I am not ok. I havn't been ok for awhile. All I know is that I don't know how much longer Mae can be my reason to keep going on. I mean would it really be that awful for her to be raised by her dad. Ok so I know the answer is Yes it would, but more days than not I just pray that I go to sleep and don't wake up.

I can't slit my wrists because I don't want to die in pain. I don't have medication that I can take to zap me out. I just keep going because of my girl. She is the only reason I keep getting up and keep trying.

I can not be the horrible person I am feeling like. I can not be so worthless and useless. I refuse to belive it, sometimes. Otherwise I walk around feeling like this horrible person who is so awful that there is nothing I can do to make it right.

My mom had gotten to be a mean bitch who says horrible things since Grandpa died. She doesn't see it, she doesn't care all she cares about is if I'm giving her money, if the house is clean, and what can I do for her and how fast can I get it done.

This weekend was the last straw. I can not feel like this anymore. Especially now that I find out that I was abusive to my Grandpa. I don't recall being abusive to him, I don't recall doing the things that could be considered abusive. My sister said I had said some things she didn't like, but she never thought I was abusive.

But my dear mom told my friend that she wasn't going to take my abuse anymore not like her dad did.

I didn't know that everything I did, all the times I tattled, all the times I had to yell at him to not eat the food that was 3 weeks old, that that was being abusive. I didn't know that by taking him to his appointments, cooking his food, trying to keep him off the road as much as possible, was abusive.

I am a horrible person that I couldn't see the harm I caused my grandpa. I can not live with the fact that someone out there thinks I abused my grandpa. I didnt, I know I didnt! But if thats what people are thinking and saying...well I guess I did.

The house is an issue. Who comes into someones house and tells them how good it looks, then looks for dirt? Then says oh you were doing so good about keeping the house clean? It takes me an hour to clean my house. Thats doing the bathroom, the living room, and the kitchen. An hour to make it all sparkly. If the house was so horrible how come it takes an hour to put it back together?

Money...I can never give enough money to my mom. I give her every damn dime I have. I will make my bills late so that she has money. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I can't find a better job. She doesn't understand that. I keep looking, I keep getting rejected. Well I guess that just proves how horrible I am, if even damned KMart wont hire me.

All these favors, I do them. If I can't do them right away I get hounded about when its going to be done. This picture of Grandpa my mom was going to take away from me because I hadn't gotten to WalMart and made another copy in the size she wanted. Who does that? It's like if you don't do something for her right that minute then your awful and horrible.

She wanted a collage of the pictures that I have. I offered it to her, I can get my own later. No no no, but hey why not go get another one made. Ok but then I have to pay for it and I dont have a lot of extra money.

The carpet in the house. We got new carpet. My mother hates(hated) it and proceeded to tell anyone who would listen that she hated it and it was all my fault. Then all my friends were liars and not wanting to hurt my feelings and thats why they said it looked nice and they liked it. If she didn't want it then she shouldn't have gotten it. She never hasn't gotten what she wanted so why start now?

I just don't know what to do. I just really do not want to wake up again. I just want it to all go away because I am not strong enough to handle what my mother is dishing out to me.

I don't know why I'm her target but I am and I am just supposed to take everything she says and not resond. Well Saturday I responded.

Responded so hard that my friend came and dragged me and Mae to her house. Popped me a half a xanex and then found out that I was abusive to Grandpa.

I told my mom I think she needs counseling. I told her this before Saturday. Finally Saturday I told her that she has become this mean hateful person since her dad died and she needed to get some grief counseling.

Yea, I was abusive. And she isn't going to take it anymore. Oh wait she is when she wants something. She called yesterday for money, today she called because she wanted I don't know what. I told her the truth I want to kill myself and I can't talk to you until I'm better.

I am pretty happy most times, at least I think. I don't bring my problems to everyone, I listen to them, and I do what friends do.

I just can't take the criticism from my mother anymore. I don't understand it. I do all kinds of things for her, and make sure when she is here that there is stuff she can eat and drink, but I'm rotten and horrible, and abusive.

I don't understand how doing the things I do makes me this kind of person. I am always putting everyone else in front of myself. If you ask me to do something I do it, I don't tend to hesitate. Even if I'm sick, not feeling good, in a bad place, whatever it is...I tend to do it.

I keep saying this but it's the truth, I don't get how if I'm this horrible, rotten, abusive person I have close friends, who aren't afraid for me to be around them or their families. If I'm so damned horrible why did someone at work tell me I had a very pleasant personality. I don't get it, I don't get it.

What I do get is that I want it all to just end. I want it to just stop. I want to make everything go away. I keep hearing I'm a strong person, yea well I don't feel so strong. I just feel fucking miserable and that nothing I do will ever be good enough and if its not then what the hell am I hanging around for? How long can I make Mae my priority. If I'm so horrible awful and abusive, maybe I'm doing it to her and I don't even know it. Why should she have a mom who is like that?

What's the use really? I just don't know what is wrong with me? What exactly did I do that was so horrific that I have to feel like this? I don't like feeling this way. I know that something has to change and until I can get someone to hire me at a real job, then I'm stuck.

I have an appointment with the therapist this morning. I hope she can help, I just don't know. I'm tired of crying over this, I'm tired of feeling worthless. If she is hurting this bad why does she have to dump it on me? Doesn't she know that I'm hurting too? Doesn't she know what it's like to come home and it just be 2 instead of 3? But I guess I'm just making up my feelings because an abuser doesn't care about anyone but themselves right?

Maybe one day it will get better, but I don't see that day. I used to feel like my life was spiraling out of control and I couldn't see the drain. These days I don't feel like I'm spiraling, I feel like I'm actually trying to hold onto the drain lip so it doesn't suck me down.

Other than that, life is just grand! I love my girl, I love my friends, I just don't love me anymore. But then who would, abusive people get what they deserve in the end and I guess i'm finding the end.

Here I sit procrastinating again. I don't know why I get myself into these things. This time, again, I did it to myself. It always seems like a good idea at the time, and then the actual work begins.

This week two of my friends had birthdays. I am one broke bitch! Let me tell you what lol I am a broke girl. I'm so broke that I paid my car insurance ahead of time so next week I can give my mom more money then usual. Since I am broke, and can't afford gifts for my friends, I decided that I would give them a party.

Thankfully I was a smart girl and it will actually be a small dinner party. I only invited the birthday girls, the boyfriend of one of the girls, my mom, and the two little girls. My house is kind of little when it comes to getting a lot of people together and you have to be inside. Thankfully my one friend understood because I had to ask if she could leave her two older kids at home. Not that I didn't want them here, but we just don't have a place for them to eat at. With the new carpet in the living room, kids don't get to have anything in there.

So far today I've baked the cake, picked up the living room, cut the onions for the meatloaf, got the laundry together. I've been pretty busy. So now all I have to do is get the laundry downstairs, the bathroom cleaned, the meatloaf made, the cake decorated, and my mess cleaned up. That's just the stuff I have to do in the house lol. I have errands that I have to run today too.

Then since I will be out and about I'm going to go to the mall and get my sister's Christmas present. I have a Kay's card, I don't know why they gave me one lol. But I have one and I've been paying on it faithfully. So I have a lot of credit on that card. I think I may also buy myself something nice. Unless of course I decide to get two of the cheapo gifts and give them to the girls.

But I want something nice lol so maybe I'll have to buy all of us girls the cheapo diamond earrings.

Ok I guess I had better get my butt in gear lol. I love my friends, and I love parties, and I love food. Today will be a great day and if the food tastes like shit thats ok, I have 2 bottles of Moscato chilled in the fridge!

I'm online for my enjoyment. I am on lots of different websites, so I can say a bunch of different shit and either elicit a response or just post because I want to. I look at what I want and I comment on what I want. I'm not generally afraid to say something. I do know when it's better to not say anything at all if I have a differing opinon(Brenda, I have a different opinion about then your other friends....thats why i just said hugs) because noone likes to be jumped on.

I will say shit about the way you look, act, dress, things you post publicly...If you don't want someone to comment then don't share. I say all these things as a generalization. I'm not going to totally fuck someone's day up, unless of course they ask me to. And when you put shit out for the public to see you can't expect everyone to agree or be all rosey.

So that being said! Remember awhile back when Mae's Dad had some girl and she in turn came at me through another website? How he told me that she was a convicted sex offender. Yea well I left that one alone. Ok so I looked at the psycho bitch, and yea she's a psycho even on paper. Anyways! I have a friend from high school and now he is hooked up with her in the lifestyle.

How do I know this? Was I "stalking" her profiles? Was I scouring the net for some peice of information? Was I have no life of my own and obsessing over someone that was taken care of a ways back? The answer to all is no. I was minding my own business, saying all the bullshit I spew on a daily basis, and then I got a friend request on another sight from someone I didn't know. On that other site I don't add very many people as my friend. I think at the moment I have 3 or maybe 4. I don't feel the need to friend EVERYBODY. I just dont, so I look at anyone who requests me.

Oooo lawdy lord! It turns out to be the crazy psycho. The girl who tried to start shit with me and the kids dad, the one who is sooo fucking stupid that she tried to say she was forced to have sex with a 15 year old because it was tradition, she couldnt say no. Blah Blah Blah! She was the one arrested and charged because she was the one in the wrong. If she had been raped the police would have also charged that person with rape. Guess what? They didn't they charged her. Anyways! She has a new Owner, she has a new girlfriend...blah blah....and the Owner is my highschool friend. What the hell?

If you want me out of your internet life...why invite me into it? Why poke me? Do you really want me to be the big bad bitch(as if lol)? I have no problem saying a lot of bullshit, I can taylor what I spew out to make you think I'm talking about you, but in reality you only wish lol. So I'm waiting to see what my friend says to my email.

I can be friends with him, I dont have to be friends with her. So I sent him a question. Asking why his pedofile assed psycho is sending me friend invites when she has already started drama in my life. I'm hoping the answer is he told her to, not that he didnt know. Because seriously...why do you want to fuck with me? I don't have anything, I don't do anything, unless of course something that I've written has felt like a poke against her.

I don't know, bottom line is sometimes you cant fix psycho.

Tonight I'm giving in and ordering some chinese! The pizza sucked so bad even Mae didn't eat it lol.

So it's chinese tonight and hamburger helper the next 2 nights and then a big ol roast on sunday!

I have a blog somewhere in me I just can't figure out how to make it appear.

So you get a fake blog. :)

I had a great weekend! My mom and I went to Joliet for my cousin's 50th birthday party.

Oooo my lord it was a great time!

Some of it is too hot for the net lol.

Sadly the big long blog that I could write about this, is kind of stuck and it's time to grocery shop lol

Some days you just can't believe what your hearing. I was told awhile ago by another person that Mae's dad was telling people that I was telling her that he was dead. That I am such a monster, I told a 4 year old, who just lost her great grandpa, that her dad was also dead.

I have done a lot of things, I may have been a lot of things, BUT one thing I wouldn't do is tell MY Mae that her dad was dead, UNLESS he was really dead. That's the only way you tell a child that their parent is dead, if they're dead.

Today I was talking to a friend of mine who mentioned that she saw Mae's dad not that long ago. And he told her that he heard it around that I was telling Mae he was dead. My friend said she was floored and immediately told him NO. She knows me, she knows what the situation regarding him is, she has been around me and Mae and knows what is going on with us. She knows I didn't do it and most importantly knows I wouldn't do that to Mae.

I find it pathetic and sad that this man would be going around to people and telling them this garbage. I love my daughter more than I can ever say or show. I would never hurt her like that. Why would I risk destroying a future relationship with my daughter over HIM!?!?

It is not my fault that he is unable, or unwilling to quit smoking or drinking to be able to afford to see his child. That is not my burden to bear. I do everything I have to do to make sure Mae has what she needs. Having kids means that you sacrifice for them. It sucks ass but that's how it is. Didn't want to put someone else first in your life, well then you shouldn't have had kids.

I don't know what kind of mental illness he has, but he should probably go see someone about the delusions in his head. It just proves to me that he wouldn't be above telling her I was dead if the situation was reversed.

I don't know, I just don't know.

Ok, so here's the deal. I did NOT vote for Obama. I did not belive one word that came out of his mouth. I did not belive he would be able to do anything he was promising.

I know nothing about politics and this is strickly my own words and feelings about this subject. I won't debate my feelings because I will never believe your right and I don't expect you to believe I'm right. So pffft! Anyways!

I don't know of one thing that Obama has done that I approve of. Maybe there is something out there, but I havn't run across it. Or I just don't remember because I hate everything else.

My family is Democrat ALL the way! My mom would say you'll go up in a puff of smoke if you vote Republican. Well, after years of voting straight Democrat, I voted Republican. I did not go up in a puff of smoke, didn't even see a half assed puff.

I voted for McCain and Palin. I was all for them because if Hillary, who even though she has issues, has for the most part been able to get some stuff done. Kind of like been there done that, now I get to be in charge, ya know? I figured that we had already lived through Bush, what was 4 more years!? And now I really wonder!

The bailouts! Oooo seriously the bailouts pissed me off! The auto bail out put business' in my state out of business. The houseing bailouts made me want to bitch slap a whole lot of people!

You have $1000 as your budget. That means you ONLY have $1000 to spend. If you KNOW that you only have a $1000 and go out and get a mortgage for $1500 you deserve to be slapped. I don't know how these people didn't understand that if you can't afford it, YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT so you don't get it! And any company willing to lend to them was stupid as well.

I get why they bailed the homeowners out, so we didn't have the homeless rate go way up. At least I hope that's why they did it.

But I still think that Obama is doing a shit job, and that's my opinion.

Today I voted Democratic because we need the people to work together until we can get someone new in office. But it makes me laugh to see that the Republicans are winning all over. Now lets see how bad both sides can fuck this up!

Because all I can see is a lot of bickering and a lot of standing around. I don't know whats going to happen, but I'm pretty sure it isn't going to be good. Does anyone know a good fallout shelter I could hide in til we get a new guy in Washington?