I had a rough Wednesday. I had to open at work today because all three girls were going to a funeral. I've never opened on a Wednesday, let alone sliced for a lunch shift during the week.

Well I can now say I can do it both of those things. Hell I was even doing two rows of subs at one point. Have got to love those call in orders!

I get to work and after NOT screwing up the money, I proceeded to screw up the next three things I swear.

Totally dumped half a bag of soup on the floor. Totally went blonde and couldn't figure out that you put an unopened bag of soup in the micro for it to thaw. You DONT put a chicken noodle soup popsicle into the soup urn. You shouldnt really dump the onions into the reach in cooler, and catching the falling meat before it hits the ground is a good thing lol.

So my morning really kind of sucked ass.

But I was off at 2 and then we had a couple drinks on the deck. Now I'm just getting ready to fall in bed. Tomorrow...ahh I'm so glad tomorrow is coming, even though it means another night at work. Good blog coming soon!

Ooooo man be happy that you're not sharing a house with me today lol, and last night for that matter lol. Nothing says gas like a good meal out at Red Lobster lol. My belly was so full last night that it didn't know how to process the food except make me noisy lol.

Yesterday my mom and dad were coming over and she called to see if we wanted to go for Mexican at the restraunt here in my little itty bitty town. Well unfortunatly they closed. Sooo sad because Mae and I loved loved loved their tamales.

Mom said she had mentioned it to dad because she knew that Mae, Grandpa and I would go out to eat at least once a week. Not McDonalds, and that she knew we hadn't gone out in a long time. The last time we went to a restraunt restraunt we went with the kids dad.

Since the restraunt here was closed I said well why don't we go to Los Cabos because Grandpa REALLY liked them. Mom wanted me to call and see their hours and I was like you have Grandpa's wallet, look for a coupon in there to see if it has their hours. No hours, but there was the coupon(i knew it was there), thats how much he liked them he cut out coupons for them.

They finally made it here and they had their own errands to run and I was all bad mommy and said TAKE THE DEMON SPAWN WITH YOU!! LOL ok so maybe not that, but i did HIGHLY encourage them to take her with them lol.

Thanks to Demon err Mae lol we were upgraded from mexcian to Red Lobster lol. Mom came in and said do you know where Mae said she wants to go? I did, because she has been asking me to take her to Red Lobster for a month now lol. I can't afford it, hell I can't even afford lunch there lol. We used my tip money the other night to go to Fazolis...12 dollas lol.

They thought I had put Mae up to saying RL but really its all her. I dont know why she wants to go, but she did. She ate 2 crab legs and then said she didnt like them lol. Last time she had some of mine she loved it.

We had drinks, and endless shrimp and topped it off with an apple pie alamode thing.

All in all a pretty good night! The pictures are on facebook to prove it lol.

Theres more i want to blog but really....i dont feel like blogging more than this lol. Lazy lazy i know!

If you follow my facebook you know that last night I did a weeee bit o drinking lol. Said in my best Irish brogue.

Once again, no hangover. But in return for my great night lol I get a sick kiddo. She woke up about 8 and said she didn't feel good. Called her in sick to school. If she is saying she doesn't feel good, and I can hear her coughing, and her nose is all boogered up, I can belive she doesn't feel good. Why send a kid to school who doesn't feel good. She likes school so it's not like she is trying to stay home. That will come later lol.

The teacher completely understood and agreed don't send a kid who already feels bad to school. Good thing I didn't! After I called her in to school, I checked the redbox to see if they had any movies. If your going to be sick, be sick doing something you like. Found the movies and then went to the store for juice.

I didn't have any apple juice, just some strawberry banana and if she gets sick I don't want to see that! Well I was going to buy her some bananas for her but before I could get them picked out a stock boy, Mae, and I were running for a garbage can. Left my wallet and stuff right there in the cart lol. Ran back for my stuff and the girl was talking to Mae. I didn't see any puke, but yea calling her in was the right thing to do.

I'm trying to decide if we should do movies in mama's bed, or out in the living room. Thinking the living room because then she can have her apple juice with 2 straws and ice.

With all that going on my mom is having a day, which means I'm going to have a day. Did I say thank you yet for not being hung over? If not, Thank You! Because she then wanted to talk about the house, the money, the this, the that and I didn't want to! I don't like talking about this stuff with her. If I don't agree right away then I have to listen to her and there is always a possibilty of a fight. I've gotten a lot better at telling her I don't want to talk about it, and trying to steer the conversation to something that doesn't make me want to scream. My bad, I'm sorry Grandpa; but I've taken to throwing in there a " And then Grandpa up and died on us" or " Who knew Grandpa was going to up and die" and that seems to make her laugh a little and move somewhere else. Humor is a good deflecting tool.

So she's trying to find out if I'm going to want the money from the house NOW. I keep telling her I don't want to talk about the money because the more we do the more it seems like we're reducing Grandpa to money. And she flipped out the first time I said that and told me never to say that again. But sometimes truth sucks and I told her today I don't want to be one of those families that fight over the money and stuff. Hell she's talking about when she dies what to do with the house. Um, IN MY OPINION, the right thing to do is leave it to me. She says well your sister and ya know I wasn't going to leave you guys anything but maybe a thousand dollars the rest is for the grandkids. Um, thanks mom...it's a state run nursing home for you. Yes, I said it lol.

I had to reassure her that if I was going to leave here it would be at tax time, you know when I get rich for about two months lol. That I wouldn't ask for all the money right away. I get that she couldn't come up with it right away. Why would I want to put a financial burden on my mom? AND I get to live in the house that we aren't selling! I'm good! If I need something, and I mean NEED something, then I would ask while living here if she could help me out and take it off my inheritance. Otherwise...I'm good!

Then she wanted to know how long I wanted to live here. And the answer made her laugh, but it's not for me that I want to stay here for it's for Ryder. I told her 14 years. That way Mae can go to school in a decent district, live in an area that hasn't changed much in all the years that Grandpa was here, she has a good yard, and when mom and dad move back here she will have what I had. That extended family to make sure you do what your supposed to.

Yea, I have no problem living here with my parents. Mom said what if you get married. Well then I would move, but again I wouldn't be asking for all the money right away... I'm assuming that if that were to happen I would be in a place where I could still say I'm good!

I just want to tell mom to just give me til it's been a year before you start busting me about not looking for work harder than I am. I just really really really want to get through this first year and then hit it hard. I want to be able to have the flexibility to do the things that we do. Mom doesn't seem to understand that this job gives me more flexibility in a schedule than any other job out there. She wants me to do things at the drop of a hat, well if I had a different job, I wouldn't be able to do that. She is missing her dad, my dad works 2nd shift and is now working saturdays. She's alone! She feels alone! I get it, but she has to realize that my changing jobs will change my availability to her lol.

This weekends road trip is off. Mae is getting sick and really....I attract trouble and I could see me finding it. Especially out of state and all lol. But on the 16th we're going to the hotel with my mom and my friend and her daughter. We are going to do something like a trial run for Mae for February. Mom wants to invite my cousin and I don't care, but I'd rather not lol. But I get why she wants to and she should. It's going to cost me 25 bucks, but it will be a good time!

And I think in 2 weeks I'll have a day away from Mae! Yayyyy! I might ask my friend to take her to Sunday school but I dont know. I do know that I have to figure out how to get religion into that girl. I believe in God and I think she should at least be exposed to it so if she wants she can believe. Just because we say Heaven, and Angels doesn't mean she even knows what they are. How can we tell her Grandpa is in Heaven and with the angels and she has no idea what that is. Just words we are saying.

I don't know, I tell ya what though. I don't need to be in the bar drinking lol. Because I've turned into one of those drunks who gets weepy and loud and ooo my poor friends lol. So staying home is a good thing! Burnt arm and all.

Today(yesterday lol) I am trying to not get Karma on my back lol. I am trying to not wish that my dad has to work on Sunday. Because if he works on Sunday I get to make a 4 to 5 hour drive for a really good time. The sucky part would be the 4 or 5 hours back lol.

BUT I am trying hard to not wish that on my mom. But if I do get to go lol I have to make installment payments to my friend for watching Mae while we are gone lol.

My cousin(ex) is turning 50 and his kids, my beloved cousins, are throwing him a party. My mom and dad both want to go but he had to work last Sunday and he's like me not taking any more time off work unless we have to.

So I'm torn between wanting to go and wanting my dad to go. I never get to go out of state for the fun. I'd love to go, but let me tell you lol, I kind of dont just because of the loooooong ride.

Oh well, if I get to go yay, if not oh well.

BECAUSE

My mom wants to take me and a friend to the hotel on the 16th to give Mae a trial run at the hotel. See how she will react and behave and blah blah lol. I'm hoping that happens I really need a minute out of town lol.

Hell this weekend would be awesome because I need a few minutes more away from Mae lol. BUT even if this weekend doesn't happen my friend is most likely going to take Mae over night for me in a couple weeks.

I have fun stuff coming up it looks like, but after October...yea its going to be downhill. And did I mention that I'm the official Mexican cooker for christmas? Yup, my birthday food was soo good that I get to make stuff now lol.

Anyways...i think im going to try to blog a bit more, but I really just dont have any desire to do anything but play bejeweled and read blogs on here. Maybe I should seek out some crazy and do some reading, but maaan I cant take the crazy anymore. I like to read people who have grown as a person, who can let things go, who can just be normal. In my 20s I needed the crazy but now in my 30s...I just want normal!

I've been having a hard time lately dealing with Grandpa not being here. Last week I did pretty much as little as possible because I just couldnt find any motivation. Normally my facebook is all about how much I'm cleaning. Yes, I know that gets old, but that's usually what I do.

Last week though, I just couldn't do anything. I went to work, took care of Mae, and spent an ungodly amount of time playing Bejeweled. I did just enough housework to keep the hoarding at bay.

I know how those people turn into a hoarder after a traumatic event. I feel like my house is just one wrapper away from a hoarders home. It's not, but that's how I feel. Today I got up and cleaned the house, partly. I got dishes done, living room picked up, laundry in. Tomorrow I need to do the rest of the cleaning.

Also tomorrow if the weather holds, fingers crossed, after Mae gets out of school her and I are going to be outside picking up all the walnuts the tree has dropped. Funny how everyone wants the walnuts, UNTIL, they figure out they have to come and pick them up lol. Yea I tried to get out of it via freecycle, but the two bites I got never happened.

I've been trying to figure out how Mae can see her dad. Though I havn't come up with any solutions. Ok, I have, but they are obviously very unattainable for her dad. He needs to have his own car, or a person with a car, or a cab to come pick her up and drop her off. Mom asked me a couple weeks ago why I couldn't have my friend drop her off and pick her up.

Well, I found out the reason! She feels like he threatened her and she doesn't want to deal with him. He creeps her out and makes her uncomfortable. But after the last exchange she had with him, she won't do it. She feels threatened.

In my circle of friends we believe in the It Takes A Village philosophy. If one of our kids needs to be redirected, then we do it. Be it talking, yelling, or even the occasional swat. We all do it! We do it because we love these kids and want them to grow up with the understanding that you mind your manners etc.. with all adults, not just the adults in the home.

Well somehow he felt it was his duty to get onto my friend about not touching Mae. Whatever he said to her scared her and she felt threatened. I don't blame her! I feel threatened by him and scared of what he will do. Let's face it with the way he lives right now, he's just a serial killer waiting to happen. He's isolated, doesn't have many friends, doesn't get out of his apartment, and in my experience has so few social skills that people are very put off by him.

My mom finally understood a bit better why we don't want to deal with him. Though she did ask me what I would do if he went to court. DUH first thing I'd do is make sure my lawyer has the name of his other kids mothers. There is a reason why he doesn't see his kids, or have child support taken out. Also I would be going through his family history to find out about mental disorders, on top of the molestation issues that I've vaguely heard about.

Am I a bad mother for this? In some peoples eyes maybe, but until you're the one in charge of this little life you just get to judge to yourself and not bitch to me about it. My mom thinks she knows what went on in our relationship. She only knows the little pieces I've told her. There's a whole big ball of Heather should have known better that she doesn't know.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed again and am not sure what to do with myself. I know that the harder I stress the worse the house looks, and I feel, and poor Mae is eating pizza rolls. But at least I have pulled myself out of my grief long enough to keep her in clean clothes, get her to school, read her books, and do the stuff mommy has to.

I'm also really concerned about my friend. She went back to Mayo and they asked her if she wanted to start counseling with their terminal patient therapist. She said no, hers would be fine, especially since Mayo is over 2 hours away.

So I'm just plain worried about everything going on in my life. I tell you what though, if I wasn't a stronger person I would sooooo be falling into a big ol bottle of something.

Once again I sit here blogging instead of doing what I'm supposed to be doing lol. I am just not ready to start cooking.

I woke up at 3 am and was up for awhile. Then before I fell asleep I had to text my mom more stuff to bring to the house. I really think I must be insane for throwing a party lol.

But I have the bestest friends in the world. My cousin is going to bring something sweet, I think. One friend is loaning me a cd player. Another friend is bringing the candy for the pinata. Another is bringing pretzels and going in on a bottle of tequila for the margaritas. My other friend is coming over to help me cook. My mom is cooking and helping me set up.

I have a lot of help and I need to learn how to say thank you and not feel guilty about letting people help. I mean it's my party right? I set it up and invited people isn't it my responsibility to make sure I get the stuff? It's called help and I should just say thank you and express that I'm greatful not that I can do it, it's ok. My friends rock!

The weather is something I totally didn't take into account when I decided to do an outdoor party. Every year it's shit weather on this weekend. It's because Cattle Congress is going on. That means cold, windy, wet weather. For part of the day! I'm hoping that it's nice for my party. I'm not asking for extremes just something everyone can say it's not too bad out here, Ya know?

But mom is going to rent an outdoor heater thing and there is my birthday present...the fire pit! It won't be all that warm like a fire ring on the ground, but it will be nice!

Mom forgot to order my cake yesterday. As I type this I'm calling her to find out if she actually remembered to order it. The cake is very important to me! LOL cake is my thing I want one lol. She didn't answer the phone sooooo we will see!

Ok time to have a bite to eat and then procrastinate a little more, THEN to the cooking!

I can't remember if I blogged about this or not, so if you've heard it before...shrugs..you'll hear it again lol.

When Grandpa died they put a big rush into changing things and fixing things and getting rid of things. One of the things they did was to fix up the bathroom. New tile, new shower, new toilet, new vanity, new floors...out with the old and in with the new. Well for the most part! The shower head wasn't new. It was one that had been around here and I didn't care for it. I didn't like how it moved, I didn't like it. Got used to it, but didn't like it.

Threw a big ol stinky hissy fit about getting a new one. But oooo no that wasn't going to happen. Until it did lol.

The showerhead was ok for me, but after mom used it she didn't like it either. Well duh, I'm an adult now, I save my hissy fits for the important stuff.

So last weekend when they brought all the stuff for MY PARTY, they also brought my present, and a new shower head!!

I love this showerhead, I approve of this showerhead, I think it's great! And it does everything I need it to do lol. Mainly be adjustable and it's adjustable in all kinds of nice ways. Though I must say my mom is right...The cord for it is this horrible grey color.

BUT I think any cords hanging in the shower make it look crappy. But hey she is the one who needs the handheld thingy and I'm just happy with the rainshower effect. I think thats what they call it.

Yay for happy with the showerhead!