouldn't you feel like your being told that you arent doing your share??

Yes I know thats not what shes saying, but maybe she should find some different words. My sister...yay shes here now so guess what its dump on heather time! Well if shes here, and a ton of family is at the hospital....i guess that means i have to be there too. Im fucking sorry! Im not as strong as you want me to be. I cant stay up there and just watch. Oh wait my mom is the one who gets to be the basket case and only stay for a couple minutes at a time. BUT me I have to be there all the time. But what about Mae? What about her during the day. I guess mom wants to pay for daycare but then tells me she only wants to pay for what she has to. Well wtf if you want me there all the time and Mae cant be there cuz shes Mae....

Its a viscious cycle i tell you.

I don't know if tomorrow they are going to do the care for him or not. My uncle isnt ready to let go from what i understand. Well fine...but I dont want to watch grandpa be like this anymore. I dont want him to suffer. Even knowing that his death means I lose the only home ive known for a long time. Knowing that i lose the one person i love more than Mae. KNowing that life wont ever be the same....but whatever!

I just wish that my mom would yell at my sister or my uncle. But lay the fuck off me! Ive done my share, Im still doing myshare, but cmon....I am only one person and I am not as strong as she wants me to be!

Fuck the world let me off!

I think we are beyond prayers for Grandpa's comfort and are now moving to prayers for my family.

I have a great support system. DJ has Mae until 8am monday. Tammy has been a godsend. Kimmi is a call away. Dawn calls and helps me when I need it.

When Dawn called today, I don't know if I expressed how greatful I was for her call. She is one of the people I trust to not bullshit me. To not say something just to make me feel better, but because she knows. After talking to her; probably no more than an hour later I was really greatful.

My dad showed up to drive me to the hospital. It's never good when they don't call and just send someone.

My mom and dad were going to go to a friends daughters wedding. She went to say good bye and his oxygen had dropped so fast that they were working on putting the bipap on him.

I don't blame her for being scared! She didn't want to call me and just sent dad.

Grandpa isn't doing good. He isn't talking now, though his hands are doing that moving. And he fights you when he wants to move them. Though before he left us, hopefully just for the night, I did get my fair share of I love you's from him.

Tomorrow I think they are going to talk about "making him comfortable". There's a medical word for it, but I can't remember what mom said. That isn't good. Making a person comfortable usually means you don't have them for much longer.

My sister and her family made it up tonight. I lost it when she was crying and telling Grandpa how much she loves him and how much he means to her. I will admit to being just plain mean and hateful in my head. While I was crying I was thinking if he meant so damned much to you, why did you only see him 5 times a year?? IF that because sometimes she skipped some holidays. Yes it was mean and hateful but that's only because I think I love my Grandpa more than her. Do I? Probably not, I just love him different. Doesn't mean I don't think she should have spent more time with him and should have sent Katie to visit all those times I asked. Because not only did Katie not visit with me and her sister...she was also missing out on time with Grandpa.

I'm a mess. But I'm not a throw me in a padded room mess. At least not yet. That's where DJ is going to come in handy lol. Poor DJ he gets the fucked up insane Heather when the bad shit really happens. But I'm glad he is willing to be there.

I didn't say goodbye goodbye to my Grandpa. And if by coming home I don't get to say goodbye goodbye...it's ok because I held him and i loved on him, and i talked to him and that's even better than saying goodbye!

Tomorrow I'll tell Grandpa that I'll be ok. That if he needs to he can let go. Not those exact words but that will be the meaning. And I'll most likely cry and cry tomorrow.

Please pray for my family and the only man to never let me down. It's another adventure through hell....god there are way to many levels!