The Continuing Journey

2012-02-09T18:27:00.002-06:00

Last night we all went out for supper to the mexican restraunt. He already thinks of her as his kid and that's cool with me because he deals really well with her. Well she shocked the shit right out of us both when she asked him if she could call him daddy and would he be her daddy. Ok so we may have cried a bit, but it's what she wants and who am I to tell her no. He looked at me and I told him that it was up to him but once you commit youre committed.

Today as we're pulling into the garage she goes I really miss my daddy. Since this is the first time she has called anyone else daddy i had to ask who her daddy was. She goes E is my daddy and where is he. Well since we arent living together yet he's at home, told her he would be here tomorrow and she was all good.

We had our adhd appointment today and if you compared mine and the teachers scorecard we both came up with an adhd child and we left with to prescriptions. 1 for the adhd and 1 for the no sleeping. Yes we are back to not sleeping again. She asked if we used anything, um yea the adult dose of melatonin that did nothing. So now its something for anxiety and sleep. Yes at almost 6 my kiddo has inherited anxiety lol its a family affair lol.

But things are really good with us and things are all progressing in the right direction. Hey did you know that for 88cents at WalMart you can buy a pregnancy test? lol yea i thought i read it wrong too lol.

family life

2012-02-06T18:41:00.003-06:00

I'm alive I'm alive! I just have been doing the whole family thing and well not much extra time to blog because im a huge bejeweled addict lol.

Sometimes in life you have to really say it's my life and i'm going to live it the way i want. No matter what others think, say, or imply. no matter what i do i'll be judged by somebody and instead of letting that rule my life it's time to say fuck it and do what's going to make me and my kiddo happy.

And family makes us happy. Though i do admit lol that the poor guy doesnt stand a chance with Mae lol i told him he needs to learn the phrase "lets ask your mom" lol. That way she doesn't get him in trouble lol.

It's the house of a 1000 crazy people lol and we're loving it!

Done!

2012-02-01T12:00:00.002-06:00

Thank you sweet jesus they are done! Completely totally 100% done! I am so very very happy that it's over with that I could dance a jig! Yes it is that time again and again I'm done and over it except for the spending, which I kinda already did lol.

Taxes! Yes they are done! And just like last year lol I had to do them twice because my refund wasn't anywhere near where it should be lol. So i waited a day and redid them. The refund went from a grand down to six hundred yesterday lol and today went way up lol like ill have a grand leftover once i get my bills paid!

Which means we have new socks n underware money lol.

Also got the BIG grocery shopping done! Im such a good foodstamp mama I filled the freezer and the cupboard with FOOD and still have almost half my stamps leftover. Nothing irks me more than watching some of the foodstamp mama's come through at work and all they have is tv dinners, soda, frozen burgers and quick shit. I dont know how they do it because we have to have food. Though I must say that paying attention to the ads and buying the yellow tags make it a lot better. I overestimated my meat bill today and was off by like 10 bucks which was really nice because I bought some soup because it was on sale. So coupons and match ads made it so we could have a box of poptarts and some chocolate milk(which i also ad matched lol).

Anyways I think Im going to go breathe a big sigh of relief and when I stop by to get water bill money from my fund lol i can tell them don't worry ill be adding money back to my fund with the refund lol.

Gotta love the bank of dad...wont give me my own damn money unless i have a really good reason lol.

Truths

2012-01-31T06:42:00.002-06:00

While wandering the halls of the net this morning I found a couple comments that I believe are pure and simple truths and thought i would share them!

It takes more than child support and presents to be a dad.

If you're not getting your kids every other weekend then you're only being a dad when it suits you.

You don't get any rewards for paying child support.....YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO!!!!

Maybe you should take the time to see your children and not just around once in a while

Seriously, did you expect some kind of award for "sometimes" buying your kids presents on their birthdays, seeing them periodically (but not every weekend), and calling your ex a bitch?

---Those comments just say all that I can't articulate. And the funny thing is that it's all truth. Truth hurts and sometimes it's good to see people called on it. Fortunatly for me and my kiddo there are people in her life who are willing to pose as a good male role model and a man who actually cares about her and would love to be her Daddy. Maybe one day the rest of the donors who bitch and moan will get a clue and make changes that will not only help them feel better about themselves but will enrich their own kiddos lives.

But then what do I know...I'm just the mama who's doing it on her own.

Seriously lol

2012-01-30T21:40:00.003-06:00

Do most websites think we're stupid lol because I'm pretty sure that when I want to delete an account I'm sure I want to delete it lol.

Things in my life have changed rapidly. With these changes and upcoming changes I felt the need, desire, drive to delete myself from dating websites and alternative websites.

This is no longer something that is applicable to my life. While I love the lifestyle for me it isn't something I'm willing to sacrifice my happiness over. To be a healthy whole person you have to know what isn't going to work for you. I will always respect everyone's beliefs but that's it. I don't have any reason to be on those sites because I have what I need.

Want and need are two different animals and need always wins out. I need to be loved, I need my kid to be loved, I need to have support...yes I get that it's a lot of I need but it's my life so it's supposed to be about me!

Sure it would be fun to do all the things I've done again, but truthfully I really like having what I have now. I shouldn't have spent so much time looking for something that wasn't ever going to work in my life. At one time it worked for my life but now, I've grown as a person and the person I've grown into knows that what I have is right, real, and what I need.

Which brings me to the first sentence um how do i delete lol. Why should i have to email to delete why cant i just delete lol. It took me what seemed like forever to get off of the sites. However I triumphed over them and have been removed

Ya know, it didn't hurt at all getting deleted lol more people should try it!

A pictures worth a thousand words

2012-01-28T19:15:00.001-06:00

Early

2012-01-26T05:54:00.003-06:00

The house is quiet! But then again it isn't even 6 am yet lol. Have probably about another half hour to an hour of just plain quiet. Hoping that today is a good day at school for my kiddo! I have lots of plans today....all of them include sleep, laying down, sleep, laying down ooo yeah and probably a bit of snuggling.

Did I mention that it's my day off lol. Sadly though I start a 5 day stretch on Friday. Which includes 3 nine hour days in a row lol. Good lord help me to not roll my eyes too much at work lol.

I have three movies to watch that I'm thinking aren't going to get watched lol. I really need to stop throwing money away on movies I won't watch lol. By the time I'm ready to watch a movie my eyes are already closing and my ears are getting rid of the beep beep sound lol.

BUT today I don't have to hear it unless I decide at some point to go and return cans n bottles lol. I think I may say fuck it and just lay up on the couch or in bed all day. Hell I don't even have to take the kid to school today because I don't have my car at this moment lol.

That is the only bad part of life at the moment. Well it's bad for my friend but inconvienent for me. We're sharing a car right now because hers went tits up! So we share the gas and the keys and everyone gets where they need to go.

Well I think that its time to crawl back into bed before the house wakes up, it would be nice to have a little more sleep lol. Ok so I got 5 hours in bed and like 3 on the couch before I woke up and dragged my ass off to bed lol.

See I'm rambling again! Its early lol but hey at least now its after 6!

Shorty

2012-01-25T19:35:00.002-06:00

Nothing to bitch about for a change lol. Ok so yes there is but that's because life happens. Today I ended up having to leave work early because Miss Mae got sent home from school. She had a complete and total meltdown at school and they couldn't do anything with her and sent her to the principals and home she came.

Work is going good. My hours aren't so late anymore and I'm getting a chance to spend more time with Mae. Driving me nuts but hey lol she's my kiddo and i love her even if shes a complete terror at times lol.

There is some news that I'm not sharing just yet; but if it comes to fruition trust me I'll fill you in.

Grandpa has come to visit my house a few times over the last 4 months. I have a clock of his that once upon a time glowed in the dark. Well it's one of his possessions that I got to bring with me. It doesn't glow anymore HOWEVER on about 3 seperate occasions it has all of a sudden started glowing. I havn't moved it, changed positions, put it in different lighting...none of the things that you could attribute it to. I choose to believe that my Gramps is letting me know he's still hanging around.

My life consists of work, Mae, and paying bills that I have no idea how I'm going to pay them lol. But I get up and go to work and enjoy my job. Hell all I have to do is show up and every two weeks half my mortgage payment goes into my account. Doesn't get much better than that.

I really really want to spill the beans but I'm totally afraid of jinxing it lol but when the beans get spilled make sure you're sitting down and have some cornbread to lap up that bean juice lol.

Ok thats it for now...a boring normal life is whats going on over here. Brenda im jealous you got your taxes done and Dawn I think you were just looking for an excuse to not have to really blog blog ha ha ha...but i do love the picture idea too bad im not as disciplined as you.

Almost a new year

2011-12-27T10:31:00.002-06:00

We survived Christmas. Mae got her visit from Santa, just barely lol. I had to work Christmas Eve but only til 6. We had a Christmas dinner with my friend and her family. We did a gift exchange and played cards while working our way through a bottle of wine.

My friend from work came over and we all played cards and had a nip. It was a really good time.

Told Mae that if she was a good girl she would wake up and there would be presents wrapped differently then from the ones I gave her. Tell the truth I did a better job than the fatman lol, i admit i wanted to be the one remembered lol.

But she got up and lost her mind when she saw different wrapping paper.

One happy little girl was hanging out at my house that day! Then she was off to her grandparents house. Where come to find out she only made it two days lol shes coming home today because she just cant do what all the other kids do, which is sleep and stay out of shit lol.

We had our passive aggressive sperm donor visit us this year in the form of a card. Totally pissed me off. You can send her a card with some cash but what she really wants you cant give her? That cash would have paid for cab rides to get her to and from. But I forget Im such an evil beast I am the one keeping her away from him lol not the fact that he refuses to use his money and time and whatever friends he has to get her a ride to and from and to provide food for her. Whatever just means we know whats really important to him...being the martyr....

Other than that nothing new is going on. Im still waiting to see what the plans my work has for me are lol. I got pulled into hr last week and told to change my preferences for work. They wanted me to do it and fuck its a pay increase(i think) so I did. Now I just have to wait and see what happens. Good thing to have them wanting you to do something new at work kinda scary though when you know how crappy you can be lol. But i am a customer service kinda girl lol so im sure i can bs my way through it lol.

Anyways still trying to figure out what all we're doing for NYE. Several plans are viable but not real sure which route we're going but for sure we're going lol.

Happy seasons to all!

Sorry I laughed

2011-12-20T09:55:00.002-06:00

Dawn, I'm so sorry but I had to laugh when you said your security camera was stolen. Why oh why would you steal a security camera and how do you not get caught doing that? I mean you have to walk up on the camera so you can see who it is and then get it right? Some people don't have any sense. The only problem with them breaking anything is that they would probably turn around and sue you.

Brenda, I hope you have a great vacation. I don't want to hear about 2 dollar pork tenderloin lol I just ate my last on sale one lol. I've caught up on your blog and it just makes me wonder how you stayed so long. He really needs to learn to own his shit. It's not the most fun thing to do in the world but hey ya gotta own who you are(which doesn't give people the right to be complete shits).

Ok so onto me! Still no net at home and today I decided would be library day. I had a shit ton of books at home and I wanted a movie lol. I have no money at the moment because Christmas is a bitch, bills are a bitch, and well to be truthful lol who couldn't just plain use more money. The next two paychecks aren't going to be real pretty for me. I had some kind of stomach thing and missed like 4 days of work. Not fun! What sucks most is that I've used up all my days and can't be sick again til May. I would have been ok but the dumbass that I am tried to go into work, made it an hour and then was done. Oh well! Let the talk happen. Though to be fair I actually was sick lol and when I walked into work people knew I was sick.

We put the tree up on Saturday and then realized that the cats make it impossible to put decorations on the bottom half lol so the bottom of our tree is naked and the top is dressed up lol. I've still got the wrapping to do, but I'm not really up for doing that right now lol. I think I'll wait for my friend to come over tonight to help me lol.

My friend's car broke down and we're sharing mine, we're hoping her brother will help them out with getting a new one. But from the sounds of it that's a long shot. So til they can get one we are sharing mine and my friend stays the night with us a lot lol.

Life just keeps moving along and right now I'm more excited about the possibility of tax money lol. I over extended myself a bit for christmas lol and tax money will put me back 100% straight. I have a little money that my dad is holding for me and I'm hoping to get some of that lol. That way it can tide me over and I don't get behind on bills. Hell its my money lol but its hard as fuck to get it out of the bank of dad.

Merry Christmas everyone! I hope that Santa treats you all right and the new year brings all you deserve.

borrowed time lol

2011-12-06T15:09:00.002-06:00

Well it's the end of 2 days off for me and tomorrow starts 2 days of 7am shifts. I asked for it I got it lol time with Mae. I asked at work about earlier shifts because i just don't seem to be able to get shifts that give me some time at home. Well this next couple weeks im off by 8 every day and I'll see Mae the days I'm off before 8.

Still sitting at the library, had to come and get copies of my paystubs so I can fill out more paperwork lol. It's looking like that with Christmas getting internet at home is getting pushed to the back burner again. I get 5 sites on my phone lol email, people, myb, facebook, and the local paper lol that's going to have to do. It's been working for me for the last 3 months so why not continue lol. There is after all always the library if I need to do stuff or my friends computers if I have to do stuff.

Know idea whats going on with Mae. Took her to the doctor and she says she socially/emotionally delayed like shes 3 yrs old that way but 5 for the rest of her. I knew my kid was special lol just not special enough to get a label lol. Sometimes the label is a relief because then you can go yup this is the deal but with Mae...its still the same...thats just Mae lol.

Our house is very excited right now we have our first loose tooth. They ick me out but it's exciting because Mae is all ready for the tooth fairy. Tooth fairy will bring something cute for the first tooth then its just cash lol.

Ok so since Im on borrowed time and Mae has to be picked up really soon Im going to try to sneek a look at others blogs. I do miss reading my friends blogs and I miss blogging. Maybe Ill get my friends kid to hook my computer up at home and ill offline blog and then later flood you with stuff...eh maybe not lol

Anyways hope everyone is well and happy because we're almost shitting sunshine at our house ha ha not really but we're pretty darn good!

bills

2011-11-28T11:30:00.003-06:00

bills are paid, have a couple to pay on my next check and then just keep paying on the credit cards. good lord nothing but bills bills bills lol but at least i have a job to pay for them and all the extra curiiculars that i want lol.

anyways i just wanted to hop on and see if i could see updates from friends before i head home but blogger hates me and says im following nothing lol.

so back to my house i go and cry cuz im broke now lol but christmas is gotten for mae and all thts left is cheapo stocking stuffers and life is good.

have a great one 11-28-2011

quickie

2011-11-23T14:00:00.002-06:00

Had to come to the library to get my work schedule so i figured id jump over here and wish everyone a happy turkey day and i hope that dawn gets well, cable gets turned back quick for brenda and those who deserve it get exactly what they deserve.

Still enjoying the house, had a party the other night and Mae had a freakin blast! Kids to play with, music to dance to and a late night snack!

Seriously....the only thing that would make life better is a winning lotto ticket so I didnt have to work so freakin much lol.

Anyways time to go get the kid from school. Hope all is well with everyone!

quickie

2011-11-18T10:49:00.002-06:00

Gave the kid the day off and now we're sitting at my mom n dads house. they needed me to put something in the swap sheet and i havnt given the laptop back yet lol.

waiting to see about an interview at work. hopefully i get the interview. i am quite confident in myself at this moment for the interview. the confidence ends there though lol im afraid of change and will have to work hard if i get the job. so im hoping for the job and yet not lol.

i am so greatful that i am as well adjusted as i am because i have it so good. ive got friends, family, love, a car, a home, a job, food in the fridge, a healthy kid and the list just goes on and on. Yes i have the nastiness of depression that rears its head full force occasionally but at least i am able to deal with it.

ive lost enough weight that while if i lost another 10 to 2o pounds i would be crazy skinny but i wouldnt be able to maintain it. So im not worried about losing anymore weight because well i look good lol. when people gasp and exclaim when they see you lol you know you did good lol.

I am greatful that i don't have to live my life online, i feel bad for those who have nothing for a life but online but you reap what you sow and you have to live with it.

heres to a great weekend and to all those actually living life no matter how rough we have it at times!

Alive

2011-11-15T09:32:00.002-06:00

I feel kinda like crap so it's a mental health day. Paid the electric bill and then paid my library fine. Soon Ill be back home to sleep. I am sooo tired and i have no idea why lol.

Life is good, the basement rocks for partying. You can dance and everything down there lol.

Kiddo is good, still driving me nuts with all the questions she asks.

Work is good, thinking Im going to interview for a new position and if that doesn't happen I will interview for yet another position lol.

House is filthy lol I really need to clean the bathroom and swiffer the shit out of the kitchen floor. Though I do think the smell we were smelling was the rugs cuz i dont smell jack now.

Did i mention im tired lol. Ok so nothing new to report except damn those pork tenderloins are freaking awesome!

borrowed

2011-11-01T08:50:00.003-05:00

so i should have been grocery shopping right now but my friend had an emergency and so im sitting watching 2 kiddos. My friend is so nice that she even turned the laptop on for me to fart around on lol.

I had 3 wonderful days and nights off work this past weekend. Hell I even had a night without Mae. Yes I got fucked up lol. Once again the guys in my life came through and funded a night out. Which turned into going back to my house for beer and dominoes. God we had a good time. We were loud,drunk, rowdy, and then we were just fucked lol. Since Mae wasn't there i got to sleep til almost noon. What a wonderful way to start the day!

Saturday night we went to church and then trunk or treating. Mmmm candy lol. After all that fun I put Mae to bed and since I had such a long night the night before I decided to xanex and ambien so my butt would go to bed. Well I went to bed all right. Except I think I need a stronger ambien cuz i keep waking up and even the vibration of my text messages wakes me up.

Mr. Awesome is my late night friend lol. And what a friend he is lol. Im talking move the bed across the floor, leave ya bruised from tossing me around the bed lol. The only problem is lol i have to run away and hide for 10 minutes to get him to go ni ni lol. He thinks im banging lol but i think thats cuz im an old lady and hes a young stud lol. Ooo its so nice to have a good booty call with nothing to worry about except being awake when the call comes lol. If i miss it oh well lol Im totally enjoying the 2 to 3 hours of goodness lol.

I had to just bite the fucking bullet cuz i love my friend and call my mother, I have not spoken to her in over a month. Not one word, one text, anything! Soooo i opened up the fucking door. Not happy about that lol but im going to have to keep backed off if i can help it.

My dad gave me my credit card yesterday and didnt like it lol. Sorry i have shit i need money for lol and i just dont have it. Soooooo im going to have to be real real careful about using it for nonessentials.

Life is really good on my end. Yay me lol (this blog was written a week or two ago and blogger wouldnt let me post it lol)

In need of a break!

2011-10-25T13:52:00.002-05:00

Please please please someone come and steal my kiddo for a day or two! I am in need of a break. She's 5 years old and all 5 year olds do is run there mouth ALOT lol. No matter how late you put her to bed she is up at the butt crack of dawn lol.

I keep debating about calling or emailing the kids dad but everyone tells me the same thing and I have to believe it. It's not worth the hassle. I am sick to death of having to explain to Mae though why her donor doesnt come see her.

Then I realize that if he even cared about her one little bit he would get a cab to get her, he would furnish food for her and he would make an effort. Hell my parents are even on my side in this one. I mean it isn't my responsibility to make sure she is fed or gets over there. Its my responsibility to let her go if and when he decides to show up.

But then again when talking about it last night with my friend she reminded me of all the reasons why I'm greatful he doesn't get her. I don't have to go through with the name calling, the threats of not getting her back, the possibility of having to call the police to get involved.

So as it stands life at my house is stressed lol but thanks to friends that come over and friends that have kids coming over we do all right. Thankfully with my job I am able to afford the little things in life lol.

The direct tv though is going to mean I have to probably stop smoking lol. Maaaan I really hate when I have to stop smoking lol. Thankfully Im a cheap drunk and a bottle of wine can last for more than a day lol.

The truth hurts more than anyone can ever know and that makes people bitter and angry. Though lol i do love how people still believe everything they are told online lol.

Its been almost a month since Ive actually spoken with my mother and life is great. I miss her sometimes but then its just like the ex I dont have to deal with any of the shit that comes out of both their mouths when they don't hear what they want.

My sister is pissed off at me because I told my daughter the truth of the matter that my sister is not her mother but is her guardian that she knew me her whole life as her mother. Now Im supposed to never contact them again. Ok fine but eventually she's going to want to know whats up with us. Hell my sister even took me off facebook.

The best thing about being blocked by people is that you don't have to look at their lies, issues, hypocrisy, and their need to make the world think everything is perfect.

I have had perfect moments in my life but nothing is ever perfect. Thankfully for me I don't have to hide behind anyone else, I dont have to hide from my own mistakes, I dont have to lie to myself and others just so i can be the victim.

On the work front things are going great! I have customers who look for me, my priest comes through all the time, and the managers like that Im constantly smiling and doing my best. Ok so Im still lazy lol but I do do my job and have even had several of the csm's tell me they think I would make a good one. So I guess now I have to decide do I want to be lazy and just be a cashier or do I want to actually move up the ladder and see where that takes me.

All I know is that besides having a nonstop running commentary from Mae life is good. There arent many extras but hey thats ok because we live in a nice, clean house that is ours and we are doing ok!

Aughh! Its my life

2011-10-21T09:31:00.002-05:00

As we all know I have depression and right now it's trying to rear its ugly head. I have no idea why except to think it's all the stress of moving and getting settled, the newish job, the having a mortgage you know life! Nothing is seriously wrong Im just a little out of control right now but Im working on it. Pretty sobering when you realize you had to much fun and didn't save money for bills. Luckily though for me I started putting money into the bank when I first got the house. So Im up about a hundred that will help with the bills.

Mae is having issues at school because of her freaking pants and the fact that she doesn't have a problem with her butt crack showing. I have to get some money from my dad out of my money so after school today we can go running all over hell and back to try and find pants that are elastic waist for her.

I let a friend come back over and he tried to take control of my house. Um hello no! I just got out of that situation lol youre not turning my house into whatever you think you can turn it into. Thats our house, me and Mae.

I think what would help is if I would just go ahead and hook my computer up in the living room and blog offline just so I have a place to put stuff lol.

Though I do admit to feeling better after I F bombed the fuck out of dish network and their people. Tell me how the fuck other people get dish on my street with trees in their yard but I cant. Oh guess what directv works...so i went with them and it costs me less the only thing i dont get is tv in the basement. Thats ok cuz I cant find the damn remote for that tv lol.

I keep meeting inappropriate men lol. Love em but man they are young. Like 25 to 27 lol what the hell is up with that lol. Oh well.

Life isnt horrible and nothing is wrong just a case of the poor me's or some shit lol. Thankfully work is good. I am such a WM girl it's unreal lol. Still liking my job, still doing decent, hell Ive had 2 csm's tell me I would make a good csm...hello a whole extra dollar for a whole lotta headache...but fortunatly i have to be there 6 months before i can apply. Im thinking Ill be ok lol.

Ok so now its time to read blogs and see if my dad has my moolah lol hope everyone is happy and doing ok.

Yet another rant

2011-10-13T10:43:00.002-05:00

It's been over a year since Mae has seen or spoken to her dad. Lately though she is bringing him up more and more. She wants to see him, she knows/remembers going to his place for the weekend. She is being mean to me and my friend sometimes about us not taking her and how we have to take her.

I am sick sick sick SICK to death of having to explain to my kiddo the reason why she doesn't see him. She doesn't understand that he is a selfish prick who has no concern for anything other than himself and what makes his life good. I explained to her that mommy told your dad that he had to come pick you up, drop you off, and feed you while you were there. She doesn't get why he isn't coming to pick her up!

How the hell am I supposed to explain it to her when I don't even get why a man who lives in the same town just refuses to find a friend, or pony up cab fare to come get her! I never NEVER said he couldn't see her. I just outlined the ways he could go about seeing her. Because obviously we do not communicate effectivly if at all.

Im just getting tired of having to watch her as she tries to comprehend why someone she obviously loves and feels a need to be around wont come see her. Hell even my dad is making an effort to see her. Next week when she's out of school he is coming to take her to lunch. And thats her grandpa but her dad can't do shit to see her?

Its good to know and sad at the same time that my stopping the bullshit of enabling him showed him for who he is, unfortunatly Mae has to deal with it.

Ok rant over! The house is still rocking out! We now have tv lol but I have to get cable before Thanksgiving since Im having thanksgiving at my house lol. Finally got off my ass and sent in all the paperwork for trying to get daycare assistance through the state. If that comes through then woohooo ill have an extra $300 a month and that will go A LONG WAY to all those extras we all want.

Brenda....i read your blogs and just didnt have enough time to comment on all of them. Bottom line is hes a doucebag who is totally getting everything he deserves and the next chick who he gets to live with him will definitly be an eye opener for him because i dont think there is anyone as understanding and nice enough to stick it out like you did.

Ok time to go read a couple more blogs and to get home. It's field trip day and of course I have the day off so Mama has to go to the pumpkin farm! Mama is having a nice big glass of wine with our leftover chili tonight lol.

Oh yeah and I joined Golds Gym for two months with a gift certificate lol. So now I have no excuse to go home and go back to bed lol. Plus they have a play area for kids so if I can get unlazy on Saturday I can go use their elipticals and Mae can play. Seriously lol id be home sleeping now if I hadnt had to go to a meeting at work.

Have a great one everyone!

2011-10-11T09:20:00.002-05:00

House is great, kid is great, dishes are done, I need a swiffer and a rake and a shovel. My dad is bringing the vaccum today , the living room is clean, there are no clothes in drawers yet lol i lost my ambien and ive only drunk 3 bottles of wine. And not all by myself.

The booty call is crazy as fuck lol but thats ok because he's an idiot who is convient for the moment.

My friends are slowly making there way to my house and loving it. The mother is staying away and not calling me.

I still want to know where the other money is that was left over from the grandpa money. Because if it was 14 grand and they only had to put up 12 grand that means theres money. Why cant i have that money!

Still no cable no internet. Had to bring a movie back to the library so I decided to hit the computer. I use my phone but not as often as I would a computer. Facebook sucks but hey I have a house, wine, and everything else I need.

My kids happy, she loves her house and room. Her friend came over yesterday and they are both excited about 2 beds in her room so they can have sleep overs.

I have other friends coming over this week and eventually im just gonna put it out on facebook that its time to party bring some booze cuz I can't afford it and lets drink lol. Bring your kids let them play, dont get to drunk, and if you do better make sure you brought blankets and pillows cuz my bed doesnt sleep more than 3 lol.

And thats it in a nutshell.

Home sweet home

2011-10-05T12:45:00.002-05:00

This is going to be real quick because im at the library and I have to go get Mae. The house is fabulous and we are totally loving it. Unfortunatly right now I am nursing a hangover and lack of sleep because well ya gotta christen a house lol. So we drank, had a good time, and then Evan came over lol.

Yup a good time was had by miss heather and poor evan, well if you dont get off before Im ready to pass the fuck out lol then to bad so sad lol. he really is kind of a doucebag lol but i find him very amusing and well hey i want a house to myself and him lol cuz yup it would be on like donkey kong!

Im slowly getting unpacked, my mom is pissed at me cuz of how im moving, and shes just like that in general. i dont care ive lefter her alone now she should leave me alone lol.

Well not much else to say except work work work and bills bills bills and i have food in the house finally!

Eventually Ill be back back but for now ive wasted the half hour before Mae gets out of school lol. Have a great one!

It's a mad mad world

2011-09-29T22:43:00.002-05:00

As you know my mom and I had a HUGE blow up. Today it went to a new level of insanity! We had the final walk through of the house and I even put a pic up on facebook. After that my mom and dad are all like we have to talk to you.

Oh what the fuck now? Seriously isn't everything all fucked up as it is? So it seems that the amount of money needed for this deal lol didn't quite take up all of my inheritance. They came up with a plan for the rest of the money. While I wouldn't mind having more money lol I do like their plan. They thought they should get me a big flat screen tv for the new house. Yup I'll take it! However...isn't there always a however? However, my muffler/exhaust is making seriously bad noises and it should be fixed before winter. Especially since my new garage is in the alley and Iowa gets winter. So my dad says I should be able to get the tv and my muffler fixed.

Did I mention that my house payment is so low I can afford cheap cable? No net, but cable would be nice lol.

So later this afternoon my mother calls me. Considering the way things have been, even with the tv announcement, I choose to not answer the call. She called a little later and I again chose to not answer the call. I have voicemail and text if she really needs something. Well she wants me to call her. Dutiful daughter that I am, yes thats partial sarcasm, I called her back and more insanity.

She wants to know if Mae and I want to go out to dinner with her. Maybe go look at the tv blah blah. Then next thing I know she's crying because Mae and I are moving out and blah blah...seriously you were just bitching me out 2 days ago.

The new garage is getting put up and things are changing all over the place for everyone. Tomorrow the work starts and it sucks. Maybe after its all said and done I'll be more excited but right now all this does is make me want to puke lol.

Yes I'm excited but the sheer weight of the responsibility sucks. Before I could fuck up, I was young enough to have time to make up for it. Now..nope I have to be more of a grown up then the kid I am lol. But that's ok because so far it's not been a bad gig. The pay is much better too lol.

I'm a little crazier then usual right now and poor Dawn has gotten the calls. I figured call the sick girl try to cheer her up with my insanity. Ohh and she's really nice about letting me be a big whiny ass lol.

Anyways the library has the net, my phone gets facebook, and I have text lol. I won't be too far away lol but its going to be a whole new ride. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Not even close

2011-09-27T22:48:00.002-05:00

I am not even close to being packed up. Hell as it is Thursday afternoon will be the last at home online I get for awhile. Unless of course I can figure out how to swing 20 bucks a month and go with the phone company's high speed net. But right now I'm afraid to go that route because I don't know exactly how much a change this is going to be in the money. Hell as it is lol all we are going to have is a dvd player for tv. I am not spending money on a converter box and dealing with all those issues. We can just live without tv for a little while. It definitly won't kill us.

I havn't even picked out my paint yet. I do have a new red garbage can...though no bags for it yet lol. I am all kinds of unorganized and not ready for this move lol. So basically tomorrow I need to make a big huge mess in the living room with all the laundry. Then make an even bigger mess out of mine and Mae's rooms just to get rid of stuff and to get ready to go.

Lucky for us we really don't have a lot of stuff. We have clothes, beds, a computer desk, computer and tv, and of course dishes. But really we don't have much of anything. It will be a pretty easy move. The hardest part will be painting the walls. I'm thinking that if we move all my shit over Saturday then we will be there Saturday lol even if it's not finished lol.

I'm not ready for this. I mean I am but it brings up so many emotions. Then the whole division of Grandpa's stuff. Yes i know it's not my stuff...but damn it lol it's my stuff. We are all psycho over that man lol, life or death he still gets to all of us. He was loved!

Work is going good. So good in fact that at least 2 sets of customers remember me and liked me enough to give me shit cuz i wasn't all bouncy lol. Ive got shit on my mind lol give me a break lol.

The boyfriend became a non boyfriend due to his own stupidity. It took Mae a couple weeks to notice he wasn't around. So that's all good. I've picked up a booty call but it's the worst booty call in the history of booty calls lol. He somehow thinks its ok for him to call me to come get him to have monkey sex at 2am. Ok if I didn't have the kid...cool, if i didnt have to work..cool...but um i am not wasting my gas for booty lol. If you got to drunk to drive your ass over for hot wild monkey sex then too bad so sad! I'm not chasing that. Though it was very flattering to listen to what he had to say all i could do was laugh. He's 27 and he could be fun lol if he can get his shit together lol.

Ok so what shouldn't have bummed me out just totally bummed me out. I lost my plates! Damn it i know all of the stuff here isn't mine but seriously theres a plate my mom is giving my sister and it pisses me off. My mom is seriously standing here ranting next to me and giving me a real hard time about this shit and shes talking to me about how i should be thanking her because of everything. I am not allowed to feel what i feel. I cant even have my own emotions and leave and stop something she follows me. I have thanked her and thanked her im not going to debase myself any further!

I am sooo fucking tired of all these fucking bullshit games my mom plays. Fuck seriously? And then tell me how to live in my house, what i can do in my house and what i should do and just be a bitch to me. She went without she this she that. She didn't do or say anything because it required an effort. Hell you want me to kiss your ass you better think again. I have said thank you. I had to be yelled at over 6 dollars and I had/have to repay 700 bucks that was actually mine to begin with!

I am going to miss that plate! The dishes are hard for me to part with because I used them my whole life. My mom says that means nothing because she used them too blah blah...um it is something to me and Im important. If anyone needs to be thanked its Grandpa because he's the one who worked all those years at John Deere to provide for his family! So thank you Grandpa for my new house!

Ok now im so pissed lol that i lost my train of thought. I'll probably have to blog tomorrow too because there are going to be words at this house! Words I tell you!!!

And im supposed to be excited lol

still

2011-09-19T08:45:00.003-05:00

sore as fuck, think im still drunk, need sleep and details well lets just say at one point i had my pants round my knees outside lol

too damn early

2011-09-18T09:22:00.002-05:00

happy birthday me! boy in the bed, dont remember the walk into the house, lost my clothes(still cant find them), drank a shit ton. Took a dare and now my lips are swollen i look like a fucking real housewife lol.

so yeah moms mad at me cuz i had some guy here and we had a fire and blah blah. fuck it i dont care cuz i just found out that i have to give up more stuff cuz my sister might want it...whatever fuck it i dont care.

im hungover lol leave me alone lol gonna eat then throw a movie in for mae and take a big ol mama nap on the couch lol.

did i mention there was a boy in my bed lol

EXHAUSTED

2011-09-16T20:58:00.002-05:00

It has been one long fucking day! All day at cattle congress...google it if you want to a history lesson lol. Its the fair and Mae isn't a baby anymore!

That lil shit wanted to go on all the spinny rides! AND I MEAN ALL OF THEM! I screwed up on one of them because its been like 20 years since I went on rides lol but the one she really wanted to go on there was no way in HELL I was going on. Ive been on it once and that was enough and that was like 24 years ago since I went on it! We did not go!

Sadly i think one of the ride operators has something shady scary wrong going on with him. he creeps me out so bad i want to find out the hiring process for the carnival. Cuz this guy just was screaming pedophile to me. Yes i know thats profiling/sterotyping...but seriously if you would have seen him you might be thinking like me.

I am not getting on another ride forever! OMG I am too old for rides lol.

Basically the day went like this...start waking up at the ass crack of dawn because i hear my dad get up to start getting ready for work, later wake up at quarter after ass crack of dawn and am still up. Dealt with my mother and suceeded in not having world war 0802397 over wrinkles and her issue with them and my refusal to say i think her opinion is the correct way. her world not mine not my issue lol, drop her off, and a 12 minute oil change place turned into almost 3 hours with Mae, 89 bucks later and a future bill of almost 900 bucks later, and totally not the timetable i wanted to be on later we spend almost 4 full hours doing the rides, eat, do more rides, eat again, see the animals, pony ride, cowboy hat, and light up sword later we have movies and im exhausted lol.

if every fucked up day could end up like this I wouldnt have a problem lol. Cuz maaan today sucked for me and was the biggest blast Mae has ever had! Next year is really going to suck lol Im paying a kid to take Mae lol gonna cost me a grip lol but at least i wont have to worry about my stomach being where it started at lol

OMG OMG LOL

2011-09-14T21:36:00.002-05:00

Hello from the land of wonderful intoxicatedness. Yes I'm sure that's a word; maybe I just made it up, but it's a word lol.

So lots of good and bad shit is going on in my world at the moment. Yes, karma is going to bite me in the ass for it; but the bank Of Dad has a grand that will get me out of whatever mess I get into lol.

I havn't officially broken up with the boyfriend but it definitly is in the works. I just can't do this. I love him to pieces but right now...sadly.. there isn't room for him in my life. That or I'm not willing to to let him have room in my life. Either way...I'm doing what's best for me! I'd like to stay friends; but only time will tell if he can be a friend or has to be one of those nice people I had to leave behind.

Ok so I got a shit ton of money today. Four grand is a lot of money when you have my name lol. I did the first of like 3 irresponsible things with the money tonight lol. Which in turn led to the realization that um hello Sunday is MY BIRTHDAY!!

Well my mom is completly worried because yes I do go overboard lol. But I'm going to blame Kimmi because she said is that the plan lol. Then I can blame Shayla cuz she said she'd come out for one lol. So now Tammy is going to be my DD and her kiddo is going to do the babysitting and after work on Saturday we are going for some tasty ass margaritas!

Ok so now to the part of the drunken mess that is Heather lol. I decided to call Brenda! Even after talking to Dawn previously about why Brenda doesn't get the drunken heather call lol. So I decided I'm calling Brenda. Yeah...um that didn't work out so well lol. I got her daughter instead who wasn't at home lol. To me they sound very much alike...sorry Brenda for drunk dialing your kiddo! Was soo not my intention. But the message stands lol your a butt for not having the phone lol.

Ok so I'm telling you everything was so good today and there is no way I can go on because OMG the drinks rocked and my birthday is Sunday and Im having rockin drinks Saturday! Time to celebrate my house, my birthday, and another begining in the story that is Heather!

Another Hat

2011-09-13T22:52:00.002-05:00

Well from the furious blog posting I've been doing today you know a lot is going on in my life. Some good and some not so good. Well today yet another good happened.

The only reason people don't work is because they don't want to. There were jobs that I refused to do that would pay me a shit ton of money but there was no way I would do them. Well where I work now the can room is the shit job. Um hello all you do is empty the containers, reset the containers, and deal with grumpy ass people cuz youre slow. PLUS I'll still get paid my regular pay to do it.

So it's not a promotion but it is something that can add several hours to each week I work. Yes Ill be nasty and gross BUT I won't have to worry about getting 12 hours on a schedule. Hell I can even go and push cart for the same amount of money. Hello its all about making money. Sure I'd rather cashier for 8 hours a day but if I can't get that the house I'm buying is way more important so I'll smell like stale beer for a while lol.

Its not like I didnt smell like a nasty sandwhich for two years lol.

I'm doing all I can to make sure this happens and god knows I want this to happen. Now to get my butt back to church a little more often; even if it is just a day during the week and not on Sunday!

One last thing

2011-09-13T09:34:00.002-05:00

Did I happen to mention that my dad is working first shift this week and I don't have to work til like 430 this afternoon. It is currently 934am. I have the house all to myself.

My friend/daycare is picking Mae up from school and I have many many hours to be by myself. I am soon getting off this box and going to do my favorite thing when I'm alone!

Sleep watch a movie! Get all comfy in bed and not have to listen to anyone say something about me just being lazy. I'm sorry I like to be lazy. My shit's all done let me have my time.

It really isnt very often that I am this alone lol. So when I am I want to just chill as much as heatherly possible.

And I am on my way to do just that. Money isn't just the root of all evil, it's the root of depression too. It might not make you happy but it sure does relieve stress when you get a little coming in.

Remember that blog

2011-09-13T09:20:00.002-05:00

So yeah remember that blog I did a couple back that said if I had a check come in the mail I'd be ok? Well Um Yeah! I'm getting a check in the mail but it isn't for a little bit of money. It's big money! It's money to fix my car, get stuff for the house, take my kid to the fair, go out to eat once, and still save some money back.

My mom thinks I'm going to blow this money but really I can't! I have things that have to be done with this money and I really don't think going out to eat once and going to the fair is going to be that much money. The car will be big money and that has to be done. For me to keep getting to and from work I need my car. Granted its going to take about 800 bucks to fix my car...I can fix my car!!! One less worry.

Ive been worried about money lately. Thats why I havn't been blogging because while things are good the money is tight. And it's stressfull and I just have been holding it in. Thanks to this check I will be able to breathe. Hell I can even get cable right away lol. Maaaan I was worried because I have a back electric bill to pay and I was going to do it this check which was going to mean another two tight weeks with money. So I'm paying off every bill I have with this check and when tax time rolls around that money will be free money! That money will be money to hold back to pay my mortgage with so I have extra money through the year.

I can breathe again! Time to get excited.....oh and did I mention my birthday is coming up lol

Here we go

2011-09-13T07:47:00.002-05:00

So I'm pretty sure that I've decided to end the relationship with the bf. Ok so I have decided to end it, I just havn't explained it to him yet. I could have done it yesterday but I chickened out. I'd still date him, but I don't want to be his gf anymore. I have my own needs and I have my own concerns and I just really don't have time to listen to someone other than Mae whine.

I have lots going on in my life and at this time I think I'm more cut out for dating and not a relationship. Too much work in a relationship and seriously I need to concentrate on the important stuff. I mean seriously who lets a doctor tell you that you may have had a mild heart attack and not insist they hook you up to the machines to find out? Yeah I'm not into that kind of drama. You want someone to feel sorry for you go talk to your Mama cuz I'm not that kind of girl.

Mae is having issues at school like noones business. She is very unruly and doesn't do what she's supposed to. As it is she spends everyday after school in her room because she couldn't get a good day or a fair day on her daily report. The problem is she just doesn't care. She thinks it's funny or something. So her consequences at 5 yrs old is that she can stay in her room and only come out to eat and she is limited to how many times she can go to the bathroom. I hate being mean mama but this has got to get under control.

The house! Ohhh the house! It is coming! It's coming It's coming It's coming! September 30th is the day I go to close on it! Then a couple hours later I go to work lol. I may be able to get into the house before the actual closing to do cleaning and maybe if I'm lucky some painting. Did I mention my room is this god awful color lol. I need to start pricing stuff when I'm on break at work so I can try to get a swiffer and other cleaning supplies. I need a garbage can and I really want to find a hamper with 3 bins that way we can just sort as we take off our clothes.

Life is moving along and I'm not in a horrible place. I just wish my mother would be able to let go. I have this huge fear that she's going to try to be at my house telling me how dirty it is and how crappy im doing with it. Hell everyone thinks I keep this house clean except her. So yeah thats my issue lol.

Now all i need to do is go fulltime at work and life will be all gravy!

Perfect Cocktail

2011-09-09T20:56:00.002-05:00

I have found the perfect cocktail for when you have no ambien and want to sleep soundly. I really like to sleep and sometimes I have serious issues shutting my brain off so that I can go to sleep. The past two nights I've knocked my ass out with the perfect cocktail.

I get uninterrupted sleep and wake up feeling pretty good. 2 xanex and 2 ibuprophen pm's to chase away the aches and pains from working and help putting my brain to relax mode. It's been working. The only thing it doesn't work through is a bad case of gas and then it's ok because your phone is going off with a text lol. Nothing like a lil buzzing to catch your attention lol.

The house. I am so stressed out over it and come to find out...um as long as the appraisel comes through in our favor I have a house! I have to come up with the money to pay off a small back bill at the utility company(maybe a check for 125 bucks will show up in my mail lol); then I'd only have to come up with 11 bucks lol.

I'm working my ass off. Getting this new job gave me work hours. Maybe not 40 but enough hours to keep me out of trouble and off the streets lol. I actually like my job and am doing pretty good at it. I'm learning lil tricks that if I'd have known before a couple days ago wouldn't have left me standing around like a dumbass lol. But the dumbass moves are decreasing with every hour I clock in.

The boyfriend irritated the shit out of me. To the point that we're back to dating; i think, and we dont have any plans to see each other until the 21st because that's the next day off we both have that's together. Got drunk and let loose on him. He pissed me off. He was being a whiny ass and I'm just not into that. Hell if I'm not being a whiny ass then don't expect me to ALWAYS listen to you be whiny.

I'm just going to let that either work out or fizzle out because I have other things I can focus on. Things that won't make me go aww fuck why'd I answer that text/call?

Today was Grandparents day at Mae's school and they had a mass for them and special people. We took my Aunt with us and then had rolls in the church basement. It was very nice of her to come with us. I drove her by the new house and told her she'd have to come over for dinner after we got moved in. I'm really only like less than 3 minutes from her house lol.

Mae is having her usual issues. We are trying reward/punishment with her. She just doesn't care though. So now we are onto no dessert unless you get all smiley faces as a report on your daily chart. She's playing in the toilet water with toilet paper, drinking from the water table, not resting, not not not....if we are very unlucky she will end up in the school for kids with special needs. She's smart but she just doesn't want to do what is expected of her.

One day at work this week my ex sister in law came through my line and after chit chatting with me had the nerve to ask if there hard feelings. Hell yes there are duh but i told her yup but I'd still smile, sack her shit nicely and give her a good expierence.

It's getting around that I'll trade shifts and pick up shifts because I worked all week to get to my day off today because of a trade. Not only did I get Friday off I gained an hour or so of work. Yay me!

My coworkers and supervisors seem to like me. They tell me I'm doing a good job. I didn't think I'd like the job but I do lol. I am a WM girl and as the shifts go on the mistakes are less and less. I'm doing good with my items per hour; so far I havn't fallen below like 98%. I usually end up between 99 and 100 for the night. Depending on how many times I have to wait on a supervisor for something that either wasn't my fault or I didn't know about but now I do.

I've been reading blogs. Brenda's blog though didn't show up for several days and then when it did I was flooded. All I'm wondering is how he works for human services and still qualifies for the housing and stuff. Brenda I feel ya about the rolls of money and nails and stuff. With my food stamps being cut down I have to budget better and I watch people with multiple cards get truckloads of bullshit. What happened to actually cooking for your kids? Anyways not my problem cuz I know the food stamps I work hard for are at least being used responsibly by some people.

Dawn you didn't wake me up it was the horrible gas. I think I must have had horrible gas so I could text you back in my hazy phase lol.

I think right now I'm not blogging as much as I should be because when I get home from work I just really want to eat and put my feet up. Hell I havnt even brought up the laundry from downstairs in 2 weeks. Tomorrow I think I'm going to get every scrap of clothing I can find and wash it and then figure out what to do with it.

I also broke the lawnmower this week and then turned around and did a shitty job with the riding lawn mower; plus I still have to get the pool taken down, and you know mom has to get me to clean the house.

Nothing is wrong in my world I just want to vent a bit and let it out, but it seems so trivial compared to whats going on with other people. So basically I've been reading book after book after book and hiding out in bejeweled and farmville. Trying to keep a low profile lol.

But I did go to church today, took communion, prayed as best I could for people and Mae and myself. I know I left some out but not on purpose and thankfully God knows what's in our hearts.

Oh and my nephew got bit in the back 3 times at daycare yesterday. You could see the six sets of teeth. Then today found out they told his mom it was his fault because he couldn't walk well. Um hello he's a year old and he just got over a broken leg. How the hell do you blame a year old on that. So hopefully they will start taking him to my friends daycare.

My daycare friend is almost ready to get her shit with the state in so that I can apply for help with that. And so far my job is giving me the hours. I just have to go and figure out how to get fulltime. Though I don't think that will be too hard considering my attitude at work. The senior cashiers tell me I'm good with customers and when I told a supervisor ooo you want me to do my job she just laughed and said right but you know some people lol.

So everything is as good as it gets in my world. I'm just trying not to jinx it and I'm trying to figure out the stress of this house and the stress of do I really need a boyfriend, do I want a friend, a fuck buddy,or what the hell. Cuz right now my priorities are pretty straight...kid, work, bills and those are fairly interchangable for first place.

Whewww did that catch you up lol. Sorry to disappoint there is no Wheres Heather book currently in the making because hell who has time lol.

Ok so I think I've filled you in lol I'll try to not be a stranger but maaan I just don't have the energy to sit down and just vent. Though I should do it once a day just so I don't clog up with shit lol.

Xanex

2011-08-25T21:41:00.002-05:00

Xanex has been a life saver these past two days. I worked 5 days in a row and then got lucky and had two off in a row. Do you think I got to chill? Hell no lol my life goes at a million miles an hour. If people didn't know better you would think I was all gacked out on meth. Hell as it is I'm not gacked out on anything lol. Well mom did buy a big bottle of wine the other night lol. But sometimes you have to drink a big bottle of wine lol.

Because my ex boss had fax troubles and such Mae and I have been denied food and medical assistance through the state. HOPEFULLY the fax that went through today got filled out and faxed back because it's almost time for that all important shot. Though if I were to end up pregnant lol the only person who would be thrilled is Mae lol she wants a brother and she wants my boyfriend to marry me. Yes she told him that lol.

So anyways working on Tuesday I get a phone call telling me the dentist had a cancellation for Wednesday. Hell yes I want it! I need to get there before my insurance ends. THEN I had to run all over hell and back to get court orders of the child support and official documents showing that the kids dad has been paying child support. Then if that wasn't bad enough lol there was the phone call from hell and another dentist appointment today to have fillings put in and fixed.

Thank god I took the 1pm appointment because I went through hell again today for this home loan. Earlier though in my rush to get to the courthouse, get Mae to school, and to the bank...I was a bad bad mama! I forgot to feed Mae breakfast! WTF seriously lol. Lucky for us the school offers breakfast and she was fed and tomorrow she will eat breakfast there since I have to work at 9 in the morning.

After I get to the bank and start giving her my stuff I ask her if she got the check. OMG i thought i lost a $300 check, luckily it was stuck to some papers in my folder. Signed all kinds of papers so they could keep processing the loan and get the appraiser out there.

So two days in a row Xanex has saved my stressed ass lol. AND THEN....i know can you believe there is more lol.

Remember how I said that just because Mae and I are ready for him to live with us he has to be? Well today on the website I met him on I put as a status: Life just keeps moving on and maaan its moving fast! Home ownership on the horizon!!

I come back later and find out that his reply is want a roommate? WTF what has changed lol. Not that I would have a problem living with him but seriously this is a big change in his attitude. I talked to him and talked to him to try and figure out what was going on in his head. Then I emphasised several times that before he can seriously consider living with us he has to be ready to be a Dad. Because this is all about Mae, not her mommy having a live in. If he moves in he will be becoming her dad because Im not going to live with a man who thinks he has no responsibility to me or my kid. So he's thinking about it, hard. Im sure we will make the right decision especially since he said he wasnt talking about the minute i move in lol.

Then while I was at the library today killing time I get a phone call from the bank needing information from my new job. Called HR an was on hold for a half hour and they had no idea what the hell i was talking about. So i had to log onto a computer and make another call and FINALLY i got the information my mortgage lady needs.

Thank god that I'm not crazy and the stress and anxiety can be taken care of with medication. But damn Im not used to having to use it daily lol. Oh and from my understanding this should be 99% done in 14 business days.

Holy fuck buckets....my life acts like its on speed and i just cant keep up lol. But ooo it looks like everything is going to work out and Mae and I will be in our own house for the holidays and it will be just us and we will see how we interact as a family of 2.

Hope everyone else is taking care of themselves and being good to themselves! For most of you the week is almost over mine is just starting up again lol.

Closer

2011-08-24T22:10:00.002-05:00

OMG seriously the hoops that I have had to jump through to even get to this point are amazing. Add to that my selfishness in asking people with troubles in their own lives to add me to their prayer list it's even greater. Then remember somewhere, maybe Dawn's blog, I asked about divine intervention. Well I'm going to take it as some sort of divine intervention because the other night at work Father David from my church came through my line.

Yesterday we consumed a BIG bottle of wine because of some of those hoops. They had to send out for a supplimental credit report because of my stupid student loan that I have been too poor to have payments set on. Equifax needed to do a conference call with me because they were unable to get any answers from my insurance and sell phone provider. Add to that Progressive who I just dropped last year because they raised my rates.

It was PRICELESS the amount of times I watched my mother's jaw drop when she found out that yes when I said I was paying my bills lol I was actually paying my bills....ON TIME no less lol. Ooo it was great lol she even admitted she thought I hadnt been paying on time. Hey I don't blame her, with as much partying as I was able to do. But as my friend said today...you've always budgeted what you had. And if I only had 10 bucks that meant I only had 10 bucks lol.

The worst part about the calls was the guy had an accent and some of the people we talked with on speaker didn't understand him and I had to interrupt for them lol. Then at Progressive they couldn't find any information about me. I was with them for 5 years up til September. I made several folders awhile ago in my email because I got tired of trying to delete stuff and keep important stuff. Thank god I saved one email from progressive with my policy number and bam we were on our way lol.

So today I fell to the floor right outside the bathroom door after a phone call. I was getting ready to go to a dental appointment and my dad and I were talking. At this point in time....I have preapproval for my loan! They have to have it appraised but we're thinking that that won't be a problem because the loan is a very small amount....Ok not that small but in the housing market a small amount.

Today I had to go running all over hell and back; which I'll be doing tomorrow as well, to get the many pieces of paper we needed. Had to go to child support recovery to get a record of the payments that the kids dad has consistantly paid. It's the one thing I can thank him for! Tomorrow I have to go back to the court house and get a copy of the actual court order for the child support. I found my diploma from college along with my transcripts; yet another thing I'm glad I actually kept lol.

Sooo it looks like I owe EVERYONE a big thank you for putting aside your own lives for the moments that you took to think of Mae and I and for your positive influence and thoughts sent out. Because we are soooooo close to having this house.

This house is perfect! This house is the one Mae loves. We love it and for the two of us it will be great! Not huge or anything but perfect for my little family. Ooooo I am trying to not get too excited because whenever I get excited something happens. But it's so perfect that if for some reason Katie wanted to spend an extended period of time with us...all we'd have to do is put a bed up in the basement for her because it's a beautiful basement that can be used as a family room, card room, drinking room....whatever we would need.

Thank you EVERYONE who thought good for us....it is appreciated....Now to get through the appraisal and finding insurance!

Sorry I've been absent but I havn't wanted to say anything because very superstitious am I lol I didnt want to jinx anything and I hope this didnt do that lol.

WOW!

2011-08-19T14:38:00.002-05:00

I read and watch a ton of true crime. One of them that Ive been interested in and just got done rereading was about the West Memphis 3. 3 boys who were railroaded and convicted because they were into the wrong kind of music(my opinion). After seeing the documentaries and reading numerous book and articles about them today I got a shock.

I got online to check my email and it said they were released. I dont know them, Ive never written them, Ive only read about them and visited their website but I was whooping and hollering because they were finally freed!

Yes I agree with Jason that having to say they were guilty to get out was shitty and wrong and they should have just gotten a new trial. However he took Damien's life into consideration because the state of Arkansas was trying to put him to death and took the deal. The defense attorney was right on, in my opinon, that the state wouldnt have let them out if they thought they were guilty at this point.

But after all the publicity, all the public documents, all the appeals....and in the enlightened age of 2011(sarcasm) I agree that there is no way they could have retried these men because noone in their right mind could find them guilty and never should have!

Jesse's confession was so screwed up that he basically had to be lead by the hand to get to the right times and circumstances of the crime to get a confession. Worse yet is that he was denied legal counsel and add on top of that his mental capacity.

Ooo what a wonderful day for their families and friends! It may have taken nearly 20 years, but finally they are free and I hope that some day they are able to totally clear their names because I know I am not alone in my opinion of these men were railroaded and did not get a fair trial and now they finally can go home!

Many prayers were answered today and Im glad theirs was heard!

Maybe Monday

2011-08-19T06:06:00.002-05:00

The bottom line is I have a new job! That and Mae have to be my focus! Today is Mae's first day of kindergarten. Though I got screwed out of my first day without her lol. She has a 1pm dr's appointment and my new glasses are in lol. Damn here I thought I was going to be able to come home, turn on tv and sleep for several hours lol. So maybe monday!

Monday....we all hate that day but for me Monday means only having to get through Tuesday to have a day off. I have 5 days straight at the new job because I picked up a shift already! Yay me! And then Monday is also the day we find out if we get a new house or not.

I appreciate everyone who is praying for us! Especially since we all have shit going on in our lives that makes it hard to have hope for ourselves let alone anyone else. St Joseph...funny how when Dawn brought him up we had a bit more hope. She brought him up to me on the 17th, my Uncle was a Joseph, and his birthday is the 17th of september lol. Um its really hard to not take this as a sign. Because we all know that just because its a sign doesnt mean its a good one.

I go to church and I pray for everyone else. The only thing I usually pray for for myself is help with being a better mother, daughter, friend, and girlfriend. I don't pray for things to happen for myself. I think this Sunday if I get to church(have to work Sunday) I will be praying for this to happen for Mae and me. It will make our lives that much better and will give me more purpose for getting my ass to work.

Though I must admit getting my ass to work isn't a problem. No matter the job I have always gotten myself to work. Sitting around on my ass and collecting a check for nothing isnt my thing. I was going crazy when I was on disability. Yeah getting a check every week was nice, but thats not the same as going out and actually earning money.

So today I am focused not on the loan that I am having a hard time holding onto faith and hope of getting, but on my new job! Focusing on the constants in my life. My crazy wonderful terror of a daughter who starts at her " catholic school" today, and the fact that I need to get fast on the register so I can get more hours at the new job! And to get good enough to not have a freakin trainer and be on my own!

Here's to Monday and everyone having a great weekend!

Happy Birthday!

2011-08-17T21:26:00.003-05:00

So this is about 8 hours early for my girly and at least 3 hours early for Dawns girl...BUT happy birthday to the two beautiful birthday girls!

Two mothers who never knew what was in store for them, but totally love their kiddos even with all the trials n tribulations that have surrounded both stories!

Two beautiful girls share the same day and both are so special that they don't make helmets big enough for the situation! :)

Two girls who have brought love and joy to the lives of so many and both don't even know how much their lives have made others better!

So tonight instead of worrying about the BIG issue in my life at this moment...Im going to rejoice in the fact that Dawn and I have two beautiful girls who are celebrating a birthday tomorrow and be thankful that we have them in our lives!

Wednesday came early

2011-08-14T22:34:00.003-05:00

Have I mentioned at all that he's a real man? Doesn't hit, doesn't scream, doesn't go ballistic and then comes over so we can talk and try to figure things out. Work things out. Get things back on track. Though I know some people have reading comprehension problems, to those I say go back and get your education.

He came over tonight and we talked, cuddled on the couch, talked about other stuff, untangled a necklace and went over my schedule and found out that with WM we will be able to actually plan things.

I broke the no sex rule lol but that was only after a lot of hugging, couple hours of snuggling on the couch and while trying to say good bye lol we did lots of huggin n kissin lol.

He wasn't going to cuz it would make me feel bad cuz of some other issues we had talked about. Told him this was the exception...make up sex! I have never had make up sex that didn't result from physical violence. And let me tell you what! It was some good fucking sex!

We figured out that it was both our faults for the way I have been feeling and what is actually going on with us. We want to be together. When we are together we dont argue or fight. It's when we go days and weeks without physcially laying eyes on each other that it goes craptastic.

But get us together and we're all good. Hell not only did I miss him Mae missed him. She got up when she heard him and wanted to hug and kiss him. He is doing a good job with her and she got her hug and kiss.

We went over my schedule and we figured out when to see each other, what possible days he can stay over and he may actually get talked to at work because of all the overtime he put in that wasn't approved. I told him I get that you cant pass up 20 bucks n hour but seriously dont answer the phone lol.

The best part of him coming over was being on the couch. Watching tv curled all up on him and just being together. I told him this is what we have to do even if we have to do it with my mom and watch tv. I promised no bridezillas lol.

He loves me, i love him...but i dont know how to make things work when there isnt the threat of physical violence.

I knew he was different when I met him...wish i could quickly get over my issues so we can just enjoy what we have. We went a little overboard with the sex when it first started happening and i let it happen. now we know what we have to do and what we have as expectations.

Can you belive i was going to let a real man, a good man slip through my fingers because I'm not used to being with a real man! Someone slap me...ooo wait he already pulled my hair and gave me sex hair lol i think that counts.

This blog brought to you by the night time meds that make me sleepy and loopy lol...good thing they dont kick in right away lol or makeup sex would have been delayed if it even got off the ground! Did I mention he was hesitant cuz he didn't want me to feel bad...thats a good man!

Wednesday

2011-08-13T22:27:00.002-05:00

I'm giving myself til Wednesday to decide if I still have a boyfriend or not. Tonight was just another disappointment and I'm tired of being disappointed.

I know it's wrong of me to feel this way and I know he has to work. It's just a seriously shitty thing whenever we try to get together to do anything his work interfers. Someone can't come in and he loses his day off. Saturday night and the next shift can't make it in on time. He can't leave on time or he loses his job. So I can't expect that and I don't. BUT I can choose to continue on this way or to not.

I do love him, I love how it is when we're together. However, I don't like feeling like I'm an option. I have Mae to think about. I have me to think about. I have a new job that already is paying me more than I was making. I have a schedule that I can plan things around. I want to see him. I don't want an online relationship or a texting relationship.

I'm a grown woman and I want to see my guy. I want to feel my guy. I want to look into my guy's eyes. As it stands right now I havn't physically seen him in almost two weeks. Sure I've texted and talked to him. For me, I don't think it's enough.

We have plans to meet up on Wednesday. I'm seriously betting that it doesn't happen. I'm betting that he gets halfway here again and has to turn around to get ready for work.

Sure I may being unreasonable, but really I'm a girl who has to have contact with my guy. I don't think he's doing anything behind my back which is a first lol, but I just feel like an option and not a girlfriend.

So at the moment I'm in limbo as I try to figure out if I want to try to make this work out, or if I want to say fuck it and just end it. Sadly I don't want to end it, but the no contact except by phone is getting old. I need to see him, be held by him, hold him, feed him all the things that you do in a relationship.

Leave it to me to end a good thing because I'm selfish. But Wednesday will tell.

Sometimes Happy Sucks

2011-08-11T22:47:00.002-05:00

I had a fantastic day; well, lunch sucked. It was an easy orientation and I need to get out the pill splitter out and quarter up a few xanex. This is a job that I'm glad I have the option of medicating lol. The orientation lady looked one way at the begining of the day and at the end if I didn't know better I'd think she wasn't a very nice person lol.

OMG lol this has the potential to be fun. Going to suck because it's work but at least I won't be greasy and nasty looking. I can wear different shirts, not just tshirts. I have the option of polos and other shirts that are the correct color. I also will be looking for denim khaki colored pants. If I would have known we could have brown or that color denim lol I'd have been looking for some brown jeans lol. So we all know what I'll be looking for on the clearence rack.

It was also reaffirmed that I'm not a thief. They told us a way that people steal things and I was like wow...never would have thought to do that. Yay for not being a thief lol. Basically everything is common sense at this point. Saturday starts the training portion of our game.

Money! OMG I will have 2 huge(ish) checks. I haven't even seen the rhealm of huge(ish) in over 2 years. Sadly lol I only get about a 75 dollars every two weeks; this is up though from the 58 bucks i did have in that same amount of time. Tips weren' always good but they helped lol. I have my fingers crossed that I don't have to pick up shifts at the sub shop but if I do at least it's weekly money.

As you can probably tell I had a pretty good day. That does not include several margarita's and conversation with friends and my mom. Ooo it was a good day for me. Went to work, drinks after work, kid in the pool, so you think you can dance(do they win anything?), and now a quiet house.

The part of happy that sucks is that the boyfriend has a seriously craptastic day. I have no idea how to get into the right mode to deal with that. I had a great day and Im selfish I want to enjoy my day. I tried to be supportive but i just couldnt do the whole wallow pity thing. Im happy!

So lol his day sucked mine was great and I cant talk to him about it cuz his day sucked lol.

anyways the day has caught up wih me and my bed sounds really good. Ooo Brenda-Dawn: there really is an answer/explanation to the pic text I sent you lol WooooHooooo margaritas and a good work day!

It's Thursday!

2011-08-11T07:11:00.002-05:00

Of course I'm up an hour before the alarm is supposed to go off lol but that's ok I can blog, veg out, grab some food, and just chill til I have to get ready for orientation.

Though I must admit yesterday was another epic fail in the epic failness of my life lol. We had plans yesterday. Grill, movies, real popcorn, chill out on the couch together with Mae.

I get a phone call and guess what? Yup he got called into work. Half way here and he gets called into work. I let him vent his heart out and told him I couldn't really say anything because anything i would add would just make the situation worse.

We just want to hang together, hell he's even ok with me saying no sex. Life however keeps conspiring against us to keep us apart. When we were talking yesterday I told him I know you're not ready to move in together and I'm not quite ready but jesus that's begining to look like the only way we will ever get to spend any time together is if we live together.

This sucks here I have this perfectly nice boyfriend and life/work/my attitude is keeping us apart. Soooo tired of it lol.

Hopefully with my new job we will finally be able to spend some time together.

Other than that the day was ok. I pissed off my kid by making her stay outside all day, grilled huge burgers and chicken breasts and had 2 strawberry margaritas, and read a book. Pretty good day until my mom who drives me crazy sometimes came home and wouldnt shut up. I popped a xanex and life was better lol.

Anyways now youre all updated on whats going on in my crazy ass world lol Bring on new work craziness cuz you know Im going to have stories about walmart lol.

Starting with a Rat Bastard

2011-08-10T01:56:00.002-05:00

10 minutes ago I was asleep. Sound sound sound asleep. Then the RatBastard Vinnie woke me up. Now it would be one thing if it was the medicated sleep sex thing lol but no Vinnie is the 13lb cat. What the hell he wanted I have no fucking clue but once I'm up it takes me a minute to get back to sleep no matter what unless I'm drunk. And trust me I don't need the drunk lol.

So last Thursday! Let me tell you what! I got home from work and my mom was still up and thats unusual. Well turns out that my dad has decided he isn't coming back to this house ever. Fast forward to about this same time last Thursday my mom is standing in my doorway telling me my dad has decided he's living at the lake and not coming here.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOk wtf is going on? Did my dad just leave my mom...OVER FUCKING MONEY? All because she was upset and needed him to be with her to put my grandpa's house in her name. When it was all said and done he was upset because he thought she thought he was only worth 20%. His kids were getting shafted, my grandpa didnt do this or that, and it was just stupid and wrong. He slept on it and Friday he was back to everything is ok and well mom was hurt and I had picked my side.

What the hell happened to my dad I don't know but him and my mom were not at a good place. But over the weekend it got better and while she's still hurt; he did apologize and explain whatever he was feeling to her.

Good lord and I thought I had fucking issues.

Now lets fast forward to a day that hasn't even happened yet! Thursday of this week! I will be sitting my butt at WallyWorld from 930 to 5 for ORIENTATION!!! I was supposed to go to the boyfriends tonight and not come back til Friday for my eye doctor appointment. But nope now we are changing plans and doing burgers and movie day tomorrow. Seriously everytime we try to get together either I end up having to be talked into going cuz i change my mind lol or he has to work. Now its my turn to have work screw it up lol. Eventually we will get it right.

Please let me get back to ni ni land without too much trouble and if you see a breaking headline about an iowa girl who is in jail for animal abuse/torture dont be surprised if you see a picture of me cuz as much as i love that rat bastard vinnie(pictures on facebook) this waking me up shit has got to stop lol hell i wasnt even getting up to go potty lol but on the other side i was up enough to tell my dad what i told my mom lol. Unplug the digital box, hook up the reg cable and if you have sound then call the cable company cuz its their equipment not yours. Good lord i feel bad for the CSR that gets my mom tomorrow lol.

And damn it ..... i am not putting up lights! I hate putting up the christmas tree, but Mae is a willing volunteer and she takes instruction semi well though i think she'd prefer to hang with Taylor.

Explaining Absent

2011-08-08T02:02:00.002-05:00

One of the nice things about ambien is that I still get up to go potty. I don't have to change my sheets the next day because I was so zonked that I didn't get up. Yes with all the side effects they warn about I was concerned about that when I first tried ambien lol. So I think now we will add nighttime blogging to that list lol.

Im one of those people who when they wake up it still takes me a minute to zonk back out, unless of course I'm completly drunk. Tonight I'm just xanexed and ambiened lol and I have enough left in me to blog. When I wake up at about this time, I must confess I become a Dawn stalker. I know when she publishes her blog and lol sometimes I can save it for morning and most times the only reason(when I wake up like this) I get to read it is cuz I just can't save it. I always save Brenda's blog to read last out of all the other shit I read because well hers is one;like Dawns that I look forward to reading. No matter what the content thats just how it is.

Can you see the drugs in effect lol I still haven't gotten to the Title of the blog yet lol, but I'm getting there lol.

If you notice my blog is kind of bipolar. I on the other hand am not. It's been one of the things about me that has had a line drawn through it cuz it's not me. I do however have depression. Depression as we all know; cuz the commercial tells us so, hurts. Sometimes I forget that I have depression and like an addict I don't see my downhill slide into that abyss.

We all know that sleep deprivation can kill; it can also send you to the psych ward(remember 2010 with Grandpa lol) and for me the depression sometimes shows up not only in mood issues, control issues, but sleep issues which fuels the mood and control issues. Control issues I mean of controlling myself and knowing that I'm ok and thankfully prozac has helped with the depression and the multitude of issues that comes with that.

However, with that said, the one thing I don't really see coming until it's too late is lack of sleeping. I find myself up til all hours, my mind doesn't shut off, I can't function in family or societal situations because I'm not sleeping. 2 hour intervals of sleep with an hour or two up, and two hours down...that's not sleep.

When I don't sleep it's like I'm out there functioning but barely holding onto myself. I start to feel out of control, I fight to keep myself grounded and eventually I start to feel crazy as hell. Crazy to the point of my friends are afraid I'm going to kill myself, my mom asks if I need to check myself into the hospital, and my poor Mae she ends up with a mom on the couch who just can't move.

It got to the point(the no sleeping) that I was literally taking handfuls of xanex at night to sleep. While that worked for a little bit, it doesn't last. Thankfully the day I did my Absent post was a therapy day. That poor woman got unloaded on and when I described how out of control I had been feeling, how I just wasn't feeling "right" and was I bipolar, was I this, why was I manic and then down. The answer was actually told to me the day before by another friend of mine. She told me it was anxiety. Well that day I could belive it because I had a massive anxiety attack right as I was supposed to start using the slicer lol.Popped part of a xanex for the anxiety and it took about an hour for me to get back to me.

So when I'm telling everything to my therapist she reassures me that its not any of the multitude of mental illness's I had listed but good old fashioned anxiety topped off with me not sleeping. I wasn't going crazy I wasn't sleeping. Well jeez why does it always take another person to make you see what was right in front of you.

I've been like this before and the lack of sleep makes me nuts. I want to cry, scream, break things, hurt people(not physically), and want to get all the good in my life away from me. My poor boyfriend got a text with good news your gf isnt crazy she just needs a nap.

So Thursday(there was drama there I'll get to that in another blog) came along and my friend brought me an oxycodone and 2 muscle relaxers. I took those and by midnight I was RELAXED, ask dawn i think she got a text lol, and bed called my name. I answered the call. Drama happened 2 hours later(next blog) but I got back to sleep and woke up feeling like myself again. Damn sleep is a good thing. Friday night I took the ambien and got yet another good nights sleep only to have the previously blogged about Saturday drama.

I'm working on getting back to sleeping and sleeping is a good thing. The boyfriend now knows that if I start acting psycho to put my ass to bed lol and if that doesnt work then worry lol. Because seriously sleep deprivation makes you nuts, it can kill you, it can make you think crazy things especially when you already have serious depression.

Im working on the depression, Im doing much better than I was 2 years ago at this time. Which I am greatful for. I have changed patterns and habits in my life and am in a much better place.

Especially when you find out....You're not crazy...you just need a nap! Ahhh my bed here I come!

****this blog brought to you courtesy of ambien and xanex****

Epic Fail

2011-08-06T23:52:00.002-05:00

Never let it be said that when I fucke up I do it small. Today was supposed to be orientation for me at WalMart. Instead it ended with me back home within an hour, crying my eyes out, shaking so hard, and having a giant ass anxiety attack. Which in turn led me to 2 xanex and a text to my mommy and daddy asking if I could watch tv in their room.

The one thing I was totally sure of was that my social security card was in my wallet. Either one didn't matter but it was supposed to be in my wallet.

Got to WalMart and was asked for 2 forms of id and wouldn't you know it....no social security card. Every fucking thing else in the free world but no ssc! They can take a reciept from SS but um they aren't open on Saturdays.

So I texted my mom, and did really well and didnt lose it til I was out of the store. Then had to badger my great aunt to see if we were going to church tomorrow lol. She said well if your depressed and i was like maybe i need church if im depressed. Her daughter was in town and we hemmed and hawed and I ended the conversation with sometimes its hard to get an answer and we laughed. Though I must say it was nice to hear how great I look, since my cousin hasnt seen me in a bit and not since Ive lost weight lol. I dont see what others see so I rely on them to tell me Im ok lol and im ok lol.

BUT i did come home, crying my eyes out, cleaning everything out and up and still no ssc. 2 xanex later and a text to my mom asking if i could watch good tv in their room and next thing i know im out. Then im up, then Im out til I had to go to work today. My friend stayed all day and Id fall out and she'd be in bed with me and then id wake up and she was gone, then there, then gone lol.

There is way more in my life to update on but Im going to end this now because the xanex is kicking in lol. BUT i did make enough in tips tonight to buy a bottle of wine, a pack of smokes, and have 2 bucks leftover to light a candle at church tomorrow and give a buck in offering.

So heres to xanex, fake ass mimosa's, good friends, and the end of a craptastic day! Seriously I don't know who I pissed off lol but im hoping to not do it again lol.

Absent

2011-08-04T12:38:00.002-05:00

The good news is that I'm not crazy but I really need a nap.

Pulling a Dawn :)

2011-08-01T21:12:00.002-05:00

Heat index of like 105 or some shit like that and my fat ass cuts the grass. Front and back! Im exhausted, I feel like Im running a fever and the couch is my bed tonight because the fan just isnt cutting it. Head hurts like a sumbitch so i got a xanex or two and a pill from my mom.

Now im heading off to the couch to watch/sleep to dvr'd stuff.

Excited about the job and the boyfriend came over and hugged me and held me so tight that I knew I was loved. And the fact that he wanted to kidnap me to continue the hugging n kissin but was respectful about Mae and her need for "daddy" time with him making no mommy time for him..was great.

So this was short n sweet and im going to take my hurting ass to the couch and pretend I'm dawn....except I wonder does she get the remote when shes out there or is that out of her control *evil laugh/grin*

Too Happy

2011-07-29T15:35:00.002-05:00

I'm too happy and I want to get out of the relationship that makes me this happy. Thats where I'm at and lucky me I have a whole new bag of books to keep me company while i try to get rid of a really great guy!

Hope everyone has a great weekend I dont have much else to say!

Saturday Off

2011-07-23T09:56:00.002-05:00

So i gave up my morning shift today. I just didnt want to go to work. So I didnt.

Ive decided instead that Im going to take Mae to the movies and lunch. I made decent tips and by robbing peter to pay paul well we can do both lol.

He thought he had texted me and was sorry. He said he was sick and whatever lol. I get it I can accept it. My mother on the other hand is insinuating that maybe hes lying. WTF seriously dude is sick. Ive talked to him a couple times and sometimes he sounds better and then others he sounds like shit again.

Right now i want to be napping but i have some serious heartburn lol. I took a spill at work this week. I worked a double on Wednesday and a drain backed up and i didnt notice it. fell right onto my knee. joy o joy lol worked yesterday and today is lazy. Now to get the heartburn to go away so i can take a nap before we head out for the day lol.

Oh Sorry

2011-07-20T23:40:00.002-05:00

Lets just say that some men are really fucking stupid and think that its ok to not text their girlfriend to let them know they have gone to the emergency room and have been diagnosed with walking pneumonia.

Girlfriend gets home and finds out online that this has happened. Girlfriend worked a double shift today and wasn't on the phone.

I am pretty irritated right now! Seriously you say you love me but then dont text me to let me know that your sick sick. But you put it online? And then when I call you out on it all you can text back is Oh Sorry?

Oh I'm seriously slightly irritated. It doesn't help that my mom wants to make it even bigger than it already is and is all like well its better to find out this now. Blah Blah yes mom i know youre waiting for us to break up sheesh. But really you put it online but dont text me that your sick.

WTF? Really and you think Im not going to have a problem with this lol SERIOUSLY? Ooooo there is going to be a very nice little chat. Because Oh sorry doesn't cut it in my book.

Im a crazy bitch lol I want to know why you thought hey lets tell the world im sick but not tell my girlfriend, who btw worked all day long....seriously irritated.

Ill get over it but theres gonna be a discussion and thats all there is to it lol. Oh and not much hump dayin this weekend lol he was sick lol

For Dawn

2011-07-14T08:15:00.002-05:00

So the trouble maker that I am and attention whore lol guilted Dawn into a real blog lol. So I figured since she had a sex story I was going to give her one back. Though mine is going to make her and you piss yourselves laughing lol.

So the whole trip to the boyfriends wasn't wasted. It was a great time and we went to bed one night and he said if you hear a siren its just my phone going off about storms.

Ok whatever I sleep like the dead no biggie. Well it stormed that night and around 5 or 6 in the morning. Hell i dont know what time it was cuz i was sleeping and dreaming. He thought i was on the verge of waking up and asked me about his car windows.

Well i was dreaming of sex sex and more sex lol. In my sleep induced coma lol I answered his question. But I answered it completly wrong.

I don't know what the hell I heard him say to me lol but i just kinda rolled over and mumbled....Let me go to the bathroom first and then we can have sex.

He was taken by surprise and later told me he was thinking what the hell does sex have to do with his windows. Fuck if i know lol all i know is i obviously didnt hear it right and hes such a horndog lol i assumed he was waking me up for some booty lol.

Booty was good, after the peeing lol and we had a huge laugh because who answers the window question with let me pee and we can have some lol.

So i hope you didnt piss yourself but i hope you enjoyed it lol.

Today is starting off fabulous. Mae is bitching about her clothes, the boyfriend is at work with a 101 temp, and I get to go to work this morning lol please dear god let the tips be good lol and not be so freakin swamped lol.

Wonderful World of Parenthood

2011-07-12T13:12:00.002-05:00

I don't know if I mentioned it or not but I really didn't get much sleep last night because of the late night drive home and the 4 am puking. And you know that little shit was up before 8 lol like try almost 7 lol.

Well our doctors appointment was at 1115 and it was soooooooooooo not what i wanted to hear lol. So now I have a doctors appointment for 230 to have myself checked out.

The verdict for my poor girl who finally today wanted food and her temp is a bit lower....have a seat cuz you know your either gonna fall over laughing cuz youve been there or fall over laughing cuz youve been there and you feel for me lol.

Strep throat, ear infection, cold, and pink eye! What a fucking combo lol. Cant get that on the dollar menu lol. So the girl is sitting with a mask on so she doesnt infect the rest of the house until her antibiotics kick in, usually after the first 24 hours.

And the Man...god i love him he totally gets it and isnt upset with how we left. Though he did ask how much sleep i got last night because i was trying to talk to him and it wasnt coming out right lol. I told him welcome to parenthood were you ready for this lol he said yes and i was all like unfortunatly fortunatly youre kinda the daddy figure now and blah blah and he was like did you sleep cuz your really kinda not making sense and laughed at me. But he got what i meant and hes good with taking over the daddy role in her life. That just shocks the shit out of me that he is willing to step up and be what we both need and not even be what we need he just is what we need.

Anyways time to take my ass back to the living room and get back to my book. I got the new Janet Evanovich and a bunch of others so im set for reading lol. After Janets book im back to the last two in the vampire academy series!!!

Interrupted

2011-07-12T09:22:00.002-05:00

We were supposed to be out of town til tomorrow. We were supposed to go to the movies and have homemade pizza tonight. Saturday Mae got sick and had a 102+ and sometimes 103+ temp.

A trip to the out of town ER and then last night I got home about 1230 because I just couldnt stay any longer with her AGAIN running a 103 temp.

Got her home, in the bath, and now we are waiting for our 1115 appointment. Sadly the boyfriend was right...she's better this morning.

But as a good mom I just couldnt stay out of town another day without getting her to her doctor.

Wish our trip hadnt been interrupted but thats what happens when you have kids.

Also sadly the boyfriend is bringing up all kinds of daddy issues with my girl. Her spermdonor is a piece of shit who cares more about himself then her. Hasnt seen her in over a year and has had no contact with her. She loves and misses him but there is no way Im going to go out of my way to make him see her. He either does it on his own or not at all. The flip side is that the boyfriend is doing a very very VERY good job of being "daddy" to her.

Im just waiting for the day she asks if he can be her daddy and call him daddy. Im pretty sure that he isnt going to have a problem. Like me he thinks her SD is a pos for ignoring the way to see his own child. But he has no problem stepping up and doing the things that a daddy is supposed to do for a kiddo.

It was bliss til the fever hit lol but what are you going to do except look at your man and go sorry that you went from single to a family man in one swoop. BUT unlike the ex, who had issues with Mae being my priority, i have a real man now who understands that he isnt number 1 because she has to be number one.

And now I get to think about this...will Mae be my last baby? I think that if things keep going the way they are she actually may get herself that brother or sister she wants lol.

Life is as good as it gets for me and Ive been computerless since Saturday morning thats why Ive been absent. But Im living life and doing it with someone who loves me and my kid and GETS how it is.

Yup I love that man, even if he is a sex monster lol

Mind Boggling

2011-07-07T12:14:00.002-05:00

I know I know I know! Ok I know! I said that I would stop comparing the boyfriend to the ex's but sometimes I just can't help it and it's totally mind boggling!

So the kids dad is the ex that keeps popping up in my head ALOT! Not because I want him, miss him, need him, want the shit he has to offer but the things that he told me in the begining he liked to do.

Which never materialzed except for the beating me senseless or for fun. He told me he liked to be naked at home, all the time. He told me he was into Nascar. He told me he liked to cook. He told me he liked a lot of sex.

All of which turned out to be not so true. I only ever saw him naked if he was showering or fucking me. We never watched a race. His idea of cooking wasnt cooking. And he accused me of only wanting him as a human dildo.

All of these things were not good. Obviously lol and with them being so untrue its no wonder it didnt work out.

So that brings me to the new boyfriend lol. He LOVES LOVES LOVES being naked lol. If he's at his place he's naked. Hell he's so naked he said to call before I got to his place lol. He does cook and grill(ive seen it lol). He is into Nascar...he wears it and watches it lol. And the sex...omg he is so into sex that it doesnt matter how sore we both are if one of us wants it and is able to give it we get it on.

Then we get into the whole play stuff. Yeah he may not be all about wanting to whup up on me, but im totally good with that. BUT i think he has a lil kinky streak in him that he either isnt aware of or just doesnt turn loose lol. Because that fucker lol likes to pull hair lol and i swear ive even caught him going for my throat lol all of which is no biggie to me. Hell he is even figuring out that the harder you play with my nipples the better the response lol.

It is sooo odd that here is my man who didnt promise me anything and is giving me everything I want and then there was the ex who told me he could give me everything i wanted and didnt.

Its totally mind boggling but hey im just gonna roll with it lol. The only thing right now and I think he's getting it is that Im his girlfriend not his friend with benefits. With having Mae all the time we dont get any time alone alone. Except when she's sleeping so we have a lot of sex lol. Not that im complaining but it would be nice to get out and do stuff lol. But again with our schedules we dont get to. I think that with him having his own place, me looking for a better job eventually we will get back to where we started. Hell i even told him i was begining to feel like his fuck buddy or fwb instead of his girlfriend. I dont think it made him to happy to hear that but he did agree that we need to find stuff to do.

So next week if i get the time off that i asked for we have plans to stay at his house and take Mae to the movies and possibly the park. But knowing my boss it will get fucked up and that will just suck ass!

Nothing else going on except i have a huge ass bruise on my arm because i got wasted wasted Saturday and noone is sure what i ran into. All we know is i didnt take my clothes off, i didnt cry, didnt fight, and was overprotective of Mae lol. It was a good holiday weekend! And today the AC guys are coming so it might actually cool off in the house lol

Rant + Update

2011-07-01T09:44:00.002-05:00

I think the ex is a lowly piece of shit! Who i truly hope keeps his job so he can continue doing the ONLY thing good he's ever done for the kid(child support). Right now Im a bit pissed off at him because we had her Iowa City appointment yesterday and I couldn't tell them ANYTHING about his history or his other childrens history. Why not? Well lets think back...ooo yea he told the mothers of his children to NOT speak to me! All I wanted to speak to them about was things that went on with their kids by him. He has no idea because he was never involved in their lives. Hell he never even paid child support for them. So yea Im a bit pissed off.

The good news is that she hasnt been sexually molested. I was very afraid of that considering that he is a product of sexual molestation and has used some very inappropriate verbage when speaking about Mae. They asked me what it was like at her dads. I had to tell them I honestly dont know and the last time i heard about anyone being there they were on the sex offender registry AND HE LAUGHED ABOUT IT! Made it into someone for me to attack and be mad at.

Rant about the piece of shit ex over!

It was a way way long day yesterday and there was another point I was pissed off but not at the ex. The psychologist we were taking her to that tried to put her on abilify DIAGNOSED MY DAUGHTER with some form of autism. Thats not why im pissed. Im pissed because HE NEVER TOLD ME! He never once mentioned it, he never once said it, he didnt do a fucking thing except treat symptoms for adhd.

Good news....she isnt autistic. She doesnt fit anywhere on the spectrum! thank you lord jesus! Her fine motor and gross motor skills are a bit delayed but we have plans of action for that.

Mentally she isn't delayed at ALL! She has one lil piece in speech that she didnt get but that could be because while she isnt fully adhd she has at least a touch of it. They said that when she gets to school this coming year it will either correct itself or show how far on the adhd scale she is.

Pica...it sucks! That is for sure the one thing she has that I was right about. Because she ingests these things its not just an oral sensary thing. BUT it could be a bit of both. They psychologist was confident that it would eventually work itself out, but if it doesnt then we just have to keep doing what were doing....WATCH HER.

It was a very emotional day for me because we found out that Mae is ok and that the things Ive been doing are the right things. I even had the dietician tell my mom to just be the grandma and let me be the mom when it comes to the food. But all in all it was a good visit! We needed it and we needed to know.

Im just seriously irritated that I couldnt answer questions about her other siblings that I should have been able to. I didnt want to talk to his other baby mama's to start bullshit. I NEEDED to talk to them and ask questions about their kids. Only a true monster in my opinion wouldnt give a shit enough about a child to make sure the mother has all the information. Because Im pretty sure there is something wrong with his youngest son but ill never know because he told the mom not to talk to me lol. God how pathetic can you get? Ok now maybe rant over lol.

Its the holiday weekend and its gearing up to be really busy. Hell I've been up since 7 and this is the first Ive sat down. Ive got laundry going, im picking up the house, I have to pack, i have to work tonight, i have to not kill my kiddo lol. And then tomorrow get up and do it all over again. Except tomorrow Ill have a bottle in hand lol. Woohoo its the weekend! Im also hoping that next weeks schedule starts on wednesday for me lol that way the boyfriend can come down to the lake. He has a shit schedule and now has to work part of Monday...sooo sucks! But lots of food and family. Ive decided that this weekend Im going to drink and eat and worry about working off the weight next week. Im down almost 70 lbs and I look fantastic. My mom and sister cant believe it. Hell I havnt had the bikini out in like 5 years lol Im rockin it now lol hell its even too big lol. But no money for a new top so Ill just suffer lol.

Have a great weekend!

The Break Up

2011-06-27T09:05:00.002-05:00

She wants to tell you that she's breaking up with you. Insert stunned silence and an expression of pure WTF?! Those are the words that my lil 5 yr old decided to say to him this morning. After he was nice enough to buy her a donut lol.

Oooo I felt sooo sorry for the poor guy. Who gets broken up with by a 5 year old? Im sure that there is some kind of woman out there that would use her kid to do it lol but I'm not one of those lol. Id for sure tell him to his face that it was over.

Fortunatly in between bouts of russian hands and roman fingers there was chatter. During the chatter I told him about my mom and how she just cant let me be happy. She has to be thinking stupid shit and saying shit to me that just drives me nuts. So i said to her on the phone yesterday that I was just going to have to break up with him then since he was an issue between me and her. That she was just so whatever that I couldnt deal with it and maybe I should just break up with him so the pieces you keep saying youll have to pick up are there to pick up. Noo noo no thats not what im saying lol but damn sure sounded like she was lol. So i told him about it and how i said that.

Not even an hour later there is Mae telling him that I want to tell him about breaking up. Ooooo good lord lol. I looked at him and said....not something you expected to hear today huh lol. This is being said while we are both pouting about not being able to see each other til next monday NIGHT! Also said good thing i told ya about it earlier huh lol. He was all like yeah!

I dont know if it was a fight or just growing pains; but im really leaning towards growing pains. He was in a mood this week and my mom just latched onto that to use as a well if hes this way now blah blah. I was like mom he had a fucking bad week, it happens! Well you said he was bitchin and moanin about so n so, Mom everyone bitches about so n so, well whats he gonna be like...mom we are only 3 weeks old...no your not , yes we are, no your not, yes we are...laid out the time frame...ooo, yeah ooo let us be lol, we are very new. I have to get used to having a boyfriend i havnt been with a man in years! And the ones i hung with if they got in a bad mood i could just leave. Give me a chance to get used to being with someone else. Oooo and btw we already talked about it. We discussed what to do when he has a mood, and blah blah. You know the stuff youre supposed to when your new. All because i said to my dad that i was mad at him was why i decided to cut the grass. Yeah he was irritating me cuz he was in a mood and it was coming across in texts. how do you be evil and bitchy to your man when he's like that and your annoyed? you cut the grass so he cant use the riding mower. DUH..but mom was all over it and jesus swear to god that woman cant handle this. Cant handle that hes not a bad guy. That im not making excuses the truth is i have been single for way longer than ive been with him lol i have to get used to a lot of things.

Growing pains...it happens!

Next Tuesday will probably be the blog that all it says is Sore be back later lol. We have a routine going and this week its all screwed up with the holiday and Mae going to the clinic in iowa city, and our work schedules. Since I work on Thursday we wont get to see each other then. Unless he comes into my work for supper lol. And then I cant guarentee that Ill have time to talk to him. Whenever you get visitors at work it gets busy lol.

Anyways time to go beat the child until she makes her bed lol. Ok i found a way to watch tv lol. Discipline the girl! She is 5 and can make her bed. So every day she has to make her bed and she cant come out til its made. If it takes her 3 hours to make it thats on her cuz I said make the bed and then come out. Not my problem if she wont make it for 3 hours lol. Ahhh the joys of being a parent!

Anyways I think some tv time while the kid is occupied is in order...all i have left to do today is vaccum, so im going to veg out!

Sabotage?

2011-06-23T22:08:00.002-05:00

You know how we all worry about sabotaging our relationships? I don't really have to worry about that. My mom is busy doing it for me lol, though its only in her world lol.

Because of the ex's that I have she is really really worried about having to pick up the pieces lol. Today she told me she wondered if there was another girl. I was like wtf really? If there was another girl I really feel sorry for her because he is constantly texting me, talking to me, stickering me lol and turning the car around cuz im turning into a lil horndog lol.

I have no fear of him cheating. We have covered that topic several times already and we both agree that it's best to get out before hand. Anyways lol it was funny that she said that because I was just on the site we met and his status lol was partly miss and love my girlfriend. Told my mom guys who meet girls online and cheat dont put that stuff up there especially when the girlfriend has a pic of the two of them as her profile pic. Other bitches dont stand for that stuff especially if they are the i dont care that hes yours kind of bitches lol. They live for that drama lol.

So heres to not having to worry about self sabotaging it lol.

Ooo and i think he is really getting to like the whole taking care of your man thing it may be my turn to have created a monster lol.

Spank you very much

2011-06-22T11:58:00.002-05:00

Oooo i am such a bad bad girl lol. Oooo sooo bad that the non spanker is threatening me with a good time err spanking lol. I can not help it that he called me and i just had to tell him that i was sitting here drippy, wet, and half dressed.

It is sooo not my fault that a uturn was made lol. That car has a mind of its own lol.

Yayyyy he came over lol. I got luvin and loving lol. Poor fella lol he finally did admit to me being evil lol. I told him that I never denied that one lol.

Maybe we should have waited for the quickie for tomorrow lol but hey he was in town and i just couldnt let him leave town unhappy lol.

Ok i need to stop lol i am turning into one big fuckin hormone lol. Between the luvin and loving lol i might not make it lol.

Too Much Thinking

2011-06-22T07:37:00.002-05:00

Waking up at 6 am isnt always a bad thing. Sometimes it gives you time to think. And ive been doing way to much thinking lol. Its a good thing though. I had to have this time to think of what I was thinking.

The whole keeping it honest thing helps me think of other things. Like the joke ive been making about getting a trailer together, i need to stop that. I realized that it might make him uncomfortable and he may not take it for the joke it is. Also sometimes i over use a joke lol and it gets annoying.

So because of that joke I had another thought. This one was serious. He has to be ready to live with US. Not us being ready to live with him. Going beyond boyfriend/girlfriend is a big step. I need to back off with the joke because shit we arent at that stage yet. Were still at the almost 3 weeks official and cant keep our hands off each other stage.

Hell I have to learn how to, I think this is what it is, make love and not just have sex, or fuck. I am a good one for skipping steps and there are a lot of steps in this relationship that ive never even seen before. So why rush it. Learn and grow into it.

I also figured out its a good thing he has a legit excuse for missing my moms party. Work and the hours that he works. Its going to be a long weekend. We wont be in constant contact with each other. I can only imagine the shit I would take if I sat on my phone the whole time. Plus we wont have seen each other since maybe Thursday...ooo maybe he can come over Friday before we go to my moms...that would be nice.

Omg horndog city over here. So sorry, maaaan i have it bad, he has it bad and thank god we have to keep it honest lol.

Whewwwwww

2011-06-21T20:42:00.002-05:00

I just cant sleep lol. Its like a fucking drug and Im coming off it lol. Had a hard time falling asleep last night and i was totally exhausted from the weekend. And then it was a phone call from my mom from the next room at 5 am wanting to know when i was getting up lol.

I went to bed an hour later than i planned and then had trouble sleeping. So i finally took a pill going on midnight and reset the alarm for like 520 lol. But with the phone call lol i was up by 10 after lol. Which was a good thing because Mae was up right then lol.

Surgery went well. My kid is awesome lol. She bounced right back from being gassed lol. She came out of recovery and you could see just a lil bit of the anesthesia left. By the time we got home she was ready to play. Up at 5 out by 930 lol and then she spent 2 hours at the park.

How the hell do you not let her go out lol. I know she probably should have rested but there was no resting for that kid. All it did was bring out the whiny brat that she has down pat lol. So i let her go to the park and outside to play.

It was a freaky day too because a long ago friend just popped up out of the blue wanting to know if i knew where another friend was. Um nooo and wow what the hell lol. Then my other friend came over with my paycheck and i went to cash it and left my laundry in the living room. She asked me if i knew my mom had someone coming over and i was like um no. So lol my friends cleaned up the small mess in the kitchen while I folded 3 big huge baskets of laundry lol. It was a team effort and my stove got cleaned lol.

I forgot what my friend was like but shes got some issues that i dont need to be around so this visit was nice, lets just not make it too many visits in a row. Not sure i want to reconnect because of life choices that she has made that i choose not to make anymore.

Did a lot of texting and confessing insecurities lol. My poor boyfriend he gets all these fucked up texts from me spilling out all this insecurity and shit that goes on in my head lol. I know im a bit crazy lol but im the good crazy lol I just hope he can deal with all the other crazy that comes with a girl like me lol. So far so good lol, God I really do have it bad lol. Bring on Thursday cuz then I get to hump his leg lol

Sex

2011-06-20T12:08:00.003-05:00

Holy crap! Did you know that sex can boost your happiness level lol. Turn you into a blithering idiot lol. I thought I was happy with the guy; add sex to the mix and Im out of my mind with happiness.

It's a good thing we have conflicting schedules and can only see each other when we do. No sex Thursdays lol and All Sex Weekend lol. Its keeping us honest lol. We can only move so fast right now lol.

July he moves! Then I have to find a way to squeeze two days off in a row and gas money lol. It is hard enough to have him leave lol but to be somewhere that you have no reason only responsibilties that you have to leave for lol.

Maaaaan thats when the new will get worn off but until then there will be some mind blowing sex!

We are at the stage of we cant keep our hands off each other. BUT we have to, THANK YOU MISS RYDER MAE!! If she wasnt around this would be moving way faster than it should lol. We have to have "family" time before we get to have mind blowing sex!

I am wanted! Not just for sex or a body to use. We are being forced to keep it honest and thank god because if we werent I dont think it would be working like this. I am getting what I want! I am having all my needs met. I feel safe, secure, happy, confident, loved....this is the very first real relationship ive had that it feels like the last.

I love tha we cant keep our hands off each other, i love that we can watch a movie on the couch together, we can sit with Mae on the couch together and watch a movie, we can eat dinner together, this is where I want to be.

We are talking and communicating about everything. Its so strange to have almost no fear. There is always that small fear that your happiness will burst but you push it back until its either gone or you sabatoge it lol. But again having to keep it honest lol sucks but is really working in our favor for a good happy healthy relationship.

Can you tell Im stupidly in love and dont give a crap lol. Im so happy there should be a we hate happy people club with my picture on it lol. Anyways back to texting lol god im glad i have unlimited texting lol

And in all this

2011-06-19T21:01:00.002-05:00

Mae...what a kid! I havn't really blogged much about her so I figured I should probably tell some Mae stories just in case anyone thinks she's been left behind on this journey.

Tuesday is surgery to remove her tubes. The doctor is going to put a paper patch in her ear to see if that helps and she doesn't need a fourth set of tubes. Girls a little hypochondriac lol so surgery is just what she needs to boost her lil attitude of im just a little girl lol.

We spent the Thursday afternoon outside playing in the pool. That girl stayed out for four hours and went through three sunscreen applications and finally said Mom i wanna go inside lol.

Her, me, and him all sat down for dinner the last two nights. Im trying to teach her to slow down when she eats and to keep her mouth closed lol. I've taught her to use her spoon and fork together so she doesnt slurp off the plate lol.

We spent a couple days last week curled up on the couch watching movies. She's done a lot of lap sitting lately.

Tonight lol I had her up in the air. She was on my feet and I lifted my legs and her up. Fun for her good exercise for the mama lol.

Today she said her favorite part of the day was going to the cemetary to see grandpa cuz we miss him. Sooo very sweet but i also think possibly manipulative to try to get something she wants because its pretty much what i said to her earlier so who knows. She is 5 after all, they all have issues lol.

We went to church the last couple sundays at 8 and then today we went to church in Oelwein. We sat with what would be her Great Great Aunt and then went to the cemetary together. We fixed the flags and Mae helped tape the flags and flowers. Then Mae took the invitation quick to lunch lol. I have no money, Im broke. So now I have to figure out a way to return the favor lol.

I found out earlier from my Aunts daughter that she really enjoyed being with me and Mae. That she told her all about the lunch, the things i was trying to teach her. She was even surprised when Mae started saying the Our Father in church today. Truth be told so was I because she usually wont do it in church. Then, thank you lord jesus for giving me a brain lol, my Aunt says to me something about her learning the Hail Mary. I laughed and told her we were actually working on it lol and she knew some to most of it.

It was a sad but good day. I really enjoyed it. The only bad thing was that he ended up working a 14 hour shift. He's not real happy. But Im a good girlfriend and I have a towel ready in the bathroom for him, a plate ready to throw in the microwave, and then there is always my charming self lol.

Well hell guess he's right, keep yourself busy and the time goes faster. Time to heat up some dinner I think.

Texting

2011-06-19T17:51:00.003-05:00

Ok so as I sit here blogging and texting my teeny tiny brain had a thought and of course you know I have to share it. I am so freaking happy and in love it's unreal. If I knew this was what it was like to have a nice normal guy for a Man, I'd have done this a long time ago. No he isn't perfect and neither am I. No we havn't had the first fight yet. Yes, he said he loved me first!

We were talking in bed earlier and he said something to the effect that it was kinda like love at first sight when we first met for him. Of course the smart ass that I am lightened the moment by saying yeah cuz i had my sexy clothes on lol. Which I looked hot that night! The one time I dont have a picture lol but the picture is in his head where it counts lol.

Back to the point of the blog: texting. We are texting like mad. There has been a couple of the texts that were suggestive but the majority of them are just talking like you would in an instant message. (heres the tmi) As I'm texting with him I'm missing him and wanting him lol. I mean WANTING him lol to the point of wet panties lol. And that got me to thinking about Brenda and her situation.

And then I got pissed off for her. Because I totally get what the problem is and how he doesn't see that his texting no matter what kind is WRONG. If you are going to be texting someone and your attached you text the person youre attached to. Texting if used properly, im finding out, can make you closer, make you realize that you miss the person, realize that you want to be with that person and when you get to be together it makes it better. Because in texting; like in an instant message, you are able to be more free and say things you wouldnt in face to face conversation for fear of a look or something that would make you feel stupid or uncomfortable. If you have conflicting schedules like we do texting helps us stay connected to that feeling we have when we are together.

I can not believe that he doesn't understand how wrong he is and how much he is hurting Brenda. I think that it is absolute crap that he has so little respect for her that he acts like that.

That in turn makes me pray hard that she can get out and find the nice guy. Maybe this is all because Im happy but I really truly honestly understand now where she is coming from in her hurt and anger over texting. I want to shake that man until he gets it because that is in my opinion as bad if not worse than actually committing a sexual contact act. There is more of an emotional connection. And then as im pissed off for her, im pissed off at the girls who just dont get what hes doing, and then pissed off that these girls are so fucking stupid.

Sooo heres to everything working out the way it should and karma finding the right home for ooo say a couple years. I love you karma dont come bite me lol

Friday Night

2011-06-18T01:02:00.002-05:00

So technically its saturday morning lol but when I started drinking it was Friday night lol. My cheap ass wine was on sale today and my mommy bought some for me lol. I drank 97% of the bottle the other 3% my friend drank. Ok so maybe I drank 99% of it lol. But that happens lol.

And as usually happens when you drink you get sentimental and you get real with yourself. I love that man. I am glad I foun him. Im glad that he wants me and my kid.

Yup Im a bit fucked up but i didnt drunk dial him lol or drunk text him lol. He will be here tomorrow and all will be right in our world for a couple days.

Brenda....thank you for your comments. Its hard to be happy and going with the happy I have had to make a couple decisions that I kinda hate.

Ive decided that I should probably in the best interest of this new relationship drop a couple friendships that I have had for years. Not because I dont like them anymore but because they will try to ruin my happiness. I really like this guy and not being friends with these two people anymore doesnt break my heart. It hurts that I cant be friends with them because they wont like my happiness but i like my happiness and Im not going to jeopordize it.

Its really really scary what im going through and as much as i dont want to fuck it up Im doing everything in my power to fuck it up lol. I figure if he wants to leave do it sooner rather than later because that way im the only one who is hurt.

We are addicted to each other. He's addicted to me and Mae and Mae and I are addicted to him. Soon we will find ourselves spending a few days together in his place just us. Im afraid we wont want to leave.

Sooo lol my drunk ass is going to go to bed and hopefully dream of all the possibilities that could be.

Sigh.....why must i be a girl lol

Ohh the differences

2011-06-16T21:12:00.003-05:00

I am so happy about all the differences from other relationships to this one. I have to stop comparing them because when I was with them there were reasons and things i liked about them that kept me there. But this guy is soooo not any of the other guys. Everyday it just keeps growing and I am greatful.

Tonight I thanked him for doing someone else's job and not minding. Letting my girl sit with him, hug him, talking to her, hell he even learned quick that if you misplace something the first person to ask is Mae lol.

It hit me as we sat outside tonight that Mae hasn't seen her dad in almost a full year. If you ask him its because im a big mean bitch. But reality is that his smoking and drinking are more important that him using that money to take a taxi to pick his kid up. I have the emails saved that show exactly what he needed to do to see her. In a year he has CHOSEN to not see her. To only do take responsibility through his child support.

In the almost two months that he's been coming around the house he has been way more of a dad to her than her actual father. I told him tonight that I appreciate it. He doesn't understand how if I told him how to see the kid why he chooses not to see her. He even offered to go with me to take her over, but to be honest after all the bs that has come from him Id be afraid he wouldnt let me get her back if we went and did that. I would much rather wait for late night fun then have all day fun because she isnt here. She is the priority and always will be. He gets that! Thank god he does or else this wouldnt work.

He told me today of some places that are hiring in his town and I dont know if I can actually commit to moving there lol. I need to check it out and as soon as he gets into his place it looks like I may have to take a few days off work to go stay with him. While were there we can visit my family, the cemetary, and the park. He can get used to us being there lol cuz im difficult to live with lol.

But he said it! He was afraid to say it and said he knows its early but its how he feels. He told me he loves me! And its not the sex or the cooking lol because that didnt start til after we became an item lol. Go me lol the only self control I had lol.

I really really am happy and I even bought him a Fathers day card and Ill write a little note in it thanking him for the moments of "daddy" joy he has brought to my girly!

I cant believe i found him. I cant believe he loves my crazy ass and is ok with my family. Heres the funny thing...im not worried about being so crazy for him. This just feels sooo right! And he said it first lol so um yay i get to be in charge roflmao. Naaa its a 50/50 kind of thing. I almost didnt go out with him, now im really glad i did because I would have missed something special.

Heres to taking a chance!

Keeping Us Honest

2011-06-15T00:00:00.002-05:00

The best thing about our relationship is the time we are forced to spend apart. It keeps us honest. It sucks but we have to spend time apart. We dont want to but it just makes it all the nicer when we get to see each other again.

We have all this technology but we have to work at this. We have to do it the old fashioned way. The way that worked for years and years and now doesn't happen that often.

With texts, phone calls, and the stickers we leave each other on the site we met, we get to romance each other. We get to appreciate the time we do get to spend together.

Its hard but its keeping us honest, if that makes sense.

It gives us something to look forward to, hell even if we were living together his work schedule would help keep us honest. He works a couple 12 hour days and maaaan it sucks, but when he gets back here its so nice.

This is all so new to me that I dont like keeping it honest lol I dont want to keep it honest. But life is making us do the work. He will be moving to his new apartment July 1st if everything goes as planned. He also is getting a couch that will pull out so that Mae and I can stay. I think I'm going to ask for a couple days off at work so that we can spend a few days together totally alone lol. No mom or dad to worry about, just Mae and shes part of the package so it would be what real life is like together.

I told him tonight though i dont know if im going to like staying at his place because there really won't be a reason for us to leave except for me to go to work. Hell he even said he would help me with gas so we can make the 45 minute drive to be with him. WTH lol I cant even get the kids dad to pony up gas money for her to visit and this man who also has child support to pay, and a car to pay for and insurance is able to and willing to pay for us to be able to be with him.

How the hell did this happen? Oh wait thats right! I DONT CARE! Because I deserve this! I wish I would have been smart enough to check out my other relationships online(well the ones where it was available technology lol) it would have maybe saved me some heartache. Ok who am I kidding lol i probably would have done it anyways. But this guy lol traffic tickets and nothing on the sex offender registry. Sweeeet!

I have a very bad feeling lol that once we start spending time with him alone alone, Mae and I wont be home very often. It just seems so right! It feels so right!

So because im greedy, selfish, whiny, and clingy lol I invited him over for supper after he gets off work on Thursday. OMG i have to fucking make gravy because he wants like a hot beef sandwhich lol. Maaan gravy is something I can make but I cant have lol. So because Im a good girlfriend lol Ill be making gravy for him lol.

Did I mention that he really likes my cooking lol. So much so that Monday he had an Al Bundy moment lol. Pants had to be undone and then he tried to nap in the chair lol.

Ok so it's late and tomorrow has already gotten here lol and there is lots to do tomorrow. Hope everyone is doing good and I will try to not be such a neglectful friend. So ill be texting or calling and leaving stupid messages Brenda Dawn lol beware lol Oh and my texts only vibrate the phone so you are welcome to text anytime you want and if i hear it ill answer if not lol ill get it in the morning. Thanks for your support and opinions on this because my girlfriends opinions mean a lot!

Are you sick of me yet lol

2011-06-13T21:22:00.002-05:00

It was another great weekend. Seriously sucks when Monday rolls around and he goes back home. We have gotten really attached to each other. I know it seems quick, but after a good girl session with my friend...i know its ok. Sometimes it just happens like this and there isn't anything you can do to stop it. And for that matter you don't want to stop it.

I am totally loving the fact that I don't have any fear of him. I have never had that, I have never felt that my Man would stand by me, up for me, and not try to hurt me and tear me down. I know I'm a broken record but I really don't care. I am totally enjoying myself.

I do know that I did it right by not having sex with him right away. I think that gave us a little time to see that we can hang out, go out, and be together and have fun. It's not based on sex. Like he keeps telling me sex is the bonus. And the sex is pretty darn good lol. We are at that jackrabbit stage lol where you just can't get enough of each other. Wake each other up at 3am and pray that the dvd player doesnt stop working lol.

Mae is pretty happy with all of this too. So happy that he looked at me and said he didn't know who was more attached to him me or her lol. Last night we were all three cuddled up on the couch watching a movie before she went to bed. I sent her to go potty and she comes back and says hi mom, hi dad....he didn't freak! He said to her patience Mae lol and then we both went shes 5 she cant help herself lol. Hell she all but applauded today when we shared a kiss lol. She is benefitting from this short relationship as much as I am.

We have already worked through one issue and done it the right way. He was very flattered that I was jealous but appreciated the fact that I came to the right conclusion. Im surprised that I did lol because usually I let my emotions kill me lol. But the bottom line was whatever was going on in his life before me, is just that, before me! Its the after that I get to have a say in lol.

And I'm pretty sure he's half in love with me lol. He almost said it tonight before he left. We have been saying I like you to each other because well its more appropriate and way less scary to say. And tonight he went to say i like you and almost slipped. I think he was worried what I would think because its so soon.

HOWEVER as my girl session revealed sometimes this is just how it happens! You cant control it.

I just really really am happy. Im glad that i got to a place in my life that im happy with me. Im glad that I took the chance and asked him to meet me at the bar. Im happy that I said yes to going out on that first, second, and third date. Im glad that he is who he is. I have found what so far seems to be the most real man ever.

I cant help smiling. This is the first time everything seems right, even if it is moving faster then we both wanted it to lol. He is someone i think who will help make my and Mae's life complete, who will be a helpmate and a friend. And i am soo in like that its bordering very closely on love.

Who gives a crap that its fast! Sometimes it happens and we were both lucky to be in a good place to find each other. And yes at church yesterday I thanked god for sending me this man and for it being a good man. My friend said maybe it was Grandpa who sent him to me and maybe it was. But whoever whatever I am greatful and thankful!

And to prove what a great guy he is lol he cut my grass in the backyard, appreciates the little things, and basically is pushing all the right buttons in the best way possible!

Sooo seriously Stupid lol

2011-06-12T12:14:00.002-05:00

Seriously seriously I am stupidly happy! Its moving fast but damn we are still in the honeymoon phase lol. The middle is where you want to get to, put I dont think im in that big a hurry to get there lol.

We are so bad with each other! We just want to spend as much time with each other as possible gas prices be damned lol. His mom is starting to get on him about him having enough gas to get back n forth to work because he is spending so much time here lol and my mom is sick of hearing about him lol.

My friends are deliriously happy for me because I AM SO DAMNED STUPID! Hell Ive got a girlfriend coming over here in a little bit so we can be girly and stupid lol.

I know this kind of happiness doesnt last, it evolves into something different. But never have I felt this happy with a man. I dont have any fear he is going to hit me, he has money to come see me, and hell he genuinly likes my kid.

Yes I know I keep repeating myself but i just cant belive that after all the douchebags I was with, finally a good one has come out! AND that list of things I wanted in a guy...well he has them all.

Last night knowing he was going to be here waiting I was in such a hurry to get home I totally forgot to do the small safe at work lol. Then waking up with him, god really? are you supposed to feel this way? Am I supposed to feel this way?

This morning I totally shocked him, im pretty sure by his response, because I had his lunch and his morning starbucks ready for him to go. And by ready I mean all shook up and the cellophane off it. He told he didnt know what to think lol.

Well sorry bout your luck buddy but this is part of being with me. If I'm up then Ill help get you off to work. If Im not Ill tell you the night before where your stuff is. I think he's going to like being with me lol. Ok he already does but ya know lol.

Plus i think I may have also shocked him by having the housework here done and dinner going before noon. Hell the only two things Im not doing today are cutting the grass and completly cleaning the bathroom, otherwise everything is done but folding the laundry lol.

I told my mom today that maybe i had to go through those bad relationships to be able to just enjoy this one, whether its for another week or tonight, or forever. I like being in like! Though I think its working on the other L word lol. See what having a nice guy will do lol.

My mom keeps telling me to not twist him lol but hey he already likes to pull my hair and i think he's getting into the lil pats on the ass, and he is the one who brought up the handcuffs not me lol.

It is so weird having all my needs that a man can meet being met. None of the other ones met them this well. They met some of them but not all of them. I love that he wants to be with me, hold me, touch me, kiss me, and everything else. But i really like that he likes the whole package and that includes Mae.

My friend is here so Im off to be girly and stupid lol

Smile

2011-06-10T16:56:00.002-05:00

I'm really enjoying this whole having a new boyfriend thing lol. It's nice to know that I get to be there for someone when they have a rough day and want to share. I went to the store today and since it's the weekend and he is supposed to be here two nights this weekend I bought some supplies for him.

I told him that I got him something and he was all you don't have to do that. I was like but it made me happy to do it and you've already bought me a pack of smokes, dinner and a movie, and driven me and Mae around. I don't think some starbucks and hot pockets are a big deal lol.

Mae is way head over heels in love! She loves it when he shows up like he did this morning, even if its just for a little bit. When she got back from running with my dad the first thing she said is Where is he? Told her that he had to work but he'd be back tomorrow. That turned her frown right back around.

She is also enjoying mommy's new relationship because she benefits from it. She gets to have a "daddy" again and he is wonderful with her. He's already come up with a day trip for the three of us and then a trip to the movies for us. AND i never asked him, he brought up the day trip and then when he found out I was taking her to the movies he said NO I'll take you guys to the movies.

I love that its the new stage but what i really really love is that he is NOTHING like any of my past relationships and I just can't get over how lucky I am to have found someone like this. He wants to be with me and my kid, he wants to talk to me, cuddle me, make me feel good just like i want to do for him.

I really hope this continues on the path its on because for the first time in my adult life I feel like someone genuinly likes me for me and not for any of the quirks that i have that makes me ooo soo fun!

Disappointment

2011-06-09T23:27:00.002-05:00

I am sooo disappointed lol. And it really is my fault lol I jinxed it lol. We have kind of settled on a schedule of Friday Saturday and Sunday nights as possible sleep overs. The only time Friday and Saturday really don't work is if I have to work at night because he goes to work so early and for so long. Considering we are in the screw like rabbits stage lol having to work early and staying the night doesnt work if I work til 10.

This Friday I have off..woohoo and he was going to come over watch a movie with Mae and me and then we would go to bed. Well now my dad has to work so boohoo no Friday night! But he decided that he would come over Saturday instead and be here waiting for me; asleep or not lol in bed so we can do the things we do. No not just sex lol.

I really wish that his apartment was going to be a 2 bedroom that way Mae and I could go over more often, but it's not. So we will have to settle for what we have. And depending on where things go who knows again maybe we will move to his town. I have lots of family there so it's not like we would be alone.

I told him the universe is conspiring against us to force us to slow down lol. But when you find someone you like its hard to take it slow. I am also loving the fact that its not a lifestyle relationship. While I made a nice lifestyle girl....this is actually a bit nicer because I don't have to worry about protocols, am i doing this right, will i get punished you know all the things that make a lifestyle relationship.

BUT lol i think he may be willing to experiment lol. Though I told him that Im not with him for all that. Im with him because he's nice to me and Mae and everytime we are together we just have a lot of fun.

So i am enjoying the hell out of our honeymoon and cant wait to get to the middle....dont want to rush the new off it too fast lol.

Random

2011-06-09T01:03:00.002-05:00

You know you do all your best thinking on the pot. Well I was just there and I thought of something so completly fucked up but so true. I owe all my ex's a big hand for everything they ever did to me. Especially the last ex because he made it possible for another person who was dumped on by a woman to find out what its like to be the man in the relationship.

To have someone who does things for them not because they want them to do it but because thats how the person is.

My poor guy had a shit ex and that was pretty much what his mom told me when I met her. Well the poor guy is a little lost i think because I do so much stuff.

Not because i have to do it, but because its just who i am. We had the big talk about how i evolved into the person i am today. I showed him pictures of things that i had done and we had a good discussion about it. It may have freaked him out a little but i think that he was ok with it when i told him i didnt expect him to do that and that i wasnt with him because i wanted him to do that.

i want him to keep doing everything hes doing now. i want us to keep having fun. i want my daughter to see a nice man. And if it doesnt go anywhere at least she had someone to show her kindness.

i think we are moving a bit fast but i think we are both at a point in our lives where if you find a good fit why not see what happens. im sure there are going to be things that irritate me about him and vice versa, but hell so far my family is approving. They were a bit shocked with this guy because of the other ltr's i had and who i had them with lol.

But then again its hard to fake who you are when the majority of your conversation is face to face interaction. Ooo and i dont know if i said this before or not, but remember that list of things a guy for me would have to have? Yea well he has them all lol.

I know youre not supposed to brag about how happy you are but man im happy right now. I also think its funny that now that i have someone the guy from awhile ago who never would meet me as friends decided to try to put his 2 cents in about my vanilla relationship. Well ya know what my vanilla relationship is meeting everyone of my needs. In my lifestyle relationship the "sessions" were treats, they werent the day to day things. The day to day things was dinner, cleaning, being there for my guy....and guess what lol in the almost 3 months i've known this guy lol thats what ive been doing lol. like i said before hes not into the lifestyle, but its ok with me because he doesnt know it but he strokes all my submissive buttons and I dont have to be defined by a label and im thinking that vanilla isnt such a bad flavor...especially when i told him i dont break and if he ever feels the need to give into his animal instincts lol i was that girl lol. I must confess he has a mean hair pull lol.

Ok I better go to bed because Im starting to think naughty thoughts and he isnt here lol. BUT he found out what a quickie is and how much fun it can be!

4 Days Old....

2011-06-08T23:08:00.002-05:00

Wow it's really been a big change over the last four days! I went from being single and avoiding sex to taken and fucking like rabbits lol. Well that's just because the new hasn't worn off yet lol. Him and I had a discussion about that and we both agree once the new wears off we will figure out a schedule system or something lol.

He said something that made my heart just melt yesterday. He took me to see my Grandpa and when I pointed out all the headstones that belong to us I did like a introduction to my Grandpa. And he said Nice to meet you Sir. Oooo i tell you what I just was all warm and fuzzy.

There has been one issue that really sucks....jealousy! He has some psycho who before we were anything other than dating who came after me via a message and then after we did the whole high school thing and changed our relationship status she came at me again. The funniest thing about the lies her psycho ass was spewing is that when she makes her claims he was either with me, texting me, at work, or leaving my house to go to work lol. I really think she hoped that I would end things with him because of what she said. The problem is, is that we are 4 days into a relationship that started out the right way. Communication is something that him and I have. When I got her messages I got pissy because noone wants to see what i saw. I told him the truth that I wasn't angry with him, I was irritated. We talked and then he let me rant and rave and apologize for my behavior lol and the bottom line of it all is that anything that he may have or may not have done prior to our actual deciding to have a relationship is still none of my business because we were only dating. Plus lol I'm such a bitch that I told the girl it was funny that he was doing whatever she said he was doing because we went and got a marriage license at the time she claims he wasnt where he should have been lol and that we are getting married October 18th lol. He saw me type that and about fell over laughing so hard. And just like I told him, she's psycho and by me pushing her buttons it would bring out more psycho and more bs that would show her for the psycho she is. And true to psycho form she went off and said all kinds of things on her page and I just laughed. Because I have the title of girlfriend, I'm the one getting fucked many many times and pretty darn good if i do say so lol.

I met his mom yesterday and she told him that he better not fuck this up because she liked me and Mae. So yay lol I have his mama's approval.

Now for the part that's really kind of freaky lol. We kind of have our own little family, for the moment, again the new hasn't worn off. But Mae loves LOVES him. She told him that I could be her mama and he could be her daddy. She holds his hand when we go out places, she wants him to play with her, she wants to sit on his lap. Hell she almost listens to him better than she does to me. She can't stop telling people who he is and wanting him to be here when she wakes up. The only problem is that he goes to work before she gets up lol. But I can't help but enjoy watching her with him. She has been without a "daddy" for a year because hers cant do the right thing. And here is this guy who willingly and honestly is showing her positive attention.

It's not love, yet! But I could really fall in love and enjoy this. He really is nice and though he has some issue with the submissive in me lol he thinks he can get used to it lol. As long as Im not asking for whippings and beatings because he doesnt hit women. Yea i looked online and he just has traffic tickets lol.

Then today he came over and we all three chilled on the couch together, had lunch together, and then he said that he wanted to talk to me about something. He heard the commercial for Adventureland and wanted to know if it would be ok to take Mae and me there. I was like hell yea cuz Mae wants to go there.

I know that we seem to be moving fast but it feels right. And we keep talking about the whole situation because our families are very interested in what is and isnt going on lol. But if things work out Mae and I may be moving out of Waterloo. Im not going to hold my breath but that is a possibility.

I have never EVER been with a nice guy before. Hell we were having sex and he slapped my butt and was a lil unnerved that he left a mark. Lucky for him i dont bruise easy lol. He likes me lol and we both agree that its like high school but like we said to each other...The begining is fun but its the middle you really want to get to! So im hoping to get to the middle. It looks like I may have found someone to love both me and my girl!

Heres to new found happiness, even if it took this long to get it lol

Updates lol

2011-06-05T21:34:00.002-05:00

Thank goodness you guys are sitting down lol. Please don't stand up to continue reading just to see if I'm right about my news being something that will make you hurt yourself. So please stay seated and keep your seatbelt fasted; if you have a helmet put it on, protect your head lol.

I have a boyfriend! And it isn't a lifestyle boyfriend. For awhile I have been looking for a lifestyle partner and as much as i love my submissiveness the ex really did a number on me and I just don't see myself being able to be my submissive self with another man. That was the worst trust to break in me and I even let myself be almost all the way sucked into what wouldn't have been a good situation. I don't have to be an active to submissive to be submissive. Doing the things a submissive does even in a vanilla situation is still being submissive youre just not living the actual lifestyle. Is it really so bad to just be in a relationship? Does being submissive make it impossible for me to be in a regular relationship? No I don't think so. As good as the ride with the ex was, the ride was that bad. So I've decided that being submissive really is who you are even if you are not in a lifestyle relationship. I think I am going to eventually delete my accounts on other websites because i dont have to have the lifestyle...that is just a perk. Some men have women who are submissive and just don't know it and they are happier then pigs in shit lol.

So after a safe text discussion initated by him on wednesday or thursday about what would I say if he wanted us to be more than just friends. So I'm going to belive i just needed a good drunk lol and thats why I got so trashed friday night after i got out of work at almost midnight and should have been out by quarter after ten lol I had lots of drinks! And then I drunk texted, emailed, and called the guy at almost 4 am because I knew he was getting up for work and that I was lonely. I was fucked up is what I was lol. I don't want to like this guy but I like this guy lol.

I had invited him Thursday night to stay at the house Saturday so he could go to my friends benefit with me. Well by Friday night I hadnt gotten any conformation so Friday drunk night I emailed texted and called about him coming over for a pg13 night lol. Oooo good lord it was horrible lol. My poor friend Tammy kept trying to go to bed and I wouldnt let her, eventually she just kinda made me stay in my room cuz she was going to bed lol.

I passed out right after i called him because I didnt hear my phone lol. I called him when I got up because he left me a voice mail lol and the embarrasment began lol. He said something about stopping at walmart and picking something up lol. I was like I said pg13 lol.

Pg13 didn't happen lol. And then my mother called and then I called her right back and then we went back to tearin apart the bed lol. He pulled my hair :) and he has other uses for his handcuffs other than work lol, he doesn't mind spanking. He's not into bondage..but thats ok. And the sex was good! I was a little concerned at first and then he showed me how he uses it lol. And i was such a happy girl that at 330am i wanted some but i was good and I didnt wake him up because he had to be up in two hours lol.

He told me that i could have woke him up lol I told him today that work before booty and he said he could do both lol. Thats when I informed him that the first time he was late for work because of booty he was cut off for two weeks. LOL he didnt like that idea lol.

So I have a boyfriend and he is a nice guy. You remember that list I had about what I wanted in a guy? Yea he has all of them lol. He has a job, a car, almost his own place(thats in july lol), child support that still lets him take me out lol and he's great with my kid! When I was dating that guy 2 years ago when he tried to tell Mae what to do I wigged out. Well this guy has had the chance to say something twice now and both times I wasnt wigged out at all. He is nice to me and my friends could see that he likes me.

So after the first initial questioning of me he asked last night while we were cuddled up. And I said yes and then this morning and then this afternoon asked for confirmation that he was my boyfriend lol. My mom asked me if he changed his status on his page that i met him on and i said no and then tonight i got a text saying that he changed it.

I think I was single so long because i let the submissive get in the way. Submissives can be happy even when they aren't in a relationship thats lifestyle oriented. I like this guy and I really dont want to lol. But Ive decided to take a chance and I am no longer dating. I have a boyfriend and he's coming over Monday for a bit and I think Friday overnight.

AND Mae likes him. She likes him so much that after the benefit she was holding his hand and said to us You can be my mama and you can be my daddy. And hes good with her. He doesnt let what she says phase him and thats a good thing. Now that ive said yes to being his girlfriend we will see if there are any changes in attitude toward Mae. I don't think there will be any.

I think that at this point in time Ive actually found a nice guy. I took a chance for some unknown reason when he first messaged me, and then I took a chance on meeting him, and then a chance on him coming to my house for a movie. And now here I am...yup I have a boyfrend....how freakin odd is that lol.

See I told you you needed to be sitting down with your helmet on lol.

My butt

2011-05-31T22:28:00.002-05:00

My butt got put on display a little bit today. I also didn't kick anyone in the nads for doing it either lol. There was also a boy in my bed thanks to my back.

I dont know what happened yesterday but today my back was killing me. I couldnt hardly walk, bending over was a joke and i took as many drugs as i could get my hands on. It doesnt hurt as bad now but it still hurts.

Yesterday was the Guys birthday and I told him I wanted my plate back. I really didn't think he would give it back right away lol but about 10 am he showed up with the plate lol. Fortunatly for him lol my back wasnt working right.

He got here and I was in my bed. I wasnt getting out of it for anything lol. He was sooo nice and rubbed my back for me and watched a movie with me lol. I rolled over on my belly, yes i know thats the international sign for yes you can touch me lol, and he rubbed me some more and took the opportunity to peek at my behind lol.

And then of course a little bit of kissing and then some kissing that if my dad wouldnt have been home would have led to full on pants off lol. He apologized to me for going so far because i told him i wasnt ready. but i did tell him that i was getting there lol.

Soooo my bed saw a little bit of action lol and were having lunch tomorrow. Maaan i wonder how much my friend is going to charge me for an overnight gig lol.

No Sleep lol

2011-05-30T00:01:00.002-05:00

I didn't fall asleep! Woohoo I made it all the way through a movie and didn't fall asleep! Though I'll be honest, I could have fallen asleep and not been unhappy. I was all curled up on the Guy on the couch lol.

He said to me that this is nice, referring to holding me, and i was like mmhmm. Why the hell would I admit that it's nice lol. When you do that things progress faster and Im not ready for faster lol. Hell at the video store we decided no horror and then I said and no pants around the ankles lol he said why and I said im not there yet lol. I know Im a horrible person but at least he knows where he stands lol.

Dinner really kind of sucked lol. The food, not the company. We went to the bad steak house lol overpriced and the food wasnt very good. If I would have been gordon ramsey id have been sending it back lol. I had steak soup that tasted like Chunky Cambells soup. Then they brought out our meals and I looked at him and said whats this lol. He said steak and we both looked at it lol. It was a halloween steak. Looked like a hockey puck lol. They didnt have the side he wanted so he ended up with soup. Which his was good lol thanks for the bite! And then the lady comes over and says shes taken care of our dinner. The way she said it it was like our whole meal was free, but it was only mine. So dinner ended up being cheaper than we thought lol.

So we chilled on the couch and it was nice. I could get used to that again. AND he doesn't smell like the kids dad did. I was laying there and he was breathing on me lol and i was like damn there are guys who dont have these problems lol. It was nice...really nice. And I probably would have gone further but he was a good guy and said something about the kissing we did after the movie leading to stuff. I told him no it wouldnt i wouldnt let it lol. Bullshit im bad when it comes to this stuff lol wed have been naked and in trouble lol.

All in all it was a great night. He said thanks for spending time with him and making his birthday nice. Awww thats so nice lol. Tomorrow he's going to lunch with me and the family since we will be in the town he lives in. Plus he got deviled eggs lol. I want to feed him lol he needs to stop telling me the junk he eats because it makes me want to feed him all kinds of good food lol.

Brenda, your welcome, thats why i wanted to share it because that kind of happy doesnt come around often enough and i think we all deserve a little happy even if it is living vicariously lol. Dawn...did you wear the letters off the keyboard yet? Are they imprinted on your forehead and cheek lol...no sleeping on the keyboard it wears it out faster lol.

Date Night

2011-05-29T18:23:00.002-05:00

I have a date tonight! Im sitting here trying to figure out what to wear. How casual do I want to go. It started out as steaks but now it's probably going to be IHOP. Which I don't mind one bit lol but I have to figure out how casual a shirt and which baby makin jeans im wearing lol.

It's his birthday and his mom made him steak last night, so I might be sol on the steak lol. If it's IHOP i already know what im getting lol.

I went up to the gas station to buy a lighter for him, wouldnt you know it they sold out lol. So sitting in my fridge are a couple deviled eggs. He says he loves deviled eggs, and I told him awhile ago that I would make him some for his birthday. I dont know if he remembers it or not but I did lol.

After dinner i think were going to rent a movie and check it out. I dont have enough money to take him to the movies, but I can rent one lol. Yay for a man paying for dinner lol. Too bad its not steak lol, but if i really want steak ihop has that lol but i want the crepes if we go there lol.

Think since Ive got an hour an a half before he gets here Ill just chill until about 730 and then get dressed and do the makeup thing lol. Baby making jeans and a tshirt i think! lol

Happiness

2011-05-29T17:07:00.002-05:00

With everything we all have going on in our lives I thought I would share some happy. The kind of happy that you can see it, feel it, and cut it with a knife! Yes, that omg put you in a diabetic coma happy it's so sweet.

There is a couple who come in at my work and they are very nice. They are a year or so younger than I am but are happy and you can see the love they have for each other. It should make you sick lol but it just kind of gets you too.

Well before I hurt myself at work they were coming in a lot and i was working alot so we talked alot lol. They have fertility issues and couldnt have kids together. So they decided to adopt a baby. I don't blame them they have a lot of love to give and they wanted kids!

At Christmas we started hoping that they would get him then. Then January it was red tape. February still red tape. Then I stopped working lol.

Well Friday I was at work and I went in back or to the bathroom, I dont remember, and I come out and there they were. But instead of 2 it was 3!!!

We did everything but jump up and down, I know we giggled lol. I knew they had gotten the baby but the girl I asked about it wasnt to enthused so I didnt hear anything.

But that baby is CUTE! He has big eyes and big lashes and tight curly hair! Oooo he is soooo beautiful! They adopted him from Ethiopia and he is 13 months old and is doing wonderful with them.

He didnt want to come to me at first but lol Im a bad person I took him anyways lol. Yes the mom and dad were ok with that lol. She told me how he used to go to everyone but now hes a mama and daddy s boy. He can say mama and he is just sooo happy! They are so happy. Again we did everything but jump up and down lol.

They were glad me and Amelia were working because they wanted us to see the boy. Ooo that boy is beautiful! Im telling you it was the first seriously unadulterated moment of happiness that ive had since my grandpa died.

It makes me want to cry how happy the family is. They are blessed and I am blessed to get to share in it even if its just to be happy for them . I hope my boss watches the tapes lol and sees us two girls going gaga over that boy lol.

Hell the happy carried over for the rest of the night. Hell we giggled about it after they were gone, and hours later when we were cleaning up lol. I love happiness that is so infectious. Especially when you get to share in the joy of a new baby and a new family and new dreams for people who deserve it.

I cant wait to see that baby again and see how happy the parents are with him. Since they have had him, he got home in April, he can now sit up and say mama, and do all sorts of baby things that a little nurturing and love brings out.

So i know some of us are having a rough time, so i thought id share the happy. I wish i had a picture of the 3 of them, you can just see the happy and joy shine on all of them.

Open Bar

2011-05-22T17:11:00.003-05:00

Two of my favorite words! Especially when they are stuck together! Open bar! ooo those two words are glorious lol. I have never been to a baby shower that had one before but im so glad today i did lol. We got our drink on in the back of the room lol.

My cousin got married a year ago and they are now expecting a baby. He works at a really nice restraunt and thats where they held it. My Aunt, his mom, loves her family lol and loves her morgan lol so there was an open bar.

My mom, and my uncles girlfriend Sandy went and I drove. On the way there bloody marys were mentioned and that my dad gave mom money lol. Well we got there and Sandy and I stayed outside to smoke and when we got in my mom comes over and tells us that she asked how much a bloody mary was and the guy says Open Bar...omg! Hells Yea!!!

Sooo right now Im on the tipsy side lol and I may go all the way to fucked up lol I have 3 bottles of wine in the fridge, supper is in the oven and bedtime for Mae is really truly just around the corner(since she has school tomorrow lol) we will see lol.

BUT Sandy lol brought up Margarita Mondays lol. OMG i was seriously just thinking about that lol. Soooo tomorrow come rain or shine lol we are having the first MM of the season lol. Shes bringing the tequila, Im getting the mix, and someone else will have to bring ice lol.

Then after the shower we went to the bar next door lol. Jeremiah Weed was our friend...well at least 3 of our friends lol my aunt and mom had beer. Except mom had a shot. Ok so anyone ever done a shot at a baby shower lol well i have lol. My mom actually texted my sister to find out how to make the shot lol. So we drank it lol. The bar next door couldnt make them cuz they didnt have all the booze lol.

Then we were sitting there and almost ready to order a 2nd round and my dad texted me telling me to come and get my kid lol. Did i mention my dad watched the girl today lol. And then he drove us all home lol. My mom is drunk, Sandys almost drunk, Im tipsy and one more would have put me over the edge lol.

Hells yea for a Sunday it was pretty good...now to see if the wine makes it....and i may be back blogging later lol lets see what happens when the boozy girl gets her drink on lol(in case you were wondering...Mae is all taken care of lol we have meatloaf cooking and then its bedtime lol...no matter what im a decent mom and my kiddo is taken care of!)

All Righty Then!

2011-05-19T09:15:00.002-05:00

Blogger and my computer are not in synch at the moment! I tried to comment on Dawns blog and it wouldn't let me, it let me comment on Brendas blog, it let me blog twice, google told me it was too big to show up and wtf lol seriously! I need my blog! Especially since I have my fingers back lol. Im ready to exorcise the demons within lol. Seriously though, I just hate when my shit doesn't work when I want it to work lol.

Tomorrow is my first day back to work! Im nervous as hell. Its like my first day all over again except I know what I'm doing lol. And then Saturday I'm going in at 6 to make 8 six foot party subs! Holy hell, glad I listened to my mom and asked for pain meds just in case. Because technically I should still be off work because the doctor was going to put a second restriction on me but by doing that I wouldnt be able to work. So he left that off and now I'm back to working lol. Tomorrow should be interesting!

Jumped on the bathroom scale this morning and I have lost a small child! 58 pounds is gone and all I really want to lose is like another 5lbs so I can maintain my weight. Yay me!

Talked with the guy yesterday for like 2 hours and then texted all night lol. He likes me lol. Told him as plain as possible that this is who I am, this is what I won't tolerate, and if I want to be in a relationship with you I'll say something. He agreed with everything I was saying because as his profile says...he's looking for friends he can get together with and if anything comes from it cool. That's what dating is! I did make him promise me something lol. I made him promise that whoever else he decides to date please make sure they understand the concept of dating because the quickest way for me to leave is to have other girls coming at me for whatever reason lol.

Tonight is the graduation for Mae's preschool! School isn't out til june 1st lol but they are doing it tonight. Im going to have to figure out what shoes to put her in but im letting her wear this summer dress and I have to get a hair tie so I can put her hair up lol. With a little girl youd think id have hair ties but i dont lol.

Well i guess thats it for the moment lets see what the day brings lol.

Seriously

2011-05-18T13:21:00.003-05:00

This is the reason I don't date people from the internet! PSYCHO BITCHES!

Here I am having a good time with this guy and I know he's not my boyfriend, I know that he is talking to other people, I know that he is dating other people and when you date someone that means you can go out with other people because youre not in a relationship.

Well I get home from doing therapy today and there is not 1 but 2 psycho bitches coming at me because of this guy! One is pissed because I made a smart ass comment on his page and the other straight messaged me to find out if I was dating this guy.

Then when I asked her why and what exactly is it she wanted to tell me she comes back with not wanting to step on toes and wanting to date him and dont tell him i talked to you. I was very very nice and wasnt a bitch like i can be! I told her i dont keep secrets and then when he texted me after his work meeting lol I told him we need to talk.

Um seriously thats not something you need to do at this stage of the game. I shouldnt have to talk to him about anything. Sooooo there was a huge discussion and I explained to him again that i dont play this game and that if he wanted me to run away all he had to do was let these bitches keep coming at me lol.

Funniest thing is, is that him and I never have said anything online about going out. So these two psychos picked me out of the bunch of girls. Maaaan wrong girl to pick.

So all the fun may come to a crashing halt because stupid people dont get the concept of dating and im not playing psycho games! Maybe he will bring me ice and lemonade lol

Breaking the Rules

2011-05-18T10:40:00.002-05:00

Bite me Dawn! LOL, blogger wasn't working for me at all! Until I did something and I dont know what I did so don't be surprised when the UPS man shows up with a package from Iowa lol.

Ok let's get down to it! I have absolutly no idea what I blogged last and because I'm afraid blogger will crash on me I'll just start as close to the begining as I can.

Not that long ago on MYB I decided to talk to a guy. It started out with messages on that site and then I gave him my yahoo. Well this went on for a little bit and by the time we had exchanged almost 60 messages and a couple talks on yahoo I said look you want to meet me this is where I'm going to be at this time.

He showed up and even though his paycheck hadnt come in he still had enough cash for gas and to buy me a couple drinks. He was a really nice guy and just didnt give me any bad vibes.

So after that it was text messages and trying to set a time up where we could just go out on our own. I had him meet me at a bar where my friend was having a birthday party the first time. So after texting and such we set up a date for last Saturday.

We went to Olive Garden and saw the movie FastFive and he brought me a rose. We had a good dinner and during the movie he was shaking just a little when he went to hold my hand. That date was the begining of me breaking the rules.

I told him in no uncertain terms that I DO NOT PUT OUT. The last guy who dated me never got anything lol so dont expect anything. I told him about my extracurricular activities and he said no problem.

At the movie I rubbed his neck for him because Im the girl who wants to make people better lol. At the end of the movie he walked me to my car and we hugged and I pecked him on the cheek.

Well I don't know what got into me but I invited him to dinner Monday. Supposed to be his day off and he got called in. Again I dont know what got into me but I texted him yesterday to see if he wanted to come over and watch a movie.

I broke every fucking rule I have! He got to meet my mom, dad, and Mae yesterday. Mae loves him. She wanted to cuddle right up next to him the minute he sat down. She had to sit by him when he moved to the chair. And then he actually got off the deck to show her the white dandelions. And then was chasing her around the deck.

He left to go be with family and then texted saying he was close by. I let him come over again and this time he met my mom.

Just like I knew she would do she interrogated him lol. I was texting the poor guy from the bathroom apologizing for not giving him warning about my mom. If Mae hadnt had to go poo lol he would have missed that lol.

Yesterday I let him kiss me three times and let him kinda touch me, no not dirty touches lol. And he said it twice that if i start cooking for him he probably wont leave. and i said ok and lol.

This is probably not the ONE but right now everything just feels right about it. Hell I even know when we will have sex if I decide to lol, see im a stupid girl!

Then I realized it was a full moon last night and that had to be why I was breaking the rules.

My mom doesn't mind him, she doesn't find him offensive or creepy or anything like the kids dad lol and my dad didnt mind him. My kid loved him soooo Im breaking all the goddamn rules and Not apologizing (outloud) for it lol.

On another note my first day back to work will be Friday and possibly a couple hours on Saturday. Life is moving on and on and on and now theres a guy lol. Good luck to the guy lol.

On top of the rule breaking of mine I broke relationship rules lol. You know the one where you dont put your insecurity out there, your fucked upness out there, i laid it all out and he didnt run lol. Soooooo lets see what happens lol

Dawn

2011-05-14T10:47:00.002-05:00

I did it again! I texted you and totally forgot what it said! I remember texting you though I don't remember what it said lol. So I hope that whatever I'm sending you has the intended effect lol.

I do remember saying I'd remember this text, but damn if I didn't go ahead and forget. So I'm thinking that I'm just supposed to be sending you random text messages to confuse you, make you laugh, shake your head, or just pray for me lol. My mission is to have textblackouts lol.

Ok so hope this finds you well and I tried to call you because I figured I'd distract you with some girl talk. But now you're just going to have to wait til I blog late tonight or tomorrow lol.

Have a great one!

The Drugs

2011-05-12T08:55:00.000-05:00

Thank you ladies for your encouragement. HOWEVER lol i've had this done before and the drugs that worked great for you ......sucked ass for me! I was awake during the procedures lol and i could feel both ends and was gagging on the endo one.

So Im hoping that the drugs work today since Im a lot lighter then I was before lol. But Im not holding out hope lol.

My sister told me i need to tell them to give me the Michael Jackson drug cuz that worked for her.

2 hours til its time to leave and im getting nervous because i dont seem to have gone as much as i did last time. And like you said they can tell, but i drank all the nasty and had some nasty lol but not much.

Could be because I havnt really eaten in almost 2 days lol. 1 pork chop on tuesday really doesnt mean a lot of stuff to digest. So maybe im ok...i just cant wait to sleep lol

have a great day guys!

Poop Poop Poop

2011-05-11T20:16:00.000-05:00

Well 2 hours ago almost I finished the first of the prep. Now I'm just waiting for it to finish sloshing around in my belly so I can go read in the bathroom.

There is nothing fun about prepping for this! Ive run to the bathroom several times expecting the big one and nope its a false alarm lol. Good lord whoever thought this up needs to be smacked lol.

Whatever happened to a good ol fashioned enema lol i mean its basically the same thing right lol.

Ooo i hate the gurgling Im hearing and I hate that I havnt started poopooing yet lol cuz i want to go to bed lol.

Hell i even asked my mom if she would buy me a pizza tomorrow lol but i have cookies in case she wont lol.

im nervous about tomorrow because i dont know why but i am. i want them to find something easy and simple to fix. because if they find nothing i have no idea what the hell im going to do next lol.

well I guess the nicest thing I can say about this is that Im sure Ill be about 5lbs down tomorrow lol gets me closer to my goal of my high school weight lol. Im like 8lbs away from it so yayyyy if im lucky ill be 3lbs closer lol.

Now im obsessing about food lol maybe ill go and check out the olive garden menu since I have a date on Saturday and he's paying lol. Now to figure out what to get so he doesnt expect me to put out lol

Oh yea ya know I forgot the good part lol

2011-05-10T22:55:00.002-05:00

Ok so Grandpa is gone, colon/endo scheduled, sick friend, family drama cuz you know there is always something...but I cant believe i forgot to be the tmi girl and share the bestest part of yesterday.....

...................WAIT....................
...............................FOR.................
...........................................IT!!!...........................

Yup, I got my fucking period! WTF? I'm on the depo shot, I have never gotten my period with the depo shot. So I'm left wondering....is my birth control working? Is there a test that can be done to find out if it is working? Because Id really hate to think I was protected and decide to do something stupid and find out ooops guess what lol yeah not on my agenda cuz you know it would be the wrong guy lol

So yea Im crampy and bitchy and just not happy lol....wtf? Seriously i had to get my period? Like I dont have enough issues right now lol did I mention that there is the date?? BUT the whole getting my period thing makes the sex issue a moot point lol

Lovely

2011-05-10T16:50:00.001-05:00

So not only was yesterday the one year anniversary of my Grandpa's death it was also my doctor appointment with the gastro guy!

Joy o Joy guess what I get to do on Thursday! Yay its colonoscopy/endoscopy day for heather! wooohooo!

And in the first sentence of this blog I had to run away because my friend called and was fucking upset and sick and just not sounding good. Where an hour before she sounded just fine. Shes throwing up again, the migraine is on day 9 and she's had very minimal sleep.

She looks worse now then this morning, she feels worse, and she is hopefully now sleeping with the 2 amitryptiline(sp) that she took, i got her set up with a cool cloth for her forhead, changed the garbage by her bed and texted her husband to let him know what was going on.

Seriously....i hate my friend is sick! But i will do what needs to be done because thats what friends are for!

HAHAHAHAHA

2011-05-09T22:11:00.002-05:00

Seriously I try to not blog because Ive been so good about not being anywhere near a keyboard that wasn't the size of a candy bar lol that its funny that when I come to just say hey I blog and now two minutes later I'm back to blog. I told you when shit fucks up in my world it fucks up lol.

Im pretty psycho right now and its ok because heather will be back shortly she just needed to take a break for a minute.

That was me joking, scary that I can play a crazy person so well...oo wait i played with a few of them they rubbed off lol. Anyways...

So I'm broke. Flat ass broke! Bills are paid and I have a whopping 1.69 in the bank, i had 7 bucks on my credit card. I paid my itty bitty interest grabbing 15 buck payment thought id see if I had a couple bucks more than that lol yup i do lol.

The last thing I needed but really wanted lol was a credit limit increase lol. I have $222 worth of credit now lol. Maaaaan....psychogirl wants to go shopping lol. It can't happen! But hey at least I know I have some money if I need it...damn I want a pack of smokes lol back to lalala land

almost

2011-05-09T22:04:00.001-05:00

I'm alive and breathing...I'm not locked up in a looney bin....I have no suicidal tendencies...But I have taken a break from reality for the moment. I'll be back soon. Oh that reality break also has included a break from the computer. The whole time I was at my moms all i checked was what i could check on my phone and it was on the charger most of the time..except for when in my hands texting like mad...ooo shit i drunken texted the date! Great I don't remember texting Dawn, but i remember texting the date. I love cheap wine, ice and oj!

Love,

Princess Ghettofabulous

2011-05-03T12:17:00.003-05:00

So as you know that the minute after I post a vlog/blog my world gets tilted upside down again! Not even an hour after I posted my vlog did my world just come crashing down on me. It hurt so bad that I got in my friends car and told my mom to pick me up after Dad left for work.

I had my friends car because I went to the DR with her and her daughter was sick so it was easier to just let me take the car and come back for her later.

Anyways...so my sister has decided that Katie will not be coming to live with us. Katie doesn't even know about it yet, but my sister told everyone in Joliet. So I'm hurt and disappointed and upset and just stupid.

Went to my therapist today and my mom hates her. Because my mom thinks that since I obviously need a break i should suck it up and provide for Mae at her dads. My therapist and the rest of my friends agree I'm doing it the right way. My mom also hates my therapist because she told me to write down how much I spend in money and foodstamps at the house because my mom doesnt think im pulling my weight and I have a sweet deal living here. Um hello I give you 324 a month in cash, i put food in the house with my food stamps(plus get whatever she asks me for), since I use the toilet so much Im in charge of buying the toilet paper, oh yea did I also mention Im the maid too. So I figure I'm putting at least 500 a month in for expenses...ooo wait did I also mention that every 3 months I have to pay the whole water bill. My mom wants to know what planet this lady is living on because there is something wrong with her.

NO there isnt. I think there is a problem with my mom. Hell she said thats not what i meant when I said. WEll honey saying something and meaning something are two totally different things.

Grandpas still dead and im still a basket case. Katie isnt coming to live her. I cant tell Katie she can come because I am not financially stable enough for her to come her.

So basically were down to I'm a shit person who doesnt have a job but has kids who I am mistreating along with my mother and father.

One day I swear just one day it won't be all my fault. I wont feel like a big whine baby and maybe things will look up.

Sadly Im ready to plant all kinds of seeds into Katies head just to get her here. Make all kinds of false promises so she wants to come up here. Yup Im a selfish bitch!

Oh did I mention that Ive been sick for almost two weeks and I tried to get Mae to go to her dads house? Yup i broke down like a bitch and tried to get her over there. Guess what? No answer from him. But everyone is telling me I'm doing the right thing but when I cant even take care of her properly because Im sick and because I have all this soul crushing grief going on...pick up the fucking slack buster and help the mother of your child out. Oooo wait I forgot Im the big bad bitch and thats why she doesnt go there anymore.

Anyways...its not horrible its not all bad it just feels like it and Im starting to look forward to the day my mom says ok we have the money lets go get you a trailer and then I can be on my own with my own.

Oh yea and I have a date coming up in two weeks. Yup Im trying to date but the whole no sex thing is pretty off putting to most men lol.

Ok so my fingers are going to hurt from this but I had to do something because at this moment im not a real happy camper but im faking it like a champ!

10 minutes youll never get back lol

2011-05-02T09:03:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dvyd1a9O4eU

2011-04-20T21:51:00.003-05:00

This is a picture of the guy my mom tried to marry me off to; even though she swears she didn't and wasn't trying to pimp me out lol. My sister agrees with me that my mom all but pimped my ass out lol. OMG it really was a great time and I just really want to do it again lol.

Doing this blog with only a few fingers lol so there might be lots of typos lol. Seriously I'm only using between 5 and 7 fingers lol I cant use any more. lucky for me I know my keyboard lol. The one class I excelled in in high school.

Ok so this wasn't supposed to be a blog just a picture but you know me lol. Anyways this guy is cute but besides being out of state he really was looking for a booty call im thinking lol. And no i didnt exchange any information other than my name age and that i like to dance lol he talked with our whole table and i enjoyed the fact that i was out of the fucking house and no mae to worry about lol. The man attention was nice but I was more excited about the fact I was in my new size 16 pants and I looked hot. Except my hair which as usual was a hot mess lol. So ive lost a shit ton of weight and the double chin thing keeps happening lol i hate it lol oh well, but for those facebook friends the pics are up over there. Here is the man who could have been my hubby lol when i took the pic he said...this is for our christmas card lol so he had a good sense of humor.

Ok now im going to stop because i know im going to pay for this blog tomorrow lol. Heres to Fast Eddies

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3OXRsueg6g&feature=related

2011-04-20T15:17:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDOmHHm-cHI yea my vlog sucks today

2011-04-14T22:58:00.002-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pjozgbkildg This vlog is all Michelle (miki)'s fault lol...one of these days im going to have to transcribe all these what a chore. but at least then all ill have to do is listen to myself once...Hmmm wonder if Monica will do it for me roflmao no that wasnt a hint or an ask lol that was just a funny...god i really miss blogging blogging. but at least now you guys can reread my bullshit and see where its supposed to be funny and taken lol i am such a goofball. not only do you get a vlog you get a blog lol. I love you my friends for listening to me ramble and im sorry but im just too damn broke to send yall dramamine for all the moving around i do lol

2011-04-10T14:15:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=js49vQujS2A another long ramble because im so good at it lol

2011-04-07T15:51:00.000-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azElj2J2HW8 another long one lol excuse my bra lol

long

2011-04-06T10:57:00.002-05:00

Ok this is a long one. Get a drink and a snack lol...welcome to verbal diarrhea http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QMRaZHAJtpk

2011-04-04T23:20:00.003-05:00

The Heather love continues! I really really am basking in all the attention and have no problem admitting to being an attention whore lol.

So my hand swelled up and that long blog I did wasn't injury friendly. I paid dearly for it lol but I enjoyed it! Thats why this wont be very long lol. But I'm on a bragging streak and I just can't help but be prideful and let my head and heart swell.

So you remember the text that was one thing, the kissing yet another. Today out of the blue when I was driving with my friend she just goes Youre such a good friend Heather. I was shocked lol I was off in my own world thinking something stupid lol. Caught me off guard, but I accepted the compliment and extended the same back to her because she is.

So sharing the love here ya go Dawn(brenda I havnt forgotten you, i just cant form a coherent reply to what your dealing with) here's the hijacked pic...and yes I did enjoy it lol

Ok so for whatever reason blogger wouldnt let me put the picture at the bottom probably i dont know what im doing so yea that last paragraph i even tried to cut it and move it to the top but itwouldnt let melol so yay my 2nd blog that should really be a vlog is as jacked up as my finger lol

2011-04-02T01:26:00.002-05:00

Ohhh how I love Friday nights out! Even if it ends up being less than 2 hours out. Ahhh I love Friday night luvin from my friends. Yes I have friends who are a bit more than friends on occasion lol. The best part about those friends is that it doesn't matter to them if I'm 45 lbs heavier or lighter they just love me. But they're guys so let's be honest lol they are really digging on the new look lol. It's been several years since I was this small and I love being this size. Ideally I would like to lose only 15 more pounds because I know that I'm comfortable at that weight and I could maintain that weight. I am not going to make an unatainable goal for myself. Losing weight is hard enough I dont need the added pressure. Hell tonight I was really really really hungry. I went out to the kitchen where there were freshly bought canned goods. You know all that really shitty stuff for you lol and then some yogurt and I finally settled on a can of tuna fish. Im figuring the protein is much better than the sugar in the yogurt and othe shit in the canned stuff. I made up some tuna with all fat free dessing in the right size and then pigged out on a can of tuna lol. Anyways...so this blog is supposed to be about how loved I feel and how greatful I am that my mom relented and let her 35 year old daughter go out lol. Tonight I got a phone call from my friend. He wanted me to come out. Told him the truth I couldn't. Then I get the nicest text and probably the nicest thing my other friend has ever said to me and made me want to go out lol. My mom finally let me go out lol. Man I was up out of my chair like a shot lol. We were sitting there watching a movie when she said no and then all of a sudden said well if your going you better get ready lol. Maaan I was out the door lol. And then the loving began. I love kissing and the two friends i was going to meet are two friends who i kiss lol. i love having boys around that like to kiss especially when you dont have to worry about what the fuck it means lol. I have a hijacked picture of me and one friend lol I was taking a pic of us and when i looked at him just as i took the picture he kissed me lol. Ooo i love to kiss lol. And then on my way out I decided that tonight I would initate a kiss and see what the reaction was. Because all the other kisses had been initated by him. So I kiss him and yay he kisses me back. And it was a couple kisses....i really like kissing him lol. I dont think id like the sex with him though lol but the kissing ill take lol. And this is the text that I got that made me feel so loved and wanting to go meet my friends. Please keep in mind that a guys guy wrote this text lol and he is one of the people in all my Friday night stories lol so ya know we got some history lol anyways I wanted to share and brag and I've accomplished the bragging so now to the sharing of the text. To me it was super sweet , to you eh...you tell me lol : Him: Its Friday and I'm out early but won't be out late(said that before :)) but still feels like I'm missing someone Isn't that just the sweetest thing...or maybe it's just me. But then again he did say it outloud and then gave me a big hug lol i think he has a tiny misplaced heather crush but as long as i can still kiss him without any expectations lol Im gonna enjoy it lol Ok i need to stop babbling. But Im actually typing and it feels good to stretch my fingers lol Thanks for bearing with me as i get it out of my system.

2011-03-27T23:03:00.002-05:00

Here's the thing about vlogging. I hate hearing myself and watching myself. Unless of course I'm in one of my picture taking moods. I keep saying that I use this to vent and get it out and that's the truth. I'm one of those people who once it's out I'm usually good. So when I get a comment on a blog I usually have to go back and read what I've written. With vlogging I'm going to have to go back and watch what I said. I've gotten a couple comments on the first vlogs and I really don't remember what I said lol. Now I'm going to be forced to watch them so I can comment. Kathleen Im trying to get to your comment but since it was left on youtube I havn't gotten to it, sorry. I like the process of blogging because I can pound the keys if I want and I can backspace and edit. But once I start talking I don't want to have to delete the whole thing and start over. Or take the chance of saying something that I want to omit for any various reason for wanting to leave a portion out; like they do on contest shows the whole it was edited but didnt effect the outcome. I'm ready to be able to do blogs more often. Right now I'm pushing myself with just this short blog and I can feel the effort in my injured area. While healing I'm just like all other patients and have no patience and want results now. I want to get it done and over so I can get back to work. I need to find a new job but I need to get back to work. Out of the house and out in public because I'm turning into the Mae's dad. I've forgotten how to behave around people lol. I keep apologizing to my friends for not knowing how to not be all waaaaaaa lol. OK so i've pushed my arm far enough time to play pogo where i just use one finger lol

2011-03-26T00:12:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5G_6flHQnY even though it says Saturday on the time this was actually a Friday post, cuz you know some shits going on when im here more than once a day. and until my hand is better lol i may be commenting on your blogs in my vlog because i typed one earlier today and it sucked and then there was the chapta chatka chatke whatever it is lol makes it work lol oh yea drugs are good! especially the ones you have a script for lol

2011-03-25T15:02:00.001-05:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ts4tjPwzCA4 happy friday blog